CHAPTER XI.

Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger

[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the

file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an

entire meal of them. D.W.]

THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 2

[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]

Dublin

MDCCCXXXIX.

Volume 2. (Chapters XI. to XVII.)

Contents:

CHAPTER XI

Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend

CHAPTER XII

Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula

CHAPTER XIII

Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society

CHAPTER XIV

The Chase

CHAPTER XV

Mems Of the North Cork

CHAPTER XVI

Theatricals

CHAPTER XVI* (As here the chapter number is repeated in the print copy.)

The Wager

CHAPTER XVII

The Elopement

CHAPTER XI.

CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND.

It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the

Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save my

half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of

the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the

incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have

still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless

labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and

ill-lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of every

thing and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge

of becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where several

people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed

and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked

sharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair,

and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got the

Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements.

The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six,

sat still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the

silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the

table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled

man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his

feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to

sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two

hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently

trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and

most important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire

been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let

me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily

increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every

thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and

dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune

--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It

was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not

these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very

penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have

always felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much and

warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I

must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea

of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they

think at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed

allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each

of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all,

the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join

my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his

labour on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all

manner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an

exchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether.

However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties

presented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still

point, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the

slightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter

what suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine,

and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I

might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my

name was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the

bar, had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel.

"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one

here, that I can remember."

"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and

here he is."

At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a

very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and

unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly

countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I

had served in the Peninsula.

Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold

speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite

sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and

what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished,

and desired a hot supper, "de suite."

Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite,

proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows:

There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not

absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long

career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the

moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a

son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long

since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his

intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel

--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who had

never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely

on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the

want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured

did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own

expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down

express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once.

"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known

her father?"

"Known him? I never saw him."

"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his

acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a 'particeps criminis' in the

elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid

out of his own money?"

"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess,

my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead to

gratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed

in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of

your humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be

purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly

kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the

retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the

halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in

devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots

the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks."

"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair,

time considered, does appear rather difficult."

"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I

put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand

pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme,

has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction."

"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!"

"The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you,

and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode

of opening the trenches."

"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of

light upon the affair."

"There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and

I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel

--'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed to

make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously

ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from

my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much

care which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most

kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his

daughter will tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun,

Harry. I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be

decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so

freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent.

You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding."

"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so

clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open

question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an

opinion."

"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I

have not come to that."

"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character

assigned to me in the drama?"

"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity

of my valet."

"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence.

"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shall

choose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole female

world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity

vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and

form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the

world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it."

The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an

office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to

expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At

last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar

arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by

retorting Jack's proposition.

"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the master

and you the man on this occasion."

To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller

grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the

utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his

prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the

most remote degree the commission of such extravagance.

Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole,"

touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the

Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;)

he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and

obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from

mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my

lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady

Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a

marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting

of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service,

wherever the story reached.

The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled

in these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might take

the trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any character

which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted

by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen

--then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely to

concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must

have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had just

affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in

his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had

committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal

talents I copy from the original document now in my posession.

"The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be

the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's

__th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly

called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby

promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to

the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the

aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the

aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four

weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as

his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan

--duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in

every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--"

"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack.

"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing."

"--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the

aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the

sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a

faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on

the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer

fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the

territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot

selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself

with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--"

"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack.

"--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid

Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success,

the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to

maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn

pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former

condition, for the space of time there mentioned."

We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its

perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we

parted and retired for the night.

The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller

standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and

all the world.

"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered

on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in

our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere

picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a

most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind,

and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven

years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he

did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he

did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the

service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to

the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not

fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one

considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but

yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll

say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger

to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr.

Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr.

Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as

might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British

officers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfully

requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished

services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified

approval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is

necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord

Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may

suit Colonel K.'s convenience.' What think you now? Is this a

master-stroke or not?"

"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh.

"But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already."

I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very

decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very

knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury.

"You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a

little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course,

gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat."

"Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of

it."

"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the

height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably

close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your

most obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it."

While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me,

which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It

ran thus--

"Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of

Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can

afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will

permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to

Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he

need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal.

"Colonel K. dines at six precisely."

When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air,

and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out--

"The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten

thousand: she is your own this minute."

Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not

help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform,

and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been

able to command.

That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I

sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a

very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of

white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the

decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves;

there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of

any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured

the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth,

which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of

comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent;

and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never

tasted better Madeira.

"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I

took the Rajah prisoner?"

"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the

very last time I dined at Government-House."

"Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of

rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit

him to escape--but no--I refused flatly."

"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them,

of course--."

"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No,

no; I have them this moment in good government security.

"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself

another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of

infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye

--they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and

there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the

first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the

south-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me. Well, it was a

little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in

command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before

Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with

four pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to open

my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir,

you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I said

before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect

the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at the

same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy

this dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of my

position--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot

see myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near

the half moon."

"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the

carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of

the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to

hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be

gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the

interruption, dismissed the servant by saying--

"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I

am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your

pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and

besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my

dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again."

With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the

"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly

thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette,

sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a

stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a

degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and

unoccupied party to witness.

"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort

Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to

you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady

courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed

places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the

preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had

preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own

carriage.

My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks'

sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting

details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling

in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was

extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery

toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of

manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked

attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success,

imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very

little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple.

Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and

cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation,

infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any

interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her

pony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for

at least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel,

engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which

was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but

a very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I

pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity

of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the

propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he

was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded

with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus

progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--not

indeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth,

"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple

in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a

most excellent character for every virtue under heaven.

I must hasten on.--The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a

close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only

waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my

letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous

bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire,

the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth

'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every

evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in

better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and

uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her

thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy

father believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance,

I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me

some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand

if "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I well

remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment,

half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the

answer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and I

asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters,"

varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not

returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the

next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth,

as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and

retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to

have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and

begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to

assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was

in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door

awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's

servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir."

I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down,"

proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a

vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed

only the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most

diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small

bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit

of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which

colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs,

deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I

turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for

I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to

the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few

words were written:

"The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how

you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the

tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your

kind master,

"John Waller."

The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I

should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what

was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes,

Thomas?"

"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them."

"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas

disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be

found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come

down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting,

and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as

they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish

to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must

tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able

to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in my

head, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me,

Thomas--for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in

my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many

persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were

laughing at; the thought was horrible.

"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said

Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he

again appeared at the door.

"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are

you grinning at?"

"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now,"

said the fellow with an odious grin.

I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my

strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs

chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of

mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only

one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down

stairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would not

be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at

least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him

the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost

sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would

never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it

was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much

indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy

trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last

the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more

absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his

table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery.

If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and

bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with

something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my

bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and

so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost

abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for

vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange

quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any

characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance.

I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could

survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door,

hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met

was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the

plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to

be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for

a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said--

"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the

constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous

superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on.

Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the

breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of

people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at

the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to

do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small

groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a

very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm

--shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him

with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him.

The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered,

ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter

so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one

might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of

indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be

most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin

costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the

louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks

out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last,

amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller

stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand

without support.

"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together;

"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of

intimacy between us shall--"

Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room,

called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel

Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs,

&c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle.

Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out

with--

"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to

be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his

table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.--How far he

might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his

master, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly for

it, you young rascal, that you shall."

"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess

exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions

you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however,

before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has

dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration

knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed

that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity.

Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed

between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven;

"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather

respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd

run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case

the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with

him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority,

"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall

endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth;

and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no

more of your society."

I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from

this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from

the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the

avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers,

groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my

"detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp,

short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the

infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our

agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham.

Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit

the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure

suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were

then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the

necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third

morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and

bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could

discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and

then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last

toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a

tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely

risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half

invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our

own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We

had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual

bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the

same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young

lady who had eloped that morning with an officer.

"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my

companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was

too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the

chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer

was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host,"

Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had

lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies

and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings;

and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of

Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent,

where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his

father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly

broken the compact.

So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such

experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie

in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional

confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I

refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I

discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such

"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would

have left me without a pleasure in existence.