were, though! Why I've been simply pumping lead into you for the last
ten minutes!"
_Captain of Opposing Force:_ "That's all very fine, but it all depends
on the range you were firing at."
_Slim Subaltern:_ "Don't you worry about that, cocky; I had one section
sightin' at eight hundred, another at nine, 'nother at one thou, an'
t'other at 'leven hundred!"]
[Illustration: Field-Day Tragedies.
"Ullo, Dicky! Where's your Company? Lost?"
"No, not lost, but gone before!"]
[Illustration]
No. 3.
2nd Lieut. FITZGERALD LAWLESS.
_Saturday._--Utter rot limiting a fellow's baggage; I've simply chucked
it. If there was any need, I could live in one shirt just as well as the
next man, but I expect the Sergeant Major will think it his duty to
point out that two kit bags, a hold-all, plus the regulation tin box, is
almost up to field officer form, but I can't do it with less. I'm sure
the amount of stuff the sergeants' mess take with 'em is simply
appalling.
Trust our mess president will provide for our carnal appetites by the
way, but shall take the precaution of laying in a small stock on my own.
Had huge jest with young Simpkins in the train. Rotted him about his new
Sam Browne equipment; told him it wasn't on right, so we had it off him,
and regularly trussed him up in it; he got awfully wrathy, so we sat him
in a corner while Jackson read "Hints for Young Officers" to him.
Found my tent pitched close to the Colonel's; rather a good egg, as they
won't be able to try any larks on this time. That young ass Blenkinsop,
who was baggage officer, has lost one of my kit bags, and pretty well
smashed up the other things. Had the cheek to say it was lucky the only
really efficient Sub. in the Battalion in charge, or the baggage would
never have got here. Gathered from the tone of his remarks that he'd had
a pretty healthy time of it.
* * * * *
_Sunday._--Seems quite good to hear the bugles going once more. Church
parade. Infernal nuisance having to wear busbies--always feel like a
bally Hungarian bandsman. As usual, forgot about the collection, so had
to apply to Watney, who, being a parson's son, is up to these moves;
result--put in half-a-crown. Fancy Watney regards it as a little private
field day, as he invariably has half-crowns and nothing else. Told me
afterwards he'd lent five.
Spent most of this afternoon trying to instil some measure of tidiness
into my servant.
* * * * *
_Monday._--On duty. Inspected the grub first thing. Awfully good chap
our Quartermaster; tried to show me how to spot bully beef. 'Pon my soul
I think the real work of a Battalion is done off the scenes, as it were.
How the deuce they manage to feed nine hundred beggars without a regular
fuss, beats me.
No complaints about the breakfast. My own a bit off, as I was late.
Preliminary training and drills. Been trying to hammer a little
knowledge into our N.C.O.'s. The non-commissioned man may be the
backbone of the army, but I'll be hanged if he is of the Volunteers.
Went round lines at dinner. Two or three complaints; either too much fat
or too little gravy. Got rather good wheeze for these occasions; nearly
always come from an untidy lot, so invariably say I never take
complaints from a dirty tent; makes 'em very sick. Turned out the
guards; good thing in principle, generally a bally farce in practice.
* * * * *
_Tuesday._--Had to dig young Brown out of his tent about 2 A.M.; his man
hadn't slacked off the tent ropes, and as there was rather a heavy dew,
the whole show collapsed. Fancy B. thought the camp had been rushed, as
we discovered him clutching his sword. His lamp had been knocked over,
and he was soaked in paraffin, and smelt vilely. Rotted B. about it all
day.
Fooled about in rear of my half company most of the time, as the Captain
was enjoying himself bossing everything; he might just as well have
given me a separate job to do. Got rather hauled over the coals for not
seeing that the men laid out their bedding properly. Asked the Sergeant
Major what the regulation way was. Wish he wouldn't _always_ preface his
information with "I should have thought, Sir, that that was one of the
_first_ things an officer should know."
Rather a lark after mess; got young B. down and christened him "Violet
de Parme," while Jackson played "Taint all lavender." Suspected B. of
harbouring thoughts of revenge, so collared a syphon of soda, and after
putting out my light crawled outside and waited for him. Just as he
started letting the tent down, sallied forth and let fly the soda at
him. Stirred up the Colonel, so had to lie awfully doggo.
* * * * *
_Wednesday._--Colonel rather grumpy about being disturbed. Did a futile
Brigade attack to-day. Got told off as escort to some machine guns.
Asked the Johnnie in command of 'em what he was going to do. Said he
didn't know, but thought they wanted him to keep out of the way, and
interrupt the attack as little as possible. M.G.'s usually looked on as
a nuisance, I fancy. I suggested it would be rather sporting if we
worked out well to a flank, and then imagined ourselves ambushed, and
bolted back on the main body; give 'em awfully great opportunity of
showing what they could do in an emergency, but he wouldn't rise to it.
Simply a lovely chance lost of rotting up the show. Think I shall put in
for the gun section next year.
[Illustration: The Gun Team.]
Went over to the Wildshires in the evening. Awfully sporting lot. Found
'em having chariot races in armchairs with obstacles. Being a guest, was
asked to be passenger; nothing broken but the chair. Musical lot, too.
Have great formula when they want a song from anyone, "Will you come to
the piano, or will you be fetched?" They generally come. Rather late
before I got back. Never knew a camp with so many confounded tent ropes.
* * * * *
_Thursday._--Annual inspection. Filthy day. Inspected every ten minutes,
with slight interval for showers. Was hurried off to a piquet. Rushed
out patrols and sentries somewhere. Got told to alter 'em. If you wanted
to know anything you were told to ask some one else. Always the same
game. Hardly a soul knows what they're supposed to be doing. You're not
certain yourself, and if you are, you haven't time to tell your men. So
everyone produces little red books, and studies "What to do and How to
do it," by "One who thinks he knows." No wonder the regulars jibe at us;
it's astonishing we're as good as we are. Everybody a bit off to-day.
* * * * *
_Friday._--Paraded half an hour earlier, as we had about seven miles to
march to the rendezvous. Tried to stop my fellows from emptying their
water-bottles at the first halt. It would do 'em good if the water-cart
got lost for once, and they had to make the contents of their bottles
last them the day.
Find we're to act as rearguard to something. Got told off to occupy a
bit of a wood right away on the flank. Thank goodness they haven't told
me what to do or how long to hold on, or anything, so I shall get out of
touch as soon as I can and play off my own bat. Rather good little wood.
Men awfully keen on the job. Soon after we occupied position, spotted
party of the enemy coming through gap in the hills. Couldn't see them
very well on account of the haze, so waited till they got fairly near,
and then gave 'em a volley. They sent an orderly over to know what the
deuce I meant by firing on the ambulance. Felt rather an ass, but found
out afterwards every party they had passed had paid them the same
compliment. Soon after scout came in with news of enemy. I wanted to
ambush 'em, but some silly fool fired without orders, so it became a
regular attack. Put three companies out of action before we retired, but
cut it rather too fine, and a few of my chaps got collared. Found the
rest of the rearguard had cleared before. Some of 'em mistook us for the
bally foe, and blazed into us like old boots. Rotted 'em no end when we
got up to them. Everything got in the most awful muddle after a bit; no
one knew who was which. After the "Cease fire" sounded came across a lot
of chaps firing like mad at anybody who came near. Told 'em the "Cease
fire" had gone. "'Cease fire' be damned!" said one of them. "We ain't
had a look in till now!"
Rather rough time getting back to camp. Thought at one time half my lot
were going to fall out, so went for 'em like anything. Called 'em a
"bally lot of school-girls out for a Sunday-school treat," which upset
them somewhat, so they bucked up and not one caved in, although we were
all pretty well "baked."
Awfully festive night. The Wildshires had a camp fire, nearly all the
Brigade turned out. Any amount of choruses. Had fearful "rag"
afterwards. Scotson got hold of a wheelbarrow, formed a machine-gun
detachment, and rushed the Southshires' lines. Awfully "pi" lot, and got
very sick. Whenever they started to object charged 'em with the "Maxim,"
and drove 'em to earth. When I got back found my tent struck and a note
on it begging me not to disturb the Colonel when pitching it. Got out my
blankets, rolled up in them, and slept outside.
* * * * *
_Saturday._--Find I'm stuck in charge of the baggage. Must see if I can
manage it without the usual row. Rather nice fellow is the A.S.C. in
charge of transport. Told him we'd got it all ready, and he needn't
worry. Shall just have time for my fellows to get breakfast and then
slip into it. Everything seems all serene, so I'll get a bite myself.
Oh, my Aunt Maria! I wish if they give a fellow a job to do they'd leave
him to do it. Found everybody pitching the stuff up into the wagons
anyhow. How ever it got sorted out, goodness knows. Had rather a row
with the A.S.C. chap; told him he was muddling everything up. Seemed to
think a Volunteer can't possibly know anything, but considering half my
men come from the railway, I'll back them against all comers for loading
a truck. Started at last, about half an hour late. More trouble at the
station; only two trucks there instead of the five indented for. My
stock of ornamental profanity barely sufficient for the occasion.
Finally managed somehow. Loaded up passenger coaches, horse boxes,
anything; but men awfully sulky. Thought they were going to curse the
Major when he wanted to know why everything wasn't done. Got rotted by
young Blenkinsop for mucking the show up. Major awfully good chap on
these occasions; told me it's absolutely unavoidable when we have to
manage to get a day's work done in about three hours. Told ripping good
jest against himself when _he_ was on baggage duty years ago. Must try
it again next year to see if I can do it differently. Only one or two
things gone wrong after all, by some miracle.
Home again. Feel rather tired. Jolly good camp, though. Hope next year's
will be as good.
[Illustration: Off Duty.]
[Illustration: Philosophies.
"Chargin'," said the Junior Subaltern, "is all bally rot; and when we
carried a beastly sword it was positively dangerous. You blew your
whistle, bolted out in front of your men, howled 'Char-r-r-ge!' shoved
your foot in a hole, or got the scabbard between your legs an' came a
regular mucker, and then some idiot behind either jumped on you or
tripped over you, an' most likely prodded you with his bally bayonet."]
[Illustration: M.G.
_Extract from Diary._--"We got our Maxim into a capital position on the
flank, but before we could fire a shot we were put out of action for
some time."]
[Illustration: More Army Reforms.
_Our only Sub.:_ "Awful tommy rot big Battalions, don't you know; ever
so much jollier with just the mess an' the band."]
[Illustration: On Guard.
_Officer of the day_ (_who believes in making sure that every man knows
his work_): "Ah? What are you?" (_No answer._)
"Er! What are your orders?" (_No answer._)
"What the dooce are you doing here?"
_Recruit_ (_on sentry go for the first time_): "Please, zur, I bz
waitin' for they to tell I to come to tay!"]
[Illustration: A Misunderstanding.
_Colonel_ (_to recruit who has forgotten to salute him_): "What Company
do you belong to?"
_Recruit_ (_mindful of his civil occupation_): "Th--Th--The Gas Company,
please, Sir!"]
[Illustration]
No. 4.
Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS.
_Saturday._--'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting; 'e
wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were wages. Told
'im I would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows when we gets
back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if I 'eard of any goings on
with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted to right enough, I'd
spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be walkin' 'er out instead
o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that Bill's a very sensible
chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect bloomin' idjet at drill,
always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made me a bit late for parade,
but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a wonder. Usually 'is temper's
awful if things don't go as he likes. He cocked 'is bloomin' eye-glass
at me, tho', in a way as made me think 'e was going to start cussin'.
Twasn't bad with all the village looking on, an' we marched off in
style.
Got told off to the baggage guard at the station. Blessed if I don't
think it was for being late for p'rade. Warn't sorry when the train
started, as one of the chaps 'ad got hold of four bottles of beer as was
all right. Just before the train stops our Serjint, 'e ses, "Look after
our own company's baggage, an' never mind what anybody ses." But we
'adn't more than about started when a off'cer on a horse comes along an'
wants to know who's in charge an' where is 'e. I tells 'im, an' then he
ses we can't be all day over the job, an' we're to put all this lot into
that truck. We ses we was told to put it in t'other. "Put it where _I_
tell you," 'e ses. Bimeby along comes our off'cer, an' just takes one
look at us, an' then started fairly in. As our Corp'ril said afterwards,
it were a treat. I'd 'ave given the price of a pint to 'ave been able to
sit still an' listen to 'im, an' yet to look at 'im in the ordinary way
you'd think he couldn't get further than "Dash it all!" Then up comes
the off'cer on the 'orse. "Are you in charge of this guard?" ses 'e.
"Yes," ses our off'cer. "Well, you'll never get away at this rate, an'
there's three more Battalions to detrain after you, an' I must 'ave
those trucks back from the camp by six o'clock." "Very good; they will
be here," ses our man. "Not at this rate," ses t'other. "My dear
fellow," ses our off'cer, "my men aint regulars, but they can manage it
all right in their own way if you'll leave 'em alone; but you're simply
muddlin' us up now." "Can't help that," ses t'other. "I'm only
responsible for the trucks, and they must be got away at once." "I'm
responsible for the baggage," ses our man. "Either leave the job to me
or take the whole thing over." "Oh, do as you like. I don't care a
damn," ses the one on the 'orse. "No more do I," ses our off'cer. So we
gets it together somehow an' marches off, the bloomin' traction-engine
a-goin' about five miles an 'our an' we tryin' to keep up, all of us
cussin' at everything. Don't catch me on a baggage guard again in a
'urry.
* * * * *
_Sunday._--Bit tired to-day. Couldn't get much sleep las' night; some of
the chaps 'adn't been to camp afore, an' wouldn't shake down quiet. Kep'
growlin' at everything. Off'cer comes round wantin' to know what the
noise were about. I tells 'im as George Hitchins 'udn't shut up, an' let
us get to sleep. "'It 'im on the 'ed with a boot," ses the off'cer, an'
I 'ad a bloomin' good mind to. Church p'rade in the mornin'. Never 'eard
a blessed word till we got to the hymns. Dinner pretty right, but could
'ave done with more of it. Beer at the canteen not 'arf as good as we
gets at the old "King's Arms." Went out with some of our chaps in the
afternoon an' 'ad a sleep in a wood. Not 'arf a bad day. If t'were goin'
to be all same as this, I wouldn't mind.
* * * * *
_Monday._--Jack Houghton, as was Tent Orderly to-day, goes an' trips
over one of the tent ropes when he were bringing the coffee, an' spilt
most of it. Tried to get some more, but couldn't, so docked 'im of 'is
share; even then we was precious short. Section drill all the morning.
Never saw the off'cers so savage--nothing would please them; they're
fairly easy all the year, but they makes up for it in camp. Not but what
some of the chaps want it--lots of 'em goes on enough to break a
feller's 'eart, an' then we all gets the blame.
That there Houghton got hold of the wrong kettle at dinner an' come back
with No. 5's grub, which, as they're only seven in their tent to our
eight, warn't good enough. Complained to the off'cer as come round. 'E
said if we couldn't look after ourselves better than that, we must take
the consequences. That's all very fine, but it don't feed us. Made
Houghton stand 'arf a gallon to the tent. 'E ses camp's a bloomin'
swindle. If there's one thing I 'ates it is cleaning up the camp; the
other companies chucks their rubbish into our lines, but t'aint no use
to say so, you only gets shut up.
[Illustration: On the Range.]
Got jawed at for a bit o' dirt in my rifle as you couldn't see. "Clean
it again," ses our Leftenant. "I've cleaned the thing forty times," I
ses. "Forty-one's your lucky number," 'e ses; "try again." Went for a
stroll in the evenin', but these 'ere camps is too far away from
anything to please me.
* * * * *
_Tuesday._--My day as Tent Orderly. I never see such a lot of chaps to
grumble as our tent. Fust of all the bread warn't right, then I 'adn't
got enough coffee, an' the bacon was done too much--why 'adn't I kicked
up a row? "Look 'ere," I ses, "you bloomin' well take wot you gets, an'
if you aint satisfied you complain to the off'cer of the day; _'e_ won't
stand much of yer lip. I know my work," I ses, "an' I done it."
Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to
want. "There," I ses to our company cook, "'ow's that?" "Why, you've bin
an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. "An' then yer tent will be
hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. _I_ know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure enough
they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. I shall
be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 'Ad
narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to spare
when you're Orderly.
Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying all
sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairly sick of
it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best company
'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't mind being
shoved about.
* * * * *
_Wednesday._--We was practised in advanced guard the first thing this
morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm blowed if
yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed up. Afore we
starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed to do; _'e_
may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest if any of us
did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant to be doin',
an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a patrol to
examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of sight one of 'em
starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the back wi' the
butt just to remind 'im as I was in command. The Major come along jist
then an' asks me what we was? I tells 'im as we were a patrol, an' 'e
tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to report to the Captain.
After breakfast we was out again doin' outposts. Wish they wouldn't 'ave
so much make believe about it. Supposin' now they puts yer in a group as
sentries. "The henemy," they ses, "is somewhere over there, an' you've
to watch that bit o' country in front of you; the countersign's
'Bunkum,' an' you've to keep under cover." Well, there aint no henemy,
an' nothin' aint goin' to 'appen, an' yer wouldn't know wot to do if it
did, so you just lies down an' smokes till the "assembly" goes, an' then
you comes back. It may teach officers something, but it don't teach us
much.
As we was out for the day only 'ad a sort o' bread an' water picnic
instead of dinner, which we 'as when we gets back to camp. We was put
through what they calls an attack drill after, but I didn't think much
of it; started off with about twenty yards between you an' the next man,
an' then as we advanced, they comes crowdin' up from be'ind till the
firin' line were like a bloomin' football scrimmage, with about four
different Battalions all atop o' one another, an' loosin' off right an'
left whether they was in front or be'ind. "'Ere," I ses to Ted
Parminter, "this aint no place for us, it's too bloomin' dangerous. I'm
going to be a casualty." An' we drops be'ind. "Wot bally rot!" I 'eard
one off'cer say, an' I quite agreed with 'im.
* * * * *
_Thursday._--Everyone 'ad to clean the bloomin' camp twice over to-day,
as we was to be inspected. I niver seen such a place for getting dirty;
you brushes yerself down an' blacks yer boots an' polishes up yer rifle,
an' in ten minutes you are that covered in dust as you look as if you
'adn't washed for a week.
Got sent out with a patrol again. Saw a General ridin' along our way, so
we got be'ind an 'edge till 'e'd gone by. Just after we got back to the
picket another General comes along an' asks all sorts of questions, an'
didn't seem to think much of the answers 'e got. We was all 'oping it
were over for the day, when along comes a whole lot o' Generals all
together, and one of 'em calls out to us to fall in. We gets up an'
begins dusting ourselves down a bit, when 'e yells at us for not being
in our places at once, an' goes for us 'ot an' strong; then 'e starts
asking questions as made me shiver. All of a sudden 'e ses: "Who was in
charge of the last patrol as went out?" The Captain calls me up, and the
General ses, "Where did you go?" I tells 'im I went as far as the wood.
"See anything of the enemy?" 'e ses. "There weren't none there," I ses.
"How do you know?" ses 'e; "you ar'n't allowed to enter the woods about
here." "Well, Sir," I ses, "we didn't go in, but there's only two places
where anybody could get in without doing damage, and there weren't no
footmarks there." "What forage can I get down there?" 'e ses. "There's
about three ton o' bad 'ay, Sir, at one of the cottages, but it aint
worth 'aulin'," I ses, an' 'e tells me to fall back in the ranks, which
I was precious glad to do. Our Captain said, when they was gone, as 'ow
I'd answered very well, an' 'ow I ought to go for a stripe. I said as I
should like to.
Paraded in the afternoon for the reg'lar inspection; was kept out in the
burnin' sun standing still for about two hours while another General
walked round an' looked at our buttons an' boots, an' found fault with
every blessed thing. They seems to think yer kit is made to look at, not
to use. As I ses to Ted in the canteen after, "We comes to camp for
trainin', an' this 'ere's nothing but wastin' time, as could be done at
'ome anywhere."
* * * * *
_Friday._--Revelly 'arf 'our earlier this morning, as we 'ad a longish
march to do. Precious 'ot it were, too, an' we were main glad to get a
rest before beginning operations. Don't know what we was supposed to be
doin', but we got posted on the side of an 'ill where we could 'ave seen
everything as was goin' on, but d'rectly you gets up to 'ave a look some
one starts bellerin', "Lie down there!" till we all got the bloomin'
'ump. After a bit they takes us back the way we come and we lay down
again, then they advances us up the 'ill again; then they shifts us
about all over the shop, backerds an' forrards, till we didn't know
where we was. At last a off'cer comes galloping over to our Colonel and
they seemed to be 'avin' a few words, and we advances an' 'alts,
advances an' 'alts, for about a hour an' a 'arf, an' then just as we was
getting up to the firing line an' thinkin' this was a bit of all right
at last, the bugles go, "Cease fire." "Taint fair," ses Dick Jennings;
"let's shoot the bloomin' humpire." Getting back to camp were a bit
thick, 'ow we did it without fallin' out I don't know. No one who aint
done it theirselves knows wot marchin' ten mile in fours on a road two
inches deep in dust is like; yer rifle weighs about a ton, an' yer
water's gone at the first 'alt. The bloomin' band as ought to 'ave met
us an' played us 'ome, went an' lost itself, an' never showed up till we
was almost back to camp. Colonel 'e's give out as every man is to 'ave a
hextra pint issued to 'im. I 'ad three more on my own; 'ad a bit of a
sing-song in the evenin', but we was too tired to do much.
* * * * *