THEATRICALS.
Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had
discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling
in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very
ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room"
till near the break of day.
From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their
doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they
possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery,
dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public
estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on
the result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very
little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for
a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry
little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of
the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the
committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress
rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and
Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the
part of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige."
The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the
foregoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour that
evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their
high and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little
purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of
Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece
--nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in
character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I
trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion
to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all
ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the
matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that
if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I had
but four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failed
to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what
they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the
credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may
always command.
"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could
learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that."
Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of
study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded
at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the
office of check-taker.
"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with
the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous
though, for he is to play with Fanny."
"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy.
"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his
'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself
upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was
acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage."
"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of
the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone.
"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only ma
to do justice to such perfection."
"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a
confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown
her eyes on one amongst you--"
"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be
off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of
such matters."
"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not
Curzon take the part you destine for me?"
"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the
call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd
find that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of
paradise feather in his cap."
"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if
nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"
--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question.
"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump."
These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table,
were addressed to my friend Finucane.
"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most
seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch."
"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye
do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get
up the Rivals."
"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call
the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye."
It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and
after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for
the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon
attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and
looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence.
During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night
appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a
Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The
whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and
all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of
labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half
the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of
Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors,
scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their
uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me
distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole
management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a
professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty;
that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she
had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd
persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the
morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house
of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I
had to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the question
to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often
fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the
uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again.
By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our
rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later
after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like
order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not
story-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the
greatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One property
he possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it
completely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that no
occasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the
stage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon,
he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that
was usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage
directions and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shall
give an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy
wight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes.
I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual.
One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and
who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like
his part.
"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in this
manner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towards
the flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, good
night'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, and
that brings you over here--so you make your exit at once."
"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such
circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor
Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him
a gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltier
wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient
and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran
was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till
the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent
so happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business
has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--there
were just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness and
prosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door
--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fire
of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting
any thing done upon the stage.
Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning
with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is
half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had
scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and
begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler,
who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative,
and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny
already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs.
"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left
me in sole possession of the lady.
"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the
sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside
her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really
cannot talk to any one I don't see."
I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullest
and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as if
pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing
for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing,
spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me
if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced
a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateur
people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to put
every man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thing
Curzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality always
plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if you
had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and
gone off to Bath."
Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me
ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She
was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for
symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to
match it.
My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate
Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very
pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to
profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but
slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never
be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for
upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was
announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled
benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off.
As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible
horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied
air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's
estimation.
"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he,
alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the
corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry,
my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?"
"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do."
"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that
instant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't be
cross--no fault of yours, you know."
"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?"
"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters.
She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together.
We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played
Mirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could
scarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry
for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! Egad
I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged
to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must
end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat,
and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her
feelings; you understand me?"
"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed."
If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the
recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend
Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty
of wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it
stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no
fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty
episode for the mess.
"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I
said, endeavouring to draw him out.
"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The
place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time."
"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your
share of what floating luck the world affords."
"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to
you--"
"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I
turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his
fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself.
After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre,
where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The
green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the
audience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled
with the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden
fowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties
and flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder.
The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was
ten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks
and scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably
mingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionaries
took the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation
whatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled to
light a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually
caught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass
helmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus.
Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with
a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts
of fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for
ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating,
cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend
the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their
instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be
heard by the person beside me.
As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the
curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that
the house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. There
were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their
chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in
fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at
least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture
to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements
behind.
Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little
one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principal
characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer."
The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it
were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my
recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed.
In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle
Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden,
surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillion
in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the
branches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing her
impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself
to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very
sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of
her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own
amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion
of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her
feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the
orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she
waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody--
"Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?"
in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to
account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation
in a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose my
reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here
laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her
presence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had already
gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of
eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando,
half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of
circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford
me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her
solicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were
filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from
absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself
unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here,
however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to
appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish
costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing--
"Oh why is he far," &c. &c.
At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why,
why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind
startles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run the
course of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus now
however, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very moving
apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voice
from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him come
in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the
house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry
Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my
only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk
stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar.
The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of
inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment
gave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have been
confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly
remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair
nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what I
did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new
eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping
only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I must
cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let
me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu
for a season.
CHAPTER XVIb.
[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this one
has an asterisk but no explanation.]
THE WAGER.
It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last
chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning
before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to
assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual
earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said--
"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?"
So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really
felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the
scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which,
and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued--
"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried
friend?"
"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a
scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair
to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile."
"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the
whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence.
"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow
you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?"
"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How your
imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres,"
(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the
regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of
a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting."
As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to
continue, I merely added--
"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on
our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the
Mediterranean."
The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his
lethargy, and he added--
"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my
future hopes are concerned upon the issue--"
"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has
issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred."
"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and
speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without
exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What
have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a
law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that
I am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love."
"Et puis," said I coolly.
"And intend to marry immediately."
"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's
all. But to return--now for the lady."
"Come, you must make a guess."
"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions
have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival
here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist
last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose
macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are
constant."
"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely
girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last."
"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman
with the tow wig?"
"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with the
brightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets,
Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?"
"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and
down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond."
"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here to
listen to--"
"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?"
"Yes, sir, I am angry."
"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?"
"And why not, pray?"
"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in
earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you
that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I
ever met."
"You think so really, Hal?"
"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact
universally admired."
"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better
--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and
abetting she is mine to-morrow morning."
I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily
I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that
Curzon was bona fide in earnest.
"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he.
"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service.
Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as
brides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such a
functionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her
away with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many
marriageable daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriage
as in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have
long since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining
satisfaction.'"
"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been
rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this
occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only
confide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest
Louisa off."
"Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?"
"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear."
"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with
the lady, you don't accompany her yourself."
"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that
question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native
delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell
you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded
prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with
a red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our only
resource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one
condition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost said
obstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations,
and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at
length yielded, and she is to have her own way."
"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?"
"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain
my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery
notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of
delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the
husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to
sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present."
"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I
confess appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very
delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect
stranger under such circumstances?"
"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling
Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the
greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at
once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide
her to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately
replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion
will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous
tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to
trust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whom
could I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is
five-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at
the end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon
you. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and
as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little
assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always
represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn
of an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutiny
is not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting
to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall
have made me the happiest of mortals."
Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the
delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the
Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten
for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose.
A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the
morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles
distant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was
subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old
college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the
treaty was to be concluded.
This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary to
insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to
mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's
behalf.
"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother
is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well,
just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any
chance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you know
if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take
all that upon my hands."
"Oh! of course--I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help
running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure
presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans
or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's
bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate
directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the
lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and
appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to
obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the
regiment.
When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without
evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel
who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots
not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have
struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step,
no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and
equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present
occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being most
profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters
medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises
such discussions among the non-medical public.
The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon
Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend
on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which
necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he
continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly
sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in
upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on
the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth,
had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's
memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz.
himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others
hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald
--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and
a third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that
a hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for
such services as his on so grave an occasion.
"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely.
"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll
make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried
one.
"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance,
reason to suppose his fee would be a large one.
During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely;
and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my
share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about
to be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had really
thirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such a
prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition.
They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for
some time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and
I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow
morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decide
between us afterwards as to the winner."
"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take
the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be
pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser."
This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many
parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could
be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald,
fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the
least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the
adjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity
of wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet
was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I
had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the
department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what
peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the
doctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I
conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than
the equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated,
and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as
a bride-groom.
I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed
conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of
departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the
guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself
on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in
suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the
scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had
myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and
how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had
intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same
unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something
very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at
marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in
very unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something will
surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be
blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for
about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my
servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of
the barrack lane.
"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock."
"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and
they must go it almost at a walk."
That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't
help it.
In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by
the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a
deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could
not recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with
my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to
the barrack-gate.
As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash was
quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared.
"Is that you, Harry?"
"Yes--when do you start?"
"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards of
twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon."
"Here's the carriage, sir; this way."
"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?"
"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for
doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them."
I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given,
and away we went.
Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied
with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now,
so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the
bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I
had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or
did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if
by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood
a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death
by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his
breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his
fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor
miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their
heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather
blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon
might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had
succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence.
Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these
very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after
all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a
transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at
the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his
prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a
man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant
to settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure
up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being
mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even
were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother.
Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the
darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about
me, and knew nothing of where I was.
Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets
you to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep,
and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had pondered
over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings
of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I
was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established
that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the
chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber.
If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent
view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill
luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on
the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain,
besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter
what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the
imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or
abandon me at once.
Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace
faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I
had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an
angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up
and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I
was or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that
we were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they
can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the
house, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and
stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads;
is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel
and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was
addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and
breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up
with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious
cut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly
thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a
vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope
with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches
who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my
fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of
acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant
in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the
chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor
darlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the bar
of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact
can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid
before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my
present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the
chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment
before the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one,
to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with
Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely
fate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how
seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was
upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow
me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only
pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the
territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on
my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe
from interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his
interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These serious
reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the
grave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak
and my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord
grant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he
is better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer
of the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended
leisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and
with a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house.
In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat
advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One
of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and
retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The
other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking
subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an
alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of
the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's
glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe,
for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner,
half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the
higher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and
grumble.
"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr.
Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though
they call me doctor."
"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving
his hand towards his rubicund confrere.
I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such
highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment
the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and
disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history
of the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound
in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who
had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under
some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of,
and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless
the mark!) was requested.
As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I
pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for
at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my
two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy
chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and
habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression.
"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said
my tall coadjutor.
"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out
something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every
day this two months."
"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my
learned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the
malady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan
escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression
upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I
remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I
thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a
bold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and
affectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And
here?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive,"
said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows,
and looked indescribably wise at my confreres.
"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one.
"Certainly not."
"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour
after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical,
which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy
friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and
resumed, "this must not be touched."
"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient.
"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you
please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to
withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to
the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed
in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a
very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to
eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the
entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham,
rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations
by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of
recovery.
"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his
labours, "what are we to do?"
"Ay," said the other, "there's the question."
"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this
was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know
what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to
guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it.
"So you think that will be best."
"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered.
"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very
candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant,"
said the fat one.
"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here
I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were
worse things than the practice of physic.
"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door.
"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it."
"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?"
said the rosy one.
"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he
may not desire it."
"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a
half sigh, as he put a check into my hand.
I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air
into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of
happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off;
never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and
felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an
hour.