CLASPED HANDS.
Their singing went on.
They used to meet once a week and sing in the church at the organ.
Despard always went up to the Grange and accompanied her to the church.
Yet he scarcely ever went at any other time. A stronger connection and
a deeper familiarity arose between them, which yet was accompanied by a
profound reverence on Despard’s part, that never diminished, but as the
familiarity increased only grew more tender and more devoted.
There were many things about their music which he had to say to her. It
constituted a common bond between them on which they could talk, and to
which they could always revert. It formed a medium for the communion of
soul--a lofty, spiritual intercourse, where they seemed to blend, even
as their voices blended, in a purer realm, free from the trouble of
earth.
Amidst it all Despard had so much to tell her about the nature of the
Eastern music that he wrote out a long letter, which he gave her they
parted after an unusually lengthy practice. Part of it was on the
subject of music, and the rest of a different character.
The next time that they met she gave him a note in response.
“DEAR MR. DESPARD--Why am I not a seraph endowed with musical powers
beyond mortal reach? You tell me many things, and never seem to
imagine that they are all beyond me. You never seem to think that I am
hopelessly commonplace. You are kind in doing what you do, but where is
the good where one is so stupid as I am?
“I suppose you have given up visiting the Grange forever. I don’t call
your coming to take me to the church _visits_. I suppose I may as well
give you up. It is as difficult to get you here as if you were the Grand
Lama of Thibet.
“Amidst all my stupidities I have two or three ideas which may be useful
in our music, if I can only put them in practice. Bear with me, and deal
gently with
“Yours, despondingly,
“T. T.”
To this Despard replied in a note which he gave her at their next
meeting, calling her “Dear Seraph,” and signing himself “Grand Lama.”
After this they always called each other by these names. Grand Lama was
an odd name, but it became the sweetest of sounds to Despard since
it was uttered by her lips--the sweetest, the most musical, and the
tenderest. As to himself he knew not what to call this dear companion of
his youth, but the name Seraph came into use, and grew to be associated
with her, until at last he never called her any thing else.
Yet after this he used to go to the Grange more frequently. He could
not stay away. His steps wandered there irresistibly. An uncontrollable
impulse forced him there. She was always alone awaiting him, generally
with a sweet confusion of face and a tenderness of greeting which made
him feel ready to fall on his knees before her. How else could he feel?
Was she not always in his thoughts? Were not all his sleeping hours one
long dream of her? Were not all his waiting thoughts filled with her
radiant presence?
“How is it under our control
To love or not to love?”
Did he know what it was that he felt for her? He never thought. Enough
that he felt. And that feeling was one long agony of intense longing and
yearning after her. Had not all his life been filled by that one bright
image?
Youth gave it to him. After-years could not efface it. The impress of
her face was upon his heart. Her voice was always in his ears. Every
word that she had ever spoken to him was treasured up in his memory and
heart with an avarice of love which prevented any one word from even
being forgotten.
At church and at home, during service and out of it, in the street or
in the study, he saw only one face, and heard only one voice. Amidst the
bustle of committee meetings he was conscious of her image--a sweet face
smiling on him, a tender voice saying “Lama.” Was there ever so musical
and so dear a word as “Lama?” For him, never.
The hunger of his longing grew stronger every day. That strong, proud,
self-secluded nature of his was most intense in all its feelings, and
dwelt with concentrated passion upon this one object of its idolatry. He
had never had any other object but this one.
A happy boyhood passed in the society of this sweet playmate, then a
young girl of his own age; a happy boyhood here in Holby, where they had
always been inseparable, wandering hand in hand along the shore or over
the hills; a happy boyhood where she was the one and only companion
whom he knew or cared for--this was the sole legacy of his early life.
Leaving Holby he had left her, but had never forgotten her. He had
carried with him the tender memory of this bright being, and cherished
his undying fondness, not knowing what that fondness meant. He had
returned to find her married, and severed from him forever, at least in
this life. When he found that he had lost her he began to understand
how dear she was. All life stood before him aimless, pointless, and
meaningless without her. He came back, but the old intercourse could not
be renewed; she could not be his, and he could only live, and love, and
endure. Perhaps it would have been wiser if he had at once left Holby
and sought out some other abode. But the discovery of his love was
gradual; it came through suffering and anguish; and when he knew that
his love was so intense it was then impossible to leave. To be near her,
to breathe the same air, to see her face occasionally, to nurse his old
memories, to hoard up new remembrances of her words and looks--these
now became the chief occupation of his hours of solitude, and the only
happiness left him in his life.
One day he went up with a stronger sense of desolation in his heart than
usual, going up to see her in order to get consolation from the sight of
her face and the sound of her voice. Their former levity had given place
to a seriousness of manner which was very different. A deep, intense joy
shone in the eyes of each at meeting, but that quick repartee and light
badinage which they had used of old had been dropped.
Music was the one thing of which they could speak without fear. Despard
could talk of his Byzantine poets, and the chants of the Eastern Church,
without being in danger of reawakening painful memories. The piano stood
close by, and always afforded a convenient mode of distracting attention
when it became too absorbed in one another.
For Mrs. Thornton did not repel him; she did not resent his longing; she
did not seem forgetful of what he so well remembered. How was it with
her who had given her hand to another?
“What she felt the while
Dare he think?”
Yet there were times when he thought it possible that she might feel as
he did. The thought brought joy, but it also brought fear. For, if the
struggle against this feeling needed all the strength of his nature,
what must it cost her? If she had such a struggle as he, how could she
endure it? Then, as he considered this, he thought to himself that he
would rather she would not love him than love him at such a cost. He was
willing to sacrifice his own heart. He wished only to adore her, and was
content that she should receive, and permit, and accept his adoration,
herself unmoved--a passionless divinity.
In their intercourse it was strange how frequently there were long
pauses of perfect silence, during which neither spoke a word. Sometimes
each sat looking at the floor; sometimes they looked at one another, as
though they could read each other’s thoughts, and by the mere gaze of
their earnest eyes could hold ample spiritual communion.
On one such occasion they stood by the window looking out upon the lawn,
but seeing nothing in that abstracted gaze. Despard stood facing her,
close to her. Her hand was hanging by her side. He stooped and took that
little slender hand in his. As he did so he trembled from head to foot.
As he did so a faint flush passed over her face. Her head fell forward.
Despard held her hand and she did not withdraw it. Despard drew her
slightly toward him. She looked up into his face with large, eloquent
eyes, sad beyond all description, yet speaking things which thrilled his
soul. He looked down upon her with eyes that told her all that was in
his heart. She turned her head away.
Despard clung to her hand as though that hand were his life, his hope,
his joy--as though that alone could save him from some abyss of despair
into which he was falling. His lips moved. In vain. No audible sound
broke that intense stillness in which the beating and throbbing of those
two forlorn hearts could be heard. His lips moved, but all sound died
away upon them.
At last a stronger effort broke the silence.
“Teresa!”
It was a strange tone, a tone of longing unutterable, a tone like that
which a dying man might use in calling before him one most dear. And all
the pent-up feeling of years rushed forth in concentrated energy, and
was borne to her ears in the sound of that one word. She looked up with
the same glance as before.
“Little playmate,” said he, in a tone of infinite sweetness, “have you
ever forgotten the old days? Do you remember when you and I last stood
hand in hand?”
His voice sounded like the utterance of tears, as though, if he could
have wept, he would then have wept as no man wept before, but his eyes
were dry through his manhood, and all that tears can express were shown
forth in his tone.
As he began to speak her head fell again. As he ended she looked up as
before. Her lips moved. She whispered but one word:
“Courtenay!”
She burst into a flood of tears and sank into a chair. And Despard
stood, not daring even to soothe her, for fear lest in that vehement
convulsion of his soul all his self-command should give way utterly.
At length Mrs. Thornton rose. “Lama,” said she, at last, in a low, sad
voice, “let us go to the piano.”
“Will you sing the _Ave Maria_” he asked, mournfully.
“I dare not,” said she, hastily. “No, anything but that. I will sing
Rossini’s _Cujus Animam_.”
Then followed those words which tell in lofty strains of a broken heart:
Cujus animam gementem
Contristatam et flebentem
Pertransivit gladius!