It is rather bold on my part to take up this subject. It is a path
where "fools rush in where angels fear to tread". No matter what I say
it is sure to provoke criticism, but having frequently been asked by my
lady friends to give my opinion of American women, and having given my
solemn promise that if I ever should write my impressions of America I
would do so, it would be a serious "breach of promise" if I should now
break my word.
In general there are three classes of women: first, those who wish to
be praised; secondly, those who wish to be adversely criticized and
condemned; and thirdly, those who are simply curious to hear what
others think of them. American women do not as a rule belong to either
the first or the second class, but a large majority of them may be
ranged under class three. They wish to know what other people honestly
think of them and to hear their candid views. They are progressive
people who desire to improve their defects whenever they are pointed
out to them. That being the case I must not swerve from my duty of
sitting in a high court of justice to pass judgment on them.
To begin with, the American women are in some respects dissimilar to
the women of other nations. I find them sprightly, talkative and well
informed. They can converse on any subject with ease and resource,
showing that they have a good all-round education. Often have I
derived considerable information from them. The persistence with which
they stick to their opinions is remarkable. Once, when I had a lady
visitor at my Legation in Washington, after several matters had been
discussed we commenced talking about women's rights. I was in favor of
giving women more rights than they are enjoying, but on some points I
did not go so far as my lady friend; after arguing with me for several
hours, she, seeing that I did not coincide with all her views,
threatened that she would not leave my house until I had fully digested
all her points, and had become converted to her views.
I have observed that many American women marry foreigners, but that an
American rarely has a foreign wife. It may be said that foreigners
marry American girls for their money, while American women marry
distinguished foreigners for their titles. This may have been true in
some cases, but other causes than such sordid motives must be looked
for. It is the attractiveness and the beauty of the American girls
which enable them to capture so many foreign husbands. Their pleasant
manners and winsome nature predispose a person in their favor, and with
their well-grounded education and ready fund of knowledge, they easily
win any gentleman with marital propensities. Had I been single when I
first visited America I too might have been a victim--no wonder then
that American men prefer American wives. Once I was an involuntary
match-maker. Some years ago, during my first mission in Washington, I
was invited to attend the wedding of the daughter of the Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court. When I entered the breakfast room, I saw the
bridesmaids and a number of young men. Going up to one of the
bridesmaids whom I had previously met, and who was the daughter of a
Senator, I asked her when it would be her turn to become a bride. She
modestly said that she did not know, as she had not yet had an offer.
Turning to the group of young men who were in the room, I jocularly
remarked to one of them, "This is a beautiful lady, would you not like
to marry her?" He replied, "I shall be most delighted to." Then I said
to the young lady, "Will you accept his offer?" She seemed slightly
embarrassed and said something to the effect that as she did not know
the gentleman she could not give a definite answer. After a few days I
met the young lady at an "At Home" party when she scolded me for being
so blunt with her before the young men. I told her I was actuated by
the best of motives, and a few months later I received an invitation
from the young lady's parents inviting me to be present at their
daughter's marriage. I thought I would go and find out whether the
bridegroom was the young man whom I had introduced to the young lady,
and as soon as I entered the house, the mother of the bride, to my
agreeable surprise, informed me that it was I who had first brought the
young couple together, and both the bride and bridegroom heartily
thanked me for my good offices.
One very conspicuous feature in the character of American women is
their self-control and independence. As soon as a girl grows up she is
allowed to do what she pleases, without the control of her parents. It
is a common occurrence to see a young lady travelling alone without
either a companion or a chaperon. Travelling on one occasion from San
Francisco to Washington I met a young lady on the train who was still
in her teens. She told me that she was going to New York to embark on
a steamer for Germany, with the intention of entering a German college.
She was undertaking this long journey alone. Such an incident would be
impossible in China; even in England, or indeed in any European
country, I hardly believe that a respectable young girl would be
allowed to take such a journey without some trusty friend to look after
her. But in America this is a common occurrence, and it is a credit to
the administration, and speaks volumes for the good government of the
country, that for sensible wide-awake American girls such undertakings
are perfectly safe.
This notion of independence and freedom has modified the relation of
children to their parents. Instead of children being required to show
respect and filial obedience, the obligation of mutual love and esteem
is cultivated. Parents would not think of ordering a girl or a boy to
do anything, however reasonable; in all matters they treat them as
their equals and friends; nor would a girl submit to an arbitrary order
from her mother, for she does not regard her as a superior, but as her
friend and companion. I find it is a common practice among American
girls to engage themselves in marriage without consulting their
parents. Once I had a serious talk on this subject with a young couple
who were betrothed. I asked them if they had the consent of their
parents. They both answered emphatically that it was not necessary,
and that it was their business and not their parents'. I told them
that although it was their business, they might have shown some respect
to their parents by consulting them before committing themselves to
this important transaction. They answered that they did not agree with
me, and as it concerned their own happiness alone, they had a perfect
right to decide the matter for themselves. This shows the extreme
limit to which the Americans carry their theory of independence.
Unless I am greatly mistaken, I fear this is a typical and not an
isolated case. I believe that in many cases, after they had made up
their minds to marry, the young people would inform their respective
parents of their engagement, but I question if they would subordinate
their own wishes to the will of their parents, or ask their consent to
their engagement.
Now let us see how all this is managed in China. Here the parties most
interested have no voice in the matter. The parents, through their
friends, or sometimes through the professional match-makers, arrange
the marriage, but only after the most strict and diligent inquiries as
to the character, position, and suitability of temper and disposition
of the persons for whom the marriage contract is being prepared. This
is sometimes done with the knowledge of the interested parties, but
very often they are not consulted. After an engagement is thus made it
cannot be broken off, not even by the young people themselves, even
though he or she may plead that the arrangement was made without his or
her knowledge or consent. The engagement is considered by all parties
as a solemn compact. On the wedding day, in nine cases out of ten, the
bride and bridegroom meet each other for the first time, and yet they
live contentedly, and quite often even happily together. Divorces in
China are exceedingly rare. This is accounted for by the fact that
through the wise control of their parents the children are properly
mated. In saying this I do not wish to be supposed to be advocating
the introduction of the Chinese system into America. I would, however,
point out that the independent and thoughtless way in which the
American young people take on themselves the marriage vow does not as a
rule result in suitable companionships. When a girl falls in love with
a young man she is unable to perceive his shortcomings and vices, and
when, after living together for a few months, she begins to find them
out, it is alas too late. If, previous to her engagement, she had
taken her mother into her confidence, and asked her to use her good
offices to find out the character of the young man whom she favored, a
fatal and unhappy mistake might have been avoided. Without
interfering, in the least, with the liberty or free choice, I should
think it would be a good policy if all young Americans, before
definitely committing themselves to a promise of marriage, would at
least consult their mothers, and ask them to make private and
confidential inquiries as to the disposition, as well as to the moral
and physical fitness of the young man or lady whom they contemplate
marrying. Mothers are naturally concerned about the welfare and
happiness of their offspring, and could be trusted in most cases to
make careful, impartial and conscientious inquiries as to whether the
girl or man was really a worthy and suitable life partner for their
children. If this step were generally taken many an unfortunate union
would be avoided. It was after this fashion that I reasoned with the
young people mentioned above, but they did not agree with me, and I had
to conclude that love is blind.
Before leaving this subject I would add that the system of marriage
which has been in vogue in China for so many centuries has been
somewhat changed within the last few years. This is due to the new
spirit which has been gradually growing. Young people begin to exert
their rights, and will not allow parents to choose their life partners
without their consent. Instances of girls choosing their own husbands
have come to my knowledge, and they did not occur during leap-year.
But I sincerely hope that our Chinese youth will not go to the same
lengths as the young people of America.
The manner in which a son treats his parents in the United States is
diametrically opposed to our Chinese doctrine, handed down to us from
time immemorial. "Honor thy father and thy mother" is an injunction of
Moses which all Christians profess to observe, but which, or so it
appears to a Confucianist, all equally forget. The Confucian creed
lays it down as the essential duty of children that they shall not only
honor and obey their fathers and their mothers, but that they are in
duty bound to support them. The reason is that as their parents
brought them into the world, reared and educated them, the children
should make them some return for their trouble and care. The view of
this question which is taken in America seems to be very strange to me.
Once I heard a young American argue in this way. He said, gravely and
seriously, that as he was brought into this world by his parents
without his consent, it was their duty to rear him in a proper way, but
that it was no part of his duty to support them. I was very much
astounded at this statement. In China such a son would be despised,
and if he neglected to maintain his parents he would be punished. I do
not believe that the extreme views of this young man are universally
accepted in America, but I am inclined to think that the duties of
children toward their parents are somewhat ill-defined. American
parents do not apparently expect their children to support them,
because, as a rule they are, if not rich, at least in comfortable
circumstances; and even if they are not, they would rather work for
their livelihood than burden their children and hinder their success by
relying on them for pecuniary aid. It may have escaped my observation,
but, so far as I know, it is not the custom for young people to provide
for their parents. There was, however, one exceptional case which came
to my knowledge. Some years ago a young Senator in Washington, who was
famous for his eloquence, had his father living with him. His father
was eighty years of age, and though in robust health was a cripple, and
so had to depend on him for support. I was informed that he and his
wife were very kind to him. Many young men treat their parents kindly
and affectionately, but they do it more as a favor than as a duty; in
fact, as between equals.
In connection with this subject I may mention that as soon as a son
marries, however young and inexperienced he may be, he leaves his
parents' roof. He and his bride will set up a separate establishment
so that they can do as they please without the supervision of their
parents. The latter do not object, as it gives the young folk an
opportunity to gain experience in keeping house. Young wives have a
horror of having their mothers-in-law reside with them; if it be
necessary to have an elderly lady as a companion they always endeavor
to get their own mothers.
American women are ambitious and versatile, and can readily apply
themselves to any task with ease. They are not only employed in stores
and mercantile houses but are engaged in different professions. There
is scarcely any store in America where there are not some women
employed as typists, clerks, or accountants. I am told that they are
more steady than men. Even in the learned professions they
successfully compete with the men. Some years ago the
Attorney-Generalship of one of the states became vacant. Two
candidates appeared; one was a gentleman and the other a young lady
lawyer. They both sought election; the gentleman secured a small
majority, but in the end the lady lawyer conquered, for she soon became
the wife of the Attorney-General, her former opponent during the
election campaign, and after her marriage she practically carried on
the work of her husband. Some years later her husband retired from
practice in order to farm, and she continued to carry on the law
practice. Does not this indicate that the intellect of the American
woman is equal, if not superior, to that of the men? American women
are good conversationalists, and many of them are eloquent and endowed
with "the gift of the gab". One of the cleverest and wittiest speeches
I have ever heard was from a woman who spoke at a public meeting on a
public question. They are also good writers. Such women as Mrs. Ella
Wheeler Wilcox, Mrs. Mary N. Foote Henderson, Mrs. Elizabeth Towne and
many others, are a great credit to their sex. The writings of such
women show their profound insight and wide culture. Naturally such
women cannot be expected to play second fiddle. They exercise great
influence, and when married "they rule the roost". It should be
mentioned that their husbands submit willingly to their tactful rule,
and gladly obey their commands without feeling that they are servants.
I would advise any married woman who complains of her husband being
unruly and unpleasant to take a lesson from the ladies of America.
They are vivacious, bright, loquacious and less reserved than European
ladies. In social functions they can be easily recognized. If,
however, an American lady marries a foreigner and lives abroad, she
soon loses her national characteristics. Once on board a steamer I had
an American lady as a fellow passenger; from her reserved manner I
mistook her for an English lady, and it was only after some days that I
discovered she was born in America, but that she had been living in
England for many years with her English husband.
There is one fault I find with American women, if it can be so called,
and that is their inquisitiveness; I know that this is a common fault
with all women, but it is most conspicuous in the Americans. They have
the knack of finding out things without your being aware of it, and if
they should want to know your history they will learn all about it
after a few minutes' conversation. They are good detectives, and I
think they should be employed in that line more than they are.
A nation's reputation depends upon the general character of its women,
for they form at least half, if not more, of the population. In this
respect America stands high, for the American woman is lively,
open-hearted and ingenuous; she is also fearless, independent, and is
almost without restraint. She is easily accessible to high and low,
and friendly to all, but woe to the man who should misunderstand the
pure and high character of an American girl, and attempt to take
liberties with her. To a stranger, and especially to an Oriental, she
is a puzzle. Some years ago I had to disabuse a false notion of a
countryman of mine respecting a lady's behavior toward him. The keen
observer will find that the American girl, having been educated in
schools and colleges with boys, naturally acts more freely than her
sisters in other countries, where great restraint is imposed upon them.
Her actions may be considered as perilously near to the border of
masculinity, yet she is as far from either coarseness or low thoughts
as is the North from the South Pole. The Chinese lady is as pure as
her American sister, but she is brought up in a different way; her
exclusion keeps her indoors, and she has practically no opportunity of
associating with male friends. A bird which has been confined in a
cage for a long time, will, when the door is opened, fly far away and
perhaps never return, but if it has been tamed and allowed to go in and
out of its cage as it pleases it will not go far, but will always come
back in the evening. When my countrywomen are allowed more freedom
they will not abuse it, but it will take some little time to educate
them up to the American standards.