this poor young man.
NELLIE.
[_Also in an undertone._] I thought you’d like an opportunity of talking
privately to Gerald.
LADY SELLENGER.
Why, darling?
NELLIE.
Dear mamma, the settlements.
LADY SELLENGER.
[_Smiling affectionately._] You sweet, practical child! You’ll be your
own mother again at my age.
NELLIE.
May I go then?
LADY SELLENGER.
Do. But don’t be away very long.
NELLIE.
[_Kissing her._] Good-bye, mamma.
[_She goes out with_ FREDDIE. _Almost immediately the sound of a
motor-horn is heard, as they drive away._
LADY SELLENGER.
The dear child, she has such a sweet, trusting nature. You must kiss me,
too, Gerald!
GERALD.
I shall be delighted, I’m sure.
[_She puts up her cheek, which he kisses. A_ SERVANT _comes in with a
note_.
SERVANT.
Miss Sellenger told me to give you this at once, Madam.
MRS. DOT.
Oh. [_She opens it and gives a cry._] Good heavens! Oh, the deceitful
wretch! Lady Sellenger, how shall I tell you? It’s from Nellie.
LADY SELLENGER.
From Nellie!
MRS. DOT.
[_Reading._] “Dear Mrs. Dot, I’m just off to marry Freddie. Break it to
Mamma gently.”
LADY SELLENGER.
[_Starting up._] Impossible! Stop them! Stop them! Where are they?
MRS. DOT.
[_Reading._] “I couldn’t marry Gerald. He’s too great a”--there’s a word
in big letters. I never could read capitals.
[_She hands the note to_ GERALD.
GERALD.
The word is “B. O. R. E.”
MRS. DOT.
[_Pretending to be much surprised._] Bore!
BLENKINSOP.
[_With immense satisfaction._] Bore!
AUNT ELIZA.
[_Meditatively._] Bore!
LADY SELLENGER.
Oh, how monstrous! My poor Gerald, what shall I do?
[GERALD _goes into a roar of laughter. He laughs louder and
louder._
LADY SELLENGER.
Gerald! Gerald! Don’t! Pull yourself together. The poor boy, he’s
perfectly hysterical. Where are my salts? Mrs. Dot, for heaven’s sake
calm him down. Oh, my dear! You mustn’t upset yourself yet.
BLENKINSOP.
He looks cut up, doesn’t he?
LADY SELLENGER.
We’ll pursue them. There’s no harm done yet. We’ll catch them. I promise
you we’ll catch them. You shall marry her, Gerald, if I have to drag
her to church by the hair of her head.
[_At this he stops suddenly and stares at her in dismay._
GERALD.
What are you going to do?
LADY SELLENGER.
We must chase them. Where’s your motor, Mr. Blenkinsop? Didn’t you tell
me it was the fastest machine in England?
BLENKINSOP.
I did say something of the sort.
LADY SELLENGER.
We shall catch them up. Gerald, you must drive me. I can’t trust any one
else to go fast enough.
MRS. DOT.
But you don’t know which way they’ve gone.
LADY SELLENGER.
Don’t be so silly. Of course they’ve gone to Brighton. When people elope
they always go to Brighton.
[MRS. DOT _slips out of the room_.
GERALD.
And what’ll you do if we come up to them? You can’t force them to come
back.
LADY SELLENGER.
If a woman can’t force her daughter to marry any man she chooses, I
don’t know what the English nation is coming to.
GERALD.
I won’t marry the girl against her will.
LADY SELLENGER.
Fiddlededee! Of course you’ll marry her. Who is this creature she’s run
away with? Perkins! Perkins with a P. I never heard anything so
ridiculous. Do you suppose my daughter is going to be Mrs.
Perkins--Perkins with a P?
BLENKINSOP.
You couldn’t very well spell it with a W could you?
LADY SELLENGER.
Hold your impudent tongue, sir!
GERALD.
Now, let’s have this out and be done with it. I’m no more in love with
Nellie than she is with me, I was going to marry her because I’d
promised to, and it seemed a low down trick to draw back....
LADY SELLENGER.
The man’s mad. The shock has turned his brain.
GERALD.
When I heard she’d bolted, I could have jumped for joy. I seem to have
awaked out of a ghastly nightmare. Nothing will induce me to try and
catch her up.
LADY SELLENGER.
You monster! How dare you trifle with the affections of my daughter! You
don’t mean to stand by and see her marry a man called Perkins!
GERALD.
I wouldn’t even mind if she married a man called Vere de Vere.
LADY SELLENGER.
Very well, then, the chauffeur shall drive me. You’re a heartless brute.
Perkins with a P. And penniless to boot.
[_She flounces out of the room and bangs the door._
GERALD.
Where’s Mrs. Dot?
[_He goes into the garden._
BLENKINSOP.
What a charming mother-in-law that woman will make!
[MRS. DOT _comes in with a large kitchen knife in one hand and a
poker in the other_.
MRS. DOT.
I’ve done it!
BLENKINSOP.
Done what?
MRS. DOT.
Lady Sellenger thinks she’s going in your motor, but she isn’t.
BLENKINSOP.
[_Starting up._] What have you done to my motor?
MRS. DOT.
As soon as she talked of it, I ran to the kitchen and seized this knife
and I seized this poker.
BLENKINSOP.
Woman!
MRS. DOT.
I’ve ripped up all the tyres, they’re simply in ribands, James.
BLENKINSOP.
Good Lord!
MRS. DOT.
I don’t know what I’ve done to the steering gear, but I know it’ll never
work again. Oh, it’s in an awful state.
BLENKINSOP.
But that’s a bran-new motor. I’ve just paid eighteen hundred pounds for
it.
MRS. DOT.
And so that there shouldn’t be any risk I opened the place where the
works are, and I rummaged around with the poker. I _think_ I’ve smashed
everything.
BLENKINSOP.
Oh! Oh!
[_He buries his head in his hands._
MRS. DOT.
The thing’s a wreck and a ruin. You should have seen the tyres go flop,
flop, flop.
BLENKINSOP.
But I’m going to race next week.
MRS. DOT.
It’ll be impossible to move it for a month. It _is_ in a state.
BLENKINSOP.
Eighteen hundred pounds!
MRS. DOT.
I don’t know how much it’ll cost to put right. You don’t mind, James, do
you?
BLENKINSOP.
Mind!
MRS. DOT.
I shouldn’t like you to be cross with me.
BLENKINSOP.
[_Furiously._] Oh!
MRS. DOT.
You won’t let this disturb your affection for me? Remember that you’re
going to marry me.
BLENKINSOP.
Marry you. I’d rather marry my cook.
[_He flings out of the room._
MRS. DOT.
[_Looking after him, innocently._] He _is_ in a temper, isn’t he? It’s
very hard to please everybody in this life.
AUNT ELIZA.
You’re quite incorrigible.
MRS. DOT.
Would you mind taking these implements away? I’m really very tired.
AUNT ELIZA.
I suppose breaking motors is rather hard work.
MRS. DOT.
And you get very little thanks for it.
[AUNT ELIZA _goes out_. MRS. DOT _sinks into a chair, with a sigh
of relief_. GERALD _comes in. She realises that he is behind her,
but pretends not to notice him. He comes up softly._
GERALD.
Dot!
MRS. DOT.
[_Pretending to start._] Oh, how you frightened me! You might remember
that my nerves are in a very agitated state.
GERALD.
You asked me a question a little while ago. I can answer it now.
MRS. DOT.
I’m so sorry, I’ve quite forgotten what it was. It can’t have been of
the smallest importance.
GERALD.
You asked me if I loved you.
MRS. DOT.
How absurd! And do you?
GERALD.
With all my heart, and I’ve loved you passionately from the first moment
I saw you.
MRS. DOT.
With never a day off?
GERALD.
With never a day off. I wanted to tell you every minute, and yet I
couldn’t be such a cad.
MRS. DOT.
[_Sarcastically._] It’s awfully nice of you to say all this, and I can’t
tell you how flattered I am.
GERALD.
Dot!
MRS. DOT.
Only it’s rather late in the day. I’ve promised my hand and heart to
James Blenkinsop.
GERALD.
Fiddle!
MRS. DOT.
[_Raising her eyebrows._] I beg your pardon?
GERALD.
[_Firmly._] Fiddle!
MRS. DOT.
Are you under the delusion that because a happy chance has freed you
from a previous engagement, I’m going to seize the opportunity and leap
into your arms?
GERALD.
You know, women are brutes. One tries to do the straight thing and
behave more or less like a white man, and they make you feel as if
you’d been an utter beast.
MRS. DOT.
Do you know why Nellie jilted you? Because you’re a bore.
GERALD.
[_Smiling._] I daresay I’m very stupid. I suppose that’s why I love you
so much.
MRS. DOT.
My dear Gerald, you were cured of your passion for Nellie in a month. I
have no doubt that a week in Paris will make your heart whole once more.
GERALD.
[_Calmly._] Are you packing me off by any chance?
MRS. DOT.
Marked--damaged.
GERALD.
[_With his tongue in his cheek._] Then Good-bye!
MRS. DOT.
_Bon voyage._
[_He turns to go and walks slowly to the door. She seizes a cushion
and throws it at him, then turns her back on him. He stops, picks
up the cushion and gravely brings it to her._
GERALD.
I think you dropped something.
MRS. DOT.
[_Gravely._] Thank you.
[_He looks at her, with a smile. She begins to laugh. Suddenly he
takes her in his arms._
GERALD.
You silly little fool.
THE END