It was not without hesitation that Laura formed her resolution to
conceal from Hargrave her place of abode. She felt for the uneasiness
which this concealment would cause him. She feared that her desertion
might remove one incitement to a virtuous course. But she considered,
that while their future connection was doubtful, it was imprudent to
strengthen by habitual intercourse their need of each other's society;
and she reflected, that she could best estimate his character from
actions performed beyond the sphere of her influence. Her watchful
self-distrust made her fear to expose her resolution to his
importunities; and she felt the impropriety of introducing into her
aunt's family, a person who stood on terms with her which she did not
choose to explain. These reasons induced her to withhold from Hargrave
the knowledge of her new situation; and, certain that if it were known
to Mrs Stubbs or her servants he would soon be master of the secret, she
left no clue by which to trace her retreat. Perhaps, though she did not
confess it to herself, she was assisted in this act of self-command by a
latent hope, that as she was now to be introduced to a society on his
own level, Hargrave might not find the mystery quite inscrutable.
She was kindly welcomed by Lady Pelham, and took possession of a small
but commodious apartment, where she arranged her drawing-materials,
together with the few books she possessed, intending to make that her
retreat as often as her aunt found amusement or occupation independent
of her. She resolved to devote her chief attention to making herself
useful and entertaining to her patroness. In the first, she derived
hopes of success, from Lady Pelham's declared incapacity for all
employments that are strictly feminine. The second, she thought, would
be at once easy and pleasant, for Lady Pelham was acute, lively, and
communicative. This latter quality she possessed in an unusual degree,
and yet Laura found it difficult to unravel her character. In general,
she saw that her aunt's understanding was bright; she was persuaded that
in general her heart was warm and generous; but the descent to
particulars baffled Laura's penetration. Lady Pelham could amuse--could
delight; she said many wise, and many brilliant things; but her wisdom
was not always well-timed, and her brilliant things were soap-bubbles in
the sun, sparkling and highly coloured, but vanishing at the touch of
him who would examine their structure. Lady Pelham could dispute with
singular acuteness. By the use of ambiguous terms, by ingenious
sophistry, by dexterously shifting from the ground of controversy, she
could baffle, and perplex, and confound her opponents: but she could not
argue; she never convinced. Her opinions seemed fluctuating, and Laura
was sometimes ready to imagine that she defended them, not because they
were just, nor even because they were her own, but merely because she
had called them so; for with a new antagonist she could change sides,
and maintain the opposite ground with equal address.
In spite of all the warmth of heart for which she gave her heart credit,
Laura soon began to imagine that Lady Pelham had no friends. Among all
the acquaintances whom she attracted and amused, no one seemed to
exchange regard with her. The gaiety of pleasure never softened in her
presence into the tenderness of affection. Laura could not discover that
there existed one being from whose failings Lady Pelham respectfully
averted her own sight, while reverently veiling them from the eyes of
others. A few, a very few, seemed to be the objects of Lady Pelham's
esteem; those of her love Laura could not discover. Towards her,
however, her aunt expressed a strong affection; and Laura continued to
persuade herself, that if Lady Pelham had no friends, it was because she
was surrounded by those who were not worthy of her friendship.
As she appeared to invite and to desire unreserved confidence, Laura had
soon made her acquainted with the narrative of her short life, excepting
in so far as it related to Hargrave. At the detail of the unworthy
advantage which Warren had taken of Montreville's inability to enforce
his claim for the annuity, Lady Pelham broke out into sincere and
vehement expressions of indignation and contempt; for no one more
cordially abhorred oppression, or despised meanness in others. She
immediately gave directions to her man of business to attempt bringing
the affair to a conclusion, and even to threaten Warren with a
prosecution in case of his refusal. Virtuous resistance of injustice was
motive sufficient for this action. Pity that Lady Pelham should have
sought another in the economy and ease with which it promised to provide
for an indigent relative! Mr Warren was no sooner informed that the poor
obscure unfriended Laura was the niece of Lady Pelham, and the inmate of
her house, than he contrived to arrive at a marvellous certainty that
the price of the annuity had been paid, and that the mistake in the
papers relating to it originated in mere accident. In less than a
fortnight the informality was rectified, and the arrears of the annuity
paid into Laura's hands; the lawyer having first, at Lady Pelham's
desire, deducted the price of his services.
With tears in her eyes, Laura surveyed her wealth, now of diminished
value in her estimation. 'Only a few weeks ago,' said she, 'how precious
had this been to me.--But now!--Yet it is precious still,' said she, as
she wiped the tears away, 'for it can minister occasions of obedience
and usefulness.' That very day she dispatched little presents for each
of Mrs Douglas's children, in which use was more considered than show;
and in the letter which announced her gifts, she inclosed half the
remaining sum to be distributed among her own poor at Glenalbert. That
her appearance might not discredit her hostess, she next proceeded to
renew her wardrobe; and though she carefully avoided unnecessary
expence, she consulted not only decency but elegance in her attire. In
this, and all other matters of mere indifference, Laura was chiefly
guided by her aunt; for she had early observed that this lady, upon all
occasions, small as well as great, loved to exercise the office of
dictatrix. No person could have been better fitted than Laura to
conciliate such a temper; for on all the lesser occasions of submissions
she was as gentle and complying as she was inflexible upon points of
real importance. In their conversations, too, though Laura defended her
own opinions with great firmness, she so carefully avoided direct
contradiction or sarcastic retort, impatience in defeat, or triumph in
victory, that even Lady Pelham could scarcely find subject of irritation
in so mild an antagonist. In some respects, their tempers seemed to
tally admirably. Lady Pelham had great aptitude in detecting errors,
Laura a genius for remedying them. Difficulty always roused her
Ladyship's impatience, but she found an infallible resource in the
perseverance of Laura. In short, Laura contrived so many opportunities,
or seized with such happy art those which presented themselves, of
ministering to the comfort or convenience of her aunt, that she became
both respectable and necessary to her; and this was, generally speaking,
the utmost extent of Lady Pelham's attachments.
Lady Pelham sometimes spoke of her daughter, and Laura never missed the
opportunity of urging a reconciliation. She insisted that the rights of
natural affection were unalienable; that as they did not rest upon the
merits, so neither could they be destroyed by the unworthiness either of
parents or of children. The mother answered, with great impatience, that
Laura's argument was entirely founded on prejudice; that it was true
that for the helplessness of infancy, a peculiar feeling was provided;
but that in all animals this peculiar feeling ceased as soon as it was
no longer essential to the existence of the individual. 'From
thenceforth,' added she, 'the regard must be founded on the qualities of
the head and heart; and if my child is destitute of these, I can see no
reason why I should prefer her to the child of any other woman.' 'Ah!'
said Laura, tears of grateful recollection rushing down her cheek, 'some
parents have loved their child with a fervour which no worth of hers
could merit.' The gush of natural sensibility for this time averted the
rising storm; but the next time that Laura renewed her conciliatory
efforts, Lady Pelham, growing more vehement as she became herself
convinced that she was in the wrong, burst into a paroxysm of rage; and,
execrating all rebellious children, and their defenders, commanded Laura
in future to confine her attention to what might concern herself.
The humbling spectacle of a female face distorted with passion was not
quite new to Laura. Undismayed, she viewed it with calm commiseration;
and mildly expressing her sorrow for having given offence, took up her
work and left the ferment to subside at leisure. Her Ladyship's passion
soon cooled; and, making advances with a sort of surly condescension,
she entered on a new topic. Laura answered exactly as if nothing
disagreeable had happened; and Lady Pelham could not divine whether her
niece commanded her countenance, or her temper. Upon one principle of
judging the lady had grounds for her doubt; she herself had sometimes
commanded her countenance--her temper never.
Laura not only habitually avoided giving or taking offence, but made it
a rule to extinguish its last traces by some act of cordiality and
good-will. This evening, therefore, she proposed, with a grace which
seemed rather to petition a favour than to offer a service, to attempt
a portrait of her aunt. The offer was accepted with pleasure, and the
portrait begun on the following day. It proved a likeness, and a
favourable one. Lady Pelham was kinder than ever. Laura avoided the
prohibited subject, and all was quiet and serene. Lady Pelham at last
herself reverted to it; for indeed she could not long forbear to speak
upon any topic that roused her passions. No dread of personal
inconvenience could deter Laura from an act of justice or mercy, and she
again steadily pronounced her opinion. But aware that one who would
persuade must be careful not to irritate, she expressed her sentiments
with still more cautious gentleness than formerly; and perceiving that
her aunt was far more governed by passion than by reason, she quitted
argument for entreaty. By these means she avoided provoking hostility,
though she failed to win compliance. Lady Pelham seemed to be utterably
impenetrable to entreaty, or to take pride in resisting it, and Laura
had only to hope that time would favour her suit.
Lady Pelham mentioned an intention of moving early to the country, and
Laura rejoiced in the prospect of once more beholding the open face of
Heaven--of listening to nature's own music--of breathing the light air
of spring. She longed to turn her ear from the discords of the city to
the sweet sounds of peace--her eye from countenances wan with care,
flushed with intemperance, or ghastly with famine, to cheeks brown with
wholesome exercise, or ruddy with health and contentment--to exchange
the sight of dusky brick walls, and walks overlooked by thousands, for
the sunny slope or the sheltered solitary lane. Lady Pelham took
pleasure in describing the beauties of Walbourne, and Laura listened to
her with interest, anticipating eagerly the time when she should inhabit
so lovely, so peaceful a scene. But that interest and eagerness rose to
the highest, when she accidentally discovered that the De Courcy family
were Lady Pelham's nearest neighbours in the country.
The want of something to love and cherish, which was with her Ladyship a
mere form of speech, was with Laura a real necessity of nature; and
though it was one which almost every situation could supply, since every
creature that approached her was the object of her benevolence, yet much
of the happiness of so domestic a being depended on the exercise of the
dearer charities, and no one was more capable of a distinguishing
preference than Laura. She had a hearty regard for the De Courcy family.
She revered Mrs De Courcy; she liked Harriet; and bestowed on Montague
her cordial esteem and gratitude. This gratitude had now acquired a
sacred tenderness; for it was associated in her mind with the
remembrance of a parent. De Courcy's self-denial had cheered her
father's sick-bed, his benevolence gladdened her father's heart, and his
self-denial appeared more venerable, his benevolence more endearing.
Having written to inform Harriet of the change in her situation, she
discovered from her answer a new proof of De Courcy's friendship, in the
fruitless journey which he had made to relieve her, and she regretted
that her caution had deprived her of an opportunity of seeing and
thanking him for all his kindness. 'Yet, if we had met,' said she, 'I
should probably have acted as I have done a thousand times before; left
him to believe me an insensible, ungrateful creature, for want of
courage to tell him that I was not so.' She longed, however, to see De
Courcy; for with him she thought she could talk of her father--to him
lament her irreparable loss, dwell with him on the circumstances that
aggravated her sorrow--on the prospects which mingled that sorrow with
hope. This was a subject on which she never entered with Lady Pelham any
farther than necessity required--real sorrow has its holy ground, on
which no vulgar foot must tread. The self-command of Laura would have
forbidden her, in any situation, to darken with a settled gloom the
sunshine of domestic cheerfulness; but Lady Pelham had in her somewhat
which repels the confidence of grief. Against all the arrows of
misfortune, blunted at least as they rebound from the breasts of others,
she seemed to 'wear a charmed life.' She often indeed talked of
sensibility, and reprobated the want of it as the worst of faults; but
the only kind of it in which she indulged rather inclined to the
acrimonious than the benevolent, and Laura began to perceive, that
however her aunt might distinguish them in others, irascible passions
and keen feelings were in herself synonymous.
After the effort of giving and receiving the entertainment which Lady
Pelham constantly offered, and as constantly exacted in return, Laura
experienced a sensation of recovered freedom when the arrival of a
visitor permitted her to escape to her own apartment. She saw nobody but
her aunt, and never went abroad except to church. Thus, during a
fortnight which she had passed in Grosvenor Street she had heard nothing
of Hargrave. She was anxious to know whether he visited Lady Pelham;
for, with rustic ignorance, she imagined that all people of condition
who resided in the same town must be known to each other; but she had
not courage to ask, and searched in vain for his name among the cards
that crowded the table in the lobby. Though she was conscious of some
curiosity to know how he employed the hours which her absence left
vacant, she did not own to herself that she was at all concerned in a
resolution which she took, to inquire in person whether any letters had
been left for her with Mrs Stubbs. She did not choose to commit the
inquiry to a servant, because she would not condescend to enjoin her
messenger to secrecy as to the place of her abode; and she continued
resolved to give her lover no clue to discover it.
Accordingly, she early one morning set out in a hackney-coach, which she
took the precaution to leave at some distance from her old lodgings,
ordering it to wait her return. Fanny was delighted to see her, and
charmed with the improvement of her dress, and the returning
healthfulness of her appearance; but the landlady eyed her askance, and
surlily answered to her inquiry for her letters, that she would bring
the only one she had got; muttering, as she went to fetch it, something
of which the words 'secret doings' were all that reached Laura's ear.
'There, Miss,' said the ungracious Mrs Stubbs, 'there's your letter, and
there's the queer scrawl it came wrapped up in.' 'Mr De Courcy's hand,'
cried Laura surprised, but thinking, from its size, that some time would
be required to read it, she deferred breaking the seal till she should
return to her carriage. 'I suppose you're mistaken, Miss,' said Mrs
Stubbs; 'Mr De Courcy was here twice the day it came, and he never said
a word of it.'
Laura now tremulously inquired whether she might be permitted to visit
her father's room; but being roughly answered that it was occupied, she
quietly prepared to go. As Fanny followed her through the garden, to
open the gate for her, Laura, a conscious blush rising to her face,
inquired whether any body else had inquired for her since her departure.
Fanny, who was ready to burst with the news of Hargrave's visit, and who
was just meditating how she might venture to introduce it, improved this
occasion of entering on a full detail of his behaviour. With the true
waiting-maid-like fondness for romance, she enlarged upon all his
extravagancies, peeping side-long now and then under Laura's bonnet, to
catch encouragement from the complacent simper with which such tales are
often heard. But no smile repaid her eloquence. With immoveable
seriousness did Laura listen to her, gravely revolving the strange
nature of that love which could so readily amalgamate with rage and
jealousy, and every discordant passion. She was hurt at the indecorum
which exposed these weaknesses to the observation of a servant; and
with a sigh reflected, that, to constitute the happiness of a woman of
sense and spirit, a husband must be possessed of qualities respectable
as well as amiable.
Fanny next tried, whether what concerned De Courcy might not awaken more
apparent interest; and here she had at least a better opportunity to
judge of the effect of her narrative, for Laura stopped and turned full
towards her. But Fanny had now no transports to relate, except De
Courcy's indignation of Mrs Stubbs' calumny; and it was not without
hesitating, and qualifying, and apologizing, that the girl ventured to
hint at the insinuation which her mistress had thrown out. She had at
last succeeded in raising emotion, for indignant crimson dyed Laura's
cheeks, and fire flashed from her eyes. But Laura seldom spoke while she
was angry; and again she silently pursued her way. 'Pray, Madam,' said
the girl as she was opening the gate, 'do be so good as to tell me where
you live now, that nobody may speak ill of you before me?' 'I thank you,
my good girl,' returned Laura, a placid smile again playing on her
countenance; 'but my character is in no danger.--You were kind to us,
Fanny, when you knew that we could not reward you; accept of this from
me;' and she put five guineas into her hand. 'No, indeed, Ma'am,' cried
Fanny, drawing back her hand and colouring; 'I was civil for pure good
will, and--.' Laura, whose sympathy with her inferiors was not confined
to her bodily wants, fully understood the feeling that revolts from
bartering for gold alone the service of the heart. 'I know it my dear,'
answered she, in an affectionate tone; 'and believe me, I only mean to
acknowledge, not to repay, your kindness.' Fanny, however, persisted in
her refusal, and Laura obliged her to leave her at the gate, where, with
tears in her eyes, the girl stood gazing after her till she was out of
sight. 'I'm sure,' said she, turning towards the house as Laura
disappeared, 'I'm sure she was made to be a queen, for the more one
likes her, the more she frightens one.'
As soon as Laura was seated in her carriage, she opened her packet, and
with momentary disappointment examined its contents. 'Not one line!' she
cried in a tone of mortification; and then turned to the envelope
addressed to Mrs Stubbs. Upon comparing this with the circumstances
which she had lately heard, she at once comprehended De Courcy's
intention of serving her by stealth, foregoing the credit due to his
generosity. She wondered, indeed, that he had neglected to disguise his
hand-writing in the superscription. 'Did he think,' said she, 'that I
could have forgotten the writing that has so often brought comfort to my
father?' She little guessed how distant from his mind was the repose
which can attend to minute contrivance.
Delighted to discover a trait of character which tallied so well with
her preconceived opinion, she no sooner saw Lady Pelham than she related
it to her aunt, and began a warm eulogium on De Courcy's temper and
dispositions. Lady Pelham coldly cut her short, by saying, 'I believe Mr
De Courcy is a very good young man, but I am not very fond of prodigies.
One can't both wonder and like at a time; your men with two heads are
always either supposititious or disgusting.' This speech was one of the
dampers which the warm heart abhors; real injury could not more
successfully chill affection or repress confidence. It had just malice
and just truth enough to be provoking; and for the second time that day
Laura had to strive with the risings of anger. She was upon the point of
saying, 'So, aware of the impossibility of being at once wonderful and
pleasing, your Ladyship, I suppose, aims at only one of these objects;'
but ere the sarcasm found utterance, she checked herself, and hastened
out of the room, with the sensation of having escaped from danger. She
retired to write to De Courcy a letter of grateful acknowledgment; in
which, after having received Lady Pelham's approbation, she inclosed his
gift, explaining the circumstances which now rendered it unnecessary.
Lady Pelham was not more favourable to the rest of the De Courcy family
than she had been to Montague. She owned, indeed, that Mrs De Courcy was
the best woman in the world, but a virtue, she said, so cased in armour,
necessarily precluded all grace or attraction. Harriet she characterized
as a little sarcastic coquette. Laura, weary of being exposed to the
double peril of weakly defending, or angrily supporting her attacked
friends, ceased to mention the De Courcys at all; though, with a
pardonable spirit of contradiction, she loved them the better for the
unprovoked hostility of Lady Pelham. The less she talked of them, the
more she longed for the time when she might, unrestrained, exchange with
them testimonies of regard. The trees in the Park, as they burst into
leaf, stimulated Laura's desire for the country; and while she felt the
genial air of spring, or listened to the early song of some luckless
bird caged in a neighbouring window, or saw the yellow glories of the
crocus peeping from its unnatural sanctuary, she counted the days till
her eyes should be gladdened with the joyous face of nature. Only a
fortnight had now to pass before her wish was to be gratified, for Lady
Pelham intended at the end of that time to remove to Walbourne.
Laura was just giving the finishing touches to her aunt's portrait when
a visitor was announced; and, very unwilling to break off at this
interesting crisis, Lady Pelham having first scolded the servant for
letting in her friend, desired him to shew the lady into the room where
Laura was at work. The usual speeches being made, the lady began--'Who
does your ladyship think bowed to me _en passant_ just as I was getting
out of the carriage?--Why, Lady Bellamer!--Can you conceive such
effrontery?' 'Indeed, I think, in common modesty, she should have waited
for your notice!' 'Do you know, I am told on good authority that
Hargrave is determined not to marry her.' Laura's breath came
short.--'He is very right,' returned Lady Pelham. 'A man must be a great
fool to marry where he has had such damning proofs of frailty.' Laura's
heart seemed to pause for a moment, and then to redouble its
beating.--'What Hargrave can this be?' thought she; but she durst not
inquire. 'I hear,' resumed the lady, 'that his uncle is enraged at him,
and more for the duel than the _crim. con._' The pencils dropped from
Laura's hand.--Fain would she have inquired, what she yet so much
dreaded to know; but her tongue refused its office. 'I see no cause for
that,' returned Lady Pelham; 'Hargrave could not possibly refuse to
fight after such an affair.' 'Oh certainly not!' replied the lady; 'but
Lord Lincourt thinks, that in such a case, Hargrave ought to have
insisted upon giving Lord Bellamer the first fire, and then have fired
his own pistol in the air.--But, bless me, what ails Miss Montreville,'
cried the visitor, looking at Laura, who, dreadfully convinced, was
stealing out of the room. 'Nothing,' answered Laura; and fainted.
Lady Pelham called loudly for help; and, while the servants were
administering it, stood by conjecturing what could be the cause of
Laura's illness; wondering whether it could have any possible connection
with Colonel Hargrave; or whether it were the effect of mere
constitutional habit.
The moment Laura shewed signs of recollection, Lady Pelham began her
interrogation. 'What has been the matter my dear? What made you ill? Did
any thing affect you? Are you subject to faintings?' Laura remained
silent, and, closing her eyes, seemed deaf to all her aunt's questions.
After a pause, Lady Pelham renewed the attack.--'Have you any concern
with Colonel Hargrave, Laura?' 'None,' answered Laura, with a smile of
ineffable bitterness; and again closing her eyes, maintained an
obstinate silence. Weary of ineffectual inquiries, Lady Pelham quitted
her, giving orders, that she should be assisted into bed, and
recommending to her to take some rest.
Vain advice! Laura could not rest! From the stupor which had overpowered
her faculties, she awoke to the full conviction, that all her earthly
prospects were for ever darkened. Just entering on life, she seemed
already forsaken of all its hopes, and all its joys. The affections
which had delighted her youth were torn from the bleeding soul; no
sacred connection remained to bless her maturity; no endearment awaited
her decline. In all her long and dreary journey to the grave, she saw no
kindly resting-place. Still Laura's hopes and wishes had never been
bounded to this narrow sphere; and when she found here no rest for the
sole of her foot, she had, in the promises of religion, an ark whither
she could turn for shelter. But how should she forget that these
promises extended not to Hargrave. How shut her ear to the dread voice
which, in threatening the adulterer and the murderer, denounced
vengeance against Hargrave! With horror unspeakable she considered his
incorrigible depravity; with agony, revolved its fearful consequences.
Yet, while the guilt was hateful in her eyes, her heart was full of love
and compassion for the offender. The feeling with which she remembered
his unfaithfulness to her had no resemblance to jealousy. 'He has been
misled,' she cried; 'vilely betrayed by a wretch, who has taken
advantage of his weakness. Oh how could she look on that form, that
countenance, and see in them only the objects of a passion, vile as the
heart that cherished it.'--Then she would repent of her want of
candour.--'I am unjust, I am cruel,' she said, 'thus to load with all
the burden of this foul offence, her who had perhaps the least share in
it.--No! He must have been the tempter; it is not in woman to be so
lost.'
But in the midst of sorrow, whose violence seemed at times almost to
confuse her reason, she never hesitated for a moment on the final
dissolution of her connection with Hargrave. She formed no resolution on
a subject where no alternative seemed to remain, but assumed, as the
foundation of all her plans of joyless duty, her eternal separation from
Hargrave; a separation final as death. By degrees she became more able
to collect her thoughts; and the close of a sleepless night found her
exercising the valuable habit of seeking in herself the cause of her
misfortunes. The issue of her self-examination was the conviction, that
she had bestowed on a frail fallible creature, a love disproportioned
to the merits of any created thing; that she had obstinately clung to
her idol after she had seen its baseness; and that now the broken reed
whereon she had leaned was taken away, that she might restore her trust
and her love where alone they were due. That time infallibly brings
comfort even to the sorest sorrows--that if we make not shipwreck of
faith and a good conscience, we save from the storms of life the
materials of peace at least--that lesser joys become valuable when we
are deprived of those of keener relish--are lessons which even
experience teaches but slowly: and Laura had them yet in a great measure
to learn. She was persuaded that she should go on mourning to the grave.
What yet remained of her path of life seemed to lie through a desert
waste, never more to be warmed with the sunshine of affection; never
more to be brightened with any ray of hope, save that which beamed from
beyond the tomb. She imagined, that lonely and desolate she should pass
through life, and joyfully hail the messenger that called her away; like
some wretch, who, cast alone on a desert rock, watches for the sail that
is to waft him to his native land.
The despair of strong minds is not listless or inactive. The more Laura
was convinced that life was lost as to all its pleasing purposes, the
more was she determined that it should be subservient to useful ends.
Earthly felicity, she was convinced, had fled for ever from her grasp;
and the only resolution she could form, was never more to pursue it;
but, in the persevering discharge of the duties which yet remained to
her, to seek a preparation for joys which earth has not to bestow. That
she might not devote to fruitless lamentation the time which was claimed
by duty, she, as soon as it was day, attempted to rise, intending to
spend the morning in acts of resignation for herself, and prayers that
pardon and repentance might be granted to him whose guilt had destroyed
her peace. But her head was so giddy, that, unable to stand, she was
obliged to return to her bed. It was long ere she was again able to quit
it. A slow fever seized her, and brought her to the brink of the grave.
Her senses, however, remained uninjured, and she had full power and
leisure to make those reflections which force themselves upon all who
are sensible of approaching dissolution. Happy were it, if all who smart
under disappointment, would anticipate the hour which will assuredly
arrive, when the burden which they impatiently bear shall appear to be
lighter than vanity! The hand which is soon to be cold, resigns without
a struggle the baubles of the world. Its cheats delude not the eye that
is for ever closing. A deathbed is that holy ground where the charms of
the enchanter are dissolved; where the forms which he had clothed with
unreal beauty, or aggravated to gigantic horror, are seen in their true
form and colouring. In its true form and colouring did Laura behold her
disappointment; when, with characteristic firmness, she had wrung from
her attendants, a confession of her danger. With amazement she looked
back on the infatuation which could waste on any concern less than
eternal, the hopes, the fears, and the wishes which she had squandered
on a passion which now seemed trivial as the vapour scattered by the
wind.
At last, aided by the rigid temperance of her former life, and her
exemplary patience in suffering, the strength of her constitution began
to triumph over her disorder. As she measured her steps back to earth
again, the concerns which had seemed to her reverting eye diminished
into nothing, again swelled into importance; but Laura could not soon
forget the time when she had seen them as they were; and this
remembrance powerfully aided her mind in its struggle to cast off its
now disgraceful shackles. Yet bitter was the struggle; for what is so
painful as to tear at once from the breast what has twined itself with
every fibre, linked itself with every hope, stimulated every desire, and
long furnished objects of intense, of unceasing interest. The heart
which death leaves desolate, slowly and gently resigns the affection to
which it has fondly clung. It is permitted to seek indulgence in
virtuous sorrow, to rejoice in religious hope; and even memory brings
pleasure dear to the widowed mind. But she who mourned the depravity of
her lover, felt that she was degraded by her sorrow; hope was, as far as
he was concerned, utterly extinguished; and memory presented only a
mortifying train of weaknesses and self-deceptions.
But love is not that irremediable calamity which romance has delighted
to paint, and the vulgar to believe it. Time, vanity, absence, or any of
a hundred other easy remedies, serves to cure the disease in the mild
form in which it affects feeble minds, while more Herculean spirits tear
off the poisoned garment, though it be with mortal anguish. In a few
weeks, the passion which had so long disturbed the peace of Laura was
hushed to lasting repose; but it was the repose of the land where the
whirlwind has passed; dreary and desolate. Her spirits had received a
shock from which it was long, very long, ere she could rouse them. And
he who had ceased to be an object of passion, still excited an interest
which no other human being could awaken. Many a wish did she breathe
for his happiness; many a fervent prayer for his reformation. In spite
of herself, she lamented the extinguished love, as well as the lost
lover; and never remembered, without a heavy sigh, that the season of
enthusiastic attachment was, with her, passed never to return.
But she cordially wished that she might never again behold the cause of
so much anguish and humiliation. She longed to be distant from all
chance of such a meeting, and was anxious to recover strength sufficient
for her journey to Walbourne. Lady Pelham only waited for her niece's
recovery; and, as soon as she could bear the motion of a carriage, they
left London.