That "great creature," like some other "great creatures," happened, as
almanacs say, "about this time" to be somewhat "out at elbows;"--not in
the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause
which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word "received" in the
veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be
discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of
penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires
to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the
medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of
Furnival's Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam,--the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became
ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a
gentleman holding a _Civil_ employment with a _Military_ title, viz. that
of "_Officer_" to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the
said--anything but _Civil_ or _Military_--nondescript "officer," to secure
and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as
the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of
Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and
liquidated.
Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their
man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:--Fitzflam always gave
them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers,
and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the
country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk.
In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard
of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the
following information.
_Fitz._ "Waiter."
"Yes, sar."
"Who have you in the house?"
"Fust of company, sar;--alwaist, sar."
"Oh! of course;--any one in particular?"
"Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his
bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses' milk, sar, for
breakfast!"
"Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?"
"Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor
servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning."
"You don't understand me. Have you any public people here?"
"Yes, sar--great man from town, sar--belongs to the Theatre--Mr. Fitzflam,
sar--quite the gentleman, sar."
"Thank you for the compliment" (_bowing low_).
"No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?--sell you a
ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar."
"What?"
"House expected to be full, sar--sure to sell it again, sar."
"What the devil are you talking about?"
"The play, sar--Fitzflam, sar!--there's the bill, sar, and (_bell rings_)
there's the bell, sar. Coming." (_Exit Waiter_.)
The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that
insane waiter's submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks,
and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the
next was to look at the bill, and there he saw--"horror of horrors!"--the
name, "the bright ancestral name"--the name he bore, bursting forth in all
the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion!
Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted
mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each other's heads,
each anxious to gain the "ascendant" in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the
fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith
he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked
oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was
the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment,
payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes,
ready to expose the swindle and the swindler!
The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the
supposed Roscius.
"He _is_ a sweet young man," said a simpering damsel to a red-headed
Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn
the player.
"I don't see it," responded he of the Rufusian locks.
"Such _dear_ legs!"
"_Dear_ legs--_duck_ legs you mean, miss!"
"And _such_ a voice!"
"Voice! I'll holler with him for all he's worth."
"Ha' done, do!"
"I shan't: Fitzflam's--an--umbug!"
"Sir!" exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of "that ilk."
"And Sir to you!" retorted "the child of earth with the golden hair."
"I suppose I'm a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays
to laugh at!"
"It's a tragedy, James."
"All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them."
"Hush! the curtain's up."--So it was; and "Bravo! bravo!" shouted the
ladies, and "Hurrah!" shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such
enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at
the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously
exclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen, that man's a d--d impostor! ("Turn him
out! throw him over! break his neck!" shouted the gods. "Shame shame!"
called the boxes. "You're drunk," exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat
that man is--("_Take that_!"--an apple in Fitzflam's eye.) I say he is
another ("There it is!"--in his other eye) person
altogether--a--("Boxkeeper!") Nothing of the sort; a--("Constable!") I'll
take--("Take that fellow out!") Allow me to be--("Off! off!") I
am--("'Out! out!") Let me request.--("Order! order!--hiss! hiss!--oh!
oh!--ah! ah!--phit! phit!--Booh!--booh!--wooh!--oh!--ah!")"
Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin,
while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam's eye desisted from forcing
him out of the box, to hear the "great creature" speak. Fitzfunk
commenced, "Ahem--Ladies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts
of--(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the
boxes!--("Bravo!" from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.)
Friends in the pit!--("Hurrah!" and sundry excited hats performing
extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love,
friends in the gallery!--(Raptures of applause; five minutes' whistling;
three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns
_stamped_ up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? ("Never!
never!" from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened
public? ("No! no! impossible! all fudge!") Would I attempt such a thing?
("No! no! by no manner of means!") I am, ladies and gentlemen--("Fitzflam!
Fitzflam!") I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce
them?" "No," said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out
of the pit, and getting on the stage; "Don't trouble yourself; we know
you; (_Omnes_. "Hurrah!" To Fitzflam in boxes--"Shame! shame!") _we_ will
swear to you; (_Omnes_, " Fitzflam for ever!") and--we don't care who
knows it--(_Omnes_. "Noble fellows!") we arrest you at the suit of
Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regent's-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys,
Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnival's Inn. Plaintiff claims
54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!"
It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the
Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than
elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the
audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued _vi et armis_.
As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully
double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment
of the officer's appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had
caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised
for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without
Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by
the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly
applauded and encored by the audience.
Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain
of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to
part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never
worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep
despondency, and various "ahs!" and "ohs!" A tap at the door was followed
by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The
following were its contents:--
"Sir,--It appears from this night's adventure _my name_ has heretofore
been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it
has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. _I_, as the 'real Simon
Pure,' will tell you what to do. Protest you _are not the man_. Get
witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be)
and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the
Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you
20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my
secret; I'll keep yours. Burn this.--H.F.F."
No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted.
Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam
and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he
thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and
Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that _he_ was the man of
talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in
"starring it" where he had been "_The Great Creature_."