"I must first tell you, friend Hamad," he began, for Haroun and Giafer
were known to him only by their assumed names of Hamad and Yussuf--"I
must first tell you how it came about that I was induced to personate
our sovereign lord, Haroun Alraschid, whom may Allah preserve, and from
whose ears may the story of my presumption be hidden for ever."
"I should say," said Haroun, "that he is never likely to hear of it,
unless you communicate it to him yourself."
"In that case I should be safe enough," said Sidi ibn Thalabi.
"However, to resume, what put the idea into my head in the first
instance was this. I was one day coming down to the river to spend the
day on board my boat, when I called at the shop or stall of a fruit
merchant in the bazaar to buy some fruit. I sat down in his shop while
I selected what I required and bargained as to the price. I was
surprised, in the first place, to find that instead of asking five or
six times the value of the fruit and abating his demand by degrees, as
is commonly the custom, the merchant, who treated me with extreme
deference, begged me to choose whatever fruit I pleased and pay him for
it as much as I might consider it to be worth."
"'What,' said I, 'do you leave the price to be fixed by me? Suppose I
give you but half the value of it?'
"'Sir,' answered the man, 'Allah forbid that your slave should venture
to put aside the veil in which you choose at this moment to envelop
yourself. Nevertheless, I am very sensible of the honour you have done
me in entering my shop and conversing familiarly with me, and truly the
shop and all it contains are altogether at your service.'
"'For whom do you take me, or mistake me,' said I, 'that you treat me
to so many compliments and good offers?'
"'Sir,' he replied, 'I have seen his Majesty the Caliph, whom may Allah
protect, ride by so often, both when he is going to and returning from
the Mosque, that it would be very strange if I could fail to recognize
his features, no matter what disguise he may choose to assume.
However, I will say no more, a merchant and no more than a merchant you
are if you will it so. To what place does it please you that I should
send you the fruit?'
"I denied again that I was the Commander of the Faithful, no matter how
much my features might resemble his; but perceiving that the man
retained his own opinion of my identity and received my disclaimers
only out of politeness, I thought it not worth while to argue the
question with him further, but desired him to send the fruit to me,
Sidi ibn Thalabi, on board this boat. At the same time, I must confess
that I so far yielded to the weakness of being flattered by being taken
for the Caliph in disguise that I gave the fruit merchant two dinars
for fruit which was not worth one quarter of that sum.
"On receiving the money, which he did with much humbleness and many
profound salutations, the merchant said--
"'Sidi ibn Thalabi, as so you desire to be called, I give you many
thanks for your liberality, and I pray you not to be offended with me
if I seize the present opportunity to beg a favour of you.'
"'If,' said I, 'it is in my power to do what you wish, I assure you
that, far from taking offence, I shall oblige you gladly.'
"'Your kind words,' said the merchant, 'fill me with joy, because my
request is entirely within your power to grant. I have an only son,
let him come to you and employ him in any office for which you may
judge him to be fit.'
"'On condition,' I answered, 'that you bear in mind that I am simply
Sidi ibn Thalabi and no one else, I am ready to see and employ your son
if you so desire.'
"The fruit merchant vowed that no word of either himself or his son
should betray the belief that I was any other than what I represented
myself, namely, Sidi ibn Thalabi, a retired merchant taking his ease in
his boat upon the Tigris. On this understanding the young man came to
me, and finding him to be a very agreeable and well-educated young
fellow, I have employed him in the office of my secretary.
"Being possessed of property at Bussora and other towns, I am often
absent from Bagdad, and only occasionally take my pleasure here on my
boat just as the humour seizes me. Whether misled by these absences,
or whether accepting his father's opinion without question, I know not,
but I soon discovered that, not only did my new secretary believe me to
be the Caliph, but that he had spread this rumour of me among a great
number of the river-side population. Perhaps he discovered that he
himself was in consequence held in greater esteem, Allah alone
knows--at any rate he hesitated not to spread the false report
concerning me.
"It thus came to pass that, not only was I often received in any
company in which I chanced to find myself with an amount of respect and
deference to which I was really by no means entitled, but people who
were strangers to me asked me to social gatherings and feasts under the
mistaken notion that they were thereby securing themselves personal
intercourse with the dreaded and illustrious Haroun Alraschid himself.
"As often as possible I refused these invitations, but could not avoid
now and then coming into a mixed society, where I soon perceived that
my fame had preceded me. On those occasions, should any dispute arise,
it was not uncommon for my authority to be confidently appealed to, and
my verdict to be implicitly accepted. This very naturally brought me
more than once into a position of considerable difficulty. For, on the
one hand, no disclaimer on my part would avail to convince those who
appealed to me that I was not really the Caliph; and, on the other
hand, I well knew myself to be quite powerless either to enforce my
decision or to punish those who were clearly guilty, and both deserving
and expecting to be sentenced.
"An incident that occurred only two days since will illustrate what I
have been saying. I was on my way to the river accompanied by Abraha
only, when passing through a street in the lower part of the town we
came upon a crowd of people shouting and gesticulating and making a
great hubbub. In the centre of the crowd there was one man who was
dragging another along violently and crying out constantly, 'Come
before the Cadi, you villain! come before the Cadi, you villain!' All
the others, as is usual in such cases, were crying out some one thing,
some another.
"When the crowd perceived us the hubbub was redoubled, and all we could
gather from the confused noise was that they were appealing to me to
arbitrate between them. I made a sign, therefore, that they should be
silent, and there being at a short distance from the spot where we met
the crowd a small open space with a fountain in the middle of it, I led
the way thither, and seating myself on the steps of the fountain, the
two men stood before me, and the crowd gathered round to hear what was
said and witness what would take place, the people never doubting but
that when I should have examined the case I should pronounce judgment
on the offender.
"When I asked the man who had hold of the other, and who was evidently
the complainant, to state what was the matter, he exclaimed very
vehemently--
"'This man, this rascally barber, whom your Greatness sees here before
you, has murdered my brother. He a barber! He is a plunderer! he is
an assassin! Do justice upon him, therefore, and condemn the ignorant
wretch to the punishment he so richly deserves.'
"'Not so fast, not so fast,' said I; 'tell me more calmly, and with
particulars, in what way has this barber murdered your brother?'
"'Your Greatness,' said the man, 'it was in this wise. My brother had
been working in the heat of the sun, and the sun had doubtless inflamed
his blood so that he became stupefied and unconscious. I went,
therefore, for a barber that he should come and bleed my brother, and
restore his senses to him. Now as ill-luck would have it the first
barber I lighted upon was this pestilent fellow. When I found him he
was engaged in shaving a customer, and because that customer was a good
one he would not leave him to attend to my brother, but first finished
his shaving and then came with me. Having first delayed so long, when
at last he was come he bled my brother not once but three times, and
two hours afterwards my brother died. I say, therefore, truly that he
has killed my brother, and deserves to be termed butcher rather than
barber.'
"Having listened to this complaint, I said, addressing the barber, 'You
hear what this man alleges; let me hear, therefore, what reply you can
make and how you will defend yourself from the charge which has been
brought against you.'
"The barber, who like most of his class did not lack assurance and had
words at command, was not slow to answer.
"'Sir,' said he, 'the accusation which this man brings against me, and
his assertion that I am ignorant and do not understand the duties of my
office, are both of them groundless and absurd. I have not been a
barber for fifteen years without knowing very well how to let blood as
well as how to shave; and if this man's brother is dead, it is in spite
of what I did for him, and not in consequence of it. As to what is
alleged of my delay, I deny it altogether. I did but give three or
four strokes of my razor, which was all that was needed to finish the
operation of shaving in which I was engaged when this man called for
me, and it is only his furious impatience that has magnified a few
seconds into a serious delay. As to the bleeding, I did indeed take
from him six ounces of blood; in one cup I received two ounces, in a
second cup two ounces, and in a third cup two ounces. But that
quantity was by no means too much. Moreover, that which was received
into the first cup coagulated in twelve minutes, that which was
received into the second cup in twenty-two minutes, while that which
was in the third cup was not completely coagulated in thirty-five
minutes; now what does that prove?'
"'It proves,' said the other, 'that you are, as I have told you
already, a bungler and murderer, for is not my brother dead of your
bleeding, and you deserve to lose your head?'
"'Sir,' said the barber to me, 'this man simply raves, as you will have
observed. Every baker and tailor knows more in his own conceit of
bleeding than a barber of fifteen years' experience like myself. They
are able to pass judgment as to the question of too much or too little
without hesitation and with the utmost exactness. It is a story as old
as King Ad--the more ignorant they are the more sure they be.
Presently they will discover that men should never be let blood at all,
forgetting that we bleed our horses also,[2] and find it does them
good. And, for myself, I know after fifteen years' experience how much
to take both from the healthy and from the sick.'
"'Accursed barber,' interrupted the other, fiercely, 'I believe verily
that thou canst neither bleed without killing nor shave without
cutting.'
'"As for my bleeding,' retorted the barber, in a rage, 'I have bled
many score without accident or ill-result, excepting only your brother,
who was a drunkard and as good as dead before ever I saw him; while as
for my being able to shave without cutting, I will have you to know
that there lives no creature on this earth, from an ape to the
illustrious Caliph himself, whom may Allah preserve and exalt, that I
will not shave without giving him so much as a scratch.'
"'That,' said I, willing to end the dispute between the two men, 'is a
very bold challenge on the part of the barber. The Caliph indeed can
be scarcely got to submit himself to the test, but we will get an ape,
and if this honest man shaves him, as he says he can, without
inflicting a scratch, I will adjudge him to be a very proficient barber
and an adept in each branch of his trade, both bleeding and shaving.'
"The people, who are easily led and amused, received my decision with
delight. They cried out, 'An ape! an ape!' All were desirous to see
how the creature would submit himself to the operation of being shaved.
Even the man who had lost his brother could not altogether refrain from
a grin of satisfaction at the thought of the troublesome task the
barber had before him."
Haroun Alraschid smiled and stroked his beard, saying, "Sidi ibn
Thalabi, that was a happy inspiration, and extricated you cleverly from
what threatened to become for you a rather embarrassing position."
Sidi ibn Thalabi acknowledged this compliment to his sagacity by a low
bow, and continued--
"For the people to find an ape on which the barber could exhibit his
skill was no easy matter, none knew where such an animal could be
procured. However, I was able myself to get them out of this
difficulty very speedily. A merchant of my acquaintance had I knew
many strange birds and beasts which had been brought to him at sundry
times by the various ships and caravans which conveyed his merchandize.
To him I applied, stating what I required, and was able to purchase a
little ape who appeared very suitable for our purpose.
"This little animal was really very young, as its constant and restless
activity sufficiently proved, but it had the appearance of a small aged
African, with deeply wrinkled forehead and cheeks and a sparse beard of
short white hairs. When this creature was placed in the hands of the
barber, its behaviour gave promise of affording us all the
entertainment we could desire.
"It was the duty of the barber to perform the various functions of his
office in the customary manner. He had first to wash the head and
face, and then to proceed to shave just as in the case of any one else.
For this purpose the barber produced a metal basin, which he filled
with water from the fountain; and the ape having been accommodated with
a seat on a low bench in the middle of the open space round which the
people were assembled, the barber set down the basin beside him. For a
few moments the little creature sat regarding the basin with an
expression of great gravity and wisdom, but just as the barber, having
dipped a piece of cloth in the water, was wringing it out preparatory
to commencing the operation of washing, the ape suddenly seized upon
the basin with both hands and turned it upside down, apparently with
childish curiosity to examine the other side.
"The effect of this movement was to pour all the contents of the basin
over the ape's own legs, which disconcerted him very much, and the
barber stooping down to pick up the basin which the ape had dropped,
the little creature nimbly sprang upon his shoulders, and with its wet
legs round the barber's neck he employed himself in taking off the
man's turban, which he first placed on his own head and then
immediately afterwards snatching it off again he threw it on the ground.
"At these antics the crowd of course laughed loudly, but the barber,
who was a man of much good temper and self-control, simply took the ape
off his shoulders, and having seated him again as at first, he
proceeded to pick up and replace his turban, and refill the basin.
"Putting the water this time out of reach of the ape, the barber dipped
his cloth into the basin and proceeded to wash the head and face of his
unwilling and in every sense ugly customer. But directly the ape felt
the wet cloth touch his skin he snatched it instantly from the hands of
the barber and commenced tearing it in pieces. And before the barber
could attempt to rescue even the fragments of his washing cloth the
mischievous little creature slipped quickly off the bench on which he
had been seated, and running rapidly on all fours among the crowd,
suddenly jumped upon the back of a small boy who had been hitherto
enjoying the fun and laughing very heartily at the antics of the
monkey. This last prank, however, frightened the small boy very much,
and he ran about wildly, with the ape seated on his shoulders,
screaming loudly. As the monkey held on bravely, with each hand
grasping firmly a handful of the boy's hair, the little fellow had some
excuse for making an outcry. The barber, however, very soon recaptured
his troublesome charge, and reseated him on the bench to undergo the
usual barbarous routine of washing and shaving.
"Meanwhile the crowd beside laughing had, of course, encouraged the
barber to pursue his task by many questions and exclamations, such as,
'Why don't you make haste to shave the gentleman?' 'Take care you
don't cut his precious chin!' 'Barber, is your hand steady?' and so
forth.
"In answer to all these jeers the barber only smiled and said,
'Patience, the little gentleman is somewhat scared by your noise and
ugly faces, but he will sit quietly enough presently.'
"And marvellous to behold, when the barber had replaced him again the
third time on the bench, the ape sat still, as solemn as the Cadi
himself, and allowed himself to be both washed and shaved, moving no
more than though he were dead and stuffed.
"This astonished the crowd very much and they applauded loudly, till
the man who had at first accused the barber of murdering his brother
cried out that it was sorcery, and that this accursed barber must be in
fact a foul magician, since he could not only kill good Moslims, but
shave misshapen apes. On this the fickle crowd were moved against the
barber, and would have fallen upon him and done him an injury had I not
interfered on his behalf.
"'Stop,' said I, 'I will inquire of the barber, and he shall confess to
me by what means he has caused the ape to sit still and permit himself
to be shaved. If he has employed magic he shall be dealt with
accordingly, but if not, why should he be punished on the accusation of
one who hates him and may be envious of his skill?'
"Speaking thus to the crowd I calmed them, then bringing the barber
along with us we hastened at once to the river and came on board my
barge.
"When we had safely arrived here, after giving the barber something to
eat and drink, I pressed him to tell me how he had contrived to render
the monkey suddenly so quiet and docile, a feat which had appeared as
surprising and as inexplicable to me as to the others.
"'Sir,' said the barber, 'I have during my life travelled through many
distant countries and taken part in many strange adventures, but I
confess that among all the singular and marvellous things I have seen
or have collected, nothing is more strange nor more valuable than that
by means of which I have been enabled to exhibit to you the spectacle
which you have witnessed this morning.'
"I pressed him once more to tell me what this rare and precious thing
might be and how he became possessed of it. Upon which the barber,
saluting me as his protector and deliverer, who had saved him from the
fury of the crowd, consented readily to impart his secret to me, and
spoke as follows:--