* The county jail.--Johnny Short was for many years the
Governor of Monaghan jail. It was to him the _Mittimus_
of “Fool Art,” mentioned in Phelim O'Toole's Courtship,
was directed. If the reader will suspend his curiosity,
that is, provided he feels any, until he comes to the
sketch just mentioned, he will get a more ample account
of Johnny Short.
“My curse upon you, Findramore,” exclaimed Mat, in a paroxysm
of anguish, “every day you rise! but your breath's unlucky to a
schoolmaster; and it's no lie what was often said, that no schoolmaster
ever thruv in you, but something ill came over him.”
“Don't curse the town, man alive,” said the constable, “but curse your
own ignorance and folly; any way, I wouldn't stand in your coat for the
wealth of the three kingdoms. You'll undoubtedly swing, unless you turn
king's evidence. It's about Moore's business, Mr. Kavanagh.”
“Damn the bit of that I'd do, even if I knew anything about it; but,
God be praised for it, I can set them all at defiance--that I'm sure of.
Gentlemen, innocence is a jewel.”
“But Barny Brady, that keeps the shebeen house--you know him--is of
another opinion. You and some of the Pindramore boys took a sup in
Barny's on a sartin night?”
“Ay, did we, on many a night, and will agin, plase Providence--no harm
in takin' a sup any how--by the same token, that may be you and yer
friend here would have a drop of rale stuff, as a thrate from me?”
“I know a thrick worth two of that,” said the man; “I thank ye kindly,
Mr. Kavanagh.”
One Tuesday morning, about six weeks after this event, the largest crowd
ever remembered in that neighborhood was assembled at Findramore Hill,
whereon had been erected a certain wooden machine, yclept--a gallows. A
little after the hour of eleven o'clock two carts were descried winding
slowly down a slope in the southern side of the town and church, which
I have already mentioned, as terminating the view along the level road
north of the hill. As soon as they were observed, a low, suppressed
ejaculation of horror ran through the crowd, painfully perceptible to
the ear--in the expression of ten thousand murmurs all blending into one
deep groan--and to the eye, by a simultaneous motion that ran through
the crowd like an electric shock. The place of execution was surrounded
by a strong detachment of military; and the carts that conveyed the
convicts were also strongly guarded.
As the prisoners approached the fatal spot, which was within sight
of the place where the outrage had been perpetrated, the shrieks and
lamentations of their relations and acquaintances were appalling indeed.
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, cousins, and all persons to the
most remote degree of kindred and acquaintanceship, were present--all
excited by the alternate expression of grief and low-breathed vows of
retaliation; not only relations, but all who were connected with them
by the bonds of their desperate and illegal oaths. Every eye, in fact,
coruscated with a wild and savage fire, that shot from under brows knit
in a spirit that deemed to cry out Blood, vengeance--blood, vengeance!
The expression was truly awful; all what rendered it more terrific was
the writhing reflection, that numbers and physical force were unavailing
against a comparatively small body of armed troops. This condensed the
fiery impulse of the moment into an expression of subdued rage, that
really shot like livid gleams from their visages.
At length the carts stopped under the gallows; and, after a short
interval spent in devotional exercise, three of the culprits ascended
the platform, who, after recommending themselves to God, and avowing
their innocence, although the clearest possible evidence of guilt had
been brought against them, were launched into another life, among the
shrieks and groans of the multitude. The other three then ascended; two
of them either declined, or had not strength to address the assembly.
The third advanced to the edge of the boards--it was Mat. After two
or three efforts to speak, in which he was unsuccessful from bodily
weakness, he at length addressed them as follows:--
“My friends and good people--In hopes that you may be all able to
demonstrate the last proposition laid down by a dying man, I undertake
to address you before I depart to that world where Euclid, De Cartes,
and many other larned men are gone before me. There is nothing in all
philosophy more true than that, as the multiplication-table says, 'two
and two makes four;' but it is equally veracious and worthy of credit,
that if you do not abnegate this system that you work the common rules
of your proceedings by--if you don't become loyal men, and give up
burnin' and murdherin', the solution of it will be found on the gallows.
I acknowledge myself to be guilty, for not separatin' myself clane from
yez; we have been all guilty, and may God forgive thim that jist now
departed wid a lie in their mouth.”
Here he was interrupted by a volley of execrations and curses, mingled
with “stag, informer, thraithor to the thrue cause!” which, for some
time, compelled him to be silent.
“You may curse,” continued Mat; “but it's too late now to abscond the
truth--the _sum_ of my wickedness and folly is worked out, and you see
the _answer_. God forgive me, many a young crathur I enticed into the
_Ribbon_ business, and now it's to ind in _Hemp_. Obey the law; or, if
you don't you will find a _lex talionis_ the construction of which is,
that if a man burns or murdhers he won't miss hanging; take warning by
me--by us all; for, although I take God to witness that I was not at
the perpetration of the crime that I'm to be suspinded for, yet I often
connived, when I might have superseded the carrying of such intuitions
into effectuality. I die in pace wid all the world, save an' except the
Findramore people, whom, may the maledictionary execration of a
dying man follow into eternal infinity! My manuscription of conic
sections--” Here an extraordinary buz commenced among the crowd, which
rose gradually into a shout of wild, astounding exultation. The sheriff
followed the eyes of the multitude, and perceived a horseman dashing
with breathless fury up towards the scene of execution. He carried and
waved a white handkerchief on the end of a rod, and made signals with
his hat to stop the execution. He arrived, and brought a full pardon for
Mat, and a commutation of sentence to transportation for life for the
other two. What became of Mat I know not; but in Findramore he never
dared to appear, as certain death would have been the consequence of his
not dying _game_. With respect to Barny Brady, who kept the shebeen,
and was the principal evidence against those who were concerned in this
outrage, he was compelled to enact an _ex tempore_ death in less than
a month afterwards; having been found dead, with a slip of paper in his
mouth, inscribed--“This is the fate of all Informers.”
* * * * *
(Note to page 834.)
The Author, in order to satisfy his readers that the character of Mat
Kavanagh as a hedge schoolmaster is not by any means overdrawn, begs to
subjoin (verbatim) the following authentic production of one, which will
sufficiently explain itself, and give an excellent notion of the mortal
feuds and jealousies which subsist between persons of this class:--
“To the Public.--Having read a printed Document, emanating, as it
were, from a vile, mean, and ignorant miscreant of the name of ------,
calumniating and vituperating me; it is evidently the production of a
vain, supercilious, disappointed, frantic, purblind maniac of the name
of ------, a bedlamite to all intents and purposes, a demon in the
disguise of virtue, and a herald of hell in the paradise of innocence,
possessing neither principle, honor, nor honesty; a vain and vapid
creature whom nature plumed out for the annoyance of ------ and its
vicinity.
“It is well known and appreciated by an enlightened and discerning
public, that I am as competently qualified to conduct the duties of a
Schoolmaster as any Teacher in Munster. (Here I pause, stimulated by
dove-eyed humility, and by the fine and exalted feelings of nature, to
make a few honorable exceptions, particularly when I memorize the names
and immortal fame of a Mr. ------, a Mr.---------, a Mr. ---------, a
Mr.---------, a Mr. ---------, a Mr. --------, ---------; a Mr. Matt.
---------, ---------; a Mr.---------, ---------; and many other stars of
the first magnitude, too numerous for insertion).
“The notorious impostor and biped animal already alluded to, actuated by
an overweening desire of notoriety, and in order to catch the applause
of some one, grovelling in the morasses of insignificance and vice,
like himself, leaves his native obscurity, and indulges in falsehood,
calumny, and defamation. I am convinced that none of the highly
respectable Teachers of -------- has had any participation in this
scurrilous transaction, as I consider them to be sober, moral, exemplary
well-conducted men, possessed of excellent literary abilities; but this
expatriated ruffian and abandoned profligate, being aware of the marked
and unremitting attention which I have heretofore invariably paid to the
scholars committed to my care, and the astonishing proficiency which,
generally speaking, will be an accompaniment of competency, instruction,
assiduity and perseverance, devised this detestable and fiendish
course in order to tarnish and injure my unsullied character, it being
generally known and justly acknowledged that I never gave utterance
to an unguarded word--that I have always conducted myself as a man of
inoffensive, mild, and gentle habits, of unblemished moral character,
and perfectly sensible of the importance of inculcating on the young
mind, moral and religious instruction, a love of decency, cleanliness,
industry, honesty, and truth--that my only predominant fault some years
ago, consisted in partaking of copious libations of the 'Moantain Dew,'
which I shall for ever mourn with heartfelt compunction.--But I return
thanks to the Great God, for more than eighteen months my lips have
not partaken of that infuriating beverage to which I was unfortunately
attached, and my habitual propensity vanished at the sanctified
and ever-memorable sign of the cross--the memento of man's lofty
destination, and miraculous injunction, of the great, illustrious, and
never-to-be-forgotten Apostle of Temperance. I am now an humble member
of this exemplary and excellent society, which is engaged in the
glorious and hallowed cause of promoting Temperance, with the zealous
solicitude of parents.--I am one of these noble men, because they
are sober men, who have triumphed over their habits, conquered their
passions, and put their predominant propensities to flight; yes,
kind-hearted, magnanimous, and lofty high, minded conqueror, I have to
announce to you that I have gained repeated victories, and consigned to
oblivion the hydra-headed monster, Intemperance; and in consequence of
which, have been consigned from poverty and misery, to affluence and
happiness, possessing 'ready rino,' or ample pecuniary means to make one
comfortable and happy thereby enjoying 'the feast of reason and the
flow of soul,' i.e.,--an honest, cozy warm, comfortable cup of tea, to
consign my drooping, sober, and cheerful spirits into the flow of soul,
and philosophy of pleasure. I, therefore, do feel I hid no occasion to
speak a word in vindication of my conduct and character. A conspiracy
in embryo, formed by a triumvirate, was brought to maturity by as
experienced a calumniator, as Canty, the Hangman from Cork, was in the
discharge of his functions, when in the situation of municipal officer;
and the hoary-headed cadman and crack-brained Pedagogue was appointed
a necessary evil vehicle for industriously circulating said maniac
calumny. Why did not this base Plebeian, anterior to his giving
publicity to the tartaric nausea that rankled at his gloomy heart,
forward the corroding philippic, and bid defiance to my contradiction?
No, no; he knew full well that with his scanty stock of English
ammunition scattered over the sterile floor of his literary magazine, he
could not have the effrontery, impudence, or presumption to enter
the list of philosophical and scientific disputation with one who has
traversed the thorny paths of literature, explored its mazy windings,
and who is thoroughly and radically fortified, as being encompassed
with the impenetrable shield of genuine science. This red, hot, fiery,
unguarded locust, in the inanity of his mind's incomprehensibleness, has
not only incurred my displeasure by his satirical dogged Lampoons, etc.,
but the abhorrence, animosity, and holy indignation of many who move in
the high circle, as well as the ineffable contempt of the majority
of those good and useful members of society, who are engaged in the
glorious and delightful task of 'teaching the young idea how to shoot,'
and forming the mind to rectitude of conduct; and whose labors
are tremendous--I speak from long and considerable experience in
scholastic pursuits. I am as perfectly aware as any man of the friendly
intercourse, urbanity, and social reciprocation of kindness and demeanor
that ought to exist among Teachers;--and, in a word, that they should
be like the sun and moon--receptacles of each other's light. But these
malicious, ignorant, callous-hearted traducers finding it perfectly
congenial to their usual habits, and perhaps feeling no remorse
of conscience in departing from those principles which must always
accompany men of education, carry into effect their scheme of wanton,
atrocious, and deliberate falsehood. And accordingly, in pursuance of
their infernal piece of villainy, one of them being sensible of
being held in contempt and ridicule by an enlightened public--whose
approbation alone is the true criterion by which Teachers ought to
be sanctioned, countenanced, and patronized--incited, ordered, and
directed, the aforesaid Lampooner--a reckless, heartless, illiterate,
evil-minded ghost, yes my friends an evil-spirit, created by the
wrath of God--to pour out the rigmarole effusions of his silly and
contemptible lucubrations. It is a well-known fact, that this vile
calumniator is the shame, the disgrace, the opprobrium, and brand of
detestation; the sacrilegious and perjured outcast of society, who would
cut any man's throat for one glass of the soul-destroying beverage. This
accursed viper and well-known hobgoblin, labors under a complication of
maladies: at one time you might see him leaving the Court-house of with
the awful crime of perjury depicted in capital letters on his forehead,
and indelibly engraven in the recesses of his heart, considering that
every tongueless object was eloquent of his woe, and at periods laboring
under a semi-perspicuous, semi-opaque, gutta-serena, attended with an
acute palpitation of his pericranium, and a most tormenting delirium
of intellects from which he finds not the least mitigation until he
consopiates his optics under the influence of Morpheus. There are ties
of affinity and consanguinity existing between this manfacturer of
atrocious falsehoods and barefaced calumnies, and a Jack-Ass, which ties
cannot be easily dissolved, the affinity or similitude is perceptible to
an indifferent observer in the accent, pronunciation, modulation of the
voice of the biped animal, and in the braying of the quadruped. This
Jack-Ass you might also behold perambulating the streets of ------,
a second Judas Iscariot--a houseless, homeless, penniless, forlorn
fugitive, like Old Nick or Beelzebub, seeking whom he might betray
and injure in the public estimation, in rapacity, or in discharging a
blunderbuss full of falsehood against the most pure and unimpeachable
Member of society! Is it not astonishing this wretched, braying,
incorrigible mendicant does not put on a more firm and unalterable
resolution of taking pattern by, and living in accordance with the
laudable and exemplary habits of members of the Literatii, the ornament
of which learned body is the Rev. Dr. King, of Ennis College, a
gentleman by birth, by principles, and more than all, a gentleman by
education; whose mind is pregnant with inexhaustible stores of classical
and mathematical lore, entertainment and knowledge; whose learning and
virtues have shed a lustre on the human kind; a gentleman possessing
almost superhuman talents. No, he must persevere and run in his
accustomed old course of abomination, slander, iniquity, and vice.
“In conclusion, to the R. C. Clergymen of ------, and the respectable
portion of the laity, I return my ardent heartfelt thanks--to the
former, who are the pious, active, and indefatigable instructors of the
peasantry, their consolers in affliction, their resource in calamity,
their preceptors and models in religion, the trustees of their interest,
their visitors in sickness, and their companions on their beds of death;
and from the latter I have experienced considerable gratitude in unison
with all the other fine qualities inherent in their nature; while
neither time nor place shall ever banish from my grateful I heart,
their urbanity, hospitality, munificence, and kindness to me on every
occasion.
“I have the honor to be their very devoted, much obliged, and grateful
Servant,
“JOHN O'KELLY.
“The itinerant cosmopolite, to use his own phraseology, accuses me
with being lame--I reply, so was Lord Byron; and why not a 'Star from
Dromcoloher' be similarly honored, for
If God, one member has oppress'd,
He has made more perfect all the rest.
“The following poetic lines are to be inserted in reply to the doggerel
composition of the equivocating and hoary champion of wilful and
deliberate falsehood, and a compound of knavery, deception, villainy,
and dissimulation, wherever he goes:--
“O'Kelly's my name,
I think it no shame,
Of sempiternal fame in that line,
As for my being lame,
The rest of my frame,
Is somewhat superior to thine.
These addled head swains,
Of paralyzed brains,
Who charge me with corrupting youth,
Are a perjuring pair,
In Belzebub's chair,
Stamped with disgrace and untruth.”
We are obliged to omit some remarks that accompanied the following
poetical effusion:--
“A book to the blind signifies not a feather,
Whose look and whose mind chime both together,
Boreas, pray blow this vile rogue o'er the terry,
For he is a disgrace and a scandal to Kerry.”
The writer of this, after passing the highest eulogium on the Rev. Mr.
O'Kelly, P.P., Kilmichael, in speaking of him, says,
“In whom, the Heavenly virtues do unite,
Serenely fair, in glowing colors bright,
The shivering mendicant's attire,
The stranger's friend, the orphan's sire,
Benevolent and mild;
The guide of youth,
The light of truth,
By all condignly styl'd.”
A gentleman having applied for a transcript of this interesting document
for his daughter, Mr. O'Kelly says, “This transcript is given with
perfect cheerfulness, at the suggestion of the amiable, accomplished,
highly-gifted, original genius, Miss Margaret Brew, of --------, to
whom, with the most respectful deference, I take the liberty of applying
the following most appropriate poetic lines:--
“Kilrush, a lovely spot of Erin's Isle,
May you and your fair ones in rapture smile,
By force of genius and superior wit,
Any station in high life, they'd lit.
Raise the praise worthy, in style unknown,
Laud her, who has great merit of her own.
Had I the talents of the bards of yore,
I would touch my harp and sing for ever more,
Of Miss Brew, unrivaled, and in her youth,
The ornament of friendship, love and truth.
That fair one, whose matchless eloquence divine,
Finds out the sacred pores of man sublime,
Tells us, a female of Kilrush doth shine.
In point of language, eloquence, and ease,
She equals the celebrated Dowes now-a-days,
A splendid poetess--how sweet her verse,
That which, without a blush, Downes might rehearse;
Her throbbing breast the home of virtue rare,
Her bosom, warm, loving and sincere,
A mild fair one, the muses only care,
Of learning, sense, true wit, and talents rare;
Endless her fame, on golden wings she'd fly,
Loud as the trumpet of the rolling sky.
“I avail myself of this opportunity, in the most humble posture, the
pardon and indulgence of that nobleman of the most profound considerable
talents, unbounded liberality, and genuine worth, Crofton M. Yandeleur,
Esq., for the culpable omission, which I have incautiously and
inadvertly made, in not prior to, and before all, tendered his honor, my
warm hearted and best acknowledgments, and participating in the general
joy, visible here on every countenance, occasioned by the restoration
to excellent health, which his most humane, truly charitable, and
illustrious beloved patroness of virtue and morality, Lady Grace T.
Yandeleur, now enjoys May they very late, when they see their children,
as well as their numerous, happy and contented tenantry, flourish around
them in prosperity, virtue, honor, and independence--may they then
resign their temporal care, to partake of the never-ending joys, glory,
and felicity of Heaven; these are the fervent wishes and ardent prayers
of their ever grateful servant,
“JOHN O'KELLY.
“O rouse my muse and launch in praise forth,
Dwell with delight, with extasy on worth;
In these kind souls in conspicuous flows,
Their liberal hands expelling-human woes.
Tell, when dire want oppressed the needy poor,
They drove the ghastly spectre from the door.
Such noble actions yield more pure content,
Than thousands squander'd or in banquets spent.
“I hope, kind and extremely patient reader, you will find my piece
humorous, interesting, instructive, and edifying. In delineating and
drawing to life the representation of my assailant, aggressor, and
barefaced calumniator. I have preferred the natural order, free, and
familiar style, to the artificial order, grave, solemn, and antiquated
style; and in so doing, I have had occasion to have reference to the
vocal metaphrase of some words. With a due circumspection of the use
of their synonymy, taking care that the import and acceptation of each
phrase and word should not appear frequently synonymous. Again. I have
applied the whip unsparingly to his back, and have given him such a
laudable castigation, as to compel him to comport himself in future with
propriety and politeness; yes, it is quite obvious that I have done it,
by an appropriate selection of catogoramatic and cencatogoramatic terms
and words. I have been particularly careful to adorn it with some
poetic spontaneous effusions, and although I own to you, that I have no
pretensions to be an adept in poetry, as I have only moderately sipped
of the Helicon Fountain; yet from my knowledge of Orthometry I can
prove the correctness of it; by special and general metric analysis. In
conclusion, I have not indulged in Rhetorical figures and Tropes, but
have rigidly adhered to the use of figurative and literal language;
finally I have used a concatination of appropriate mellifluous epithets,
logically and philosophically accurate, copious, sublime, eloquent, and
harmonious.
“Adieu! Adieu! Remember, JOHN O'KELLY, Literary Teacher, And a native of
Dromcoloher.”
“The author of this extempore production of writing a Treatise on Mental
Calculations, to which are appended more than three hundred scientific,
ingenious, and miscellaneous questions, with their solutions.
“Mental calculations for the first time are simplified, which will
prove a grand desideratum and of the greatest importance in mercantile
affairs.
“You will not wonder when I will ye,
You have read some pieces from 0' Kelly;
Halt he does, but 'tis no more
Than Lord Byron did before;
Read his pieces and you'll find
There is no limping in his mind;
Reader, give your kind subscription,
Of you, he will give a grand description.
Price 2s., to be paid in advance,