_The Luminary._--Hullo!
_The Satellite._--Ah! got back? Is that you, Mr. Rink?
_The Luminary._--Wal, ef 't a'n't me, 't 's my nose. Mebby y' a'n't
aware, young man, that you planted your shoe-leather on my olfactory?
_The Satellite._--Indeed, no, Sir. I thought I felt something under my
foot, as I was getting up. So it seems it was your nose. Beg your
pardon, Sir,--entirely unintentional. Hope I----
_The Luminary._--Who's your shoemaker? What do you wear for cow-hide?
_The Satellite._--An excellent artist, a long way from Paris. I have on
at this moment a very neat thing in English gaiters, of respectable
dimensions, toe-corners sharp as Damascus blade, three-fourths of an
inch in sole, one and a half inches in heel, with a plenty of half-inch,
cast-steel nails all round,--quite a neat thing, I assure you.
_The Luminary._--Whew!
_The Satellite._--But I hope, Sir, I haven't injured your nose?
_The Luminary._--Can't tell jest yit. Anyhow, you gev me a proper
sneezer, a most pertickler hahnsome socdolager, I vum! Landed jest below
the peepers. But hold on till mornin', an' see how breakfast sets. I
allers estimate the nose by the stomach. Ef I find my stomach's all
right, 't 'll be a sure sign that the smellers are pooty rugged.
_The Satellite._--That's rather an odd idea. I was aware that the nose
is a natural guide to the stomach, but didn't know that the reverse
would hold good. What is the----
_The Luminary._--Poor rule that wun't work both ways. Six of one and
half a dozen of the other. Do you s'pose the nose could afford to work
free gratis for the stomach, with plenty to do an' nothin' to git? No,
Sir, not by a jugful! People that want favors mustn't be stingy in
givin' on 'em. It's on the scratch-my-back-an'-I'll-tickle-your-elbow
system. The stomach's got to keep up his eend o' the rope, or he'll jest
go under, sure. One good turn deserves another, you know.
_The Satellite._--Yes, a very pretty theory, and certainly a just one.
Quite on the Mutual-Benefit principle. Still, I should be inclined to
doubt whether there are facts sufficient to sustain it.
_The Luminary._--Wal, my hearty, you jest belay a bit up there; clew
down your hatches ship-shape, git everythin' all trig, an' lay to. Why,
my Christian friend, I intend to post you up thoroughly. Your
edication's been neglected. Facts? Facts? Bless your noddle, there's
plenty on 'em, ef a man knows beans. Now I'm jest a-goin' to let
daylight into that little knowledge-box o' yourn, an' fill it with good,
wholesome idees, clean up to the brim, an' runnin' over,--good, honest,
Shaker measure. I'll give ye more new wrinkles afore mornin' than ever
you dreamed of in your physiology, valooable hints, an' nuthin' to pay.
* * * * *
Being now securely camped on my mountain-height, I peered out upon the
horizon beneath, and signified to the Luminary that the gas might at
once be turned on full blaze.
"As when the sun new risen
Looks through the horizontal misty air,"
so gleamed, no longer nebulous, but now full-orbed, the bright star
Diaetetica,--a central sun, holding within its ample bosom the star-dust
of whole galaxies, infinite gastric constellations.
_The Luminary._--"Any fool'll allow that there's nerves, an' plenty on
'em, all over the body. All these nerves come from the stomach. Fact is,
they're the stomach's errand-boys. They run round an' do his chores jest
as he says, an' then trot back ag'in. He's an awful hard master,
though,--likes to shirk, an' makes 'em lug round all his baggage an'
chicken-fixin's. When he gits grumpy, which is pooty consid'able often,
he's death on some on 'em,--jest walks into 'em like chain-lightnin'
into a gooseberry-bush. When he's gouty, he kicks up a most etarnal
touse with the great-toe nerve, an' slaps it right into him fore an'
aft, the wust kind. Folks hev asked me why the gout pitches into the
great toe wuss than the rest on 'em. It's jest as nateral as Natur'. I
cal'late it's a special Providence for the benefit of the hull human
family, to hang out a big sign jest where folks ken see it, to show up
the man who's ben an' sinned ag'inst his stomach. When he limps round in
flannel, he's a conspicoous hobblin' advertisement, a fust-cut lecterer
on temperance, an' the horrible example to boot. Now you know the way
the stomach an' nerves fay in.
"Wal, then ag'in, there's another set,--the stomach's own
blood-relations. He's head o' the family, an' they all work in together
nice an' handy, jest as slick as grease. Lam ary one on 'em, an' you got
to lam the whole boodle. Jest like a hornet's nest: shake a stick at ary
one o' the group, an' they all come buzzin' round te'ble miffy in less
'n no time. There's the nose,--he wears a coat jest as well 's the
stomach: he's the stomach's favorite grandson, the Benjamin of the
flock. Say anythin' to him, an' the stomach takes it up; say anythin' to
the stomach, an' he takes it up. All in a family-way, ye see. Love me,
love my dorg. There's no disputin' the fact, that you can't kill ary one
on 'em without walkin' over the dead body of the others. You can't whip
ary one on 'em except over the others' shoulders. Now you know who the
nose is, who his connections are, an' what's his geneology. He's
descended from the stomach in the second degree, an' will be heir to all
the property, ef so be he's true to himself an' the family. Ef he a'n't,
th' old man'll cut him off with a shillin', sure.
"Now dyspepsy's of two kinds,--the mucous an' the nervous; an' as I'm a
sinner, every mother's son an' daughter has got one on 'em. The nervous,
as you will naterally s'pose from my remarks, is a sort o' hired
help,--friend o' the family, like a poor relation,--handy to hev in the
house, an' all that. The other allers takes pot-luck with the family,
runs in an' out jest as he pleases,--chip o' the old block, one o' the
same crowd, you know. It's considered ruther more hon'able, in course,
to hev this one. None o' the man-waiter or sarvant-gal about him. A chap
with the mucous looks kind o' slick an' smooth, an' feels his oats pooty
wal; but a codger with the nervous is sort o' thin an' wild-like.
Wholesalers ginerally hev the fust, an' retailers the second; though,
'casionally, I hev known exceptions. A bank-president invariably has the
second; an' I never seen an apple-woman without the other. All accordin'
to Natur', ye see. But either on 'em 'll do. Take jest whichever you can
git,--that's my advice,--an' thank Providence. They'll either on 'em be
faithful friends, never desert ye, cling closer than a brother, never
say die, stick to ye, in p'int o' fact, like a sick kitten to a hot
brick. It's jest as I said,--every critter's got one on 'em. But there's
no two men alike, so there's no two dyspepsies alike. There never was,
an' never will be. 'T 's exackly like the human family, divided into two
great classes, black an' white, long-heel an' short-heel. Jes' so ...
nervous ... mucous ... Magna Charta ... Palladium of our liberties ...
ark of our safety ... manifest destiny ... Constitootion of our
forefathers ... fit, bled, an' died ... independence forever ... one an'
inseparable ... last drop o' blood...."
How it was I don't quite know; but I think that at this point the
Luminary must have sunk below the horizon. Possibly his Satellite may
have suffered an eclipse in this quarter of the heavens. I can barely
recall a thin doze, in which these last eloquent fragments, transfigured
into sprites and kobolds, wearing a most diabolical grin, seemed to be
chasing each other in furious and endless succession through my brain,
or playing at hide-and-seek among the convolutions of the cerebrum.
After a while, they wearied of this rare sport, scampered away, and left
me in profound sleep till morning.