drove the horse was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When he put
it that way I agreed to lead the right hand horse in to camp. Angus says
they call the right hand horse the off horse because the fello what
rides him is always off doin somethin else. He aint the only fello whats
off round here though. I can tell you that, Mable.
Theres a roomor around here that were going to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis
has sent for his Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter to
take with him sos he can make hisself one of those grass suits over
there. I guess the next time I rite it will be from there.
yours till then
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
I guess I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth though up to now I
thought Id swallowed it. I told you Id make you happy some day. Now Im
going to. Im comin home on a furlo.
I always wished theyd kristened me somethin besides Smith till now.
Theres a fello named Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a red
nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. His mother rote the Captin
an said she was dyin. She said she didnt expect to live more than
forty-eight (48) hours or however long it took for her son to get home.
The Captin thought it was me. He called me up an says "Smith your mother
is sinkin rapidly." I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt never
go near any place where they was water. Then he read me the letter. I
knew right away it was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin last
week on the most likely one to kill off sos he could get home.
I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. I says "Gee,
thats to bad" like I was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the only
mother I ever had Captin." I said it so sad that I almost got myself
cryin. An the Captin says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty hard an
need a change. Ill give you a ten day furlo to go home to the funeral."
Nice fello the Captin when you get to know him.
Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can borrow enough close and the
like. It seemed to me when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun
Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip the draft army. I just
been lookin over my stuff to find somethin to wear home. It makes a
fello feel half nakid.
Im going to borrow the money to buy my railroad ticket so you see the
trip aint going to cost me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone
round who aint skared to change a quarter once in a while.
Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres only one in the battery. The
fello what owns it says its made the trip north 25 times. From the looks
of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied it to the end of the train
and let it drag all the way. I guess I can fix it with rope though.
Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid fifteen dollars ($15) for. It
looks like an officers unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the guard
house so Im going to take it an not say nothin. I guess Joe'd do the
same for a pal. Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a rule
that we cant speak to prisoners.
Joe got put in the guard house for burnin down the stable tent where
they keep the horses serial. He was sittin in the stable tent while he
was on stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is a kind of night
bell hop and chamber maid to the horses. He heard the Officer of the Day
comin and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the whole thing
burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says thats what he gets for hidin his light
under a bushel. Thats a skotch joke though. I guess you wouldnt get it.
Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A spiral putty is a flannel
bandage what you wind round your leg sos nobody cant see that the
buttons is offen your trouser legs. The fello what made em must have had
queer legs cause when you get to the top there aint no place to fasten
them. I guess they were built for fellos that was goin to stand still.
As soon as you move they unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps
on one of them. Then you do em up again.
I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near two books full. Angus
says its got it all over United Segar cupons. When you get enough you
get some dandy things. I wrote the premium department at Wash. D. C.
for one of their catalogs. I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get
enough. Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it takes more stamps
than he can ever save.
Were getting some new draft men now. Between you an me there an awful
dum bunch. They dont know the difference between squads right and fall
in. I dont see how fellos can live as long as they have an not know
these simple things.
A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. All they think about is
how they can get some post cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos.
A couple of them sold there equipment the minit they was issued it.
Angus says one of them was on guard the other night and a fello came a
long. He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" an the fellow says
"Friend." An he says "Advance, friend, an give the discount." Youd
hardly believe that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you would, not
knowin nothin about the military.
So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres no sense ridin up on the
train with my own letters. I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have
it made up before we leave the station an I aint goin to get up till we
pull into Philopolis. If the fello in the upper bunk aint got sense
enough to stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and whissle
for all I care. An the lord help the porter if he calls me cause he aint
no first sargent an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats me all
over, Mable.
[Illustration: "I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK
BAG"]
I suppose your father and mother will be tickled to see me. Theyll think
Im comin home to marry you. I guess you know I would if I had time.
Besides I dont believe in gettin married before the war cause like as
not Ill be killed. I dont want you to worry though or nothin like that.
Youd be in a nice mess then though with your fathers liver on your hands
an no visibul means of support.
I got to stop now an borrow some money to come home on. I think Pat
Smiths got some. Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on his
furlo.
I just found your pictur at the bottom of my barrack bag. It gave me an
awful shock first. Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had been
sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if you did look like that.
Sense before beauty. Thats me all over, Mable.
yours till I see you
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
This is the last time Ill take my pen in hand to rite for some time. I
aint allowed to tell you why.
This letters got to be awful short cause I aint allowed to say nothin.
Theres so many spize round listenin that I aint even allowed to tell you
that we got our orders an were goin to F----e. Were goin to fight the
G----s.
I aint even allowed to tell you how were goin except that its by boat.
Even thats awful confidenshul. If the spize heard about it theyd
probably blow up all the boats sos to make sure of gettin the right one.
Angus says the top sargents got orders to take us right into the front
line trenches. I guess there goin to try an finish this thing up right
away. I guess Ill probably get killed pretty quick. Ill feel a lot
better if I know your not worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded
in a shell hole as I probably shall be.
An so now I cant come home on my furlo, Mable. I knew the Captin had a
string tied to it somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into heaven
that fello will slip through or Im mistaken. Of course I wanted to see
you but on the other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon as I get
mortally wounded Im going to rite a book about my sensashuns an then
come back an lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long.
Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to themselves. I guess the war wont
last much longer now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when one of those
big G----n shells lands on my nap-sack Ill be able to really rite you an
say "Thats me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about me.
Yours till you here the worst
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
I take up my pen to rite you. From the way I feel I dont think Ill be
takin things up much longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are goin to
France but we been goin two days now and I aint seen no land yet. Joe
Loomis thinks that theres German proper gander in it. He says that they
got us out here and there goin to keep us goin round and round till the
wars over.
It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant mail this till I get to
France. It wont be no use then cause by the looks of things now Ill
probably be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy Jones Lock Up
long before that. Thats a naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt
understand it.
As far as I can find out there sending the whole army over on this ship.
Most of them sleeps in the room with me from the noise. They got it
fixed up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. There piled up three high
and the only thing that stops them there is the roof.
Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them sore Mable to see one of
there own boats bringin over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar
people. They got sines all over the boat. On some of the doors upstairs
they got Herren painted. Youd never catch an American boat carryin fish
right on the passenger floor. On some of the other doors they got sines
what says Bad. I guess they run out of these before they came to the
place where I sleep. It dont seem reasonable to let fish have a room
with mahogohuny doors and a fello with two legs sleepin where I do. Some
of the rooms has Damen rote on them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas
above me says thats the only German he ever agreed with.
I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes though. Angus
MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got so worried because he felt all right
that he went up to see the doctor this mornin.
I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the centsor would read our
letters. I dont know who he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell
read em if we dont seal em.
I guess well get blown up before we go much further. I dont want you to
worry though. I just menshun it. You got enough on your hands with your
father in bed with his liver again and me not around to cheer you up.
Yours to the last bubble
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now that its German Proper
Gander workin. We been runnin three days now and no sign of land yet. I
wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some mornin in Chickawgo or some
other place on the Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to need
as much food as I used to, though.
Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast. Quick. Thats me all over,
Mable. Theres a few things about the boat though that I dont know yet.
For instance they got pipes comin out of the deck all over like Sibly
stoves upside down. I thought they was for rubbish. I was just remarkin
to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have such things. We was makin a
point of pickin up everything we saw and firin it down them. Then one of
the ships officers came along and you'd ought to have herd him. Youd
have thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, instead of keepin it
clean for him. He said the funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens
quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried air down to our
quarters got clogged before we started.
[ILLUSTRATION: "I DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH FOOD AS I USED TO"]
They close all the windows every night. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch
fello, says that sos the Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows
and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has of speakin of the pieces
of canvas we sleep on.
Were havin a race with another boat. Its awful close. We been racin now
ever since we started and neither of us has gained yet. I here the
engineers has a bet of five dollars on who gets in first. I dont know
who can be on the other boat cause we got the whole army on ours.
Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were liable to be sub-marined and
blown to pieces any minit. I want to get this off before we sink.
Dont worry about me.
Yours till I touch bottom
_Bill_.
MARCONIGRAM
WORLD WIDE WIRELESS
CONTINENT TO CONTINENT
SHORE TO SHIP
SHIP TO SHIP
MARCONI TELEGRAPH--CABLE CO INC.
IN CONNECTION WITH
MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANY
OF AMERICA
Received at Philopolis
Dere Mable
Not feelin well today so am sendin
this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just
somethin the matter with my stummick. Angus
MacKenzie, skotch fello says thats me all
over, Mable. I says its all over with me.
Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Mable.
Guess we'll all be sunk soon now. Itll be
a change to have something goin down. I
cant say any more cause this is costin me
1 dollar ($1) a word. Wouldnt have said
this much but I borrowed the money from Joe
Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin
foolish anyhow.
Yours through all ups and downs
Bill
_Dere Mable_:
No land yet. If wed been goin in a straight line wed have passed N. Y.
twice by this time, I suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like
this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three thousand (3000) miles
across. Thats silly though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to
Chickawgo.
My room is way down stairs in the sub cellar. All there is between me
and the bottom of the sea is the floor. If theyd stuck me down any
further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at that. Each fello has a
little blue padded straight jacket to wear while hes sinkin. There awful
heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were drownin. Joe Loomis says
there to pull us down quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says today
that when we sink all men gets into rowboats and the officers hang on to
rafts. Theres somethin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the rowboats
to see whats the matter with them.
They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I dont know where they came
from. Joe Loomis says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons on
their bonnets and do wear pants. But he aint got no call to talk about
pure skots.
We all got issued tin hats before we left. I guess theyll give us sheet
iron underclose next. It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without
hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down over your eyes and
bursts you in the nose. Thats why they charge in a walk I guess. They
got muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. If you take that
out it makes a good wash basin or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got
arguin yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and Angus claimin
that you couldnt hurt a guy what had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a
quarter. To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit him on the
bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe always was lucky. He won the quarter
and now hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the Dr. says he
aint got a chance of dyin which is more than most of us can say. I guess
theyll sink us today. I got to quit now.
Yours till the third time down,
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id know it now with my eyes
shut. It looks like we was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the
water goin past the boats. A fello told me we was in the Gulf stream. If
we are its some creek cause you cant see no banks.
We been on four days now. Im beginnin to feel like the Ainshunt Mourner.
We lie round on the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and read
books from the library. Most of them is about the lives of fellos whats
dead. That aint right for a bunch what expects to be with em any minit.
Once a day we go up on one of the upper piazzas to exercise. A fello
might as well try to swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. The
only exercise you can do without knockin off the head of the fello next
to you is eyes right and eyes left.
The Captin is always talkin about goin below. Seein how we all may any
minit, it aint no time for jokin about it. He says to me yesterday
"Smith, fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down below." Aint
that the Captin all over, Mable? He wont be satisfied till he has em all
tagged and numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy Jones Lock
Up.
Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the back of his tin lookin
glass. He lies on his bunk all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful
asses of themselves about there girls. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch
fello, had the mirror shavin the other day. It swung round while he
wasnt lookin and when he looked in it again he got an awful start.
They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just foolin with us. Perhaps it
will happen today. Dont worry though.
Yours till you here otherwise
_Bill_.
[Illustration: "JOE LOOMIS"]
_Dere Mable_:
I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus must have felt when they was
discoverin North America. Just sailin round in circles and wishin they
had never left N. Y. Were goin through an awful bumpy part of the ocean
now. Joe Loomis says theres a lot of traffic through here and these big
boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that fello is, Mable. Its
gettin colder all the time to. I wouldnt be surprised if we had got
turned north by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or somethin.
One of the boat officers is called the Executioner Officer. Every day
most he comes round and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats
the way those fellos use there awthority. Nobody dasnt contradict them.
I guess thats the way these boats make records so often, Mable. When
they see they aint goin to make a record they just shove the clock back.
Id go over in nothin if I was the Captin and get it over with quick. I
wish I could have made contracks like that when I was home. If a fello
came to me and says "Your contrack is up today" Id just look at him and
say "You must be mistaken. This is yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured
out that if we keep on losing time well get there last winter.
Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres no danger in that though,
cause if they ever find themselves workin back towards last pay day
theyll go ahead for a while.
Angus says that every time they set us back half an hour the government
skins every man out of pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. A
nickul never meant nothin to me one way or the other as you ought to
know better than any one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though?
Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this he aint goin to get
off when they sink us. He says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and
be drowned than get all wet with that ice water and then have a cold for
the rest of the war.
Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs a lot of sleep.
Yours till the war ends
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin round somethin awful all
mornin. Theres always some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said
nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, is watchin. When we
catch him you bet well give him whats what.
While we was snoopin round we just discovered somethin awful. All the
life rafts what the officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The
water would come right through. As soon as we find the fello whats
rockin the boat were goin to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell
make us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A fello told me they
threw these rafts over the side when the ship was sinkin. As far as I
can see if a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they fling one
of these on his bean. Im going to wear my tin hat you bet.
They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on them along the sides from
the top floor down to the water. A fello told me they was to climb down
when all the rowboats was gone. Some fellos is in an awful hurry to get
drowned. If there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath Im goin to
keep em waitin as long as I can. The fello what hung em must have had
arms like a munkey cause there hangin about six feet from the side.
These Germans must have been awful tanks, Mable. They got one whole
floor they call saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. When
they made the ship over they had to get rid of all the luxuries to make
room. They got the bars out of the saloons and the officers eat there.
A fello came down stairs the other night and told us about the war. He
said we was all comin over to fight to make the world safe for the
Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father must be an ailin enemy.
Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk pretty soon were goin to
get there. I guess then I wont be able to rite you for a few days cause
itll take me a little while to get settled in the trenches and get my
dug out fixed up nice. I hope they give us a part of the line near the
station cause I dont like those troop trains.
Yours till I write again
_Bill_.
_Dere Mable_:
I thought the fishes would be buildin nests in my ears long before I
rote this. What do you suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to look
you in the face again. Were right near land and aint so much as seen a
Perryskope. An here I been runnin round in my Drowning Jacket for seven
days like a fello wearin his shroud down to his office a week before he
dies. I hope you aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the laugh
on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really cant blame me. I took these
other fellos word for it.
I aint the only goat thats been wearin my Drowning Jacket round though.
They all had to and most of them slept in them. The tailor what designed
these must have been a boiler maker once. If there vests there too short
an if there coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump runnin down the
backbone. I know now how a horse feels when he tries to roll over.
Besides the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle of water on a
string all the time. I suppose if there was not enough water to drown
us all we could empty out these.
Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell you just where. This is
partly because I dont know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, but
Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it aint London. He thinks its
Paris. I dont think so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel Tower.
You want to be careful when you address letters to me. If you address me
too plain there liable to get to me and you cant tell who might be
lookin. About all you can say on the address as far as I can find out is
Bill Smith, A. E. F., which means Am Expecting Flowers.
I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore and the Sanitary Officer
ast me to help him sweep out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of
course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all over, Mable. As soon as I
get ashore Im going to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so much
about. I dont know when Ill be able to write to you again cause I
understand theres a battle on now so I guess Ill be pretty busy for some
time to come.
Yours till I rite again,
_Bill_.
[Illustration: "THE TAILOR MUST HAVE BEEN A BOILER MAKER ONCE"]
MABLE TO BILL
_Dearest William_:
Your letter received and contents noted. Through Spiritual Channels you
have been with me ever since the momentous day we parted, and all I can
say is, "May God in His infinite mercy watch over and take care of you,
until you have been delivered safely into my arms."
Ever Thine,
_Mable_.
P.S.--_Bill_:
Am going round with a new swell John and he writ this fer me. Itll make
the fellos think Im a swell dame when you show it to them. Tear off this
p. s. part. What's the matter, are you broke? You dont put no more
stamps on your letters. Rite again.
Yours as long as you stay away,
_Mable_.
DERE MABLE
LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By Lieut. EDWARD STREETER
The best selling book of 1918, 550,000 in 8 months. For genuine humor
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With 35 illustrations by Corp. "BILL" BRECK Boards, 12mo, net 75c
_The Navy "Dere Mable"_ BILTMORE OSWALD The Diary of a Hapless Recruit
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Publishers FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY New York
READ AND LAUGH!
_Dere Mable_
LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE By E. STREETER
_Written and illustrated by two men of the 27th Division while at Camp
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15TH PRINTING, COMPLETING 550,000
One Long Riot of Laughter
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_The_ DIARY OF A HAPLESS RECRUIT _by_ J THORN SMITH U.S.N.R.F.