"Murder! Thieves! Robbers!"
The Policemen scattered, while a crowd of ragged urchins colected about
me. "My youthful vagabones," roared I, as loud as I could scream, "bring
along your stuffed wallets. The market price of brown paper is $50 an
ounce on call.--If you are lookin' for a greenhorn, I'me your man."
I then broke my umbreller over a lamp-post, and button-hold a passer by,
offerin him a $100 if he'd send me to a loonatic asilum.
Seein' a sine on the opposite corner which read: "Weigher's Office," I
rusht wildly in, and said to a man:
"Captin, I've been _litened_. If you've got such a thing as a pair of
apothecary's scales about your premises, dump me on and give me the
figgers."
I then tried to jump through a winder, but the man caught me by the cote
tails, and haulin' me back, sot me down into a cheer.
I soon got cooled down, when I told the man how I'de been swindled, and
asked him what I had better do.
"Do?" said he, laffin' as if heed bust. "My advice is, for you to take
the next train for your home, and then charge your loss to the acc't of
seein' the elefant."
It hain't often I git took in, but that time I was swallered,
specturcals, white hat and all, as slick as if I'de been buttered all
over.
I don't intend to let Mrs. GREEN know anything about this little
adventoor, but just as like as not, some day when I hain't thinking she
will worm it out of me, when Mariar will no doubt say:
"Sarved you rite, you old ignoramus; that's what you git for stoppin'
takin' the weekly noosepapers, because they won't print the darned
nonsents you set up to rite, when you orter be to bed and asleep."
Ewers, lite as a fether,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._
* * * * *
A Serious Complication.
The English language is a "mighty onsartin" one. Here, now, in a
magazine sketch, we find it stated that one of the characters of the
story was "as rich as CROESUS, and a good fellow to boot." Vernacularly,
this is correct; and yet so equivocal is it that it puzzles one to think
why the acquisition of wealth should subject the holder of it to the
liability of being kicked.
* * * * *
Enough Said.
"Modern physiologists," said the Doctor, "have arrived at the conclusion
that man begins as a cell."
"And what about woman?" returned the Scalper, "doesn't she begin as a
sell, continue as a sell, and depart as a sell?"
"She does," replied the doctor.
* * * * *
A Relative Question.
Would the marriage of a Daughter of a Canon to a Son of a Gun come
within the laws prohibiting marriage between relatives too nearly
connected?
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE (JOHN) REAL DEMOCRACY OF NEW YORK CITY.]
* * * * *