1
Rose was to have a holiday the next day. We arranged that she should
come with the trap from the farm, the first thing in the morning, to
fetch me.
We start at six o'clock. The harness-bells tinkle gaily to the heavy
trot of the big horse; and we laugh as we are jolted violently one
against the other. We drive through the villages, those happy Normandy
villages where everything seems eloquent of the richness of the soil.
They are still asleep, the white curtains are drawn and the geraniums on
the window-ledges alone are awake in all their glowing bloom. A faint
haze veils the fields and imparts to things a soft warmth of tone that
makes them more soothing to the eyes. The sun rises and we see the
breath of earth shimmer in its first rays.
We have never yet been for a whole day's outing together; everything is
new in my new pleasure. I look at Rose beside me. I had wanted her to
put on her peasant clothes; and I find her beautiful in her scanty garb
in the cool morning air.
We follow the long hog's-back that commands a view of the whole country
round. Here and there, tiny villages float like islands of green amid
the wide plains. A row of poplars lines the way on either side. Their
yellow leaves quiver and rustle in the breeze. The rooks stand out
harshly against the white road. And the mist, which is beginning to lift
in places, reveals a deep-blue sky.
The keen air that enters my throat and makes my mouth cold as ice tells
me of the smile that flickers over my face; and my pleasure is
heightened by the sight of my happiness. A woman sees herself anew in
everything that she beholds; life is her perpetual looking-glass. In our
memory, the flowers in a hat often mingle with those along the road; and
sometimes the muslin of a dress enfolds the recollection of our gravest
emotions.
O femininity, sublime and ridiculous, wise and foolish! Never shall I
weary of surprising its movements and variations deep down in my being!
How it fascinates me in all its shades and forms! I let it play with my
destiny as much from reason as from love, for we know that nothing can
subdue it. I worship it in myself, I worship it in all of us! It may
exhaust us in the performance of superhuman tasks, it may let us merely
dally with the delight of being beautiful, it may chain us to our bodies
or deliver us from their tyranny, it may adorn life or give it, enrich
it or kill it: always and everywhere it arouses my eager interest. Ever
unexpected and changeful, it floats in front of our woman's souls like a
gracious veil that draws, unites and yet separates....
The even motion of the trap lulls my dreams and we drive on, in the
midst of the plains, the fields and the woods. We pass through a dense
flock of sheep. The warm round backs, the gentle, anxious faces push and
hustle, while the thousand slender legs mingle and raise clouds of dust
along the roadside. The timid voices bleat through space; and a pungent
scent fills our nostrils. We are now going down into the valley. The
village appears, among the trees: a cluster of red and grey roofs;
little narrow gardens; white clothes hung out and fluttering in the
sunlight. Beyond are broad meadows dotted with peaceful cows and
streaked with running brooks. There, just in the middle, a factory
displays its grimy buildings. It is an eye-sore, but it leaves the mind
unscathed. Does it not represent definite and deliberate activity amid
the unconsciousness of nature?...
At this moment, Rose turns towards me; and I seem to read a sadness in
her eyes:
"What are you thinking of?" I ask.
"I am thinking that I should like to go away altogether and that we have
to be back tonight."
I kissed her and laughed.
"My darling, you must live and be happy in the present: there is plenty
of room there."
We arrived at the country-house to which I was taking her. Pretty women
in delicate morning-wraps were eagerly awaiting us on the steps, while
some of the men, attracted by the sound of our wheels, leant out from a
window to see my pretty Rose. There was a general cry of admiration:
"Why, she's magnificent!"
We stepped out of the trap and I pushed Rose towards the party, with
whispered words of encouragement; but, suddenly bending forward, with
her feet wide apart, her arms-swinging and her cheeks on fire, she dips
here and there in a series of awkward bows....
They were kind enough not to laugh; and I led the girl through the
great, cool echoing rooms, multiplied by the mirrors and filled with
marvels....
2
The sun streams through the immense, wide-open windows; and the harmony
of the ancient park mingles with that of the silk hangings and the old
furniture. The fallen leaves sprinkle tears of gold upon the deep green
of the lawns. The soft-flowing river welcomes with a quiver the perfect
beauty of the skies; rare shrubs and delicate flowers set here and there
sheaves and garlands of joy; and the golden sand of the paths
accentuates the variety of the colours. On the hill opposite, a wood
gilded by the autumn seems to be lying down like some huge animal; in
the distance, the tree-tops are so close together that one could imagine
a giant hand stroking its tawny fur. On either side of the tall
bow-windows, the scarlet satin of the curtains falls in long, straight
folds.
Let us be in a palace or a hovel, in a museum or an hotel: is not our
attention always first claimed by the window? However little it reveals,
that little still means light and life, amid our admiration of the rare
or our indifference to the ordinary. The windows represent all the
independence, hope and strength of the little souls behind them; and I
believe that I love them chiefly because they were the confidants and
friends of my early years, when, as an idle, questioning little girl, I
would stand with my hands clasped in front of me and my forehead glued
to the panes. My childhood spent at those windows was a picture of
patient waiting.
Often they come back to me, the windows of that big house in a
provincial town, on one side lighted up and beautiful with the beauty of
the gay garden on which their lace-veiled casements opened, on the other
a little dark and lone, as though listening to the voice and the dreary
illusion of the church which they enframe....
3
The current of my life, diverted for a moment, returned to the present
and, as always, it swelled with the gladness that rises to our hearts
whenever chance conjures up a past whose chains we have shattered.
Happier and lighter at heart, I continued with Rose my visit to the
galleries, the gardens and the hot-houses. The luncheon passed off well.
Rose was quite at ease and suggested in that elegant setting a stage
shepherdess, whose beauty transfigured the simplest clothes. A silk
kerchief with a bright pattern of flowers is folded loosely round her
neck; her chemisette and skirt are freshly washed and ironed, her hands
well tended and her hair gracefully knotted. She introduces a striking
and very charming note into the Empire dining-room. More than once,
during lunch, I congratulated myself on not having yielded to the
temptation to adorn her with the thousand absurd and cunning trifles
that constitute our modern dress, for her little blunders of speech and
movement found an excuse in her peasant's costume. Nevertheless, she
answered intelligently the questions put to her on the treatment of
cattle and the cultivation of the soil; and I had every reason to be
proud of her. Her grave and reserved air charmed everybody. If she often
grieves and disappoints me, is this not due more particularly to the
absence of certain qualities which her beauty had wrongly led me to
expect?
4
Before taking our seats in the trap, we go for a stroll through the
village. As we pass in front of the baker's, a splendid young fellow,
naked to the waist, comes out of the house and stands in the doorway.
The flour with which his arms and his bronzed chest are sprinkled
softens their modelling very prettily. His sturdy neck, on which his
head, the head of a young Roman, looks almost small, his straight nose,
long eyes and narrow temples form a combination rarely seen in our
district. I was pointing him out to Rose, when he called to her
familiarly and congratulated her on visiting at the great house. I saw
no movement of foolish vanity in her; on the contrary, there was great
simplicity in her story of the drive and the lunch. I was pleased at
this and told her so, later, when we were back in the trap.
"The poor fellow is afraid of anything that might take me from him," she
said. "He must be very unhappy just now, for he has been imploring me
for the last two years to marry him."
I gave her a questioning look; and she went on:
"I did not want to. I would rather end my days in poverty than languish
for ever behind a counter. Still, his love would perhaps have overcome
my resistance, if I had not met you."
She leant over to kiss me. I returned her caress, though I felt a little
troubled, as I always do when I receive a positive proof of the way in
which I have changed the course of her life. At the same time, I
realised that her nature contained a sense of pride, in which till then
I had believed her entirely deficient. I remained thoughtful, but not
astonished. We end by having opinions, on both men and things, which are
so delicately jointed that they can constantly twist and turn without
ever breaking.
Meanwhile, the horse was jogging peacefully along; we were going towards
the sea, for I wanted to finish our holiday there. The willow-edged
river followed our road; and we already saw the white sheen of the
cliffs at the far end of the valley.
Soon we are passing through the little old town, where a few visitors
are still staying for the bathing, though it is late in the season. At
the inn, where we leave our horse and trap, they seem to think us a
rather odd couple. I laugh at their amused faces, but Rose is
embarrassed and hurries me away. All the dark and winding little streets
lead to the sea. We divine its vastness and immensity beyond the dusky
lanes that give glimpses of it. In front of one of those luminous
chinks, under a rounded archway, an old woman stands motionless; she is
clad like the women of the Pays de Caux: a black dress gathered in thick
pleats around the waist, a brown apron and a smooth, white cap flattened
down over her forehead. Poor shrivelled life, whose features seem to
have been harshly carved out of wood! She is like an interlude in the
perfect harmony of things. I utter my admiration aloud, so that my
Roseline's eyes may share it; and we pass under the archway.
We are now on the beach; the wind lashes our skirts and batters my large
hat, which flaps around my face. For a more intimate enjoyment of the
sea, we run to it through the glorious, exhilarating air which takes
away our breath. Over yonder, a few people are gathered round a hideous
building all decked out with bunting. It is the casino. We hasten in the
opposite direction. On the patch of sand which the sea uncovers at low
tide, some boys disturb the solitude; but they are attractive in their
fresh and nervous grace, with their slender legs, their energetic
gestures and their as it were beardless voices. Their frolics stand out
against the pale horizon like positive words in a blissful silence.
As we sat down on the shingle, the sun facing us was still blinding; and
I reflected that, when my eyes could endure its brilliancy, it would be
like our human happiness, very near its end....
The excitement of the lunch at the big house has not yet passed off; and
Rose laughs and is amused at everything. Has she to-day at last, by the
contact of those happy, care-free lives, foreseen an approaching
deliverance from hers? Of all the things that we have seen together, how
much has she really observed? Has the test to which I tried to submit
her to-day proved vain? As a guide to her impressions, I traced the
outline of my own before her eyes. I questioned her. Then it seemed to
me that, in bending my thoughts upon Rose, I saw her as we see our image
in the water, with vaguer hues and less decided lines. The girl merely,
from time to time, added a word expressing her contentment, a thought of
her own; and to me it was as though a little sunbeam had played straight
on the water and the image through the leafy branches....
Does this mean that we see here a mere reflection, an utterly hollow
soul, into which the leavings of other souls enter naturally? If it
seems to me, at this moment, to borrow light and blood from me, is that
a reason for thinking that it possesses neither sap nor sunshine? No, a
thousand times no! True, I am the mother of her real life and she must,
so to speak, pass through my soul before reaching hers. But, though we
are of one mind, we are two distinct natures, two very different
characters. It is a question not only of one creature attaching herself
to another, but of an awakening and self-enquiring spirit, of a late and
sudden development. Rose does not wish to copy me. Honestly and
diligently, she spells and lisps to me something like a new language,
with the aid of which she will soon be able in her turn to express
herself and to feel. There are moments when she seems to understand me
perfectly, even to my inmost thoughts; and I sometimes say to her:
"Where was she in the old days, the girl who understands me so well now?
What did she do? Where did she live?..."
But where are all of us before the hour that reveals us to ourselves?
And what manner of being would he be who had never undergone any
influence or contact, who had never seen anything, felt anything? All
impressions, whether of persons or things, come to us from without, but
little by little and so imperceptibly that there is never a day in our
lives that may be called the day of awakening. And yet it exists for all
of us, shredded into decisive and fugitive minutes throughout our lives.
Imagine for an instant that we could gather them, put them together and
place them all in the hands of one being who, with one movement, would
scatter them all around us. Would not the change in our character, in
our thoughts, in our feelings be very remarkable? Would we not appear
actually "possessed" by that person, who, after all, would have been but
the instrument of a natural reaction of all our inert forces?
Filled with these thoughts, I said to Roseline:
"Dearest, once your life is kindled into feeling and expression, I can
no longer distinguish it, for it is absorbed in mine.... I shall soon be
going away; and all that I shall know of you will be your beauty, your
unhappiness and the tenderness of your heart."
Her great, innocent eyes, lifted to mine, asked:
"Is not that enough?"
And, almost ashamed of my doubts, I at once added:
"You shall come where I am; whatever happens, be sure that I will not
desert you."
With an abrupt gesture, she flung her arms around me; and, as we looked
into each other's eyes, the same mist rose before them. Was she at last
about to accompany me into the depths of my soul?
My heart burns with the fire of this new and longed-for emotion; and I
feel two crystal tears, two tears of sheer delight, slowly follow the
curve of my cheeks. Rose's own sensibilities have been blunted for a
time by her rough life; she does not yet know how to weep for happiness;
and, almost frightened, she convulsively presses her clasped hands
against her breast, as though she feared lest it should burst with the
throbbing of her joy.
I placed my lips to the long golden lashes, I gathered the dear,
timorous tears that seemed still uncertain which path to take; and,
behind the veil of my kisses, they gushed forth without fear or shame.
5
The setting sun was no more than a thin crimson streak on the dividing
line of sky and sea; and the peaceful billows whispered mysteriously in
the dusk that rose from every side.
It was time to go. When we were both standing, so frail and
insignificant on the great empty beach, a wave of passionate gratitude
overwhelmed both our hearts; and I at last believed that all nature--the
sea, the meadows and the fields--had wrought its work of love and beauty
in my Rose.