IT is the object of this society to promote parties and splits in
general, and since of late we have perceived disunion among friends to be
not nearly so ripe as in the Bible it is plainly commanded to be, we the
members of this club have investigated the means of producing, fostering,
and invigorating strife of all kinds, whereby the society of man will be
profited much. For in a few hours we can by the means we have discovered
create so beautiful a dissension between two who have lately been
friends, that they shall never speak of one another again, and their
spirit is to be greatly admired and praised for this. And since it is
the great goddess Talebearer who has contributed especially to our
success, inasmuch as where she is not strife will cease as surely as the
fire goeth out when there is no wood to feed it, we will erect an altar
to her and perform monthly rites at her shrine in a manner hereafter to
be detailed. And all men shall do homage to her, for who is there that
hath not felt her benefits? And the rites shall be of a cheerful
character, and all the world shall be right merry, and we will write her
a hymn and Walmisley {239} shall set it to music. And any shall be
eligible to this society by only changing his name; for this is one of
its happiest hits, to give a name to each of its members arising from
some mental peculiarity (which the gods and peacemakers call “foible”),
whereby each being perpetually kept in mind of this defect and being
always willing to justify it shall raise a clamour and cause much delight
to the assembly.
And we will have suppers once a month both to do honour unto Talebearer
and to promote her interest. And the society has laid down a form of
conversation to be used at all such meetings, which shall engender
quarrellings even in the most unfavourable dispositions, and inflame the
anger of one and all; and having raised it shall set it going and start
it on so firm a basis as that it may be left safely to work its own way,
for there shall be no fear of its dying out.
And the great key to this admirable treasure-house is Self, who hath two
beautiful children, Self-Love and Self-Pride . . . We have also aided our
project much by the following contrivance, namely, that ten of the
society, the same who have the longest tongues and ears, shall make a
quorum to manage all affairs connected with it; and it is difficult to
comprehend the amount of quarrelling that shall go on at these meetings.
And the monthly suppers shall be ordered in this way: Each man must take
at least two tablespoonfuls of vinegar, which shall make the wit sharp,
or in default thereof one teaspoonful of pepper and mustard; for the rest
we leave the diet to the management of our stewards and bursars, but
after the cloth has been removed the president shall single out some one
of the company, and in a calm and friendly manner acquaint him with his
faults and advise him in what way he may best amend the same. The member
selected is compelled by the rules to remain silent for the space of
three minutes, and is then to retort and bring up six instances. He is
to call the present members to witness, and all are to take one side or
the other, so that none be neutral, and the mêlée will doubtless become
general, and we expect that much beautiful latent abusive talent will be
developed in this way. But let all this be done with an air of great
politeness, sincerity, and goodwill, at least at the commencement, for
this, when evidently fictitious, is a two-edged sword of irritation.
And if any grow weak in spirit and retreat from this society, and
afterwards repent and wish again to join, he shall be permitted to do so
on condition of repeating the words, “Oh, ah!” “Lor!” “Such is life,”
“That’s cheerful,” “He’s a lively man, is Mr. So-and-so” ten times over.
For these are refreshing and beautiful words and mean much (!), they are
the emblems of such talent.
And any members are at liberty to have small meetings among themselves,
especially to tea, whereat they may enjoy the ever fresh and pleasant
luxury of scandal and mischief-making, and prepare their accusations and
taunts for the next general meeting; and this is not only permitted but
enjoined and recommended strongly to all the members.
And sentences shall be written for the training of any young hand who
wishes to become one of us, since none can hope to arrive at once at the
pitch of perfection to which the society has brought the art. And if
that any should be heard of his own free will and invention uttering one
or more of these sentences and by these means indicate much talent in the
required direction, he shall be waited on by a committee of the club and
induced, if possible, to join us, for he will be an acquisition; and the
sentences required are such as: “I think so-and-so a very jolly fellow,
indeed I don’t know a man in the college I like better than so-and-so,
but I don’t care twopence about him, at least it is all the same to me
whether he cuts me or not.”
The beauty of this sentence is not at first appreciable, for though
self-deceit and self-satisfaction are both very powerfully demonstrated
in it, and though these are some of the society’s most vehement
supporters, yet it is the good goddess Talebearer who nourisheth the seed
of mischief thus sown.
It is also strictly forbidden by this society’s laws to form a firm
friendship grounded upon esteem and a perception of great and good
qualities in the object of one’s liking, for this kind of friendship
lasts a long time—nay, for life; but each member must have a furious and
passionate running after his friend for the time being, insomuch that he
could never part for an instant from him. And when the society sees this
it feels comfortable, for it is quite certain that its objects are being
promoted, for this cannot be brought about by any but unnatural means and
is the foundation and very soul of quarrelling. The stroking of the hair
and affectionate embracings are much recommended, for they are so manly.
And at the suppers and the rites of Talebearer each member is to drop an
anonymous opinion of some other member’s character into a common letter
box, and the president shall read them out. Each member is to defend
himself; the formula for the commencement of each speech being: “I know
who wrote that about me, and it is a very blackguardly thing of him to
say . . . ”
N.B.—Any number of persons are allowed to speak at the same time. By
these means it is hoped to restore strife and dissension to the world,
now alas! so fatally subjugated to a mean-spirited thing called Charity,
which during the last month has been perfectly rampant in the college.
Yes, we will give a helping hand to bickerings, petty jealousies,
back-bitings, and all sorts of good things, and will be as jolly as
ninepence and—who’ll be the first president?