A BUSINESS MAN IN THE ARMY
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable
one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore
all progress depends on the unreasonable man."--G. B. Shaw (in
_A Revolutionist's Handbook_).
Colonel Musgrave of the R.A.S.C. had been instructed to
superintend the supply and transport arrangements of the Portuguese
Division, and Lieutenant Barefoot, in charge of a Labour Company, had
been detailed to assist him.
"These men," he explained to Colonel Musgrave, "are all Southampton
dockers. In peace time I am their employer, and Sergeant Scott over
there is their foreman. They tell me your Labour Companies have often
shown rather poor discipline. There's no fear of anything like that
with my men; they have been chosen with care, and look up to me as if
I were a king. Scott, my sergeant, can do anything; neither he nor my
men ever drink a drop. As for me, I am a real business man, and I
intend to introduce new methods into the army."
Barefoot was fifty years old; he had a bald head shaped like an egg.
He had just enlisted to serve his King and country, and was
overflowing with goodwill.
The next morning twenty of his men were dead-drunk, two were absent
at roll-call, and Sergeant Scott had a scar on his nose which seemed
to be the result of a somewhat sudden encounter with mother earth.
"No matter," said the worthy N.C.O., "Barefoot is an ass, and never
notices anything."
Next day the first batch of Portuguese troops arrived. British tugs
towed the huge transports round the tiny harbour with graceful ease,
and the decks seethed with masses of troops. The harbour captain and
the _Ponts et Chaussees_ engineer were loud in protest against these
wonders, as being "contrary to the ideas of the Service." The wharves
were filled with motor lorries, mountains of pressed hay, sacks of
oats and boxes of biscuits.
Colonel Musgrave, who was to take charge of this treasure-store,
began to make his plan of campaign.
"To-morrow, Friday," he said, "there will be a parade on the wharf at
7 a.m. I shall hold an inspection myself before work is begun."
On Friday morning at seven, Barefoot, his labourers and the lorries
were all paraded on the wharf in excellent order. At eight the
colonel got up, had his bath and shaved. Then he partook of eggs and
bacon, bread and jam, and drank two cups of tea. Towards nine o'clock
his car took him to the wharf. When he saw the men standing
motionless, the officer saluting and the lorries all in a row,
his face went as red as a brick, and he stood up in his car and
addressed them angrily:
"So you are incapable of the slightest initiative! If I am absent for
an hour, detained by more important work, everything comes to a
standstill! I see I cannot rely on anyone here except myself!"
The same evening he called the officers together.
"To-morrow, Saturday," he said, "there will be a parade at 7 a.
m.--and this time I shall be there."
The next morning Barefoot with his men and lorries paraded once more
on the wharf, with a sea-wind sweeping an icy rain into their faces.
At half-past seven the lieutenant took action.
"We will start work," he said. "The colonel was quite right yesterday
and spoke like a real business man. In our respect for narrow
formalism, we stupidly wasted a whole morning's work."
So his men began to pile up the cases, the lorries started to move
the sacks of oats, and the day's work was pretty well advanced when
Colonel Musgrave appeared. Having had his bath and shaved, and
absorbed poached eggs on toast, bread, marmalade and three cups of
tea, he had not been able to be ready before ten. Suddenly coming
upon all this healthy bustle, he leaped out of his car, and angrily
addressed the eager Barefoot, who was approaching him with a modest
smile.
"Who has had the impudence to call the men off parade before my
arrival?" he said. "So if I happen to be detained elsewhere by more
important work, my orders are simply disregarded! I see again that I
cannot rely on anyone here except myself!"
Meanwhile the crestfallen Barefoot was meditating upon the mysterious
ways of the army. Musgrave inspected the work and decided that
everything was to be done all over again. The biscuits were to be
put in the shed where the oats had been piled, and the oats were to
be put out in the open where the biscuits had been. The meat was to
change places with the jam, and the mustard with the bacon. The
lorries were to take away again everything they had just brought up.
So that when lunch-time arrived, everything was in exactly the same
state as it had been at dawn. The Admiralty announced the arrival of
a transport at two o'clock; the men were supposed to find their
rations ready for them upon landing.
Musgrave very pluckily decided that the Labour Company were to have
no rest, and were just to be content with nibbling a light lunch
while they went on with their work.
Barefoot, who had got up at six and was very hungry, approached the
colonel in fear and trembling.
"May I leave my sergeant in charge for half an hour, sir?" he asked.
"He can do everything as well as I can. I should like just to run
along to the nearest cafe and have something warm to eat."
Musgrave gazed at him in mournful astonishment.
"Really," he said, "you young fellows don't seem to realize that
there's a war on." Whereupon he stepped into his car and drove off to
the hotel.
* * * * *
Barefoot, somewhat downcast, buttonholed the interpreter, who was
father-confessor to all Englishmen in distress. Aurelle begged him
not to get excited.
"You are always talking about introducing your business methods into
the army. As if that were possible! Why, the objects of the two
things are entirely different. A business man is always looking
for work; an officer is always trying to avoid it. If you neglect
these principles, I can foresee an ignominious end in store for you,
Barefoot, and Colonel Musgrave will trample on your corpse."
Now the thirty thousand Portuguese had been fed during their long
voyage on tinned food; and as the transports' holds were being
cleared, innumerable empty tins began to accumulate on the wharves.
Barefoot and his men were ordered to gather these tins together into
regular heaps. These grew so rapidly that the Mayor of the town was
exceedingly concerned to see such a waste of space in a harbour
already filled to bursting-point, and sent a pointed letter to
Colonel Musgrave, asking him to find some other place for his empty
tins.
Colonel Musgrave ordered his interpreter to write an equally pointed
letter, reminding the Mayor of B---- that the removal of refuse was a
municipal concern, and that the British Army was therefore waiting
for the Town to hand over a plot of ground for the purpose.
Barefoot happened to speak of this difficulty one day to the business
man at whose house he was billeted; and the latter told him that a
process had recently been discovered by which old tins could be
melted down and used again, and that a company had been floated to
work out the scheme; they would be sure to purchase Colonel
Musgrave's tins.
The enthusiastic Barefoot began to see visions of profitable and
glorious enterprises. Not only would he rid his chief and the Mayor
of B---- of a lot of cumbersome salvage, but this modest contract for
some tens of tons might well serve as a model to those responsible
for the sale of the millions of empty tins scattered daily by the
British Army over the plains of Flanders and Artois. And the
Commander-in-Chief would call the attention of the War Office to the
fact that "Lieutenant E. W. Barefoot, by his bold and intelligent
initiative, had enabled salvage to be carried out to the extent of
several million pounds."
"Aurelle," he said to the interpreter, "let's write to this company
immediately; we'll speak about it to the colonel when we get their
reply."
The answer came by return; they were offered twenty francs per ton,
carriage at the company's cost.
Barefoot explained his scheme to Colonel Musgrave with assumed
modesty, adding that it would be a good thing to flatten out the tins
before dispatching them, and that Sergeant Scott, who was a handy
man, could easily undertake the job.
"First of all," said the colonel, "why can't you mind your own
business? Don't you know you are forbidden to correspond with
strangers upon matters pertaining to the service without consulting
your superior officers? And who told you _I_'ve not been thinking
for quite a long time of selling your damned tins? Do you think
things are as simple as all that in the army? Fetch Aurelle; I'm
going to see the superintendent of the French Customs."
Three years' experience had taught Colonel Musgrave that the French
Customs Service were always to be relied on.
"Kindly ask this gentleman whether the British Army, having imported
tins with their contents without paying any duty, has the right to
sell these tins empty in France?"
"No," answered the official, when the colonel's question had been
translated to him, "there is an order from our headquarters about the
matter. The British Army must not carry on any sale of metal on
French soil."
"Thank him very much," said the colonel, satisfied.
"Now just look here," he said to Barefoot on returning, "what a nice
mess you would have made if I hadn't known my business. Let this be a
lesson to you. In future it will be better if you look after your men
and leave the rest to me. As for the tins, I have thought of a
solution which will satisfy everyone concerned."
Next day Barefoot received orders to have the tins packed on lorries,
and carried in several loads to the end of the pier, whence they were
neatly cast into the sea. In this way the Mayor was spared the
trouble of finding a dumping-ground, the British Government paid for
the petrol consumed by the lorries, the _Ponts et Chaussees_ bore
the expense of the dredging, and, as Colonel Musgrave said, every one
was satisfied.
* * * * *
Colonel Parker, before rejoining the Division, wrote out a report,
as usual, about the operations at B----.
"I beg to draw attention," the document ran, "to the excellent
organization of the Supply arrangements. Thirty thousand men have
been provided with rations in a harbour where no British base
existed. This result is due especially to the organizing abilities
displayed by Colonel A. C. Musgrave, C.M.G., D.S.O. (R.A.S.C.).
Although this officer has only recently been promoted, I consider it
my duty to recommend him ..."
"What about Barefoot?" said Aurelle. "Couldn't he be made a captain?"
"Barefoot? That damned shopkeeper fellow whom Musgrave told me about?
The man who wanted to introduce his methods into the army? He's a
public danger, my boy! But I can propose your friend Major Baraquin
for a C.M.G., if you like."
"Baraquin?" Aurelle exclaimed in turn. "Why, he always refused
everything you asked him for."
"Yes," said the colonel; "he's not very easy to get on with; he
doesn't understand things; but he's a soldier, every inch of him! I
like old Baraquin!"