Now as it was totally impossible Rosa could dress at the Rectory
without detection, the village not affording a supply of carriages
to accommodate one quarter part, it was agreed Lady Lustre should be
informed of the scheme, and fetch her privately in her carriage from
the Rectory to our house, from whence she would be escorted by my uncle.
At nine o’clock therefore on the following evening Rosa alighted from
the carriage of Lady Lustre, the most perfect “Mouline’s Maria”
possible; for Yorick might have mistaken the original and admitted the
polygraph. Her luxuriant ringlets were confined by a green silk net,
and braided with a wreath of olive, a flageolet was depended across her
shoulder by a pale green ribbon, over a white jacket, and the symmetry
of her elegant shape was displayed by another fastened round her waist,
at the end of which, a little spaniel, she had procured of a cottager,
was made prisoner, and completed the costume; my uncle, though not so
tall or thin as Yorick, looked the respectable representative of that
celebrated character, and Rosa was so completely at home in recital and
circumstance, as actually to have placed Sterne’s handkerchief in her
bosom, wrapped and tied in the vine leaves, “But with which I shall not
part till I find the owner you may depend,” said she smiling, “for
not knowing how I may be attacked I was determined to be armed at all
points.”
I had not yet equipped myself and therefore left her tete-à-tete with
my uncle, whilst the house-keeper slipped on my ragged black petticoat,
old brown stuff gown, and a shabby red cloak, well patched, which, with
a tattered blue pocket handkerchief, tied over the mutilated rim of
a dirty straw hat, completed my metamorphose, at which Rosa actually
started as I entered the room.
“What an Apollo Belvidere,” said she laughing.
“Rather what an _Achilles_,” replied I, placing myself before the
looking glass, by which means I discovered I was incompleat, my arms
being naked; I therefore begged Alice to supply me with the legs of a
pair of black worsted stockings, which made me a pair of gypsey mitts,
and after presenting a few bob curtseys, we jumped into a post chaise,
we had previously ordered, and off we set.
The distance was about a mile, which brought us to the romantic cottage
of Mrs. Fungus (who seated in the drawing room beside her little
daughter Miss Minerva, mama’s darling image), was receiving the company
as they entered, who respectively paid their birth-day compliments to
the fairy queen of the gala, who was enquiring of her Lady mother who
every body was, and receiving the constant negative “I don’t know.”
The room was decorated most fantastically with artificial flowers,
coloured lamps, and a chalked floor, which the scientific skill of
Mama and Miss Minerva had scrawled over in non-descript emblems of
nothing.
The lawn at the back of the cottage was appropriated for dancing, the
music was placed in the shrubbery, and a platform erected for the
“fantastic toe” was shaded by a famous Chinese awning, lined with
rose-colour calico, and decorated with bunches of palm and laurel,
intermixed with a numerous blaze of lamps, many of which encircled the
trees in a stile of magic brilliance, such as Mrs. Fungus had read of
in her favourite novels, and from which she had copied the present
display.
A numerous assemblage was crowding in, which compelled as many to
throng out, for better accommodation on the lawn, but willing to remain
as long as possible in the receiving room, to reconnoitre my game, we
took our seats near the throne of audience, where a general buz was in
circulation to discover who Rosa could possibly be.
We had not stood long (for to sit was impossible), when in sailed
Mrs. Deposit as a sultana, loaded with all the jewels her apprentice
could spare from the fangs of _redemption_, and one of the richest
dresses the _repository_ could furnish, that had not yet come under the
_hammer_. Most unmercifully did she quiz, through an enormous glass set
with brilliants, the form of our Mouline’s Maria.
“I can’t trace who she can be for the soul of me,” cried she, lolling
on the arm of Major Pea-Chick, who, audaciously snatching the
handkerchief from her bosom, told her if she would give it him he’d
_throw_ her a better in exchange.
“That’s impossible,” said Rosa, angrily snatching it from his rude
grasp, “for it’s consecrated with the tear of sensibility, and as it
belongs to a wise man I shall never part with it to a fool.”
“’Pon honour, that’s a dashy little mad speech,” resumed the Major;
then turning on his heel “the girl don’t want wit, we’ll teaze her
again bye and bye,” and off he strutted with his sultana.
Mr. Undermine, in his mole-skin dress, next approached to pay his
respects, followed by his Patagonian goose, who, after making a
reverential bend of his long neck, set up three loud _quacks_, much to
the diversion of the company.
“If that young goose has not _learnt_ how to hiss yet, send him to me
for a few lessons,” said a city alderman, who was regaling himself with
a large _cheesecake_, which he carried in his hand, a bite of which he
offered a _flower_ girl for old acquaintance-sake.
The devil upon two sticks now attacked the virgin of the sun, declaring
he remembered the time when _he_ was her greatest favourite, which so
perplexed her _purity_ that she dashed out of the room without giving
him an answer.
Farmer Strut with his _two faces_ was very busy looking about for his
_old friends_, but nobody knew him from having _turned his coat_, he
had therefore nothing to amuse and comfort him but a feast upon his
_nails_, which he trimmed unmercifully.
“Sweep! sweep! sweep!” bawled Mr. Windfall in the ear of the widow
Quiz, who was wheeling a barrow of cabbages.
“Lard, don’t make such a noise, we all know you are a sweeper,”
exclaimed the cabbage woman.
“And the best trade going,” replied he; “you ought to know that, you
served three _apprenticeships_ to it, though you haven’t _sacked_ the
_soot_ out of the _last old family_ chimney yet.”
“Past twelve o’clock,” yelped Bob Tonic, tossing the cabbages over,
“you’d better _shut shop_ and _go home_ mistress.”
“What and leave such a noisy fellow as you heir to my cabbages? No! no!
I’ll make you a present of one for your little family, but the _young
caterpillars of my own_ must divide the remainder.”
“Any thing to be given away here?” asked old Tonic, in the character of
a fisherman, with a net of gudgeons.
“Yes,” answered Jerry Sneak, “a cabbage as hard hearted as yourself.”
“I suppose if it had been a _sop in the pan_ you’d have seized it,”
replied the doctor.
“Oh I’ll make him a present of one as well as his son, for the trouble
of distributing my remaining stock,” said the cabbage woman; during
which speech Mr. Prolix at her elbow exclaimed, “Don’t forget a few
leaves for me.”
“You need not tell me, lawyers can look as sharp for a cabbage as
a tailor; you’ll take care of yourself no doubt, only mind the
caterpillars don’t blight your share of the pickings,” resumed the
widow, and away she trundled.
“Any old cloaths! cloaths! cloaths!” cried Mr. Deposit, catching hold
of Mr. Undermine’s mole-skin domino, “any _common counshil_ men’s
_cowns_ to _shell_?”
“No,” replied Undermine, surlily, “don’t bother me, I never traffic
with Jews, I like open dealing.”
“Ah, but you _tont teal open_ wit you neighbours, you trick dem in
de dark; _haf_ you _cot_ any quantity of mole’s skins in you _pack
cround_, I’ll puy dem all, I vont some for a pair of _couty shoes_ for
an _owlt frint_ vot can _pay_ you vell.”
“Sirrah, begone!” exclaimed Mr. Simon, who was waddling behind his
_par_ forgetting he was a goose.
“Oh, my cot vat _you_ talk; vel I vos never! no never, hear de like;
how much you ax for your feathers? come, I make a _pargain_ wit you.”
“Hiss him! hiss him!” exclaimed Alderman Cheesecake, en passant.
“Vell! vell! I’ll go tell all my peoplish about de wonderful _coose_
vat I heard talk; I tink now you voud look very stilish wit a sage
nosegay, and a necklace of onions hung round your _neak_.”
“You deserve a d--d good thrashing for making me the sport of the
company,” replied the goose.
Hah! hah! hah! laughed the jew, most immoderately, “_You_ make de sport
not me. Shall I treat you wit a slish of hot plum-pudding? Titly Tol,
where are you, here’s de talking _coose_ in a passion for her supper,”
and off he slipped in search of the walking cupboard.
A huge bear now rushed in, who throwing his paws round Mrs. Deposit’s
neck, moosled her most violently, and caused her to utter a loud shriek
for the assistance of the watchman to take the Bear into custody before
the sitting Alderman, who jocosely replied he was not _sitting_, nor
was he in office. Bob Tonic took aim at the bear with his staff, and
the shaggy animal, in revenge, served Bob’s wife the same trick; which
in fact he practised on every female not excepting Rosa, whom it was
remarked he sniffed at and surveyed with seeming sagacity, and saluted
as politely as any bear could possibly do.
He next seized hold of Mrs. Henpeck’s cat-o-ninetails and rearing
himself on his hind legs gave her a sharp lash over the shoulders and
threw it down; he then seized Lady Dol-snip, encircling her waist with
one paw and escorting her with the other all round the room for a
promenade, to the terror of some and diversion of others; for little
Miss Minerva was so frightened that the bear should touch her, that
her mama had much trouble to convince her it was not a real animal,
and when he approached to pay his quadrupedical respects Mrs. Fungus
assured Mr. Bruin she should feel herself much obliged if he would
lay aside or exchange his dress, as it much annoyed her company, and
she was astonished any _gentleman_ should assume so unprepossessing a
character.
This rebuff in some measure restricted the liberties of the bear, who
paced off to the dancers, where he caused much confusion by chiming in
between every couple and turning every body the wrong way, and in going
hand across with the goose catched him fast by the beak and set the
whole group in a roar of laughter.
He next upset the devil-upon-two sticks; by resuming his quadrupedical
march twitched off Mrs. Coniac’s shoe, by which he discovered a large
hole in her stocking, which he took great pains to display to the
company, by gripping her foot fast in his paw and growling fiercely
over it to cause attention, much to the dismay of the lady; and poor
Tiddy Tol’s plum pudding basket was overturned with as little ceremony,
a slice from which he snatched away and walked off with it in his mouth
towards charity and her three children, to whom he dropped the piece
of pudding as his mite, much to her ladyship’s amusement, for in this
well assumed character Lady Lustre collected near ten pounds for dame
Margery’s twins.
Having now practised innumerable antics, and tormented the people
almost beyond bearing, Bruin was retiring from the busy scene to
re-dress when he accidentally popped upon Major Pea-Chick, the sultan,
to whom giving a cornish brotherly hug till the little man cried for
mercy, he hoisted him dexterously upon his back and returned with
him mounted á la Mamoset, into the drawing room, where at the feet
of the terrified Miss Minerva he shook off his burthen, by tipping
the Major heels over head; he vowed to be revenged on the _audacious
brute_, be who he would; but his ursine majesty could make no reply,
he growled ludicrously and made a precipitate retreat out of the house
into a little back cottage, where he had previously conveyed a change
of dress to avoid detection, and returned to the company e’er he was
well missed, as Captain Allclack, equipped in costume, with an immense
snuff box, the macaba of which he had plentifully impregnated with
Cayenne, this in the quickest succession he presented to every body,
enlarging with rapid volubility on its excellent properties, protesting
“It would rouse their energies, clear their understanding,” &c. &c.
the unwary of this scheme to the tune of nine out of ten, became
instant victims of credulity, and the whole room was in one incessant
sneeze, some stamping with the agony of their noses, others compelled
to unmask to wipe the involuntary tears that flowed from their eyes
and half blinded them, during which tumult Captain Allclack had found
his way into the garden and well plied the musicians, who dropping
their instruments sneezed a complete concerto, while the captain still
dexterously employed in the circulation of his “Tabac Mystique” was
execrating them as a set of _hoaxing rascals_, who did not choose to
play; by which confusion and stoppage of the music, the dance was
totally interrupted for near half an hour.
This stratagem having had the desired effect (particularly on Major
Pea-Chick, who was nearly strangled) Captain Allclack suddenly
disappeared and retiring again to his rustic toilet, equipped himself
in a long flannel dressing gown and cap, and supporting the character
of a pantaloon most ably, he kicked, boxed, hissed, danced, and hoaxed
every body the remainder of the evening.