As I brisked out of bed the following morning at half-after six, I
could not but wonder rather nervously what the day might have in store
for me. I was obliged to admit that what I was in for looked a bit
thick. As I opened my door I heard stealthy footsteps down the hall
and looked out in time to observe Cousin Egbert entering his own room.
It was not this that startled me. He would have been abroad, I knew,
for the ham and eggs that were forbidden him. Yet I stood aghast, for
with the lounge-suit of tweeds I had selected the day before he had
worn his top-hat! I am aware that these things I relate of him may not
be credited. I can only put them down in all sincerity.
I hastened to him and removed the thing from his head. I fear it was
not with the utmost deference, for I have my human moments.
“It’s not done, sir,” I protested. He saw that I was offended.
“All right, sir,” he replied meekly. “But how was I to know? I thought
it kind of set me off.” He referred to it as a “stove-pipe” hat. I
knew then that I should find myself overlooking many things in him. He
was not a person one could be stern with, and I even promised that
Mrs. Effie should not be told of his offence, he promising in turn
never again to stir abroad without first submitting himself to me and
agreeing also to wear sock-suspenders from that day forth. I saw,
indeed, that diplomacy might work wonders with him.
At breakfast in the drawing-room, during which Cousin Egbert earned
warm praise from Mrs. Effie for his lack of appetite (he winking
violently at me during this), I learned that I should be expected to
accompany him to a certain art gallery which corresponds to our
British Museum. I was a bit surprised, indeed, to learn that he
largely spent his days there, and was accustomed to make notes of the
various objects of interest.
“I insisted,” explained Mrs. Effie, “that he should absorb all the
culture he could on his trip abroad, so I got him a notebook in which
he puts down his impressions, and I must say he’s done fine. Some of
his remarks are so good that when he gets home I may have him read a
paper before our Onwards and Upwards Club.”
Cousin Egbert wriggled modestly at this and said: “Shucks!” which I
took to be a term of deprecation.
“You needn’t pretend,” said Mrs. Effie. “Just let Ruggles here look
over some of the notes you have made,” and she handed me a notebook of
ruled paper in which there was a deal of writing. I glanced, as
bidden, at one or two of the paragraphs, and confess that I, too, was
amazed at the fluency and insight displayed along lines in which I
should have thought the man entirely uninformed. “This choice work
represents the first or formative period of the Master,” began one
note, “but distinctly foreshadows that later method which made him at
once the hope and despair of his contemporaries. In the ‘Portrait of
the Artist by Himself’ we have a canvas that well repays patient
study, since here is displayed in its full flower that ruthless
realism, happily attenuated by a superbly subtle delicacy of brush
work----” It was really quite amazing, and I perceived for the first
time that Cousin Egbert must be “a diamond in the rough,” as the
well-known saying has it. I felt, indeed, that I would be very pleased
to accompany him on one of his instructive strolls through this
gallery, for I have always been of a studious habit and anxious to
improve myself in the fine arts.
“You see?” asked Mrs. Effie, when I had perused this fragment. “And
yet folks back home would tell you that he’s just a----” Cousin Egbert
here coughed alarmingly. “No matter,” she continued. “He’ll show them
that he’s got something in him, mark my words.”
“Quite so, Madam,” I said, “and I shall consider it a privilege to be
present when he further prosecutes his art studies.”
“You may keep him out till dinner-time,” she continued. “I’m shopping
this morning, and in the afternoon I shall motor to have tea in the
Boy with the Senator and Mr. Nevil Vane-Basingwell.”
Presently, then, my charge and I set out for what I hoped was to be a
peaceful and instructive day among objects of art, though first I was
obliged to escort him to a hatter’s and glover’s to remedy some minor
discrepancies in his attire. He was very pleased when I permitted him
to select his own hat. I was safe in this, as the shop was really
artists in gentlemen’s headwear, and carried only shapes, I observed,
that were confined to exclusive firms so as to insure their being worn
by the right set. As to gloves and a stick, he was again rather
pettish and had to be set right with some firmness. He declared he had
lost his stick and gloves of the previous day. I discovered later that
he had presented them to the lift attendant. But I soon convinced him
that he would not be let to appear without these adjuncts to a
gentleman’s toilet.
Then, having once more stood by at the barber’s while he was shaved
and his moustaches firmly waxed anew, I saw that he was fit at last
for his art studies. The barber this day suggested curling the
moustaches with a heated iron, but at this my charge fell into so
unseemly a rage that I deemed it wise not to insist. He, indeed,
bluntly threatened a nameless violence to the barber if he were so
much as touched with the iron, and revealed an altogether shocking
gift for profanity, saying loudly: “I’ll be--dashed--if you will!” I
mean to say, I have written “dashed” for what he actually said. But at
length I had him once more quieted.
“Now, sir,” I said, when I had got him from the barber’s shop, to the
barber’s manifest relief: “I fancy we’ve time to do a few objects of
art before luncheon. I’ve the book here for your comments,” I added.
“Quite so,” he replied, and led me at a rapid pace along the street in
what I presumed was the direction of the art museum. At the end of a
few blocks he paused at one of those open-air public houses that
disgracefully line the streets of the French capital. I mean to say
that chairs and tables are set out upon the pavement in the most
brazen manner and occupied by the populace, who there drink their
silly beverages and idle away their time. After scanning the score or
so of persons present, even at so early an hour as ten of the morning,
he fell into one of the iron chairs at one of the iron tables and
motioned me to another at his side.
When I had seated myself he said “Beer” to the waiter who appeared,
and held up two fingers.
“Now, look at here,” he resumed to me, “this is a good place to do
about four pages of art, and then we can go out and have some
recreation somewhere.” Seeing that I was puzzled, he added: “This
way--you take that notebook and write in it out of this here other
book till I think you’ve done enough, then I’ll tell you to stop.” And
while I was still bewildered, he drew from an inner pocket a small,
well-thumbed volume which I took from him and saw to be entitled “One
Hundred Masterpieces of the Louvre.”
“Open her about the middle,” he directed, “and pick out something that
begins good, like ‘Here the true art-lover will stand entranced----’
You got to write it, because I guess you can write faster than what I
can. I’ll tell her I dictated to you. Get a hustle on now, so’s we can
get through. Write down about four pages of that stuff.”
Stunned I was for a moment at his audacity. Too plainly I saw through
his deception. Each day, doubtless, he had come to a low place of this
sort and copied into the notebook from the printed volume.
“But, sir,” I protested, “why not at least go to the gallery where
these art objects are stored? Copy the notes there if that must be
done.”
“I don’t know where the darned place is,” he confessed. “I did start
for it the first day, but I run into a Punch and Judy show in a little
park, and I just couldn’t get away from it, it was so comical, with
all the French kids hollering their heads off at it. Anyway, what’s
the use? I’d rather set here in front of this saloon, where everything
is nice.”
“It’s very extraordinary, sir,” I said, wondering if I oughtn’t to cut
off to the hotel and warn Mrs. Effie so that she might do a heated
foot to him, as he had once expressed it.
“Well, I guess I’ve got my rights as well as anybody,” he insisted.
“I’ll be pushed just so far and no farther, not if I never get any
more cultured than a jack-rabbit. And now you better go on and write
or I’ll be--dashed--if I’ll ever wear another thing you tell me to.”
He had a most bitter and dangerous expression on his face, so I
thought best to humour him once more. Accordingly I set about writing
in his notebook from the volume of criticism he had supplied.
“Change a word now and then and skip around here and there,” he
suggested as I wrote, “so’s it’ll sound more like me.”
“Quite so, sir,” I said, and continued to transcribe from the printed
page. I was beginning the fifth page in the notebook, being in the
midst of an enthusiastic description of the bit of statuary entitled
“The Winged Victory,” when I was startled by a wild yell in my ear.
Cousin Egbert had leaped to his feet and now danced in the middle of
the pavement, waving his stick and hat high in the air and shouting
incoherently. At once we attracted the most undesirable attention from
the loungers about us, the waiters and the passers-by in the street,
many of whom stopped at once to survey my charge with the liveliest
interest. It was then I saw that he had merely wished to attract the
attention of some one passing in a cab. Half a block down the
boulevard I saw a man likewise waving excitedly, standing erect in the
cab to do so. The cab thereupon turned sharply, came back on the
opposite side of the street, crossed over to us, and the occupant
alighted.
He was an American, as one might have fancied from his behaviour, a
tall, dark-skinned person, wearing a drooping moustache after the
former style of Cousin Egbert, supplemented by an imperial. He wore a
loose-fitting suit of black which had evidently received no proper
attention from the day he purchased it. Under a folded collar he wore
a narrow cravat tied in a bowknot, and in the bosom of his white shirt
there sparkled a diamond such as might have come from a collection of
crown-jewels. This much I had time to notice as he neared us. Cousin
Egbert had not ceased to shout, nor had he paid the least attention to
my tugs at his coat. When the cab’s occupant descended to the pavement
they fell upon each other and did for some moments a wild dance such
as I imagine they might have seen the red Indians of western America
perform. Most savagely they punched each other, calling out in the
meantime: “Well, old horse!” and “Who’d ever expected to see you here,
darn your old skin!” (Their actual phrases, be it remembered.)
The crowd, I was glad to note, fell rapidly away, many of them
shrugging their shoulders in a way the French have, and even the
waiters about us quickly lost interest in the pair, as if they were
hardened to the sight of Americans greeting one another. The two were
still saying: “Well! well!” rather breathlessly, but had become a bit
more coherent.
“Jeff Tuttle, you--dashed--old long-horn!” exclaimed Cousin Egbert.
“Good old Sour-dough!” exploded the other. “Ain’t this just like old
home week!”
“I thought mebbe you wouldn’t know me with all my beadwork and my new
war-bonnet on,” continued Cousin Egbert.
“Know you, why, you knock-kneed old Siwash, I could pick out your hide
in a tanyard!”
“Well, well, well!” replied Cousin Egbert.
“Well, well, well!” said the other, and again they dealt each other
smart blows.
“Where’d you turn up from?” demanded Cousin Egbert.
“Europe,” said the other. “We been all over Europe and Italy--just
come from some place up over the divide where they talk Dutch, the
Madam and the two girls and me, with the Reverend Timmins and his wife
riding line on us. Say, he’s an out-and-out devil for cathedrals--it’s
just one church after another with him--Baptist, Methodist,
Presbyterian, Lutheran, takes ‘em all in--never overlooks a bet. He’s
got Addie and the girls out now. My gosh! it’s solemn work! Me? I
ducked out this morning.”
“How’d you do it?”
“Told the little woman I had to have a tooth pulled--I was working it
up on the train all day yesterday. Say, what you all rigged out like
that for, Sour-dough, and what you done to your face?”
Cousin Egbert here turned to me in some embarrassment. “Colonel
Ruggles, shake hands with my friend Jeff Tuttle from the State of
Washington.”
“Pleased to meet you, Colonel,” said the other before I could explain
that I had no military title whatever, never having, in fact, served
our King, even in the ranks. He shook my hand warmly.
“Any friend of Sour-dough Floud’s is all right with me,” he assured
me. “What’s the matter with having a drink?”
“Say, listen here! I wouldn’t have to be blinded and backed into it,”
said Cousin Egbert, enigmatically, I thought, but as they sat down I,
too, seated myself. Something within me had sounded a warning. As well
as I know it now I knew then in my inmost soul that I should summon
Mrs. Effie before matters went farther.
“Beer is all I know how to say,” suggested Cousin Egbert.
“Leave that to me,” said his new friend masterfully. “Where’s the boy?
Here, boy! Veesky-soda! That’s French for high-ball,” he explained.
“I’ve had to pick up a lot of their lingo.”
Cousin Egbert looked at him admiringly. “Good old Jeff!” he said
simply. He glanced aside to me for a second with downright hostility,
then turned back to his friend. “Something tells me, Jeff, that this
is going to be the first happy day I’ve had since I crossed the state
line. I’ve been pestered to death, Jeff--what with Mrs. Effie after me
to improve myself so’s I can be a social credit to her back in Red
Gap, and learn to wear clothes and go without my breakfast and attend
art galleries. If you’d stand by me I’d throw her down good and hard
right now, but you know what she is----”
“I sure do,” put in Mr. Tuttle so fervently that I knew he spoke the
truth. “That woman can bite through nails. But here’s your drink,
Sour-dough. Maybe it will cheer you up.”
Extraordinary! I mean to say, biting through nails.
“Three rousing cheers!” exclaimed Cousin Egbert with more animation
than I had ever known him display.
“Here’s looking at you, Colonel,” said his friend to me, whereupon I
partook of the drink, not wishing to offend him. Decidedly he was not
vogue. His hat was remarkable, being of a black felt with high crown
and a wide and flopping brim. Across his waistcoat was a watch-chain
of heavy links, with a weighty charm consisting of a sculptured gold
horse in full gallop. That sort of thing would never do with us.
“Here, George,” he immediately called to the waiter, for they had
quickly drained their glasses, “tell the bartender three more. By
gosh! but that’s good, after the way I’ve been held down.”
“Me, too,” said Cousin Egbert. “I didn’t know how to say it in
French.”
“The Reverend held me down,” continued the Tuttle person. “‘A glass of
native wine,’ he says, ‘may perhaps be taken now and then without
harm.’ ‘Well,’ I says, ‘leave us have ales, wines, liquors, and
cigars,’ I says, but not him. I’d get a thimbleful of elderberry wine
or something about every second Friday, except when I’d duck out the
side door of a church and find some caffy. Here, George, foomer,
foomer--bring us some seegars, and then stay on that spot--I may want
you.”
“Well, well!” said Cousin Egbert again, as if the meeting were still
incredible.
“You old stinging-lizard!” responded the other affectionately. The
cigars were brought and I felt constrained to light one.
“The State of Washington needn’t ever get nervous over the prospect of
losing me,” said the Tuttle person, biting off the end of his cigar.
I gathered at once that the Americans have actually named one of our
colonies “Washington” after the rebel George Washington, though one
would have thought that the indelicacy of this would have been only
too apparent. But, then, I recalled, as well, the city where their
so-called parliament assembles, Washington, D. C. Doubtless the
initials indicate that it was named in “honour” of another member of
this notorious family. I could not but reflect how shocked our King
would be to learn of this effrontery.
Cousin Egbert, who had been for some moments moving his lips without
sound, here spoke:
“I’m going to try it myself,” he said. “Here, Charley, veesky-soda! He
made me right off,” he continued as the waiter disappeared. “Say,
Jeff, I bet I could have learned a lot of this language if I’d had
some one like you around.”
“Well, it took me some time to get the accent,” replied the other with
a modesty which I could detect was assumed. More acutely than ever was
I conscious of a psychic warning to separate these two, and I resolved
to act upon it with the utmost diplomacy. The third whiskey and soda
was served us.
“Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert.
“Here’s looking at you!” said the other, and I drank. When my glass was
drained I arose briskly and said:
“I think we should be getting along now, sir, if Mr. Tuttle will be
good enough to excuse us.” They both stared at me.
“Yes, sir--I fancy not, sir,” said Cousin Egbert.
“Stop your kidding, you fat rascal!” said the other.
“Old Bill means all right,” said Cousin Egbert, “so don’t let him
irritate you. Bill’s our new hired man. He’s all right--just let him
talk along.”
“Can’t he talk setting down?” asked the other. “Does he have to stand
up every time he talks? Ain’t that a good chair?” he demanded of me.
“Here, take mine,” and to my great embarrassment he arose and offered
me his chair in such a manner that I felt moved to accept it.
Thereupon he took the chair I had vacated and beamed upon us, “Now
that we’re all home-folks, together once more, I would suggest a bit
of refreshment. Boy, veesky-soda!”
“I fancy so, sir,” said Cousin Egbert, dreamily contemplating me as
the order was served. I was conscious even then that he seemed to be
studying my attire with a critical eye, and indeed he remarked as if
to himself: “What a coat!” I was rather shocked by this, for my suit
was quite a decent lounge-suit that had become too snug for the
Honourable George some two years before. Yet something warned me to
ignore the comment.
“Three rousing cheers!” he said as the drink was served.
“Here’s looking at you!” said the Tuttle person.
And again I drank with them, against my better judgment, wondering if
I might escape long enough to be put through to Mrs. Floud on the
telephone. Too plainly the situation was rapidly getting out of hand,
and yet I hesitated. The Tuttle person under an exterior geniality was
rather abrupt. And, moreover, I now recalled having observed a person
much like him in manner and attire in a certain cinema drama of the
far Wild West. He had been a constable or sheriff in the piece and had
subdued a band of armed border ruffians with only a small pocket
pistol. I thought it as well not to cross him.
When they had drunk, each one again said, “Well! well!”
“You old maverick!” said Cousin Egbert.
“You--dashed--old horned toad!” responded his friend.
“What’s the matter with a little snack?”
“Not a thing on earth. My appetite ain’t been so powerful craving
since Heck was a pup.”
These were their actual words, though it may not be believed. The
Tuttle person now approached his cabman, who had waited beside the
curb.
“Say, Frank,” he began, “Ally restorong,” and this he supplemented
with a crude but informing pantomime of one eating. Cousin Egbert was
already seated in the cab, and I could do nothing but follow. “Ally
restorong!” commanded our new friend in a louder tone, and the cabman
with an explosion of understanding drove rapidly off.
“It’s a genuine wonder to me how you learned the language so quick,”
said Cousin Egbert.
“It’s all in the accent,” protested the other. I occupied a narrow
seat in the front. Facing me in the back seat, they lolled easily and
smoked their cigars. Down the thronged boulevard we proceeded at a
rapid pace and were passing presently before an immense gray edifice
which I recognized as the so-called Louvre from its illustration on
the cover of Cousin Egbert’s art book. He himself regarded it with
interest, though I fancy he did not recognize it, for, waving his
cigar toward it, he announced to his friend:
“The Public Library.” His friend surveyed the building with every sign
of approval.
“That Carnegie is a hot sport, all right,” he declared warmly. “I’ll
bet that shack set him back some.”
“Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert, without point that I could
detect.
We now crossed their Thames over what would have been Westminster
Bridge, I fancy, and were presently bowling through a sort of
Battersea part of the city. The streets grew quite narrow and the
shops smaller, and I found myself wondering not without alarm what
sort of restaurant our abrupt friend had chosen.
“Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert from time to time, with
almost childish delight.
Debouching from a narrow street again into what the French term a
boulevard, we halted before what was indeed a restaurant, for several
tables were laid on the pavement before the door, but I saw at once
that it was anything but a nice place. “Au Rendezvous des Cochers
Fideles,” read the announcement on the flap of the awning, and truly
enough it was a low resort frequented by cabbies--“The meeting-place
of faithful coachmen.” Along the curb half a score of horses were
eating from their bags, while their drivers lounged before the place,
eating, drinking, and conversing excitedly in their grotesque jargon.
We descended, in spite of the repellent aspect of the place, and our
driver went to the foot of the line, where he fed his own horse.
Cousin Egbert, already at one of the open-air tables, was rapping
smartly for a waiter.
“What’s the matter with having just one little one before grub?” asked
the Tuttle person as we joined him. He had a most curious fashion of
speech. I mean to say, when he suggested anything whatsoever he
invariably wished to know what might be the matter with it.
“Veesky-soda!” demanded Cousin Egbert of the serving person who now
appeared, “and ask your driver to have one,” he then urged his friend.
The latter hereupon addressed the cabman who had now come up.
“Vooley-voos take something!” he demanded, and the cabman appeared to
accept.
“Vooley-voos your friends take something, too?” he demanded further,
with a gesture that embraced all the cabmen present, and these, too,
appeared to accept with the utmost cordiality.
“You’re a wonder, Jeff,” said Cousin Egbert. “You talk it like a
professor.”
“It come natural to me,” said the fellow, “and it’s a good thing, too.
If you know a little French you can go all over Europe without a bit
of trouble.”
Inside the place was all activity, for many cabmen were now accepting
the proffered hospitality, and calling “votry santy!” to their host,
who seemed much pleased. Then to my amazement Cousin Egbert insisted
that our cabman should sit at table with us. I trust I have as little
foolish pride as most people, but this did seem like crowding it on a
bit thick. In fact, it looked rather dicky. I was glad to remember
that we were in what seemed to be the foreign quarter of the town,
where it was probable that no one would recognize us. The drink came,
though our cabman refused the whiskey and secured a bottle of native
wine.
“Three rousing cheers!” said Cousin Egbert as we drank once more, and
added as an afterthought, “What a beautiful world we live in!”
“Vooley-voos make-um bring dinner!” said the Tuttle person to the
cabman, who thereupon spoke at length in his native tongue to the
waiter. By this means we secured a soup that was not half bad and
presently a stew of mutton which Cousin Egbert declared was “some
goo.” To my astonishment I ate heartily, even in such raffish
surroundings. In fact, I found myself pigging it with the rest of
them. With coffee, cigars were brought from the tobacconist’s
next-door, each cabman present accepting one. Our own man was plainly
feeling a vast pride in his party, and now circulated among his
fellows with an account of our merits.
“This is what I call life,” said the Tuttle person, leaning back in
his chair.
“I’m coming right back here every day,” declared Cousin Egbert
happily.
“What’s the matter with a little drive to see some well-known objects
of interest?” inquired his friend.
“Not art galleries,” insisted Cousin Egbert.
“And not churches,” said his friend. “Every day’s been Sunday with me
long enough.”
“And not clothing stores,” said Cousin Egbert firmly. “The Colonel
here is awful fussy about my clothes,” he added.
“Is, heh?” inquired his friend. “How do you like this hat of mine?” he
asked, turning to me. It was that sudden I nearly fluffed the catch,
but recovered myself in time.
“I should consider it a hat of sound wearing properties, sir,” I said.
He took it off, examined it carefully, and replaced it.
“So far, so good,” he said gravely. “But why be fussy about clothes
when God has given you only one life to live?”
“Don’t argue about religion,” warned Cousin Egbert.
“I always like to see people well dressed, sir,” I said, “because it
makes such a difference in their appearance.”
He slapped his thigh fiercely. “My gosh! that’s true. He’s got you
there, Sour-dough. I never thought of that.”
“He makes me wear these chest-protectors on my ankles,” said Cousin
Egbert bitterly, extending one foot.
“What’s the matter of taking a little drive to see some well-known
objects of interest?” said his friend.
“Not art galleries,” said Cousin Egbert firmly.
“We said that before--and not churches.”
“And not gents’ furnishing goods.”
“You said that before.”
“Well, you said not churches before.”
“Well, what’s the matter with taking a little drive?”
“Not art galleries,” insisted Cousin Egbert. The thing seemed
interminable. I mean to say, they went about the circle as before. It
looked to me as if they were having a bit of a spree.
“We’ll have one last drink,” said the Tuttle person.
“No,” said Cousin Egbert firmly, “not another drop. Don’t you see the
condition poor Bill here is in?” To my amazement he was referring to
me. Candidly, he was attempting to convey the impression that I had
taken a drop too much. The other regarded me intently.
“Pickled,” he said.
“Always affects him that way,” said Cousin Egbert. “He’s got no head
for it.”
“Beg pardon, sir,” I said, wishing to explain, but this I was not let
to do.
“Don’t start anything like that here,” broke in the Tuttle person,
“the police wouldn’t stand for it. Just keep quiet and remember you’re
among friends.”
“Yes, sir; quite so, sir,” said I, being somewhat puzzled by these
strange words. “I was merely----”
“Look out, Jeff,” warned Cousin Egbert, interrupting me; “he’s a devil
when he starts.”
“Have you got a knife?” demanded the other suddenly.
“I fancy so, sir,” I answered, and produced from my waistcoat pocket
the small metal-handled affair I have long carried. This he quickly
seized from me.
“You can keep your gun,” he remarked, “but you can’t be trusted with
this in your condition. I ain’t afraid of a gun, but I am afraid of a
knife. You could have backed me off the board any time with this
knife.”
“Didn’t I tell you?” asked Cousin Egbert.
“Beg pardon, sir,” I began, for this was drawing it quite too thick,
but again he interrupted me.
“We’d better get him away from this place right off,” he said.
“A drive in the fresh air might fix him,” suggested Cousin Egbert.
“He’s as good a scout as you want to know when he’s himself.”
Hereupon, calling our waiting cabman, they both, to my embarrassment,
assisted me to the vehicle.
“Ally caffy!” directed the Tuttle person, and we were driven off, to
the raised hats of the remaining cabmen, through many long, quiet
streets.
“I wouldn’t have had this happen for anything,” said Cousin Egbert,
indicating me.
“Lucky I got that knife away from him,” said the other.
To this I thought it best to remain silent, it being plain that the
men were both well along, so to say.
The cab now approached an open square from which issued discordant
blasts of music. One glance showed it to be a street fair. I prayed
that we might pass it, but my companions hailed it with delight and at
once halted the cabby.
“Ally caffy on the corner,” directed the Tuttle person, and once more
we were seated at an iron table with whiskey and soda ordered. Before
us was the street fair in all its silly activity. There were many
tinselled booths at which games of chance or marksmanship were played,
or at which articles of ornament or household decoration were
displayed for sale, and about these were throngs of low-class French
idling away their afternoon in that mad pursuit of pleasure which is
so characteristic of this race. In the centre of the place was a
carrousel from which came the blare of a steam orchestrion playing the
“Marseillaise,” one of their popular songs. From where I sat I could
perceive the circle of gaudily painted beasts that revolved about this
musical atrocity. A fashion of horses seemed to predominate, but there
was also an ostrich (a bearded Frenchman being astride this bird for
the moment), a zebra, a lion, and a gaudily emblazoned giraffe. I
shuddered as I thought of the evil possibilities that might be
suggested to my two companions by this affair. For the moment I was
pleased to note that they had forgotten my supposed indisposition, yet
another equally absurd complication ensued when the drink arrived.
“Say, don’t your friend ever loosen up?” asked the Tuttle person of
Cousin Egbert.
“Tighter than Dick’s hatband,” replied the latter.
“And then some! He ain’t bought once. Say, Bo,” he continued to me as
I was striving to divine the drift of these comments, “have I got my
fingers crossed or not?”
Seeing that he held one hand behind him I thought to humour him by
saying, “I fancy so, sir.”
“He means ‘yes,’” said Cousin Egbert.
The other held his hand before me with the first two fingers spread
wide apart. “You lost,” he said. “How’s that, Sour-dough? We stuck him
the first rattle out of the box.”
“Good work,” said Cousin Egbert. “You’re stuck for this round,” he
added to me. “Three rousing cheers!”
I readily perceived that they meant me to pay the score, which I
accordingly did, though I at once suspected the fairness of the game.
I mean to say, if my opponent had been a trickster he could easily
have rearranged his fingers to defeat me before displaying them. I do
not say it was done in this instance. I am merely pointing out that it
left open a way to trickery. I mean to say, one would wish to be
assured of his opponent’s social standing before playing this game
extensively.
No sooner had we finished the drink than the Tuttle person said to me:
“I’ll give you one chance to get even. I’ll guess your fingers this
time.” Accordingly I put one hand behind me and firmly crossed the
fingers, fancying that he would guess them to be uncrossed. Instead of
which he called out “Crossed,” and I was obliged to show them in that
wise, though, as before pointed out, I could easily have defeated him
by uncrossing them before revealing my hand. I mean to say, it is not
on the face of it a game one would care to play with casual
acquaintances, and I questioned even then in my own mind its
prevalence in the States. (As a matter of fact, I may say that in my
later life in the States I could find no trace of it, and now believe
it to have been a pure invention on the part of the Tuttle person. I
mean to say, I later became convinced that it was, properly speaking,
not a game at all.)
Again they were hugely delighted at my loss and rapped smartly on the
table for more drink, and now to my embarrassment I discovered that I
lacked the money to pay for this “round” as they would call it.
“Beg pardon, sir,” said I discreetly to Cousin Egbert, “but if you
could let me have a bit of change, a half-crown or so----” To my
surprise he regarded me coldly and shook his head emphatically in the
negative.
“Not me,” he said; “I’ve been had too often. You’re a good smooth
talker and you may be all right, but I can’t take a chance at my time
of life.”
“What’s he want now?” asked the other.
“The old story,” said Cousin Egbert: “come off and left his purse on
the hatrack or out in the woodshed some place.” This was the height of
absurdity, for I had said nothing of the sort.
“I was looking for something like that,” said the other “I never make
a mistake in faces. You got a watch there haven’t you?”
“Yes, sir,” I said, and laid on the table my silver English
half-hunter with Albert. They both fell to examining this with
interest, and presently the Tuttle person spoke up excitedly:
“Well, darn my skin if he ain’t got a genuine double Gazottz. How did
you come by this, my man?” he demanded sharply.
“It came from my brother-in-law, sir,” I explained, “six years ago as
security for a trifling loan.”
“He sounds honest enough,” said the Tuttle person to Cousin Egbert.
“Yes, but maybe it ain’t a regular double Gazottz,” said the latter.
“The market is flooded with imitations.”
“No, sir, I can’t be fooled on them boys,” insisted the other.
“Blindfold me and I could pick a double Gazottz out every time. I’m
going to take a chance on it, anyway.” Whereupon the fellow pocketed
my watch and from his wallet passed me a note of the so-called French
money which I was astounded to observe was for the equivalent of four
pounds, or one hundred francs, as the French will have it. “I’ll
advance that much on it,” he said, “but don’t ask for another cent
until I’ve had it thoroughly gone over by a plumber. It may have moths
in it.”
It seemed to me that the chap was quite off his head, for the watch
was worth not more than ten shillings at the most, though what a
double Gazottz might be I could not guess. However, I saw it would be
wise to appear to accept the loan, and tendered the note in payment of
the score.
When I had secured the change I sought to intimate that we should be
leaving. I thought even the street fair would be better for us than
this rapid consumption of stimulants.
“I bet he’d go without buying,” said Cousin Egbert.
“No, he wouldn’t,” said the other. “He knows what’s customary in a
case like this. He’s just a little embarrassed. Wait and see if I
ain’t right.” At which they both sat and stared at me in silence for
some moments until at last I ordered more drink, as I saw was expected
of me.
“He wants the cabman to have one with him,” said Cousin Egbert,
whereat the other not only beckoned our cabby to join us, but called
to two labourers who were passing, and also induced the waiter who
served us to join in the “round.”
“He seems to have a lot of tough friends,” said Cousin Egbert as we
all drank, though he well knew I had extended none of these
invitations.
“Acts like a drunken sailor soon as he gets a little money,” said the
other.
“Three rousing cheers!” replied Cousin Egbert, and to my great chagrin
he leaped to his feet, seized one of the navvies about the waist, and
there on the public pavement did a crude dance with him to the strain
of the “Marseillaise” from the steam orchestrion. Not only this, but
when the music had ceased he traded hats with the navvy, securing a
most shocking affair in place of the new one, and as they parted he
presented the fellow with the gloves and stick I had purchased for him
that very morning. As I stared aghast at this _faux pas_ the navvy,
with his new hat at an angle and twirling the stick, proceeded down the
street with mincing steps and exaggerated airs of gentility, to the
applause of the entire crowd, including Cousin Egbert.
“This ain’t quite the hat I want,” he said as he returned to us, “but
the day is young. I’ll have other chances,” and with the help of the
public-house window as a mirror he adjusted the unmentionable thing
with affectations of great nicety.
“He always was a dressy old scoundrel,” remarked the Tuttle person.
And then, as the music came to us once more, he continued: “Say,
Sour-dough, let’s go over to the rodeo--they got some likely looking
broncs over there.”
Arm in arm, accordingly, they crossed the street and proceeded to the
carrousel, first warning the cabby and myself to stay by them lest
harm should come to us. What now ensued was perhaps their most
remarkable behaviour at the day. At the time I could account for it
only by the liquor they had consumed, but later experience in the
States convinced me that they were at times consciously spoofing. I
mean to say, it was quite too absurd--their seriously believing what
they seemed to believe.
The carrousel being at rest when we approached, they gravely examined
each one of the painted wooden effigies, looking into such of the
mouths as were open, and cautiously feeling the forelegs of the
different mounts, keeping up an elaborate pretence the while that the
beasts were real and that they were in danger of being kicked. One
absurdly painted horse they agreed would be the most difficult to
ride. Examining his mouth, they disputed as to his age, and called the
cabby to have his opinion of the thing’s fetlocks, warning each other
to beware of his rearing. The cabby, who was doubtless also
intoxicated, made an equal pretence of the beast’s realness, and
indulged, I gathered, in various criticisms of its legs at great
length.
“I think he’s right,” remarked the Tuttle person when the cabby had
finished. “It’s a bad case of splints. The leg would be blistered if I
had him.”
“I wouldn’t give him corral room,” said Cousin Egbert. “He’s a bad
actor. Look at his eye! Whoa! there--you would, would you!” Here he
made a pretence that the beast had seized him by the shoulder. “He’s a
man-eater! What did I tell you? Keep him away!”
“I’ll take that out of him,” said the Tuttle person. “I’ll show him
who’s his master.”
“You ain’t never going to try to ride him, Jeff? Think of the wife and
little ones!”
“You know me, Sour-dough. No horse never stepped out from under me
yet. I’ll not only ride him, but I’ll put a silver dollar in each
stirrup and give you a thousand for each one I lose and a thousand for
every time I touch leather.”
Cousin Egbert here began to plead tearfully:
“Don’t do it, Jeff--come on around here. There’s a big five-year-old
roan around here that will be safe as a church for you. Let that pinto
alone. They ought to be arrested for having him here.”
But the other seemed obdurate.
“Start her up, Professor, when I give the word!” he called to the
proprietor, and handed him one of the French banknotes. “Play it all
out!” he directed, as this person gasped with amazement.
Cousin Egbert then proceeded to the head of the beast.
“You’ll have to blind him,” he said.
“Sure!” replied the other, and with loud and profane cries to the
animal they bound a handkerchief about his eyes.
“I can tell he’s going to be a twister,” warned Cousin Egbert. “I
better ear him,” and to my increased amazement he took one of the
beast’s leather ears between his teeth and held it tightly. Then with
soothing words to the supposedly dangerous animal, the Tuttle person
mounted him.
“Let him go!” he called to Cousin Egbert, who released the ear from
between his teeth.
“Wait!” called the latter. “We’re all going with you,” whereupon he
insisted that the cabby and I should enter a sort of swan-boat
directly in the rear. I felt a silly fool, but I saw there was nothing
else to be done. Cousin Egbert himself mounted a horse he had called a
“blue roan,” waved his hand to the proprietor, who switched a lever,
the “Marseillaise” blared forth, and the platform began to revolve. As
we moved, the Tuttle person whisked the handkerchief from off the eyes
of his mount and with loud, shrill cries began to beat the sides of
its head with his soft hat, bobbing about in his saddle, moreover, as
if the beast were most unruly and like to dismount him. Cousin Egbert
joined in the yelling, I am sorry to say, and lashed his beast as if
he would overtake his companion. The cabman also became excited and
shouted his utmost, apparently in the way of encouragement. Strange to
say, I presume on account of the motion, I felt the thing was becoming
infectious and was absurdly moved to join in the shouts, restraining
myself with difficulty. I could distinctly imagine we were in the
hunting field and riding the tails off the hounds, as one might say.
In view of what was later most unjustly alleged of me, I think it as
well to record now that, though I had partaken freely of the
stimulants since our meeting with the Tuttle person, I was not
intoxicated, nor until this moment had I felt even the slightest
elation. Now, however, I did begin to feel conscious of a mild
exhilaration, and to be aware that I was viewing the behaviour of my
companions with a sort of superior but amused tolerance. I can account
for this only by supposing that the swift revolutions of the carrousel
had in some occult manner intensified or consummated, as one might
say, the effect of my previous potations. I mean to say, the continued
swirling about gave me a frothy feeling that was not unpleasant.
As the contrivance came to rest, Cousin Egbert ran to the Tuttle
person, who had dismounted, and warmly shook his hand, as did the
cabby.
“I certainly thought he had you there once, Jeff,” said Cousin Egbert.
“Of all the twisters I ever saw, that outlaw is the worst.”
“Wanted to roll me,” said the other, “but I learned him something.”
It may not be credited, but at this moment I found myself examining
the beast and saying: “He’s crocked himself up, sir--he’s gone tender
at the heel.” I knew perfectly, it must be understood, that this was
silly, and yet I further added, “I fancy he’s picked up a stone.” I
mean to say, it was the most utter rot, pretending seriously that way.
“You come away,” said Cousin Egbert. “Next thing you’ll be thinking
you can ride him yourself.” I did in truth experience an earnest
craving for more of the revolutions and said as much, adding that I
rode at twelve stone.
“Let him break his neck if he wants to,” urged the Tuttle person.
“It wouldn’t be right,” replied Cousin Egbert, “not in his condition.
Let’s see if we can’t find something gentle for him. Not the roan--I
found she ain’t bridle-wise. How about that pheasant?”
“It’s an ostrich, sir,” I corrected him, as indeed it most distinctly
was, though at my words they both indulged in loud laughter, affecting
to consider that I had misnamed the creature.
“Ostrich!” they shouted. “Poor old Bill--he thinks it’s an ostrich!”
“Quite so, sir,” I said, pleasantly but firmly, determining not to be
hoaxed again.
“Don’t drivel that way,” said the Tuttle person.
“Leave it to the driver, Jeff--maybe he’ll believe _him_,” said
Cousin Egbert almost sadly, whereupon the other addressed the cabby:
“Hey, Frank,” he began, and continued with some French words, among
which I caught “vooley-vous, ally caffy, foomer”; and something that
sounded much like “kafoozleum,” at which the cabby spoke at some
length in his native language concerning the ostrich. When he had
done, the Tuttle person turned to me with a superior frown.
“Now I guess you’re satisfied,” he remarked. “You heard what Frank
said--it’s an Arabian muffin bird.” Of course I was perfectly certain
that the chap had said nothing of the sort, but I resolved to enter
into the spirit of the thing, so I merely said: “Yes, sir; my error;
it was only at first glance that it seemed to be an ostrich.”
“Come along,” said Cousin Egbert. “I won’t let him ride anything he
can’t guess the name of. It wouldn’t be right to his folks.”
“Well, what’s that, then?” demanded the other, pointing full at the
giraffe.
“It’s a bally ant-eater, sir,” I replied, divining that I should be
wise not to seem too obvious in naming the beast.
“Well, well, so it is!” exclaimed the Tuttle person delightedly.
“He’s got the eye with him this time,” said Cousin Egbert admiringly.
“He’s sure a wonder,” said the other. “That thing had me fooled; I
thought at first it was a Russian mouse hound.”
“Well, let him ride it, then,” said Cousin Egbert, and I was
practically lifted into the saddle by the pair of them.
“One moment,” said Cousin Egbert. “Can’t you see the poor thing has a
sore throat? Wait till I fix him.” And forthwith he removed his spats
and in another moment had buckled them securely high about the throat
of the giraffe. It will be seen that I was not myself when I say that
this performance did not shock me as it should have done, though I
was, of course, less entertained by it than were the remainder of our
party and a circle of the French lower classes that had formed about
us.
“Give him his head! Let’s see what time you can make!” shouted Cousin
Egbert as the affair began once more to revolve. I saw that both my
companions held opened watches in their hands.
It here becomes difficult for me to be lucid about the succeeding
events of the day. I was conscious of a mounting exhilaration as my
beast swept me around the circle, and of a marked impatience with many
of the proprieties of behaviour that ordinarily with me matter
enormously. I swung my cap and joyously urged my strange steed to a
faster pace, being conscious of loud applause each time I passed my
companions. For certain lapses of memory thereafter I must wholly
blame this insidious motion.
For example, though I believed myself to be still mounted and whirling
(indeed I was strongly aware of the motion), I found myself seated
again at the corner public house and rapping smartly for drink, which
I paid for. I was feeling remarkably fit, and suffered only a mild
wonder that I should have left the carrousel without observing it.
Having drained my glass, I then remember asking Cousin Egbert if he
would consent to change hats with the cabby, which he willingly did.
It was a top-hat of some strange, hard material brightly glazed.
Although many unjust things were said of me later, this is the sole
incident of the day which causes me to admit that I might have taken a
glass too much, especially as I undoubtedly praised Cousin Egbert’s
appearance when the exchange had been made, and was heard to wish that
we might all have hats so smart.
It was directly after this that young Mr. Elmer, the art student,
invited us to his studio, though I had not before remarked his
presence, and cannot recall now where we met him. The occurrence in
the studio, however, was entirely natural. I wished to please my
friends and made no demur whatever when asked to don the things--a
trouserish affair, of sheep’s wool, which they called “chapps,” a
flannel shirt of blue (they knotted a scarlet handkerchief around my
neck), and a wide-brimmed white hat with four indentations in the
crown, such as one may see worn in the cinema dramas by cow-persons
and other western-coast desperadoes. When they had strapped around my
waist a large pistol in a leather jacket, I considered the effect
picturesque in the extreme, and my friends were loud in their approval
of it.
I repeat, it was an occasion when it would have been boorish in me to
refuse to meet them halfway. I even told them an excellent wheeze I
had long known, which I thought they might not, have heard. It runs:
“Why is Charing Cross? Because the Strand runs into it.” I mean to
say, this is comic providing one enters wholly into the spirit of it,
as there is required a certain nimbleness of mind to get the point, as
one might say. In the present instance some needed element was
lacking, for they actually drew aloof from me and conversed in low
tones among themselves, pointedly ignoring me. I repeated the thing to
make sure they should see it, whereat I heard Cousin Egbert say.
“Better not irritate him--he’ll get mad if we don’t laugh,” after
which they burst into laughter so extravagant that I knew it to be
feigned. Hereupon, feeling quite drowsy, I resolved to have forty
winks, and with due apologies reclined upon the couch, where I drifted
into a refreshing slumber.
Later I inferred that I must have slept for some hours. I was awakened
by a light flashed in my eyes, and beheld Cousin Egbert and the Tuttle
person, the latter wishing to know how late I expected to keep them
up. I was on my feet at once with apologies, but they instantly
hustled me to the door, down a flight of steps, through a court-yard,
and into the waiting cab. It was then I noticed that I was wearing the
curious hat of the American Far-West, but when I would have gone back
to leave it, and secure my own, they protested vehemently, wishing to
know if I had not given them trouble enough that day.
In the cab I was still somewhat drowsy, but gathered that my
companions had left me, to dine and attend a public dance-hall with
the cubbish art student. They had not seemed to need sleep and were
still wakeful, for they sang from time to time, and Cousin Egbert
lifted the cabby’s hat, which he still wore, bowing to imaginary
throngs along the street who were supposed to be applauding him. I at
once became conscience-stricken at the thought of Mrs. Effie’s
feelings when she should discover him to be in this state, and was on
the point of suggesting that he seek another apartment for the night,
when the cab pulled up in front of our own hotel.
Though I protest that I was now entirely recovered from any effect
that the alcohol might have had upon me, it was not until this moment
that I most horribly discovered myself to be in the full cow-person’s
regalia I had donned in the studio in a spirit of pure frolic. I mean
to say, I had never intended to wear the things beyond the door and
could not have been hired to do so. What was my amazement then to find
my companions laboriously lifting me from the cab in this impossible
tenue. I objected vehemently, but little good it did me.
“Get a policeman if he starts any of that rough stuff,” said the
Tuttle person, and in sheer horror of a scandal I subsided, while one
on either side they hustled me through the hotel lounge--happily
vacant of every one but a tariff manager--and into the lift. And now I
perceived that they were once more pretending to themselves that I was
in a bad way from drink, though I could not at once suspect the full
iniquity of their design.
As we reached our own floor, one of them still seeming to support me
on either side, they began loud and excited admonitions to me to be
still, to come along as quickly as possible, to stop singing, and not
to shoot. I mean to say, I was entirely quiet, I was coming along as
quickly as they would let me, I had not sung, and did not wish to
shoot, yet they persisted in making this loud ado over my supposed
intoxication, aimlessly as I thought, until the door of the Floud
drawing-room opened and Mrs. Effie appeared in the hallway. At this
they redoubled their absurd violence with me, and by dint of tripping
me they actually made it appear that I was scarce able to walk, nor do
I imagine that the costume I wore was any testimonial to my sobriety.
“Now we got him safe,” panted Cousin Egbert, pushing open the door of
my room.
“Get his gun, first!” warned the Tuttle person, and this being taken
from me, I was unceremoniously shoved inside.
“What does all this mean?” demanded Mrs. Effie, coming rapidly down
the hall. “Where have you been till this time of night? I bet it’s
your fault, Jeff Tuttle--you’ve been getting him going.”
They were both voluble with denials of this, and though I could scarce
believe my ears, they proceeded to tell a story that laid the blame
entirely on me.
“No, ma’am, Mis’ Effie,” began the Tuttle person. “It ain’t that way
at all. You wrong me if ever a man was wronged.”
“You just seen what state he was in, didn’t you?” asked Cousin Egbert
in tones of deep injury. “Do you want to take another look at him?”
and he made as if to push the door farther open upon me.
“Don’t do it--don’t get him started again!” warned the Tuttle person.
“I’ve had trouble enough with that man to-day.”
“I seen it coming this morning,” said Cousin Egbert, “when we was at
the art gallery. He had a kind of wild look in his eyes, and I says
right then: ‘There’s a man ought to be watched,’ and, well, one thing
led to another--look at this hat he made me wear--nothing would
satisfy him but I should trade hats with some cab-driver----”
“I was coming along from looking at two or three good churches,” broke
in the Tuttle person, “when I seen Sour-dough here having a kind of a
mix-up with this man because of him insisting he must ride a kangaroo
or something on a merry-go-round, and wanting Sour-dough to ride an
ostrich with him, and then when we got him quieted down a little,
nothing would do him but he’s got to be a cowboy--you seen his
clothes, didn’t you? And of course I wanted to get back to Addie and
the girls, but I seen Sour-dough here was in trouble, so I stayed
right by him, and between us we got the maniac here.”
“He’s one of them should never touch liquor,” said Cousin Egbert; “it
makes a demon of him.”
“I got his knife away from him early in the game,” said the other.
“I don’t suppose I got to wear this cabman’s hat just because he told
me to, have I?” demanded Cousin Egbert.
“And here I’d been looking forward to a quiet day seeing some
well-known objects of interest,” came from the other, “after I got my
tooth pulled, that is.”
“And me with a tooth, too, that nearly drove me out of my mind,” said
Cousin Egbert suddenly.
I could not see Mrs. Effie, but she had evidently listened to this
outrageous tale with more or less belief, though not wholly credulous.
“You men have both been drinking yourselves,” she said shrewdly.
“We had to take a little; he made us,” declared the Tuttle person
brazenly.
“He got so he insisted on our taking something every time he did,”
added Cousin Egbert. “And, anyway, I didn’t care so much, with this
tooth of mine aching like it does.”
“You come right out with me and around to that dentist I went to this
morning,” said the Tuttle person. “You’ll suffer all night if you
don’t.”
“Maybe I’d better,” said Cousin Egbert, “though I hate to leave this
comfortable hotel and go out into the night air again.”
“I’ll have the right of this in the morning,” said Mrs. Effie. “Don’t
think it’s going to stop here!” At this my door was pulled to and the
key turned in the lock.
Frankly I am aware that what I have put down above is incredible, yet
not a single detail have I distorted. With a quite devilish ingenuity
they had fastened upon some true bits: I had suggested the change of
hats with the cabby, I had wished to ride the giraffe, and the Tuttle
person had secured my knife, but how monstrously untrue of me was the
impression conveyed by these isolated facts. I could believe now quite
all the tales I had ever heard of the queerness of Americans.
Queerness, indeed! I went to bed resolving to let the morrow take care
of itself.
Again I was awakened by a light flashing in my eyes, and became aware
that Cousin Egbert stood in the middle of the room. He was reading
from his notebook of art criticisms, with something of an oratorical
effect. Through the half-drawn curtains I could see that dawn was
breaking. Cousin Egbert was no longer wearing the cabby’s hat. It was
now the flat cap of the Paris constable or policeman.