"I think I would like to go for a walk, daddy, if you are going home, and
will see that mother is all right."
"Yes, I will take care of mother. Are you very tired, dear? I am afraid
you must be, you have worked very hard looking after us all so well."
Audrey smiled up at her father, but it was rather a wistful smile.
"No, I am not exactly tired, but I feel as if I wanted a walk."
"I expect you do, you have been shut up in the house so much.
Well, I will hurry home now; and you will be back in time for tea?"
Audrey nodded, and, with a sigh of contentment, turned up the winding road
which would presently lead her out on the moor.
Granny Carlyle's visit was over, and it was as she and her father were
turning away from the station after seeing her off, that there had come to
her suddenly a great desire to be alone, to be out on the great, wide,
open, silent moor, where she could think and think without fear of
interruption.
At home there was so little time for thought, and she had so many things
to think about. Only yesterday granny had said: "Well, Audrey, and are
you coming back to me when the year is up?" And Audrey, shocked at the
thrill of dismay the mere suggestion sent through her, had tried to tell
her as gently and kindly as possible, that she could not be spared from
home, at any rate, until Joan was some years older.
"Even when mother gets about again, she will not be fit for hard work,"
she explained hurriedly, "and, of course, there is a lot of hard work.
Father says we can't possibly keep another servant, for there will soon be
the governess to pay, as well as Mary and Job Toms."
"I know, child, I know," granny answered, almost sadly. "I scarcely
expected to be able to have you." And Audrey, feeling a little
uncomfortable lest she should have even suspected her changed feelings,
had again been struck by her aged and fragile look, the weariness in her
eyes, and in her voice, and had been troubled by it.
It had troubled her, too, ever since, but she did not know what she could
do. Indeed, she knew that she could not do anything, and that was saddest
of all.
Up on the moor she threw herself down on a bed of heather, and with only
the bees, and the larks, and the little westerly breeze for company, tried
to think the matter out. And soon the breeze blew some of her worries
away, and the sun and the birds' songs between them so raised her spirits
that she found courage to face things more hopefully and trustfully.
"I can't alter things," she sighed, "I can only do the best I know, or
what seems best."
Presently remembrance of her play came back to her. For the last week or
two she had been so busy, and her mind so occupied with other things,
she had really not had time to worry about it, and now: "There are only
three days more to wait!" she cried. "Only three days more. I wonder how
I shall first know? Will they write? or shall I see it in the papers?
or--or what? And how shall I bear it--if--if, whichever way it is?"
But, in spite of herself, her mind wandered on, picturing what she would
do with her money. Should she send away for one of those pretty, cool,
cotton rest-gowns for her mother, that she longed so for. They were often
advertised, it would be quite easy to get one. She would still have a
good deal left for other things. Or should she give the money to her
father for a new great coat? His old one was fearfully shabby.
It would take the whole of her money, but it would be lovely when winter
came, to know that he was not cold. Oh! but she did want to get some new
curtains, or sheets, and--and Faith was dreadfully in need of a rain coat,
and: "Oh, dear!" she cried, rousing out of her day-dream, "and, after all,
I shall probably not even have a five-shilling consolation prize!
How silly I am to let myself think of it. It is enough to prevent its
coming."
She got on to her feet, and shook herself, to shake the dried grass and
heather from her skirt and her long hair--to shake off her foolishness
too. Well, five shillings would be useful. It would buy mother some
fruit, and wool for socks for father. "I wish though I could forget all
about it. I wish something would happen to drive it out of my head
again." And already something was happening--was on its way to her.
A letter had come for her while she was out, a letter from Irene.
"I can see that it is from Ilfracombe," said her mother as she handed it
to her. "Open it quickly, dear, I have been longing for you to come home
and tell me what it says about them all."
But Audrey's eyes were already devouring the pages. "Oh!" she gasped,
"oh, how lovely! How perfectly lovely!"
If there is one thing more aggravating than another, it is to hear someone
exclaiming over a letter, without giving a clue as to the cause of the
excitement.
"Audrey! Audrey, darling, don't tease me any more."
Audrey looked up, ashamed of her selfishness. Her mother's cheeks were
flushed with excitement. "Oh, mummy, I am so sorry," she cried,
repentantly.
"Never mind, dear. I could see that the news, whatever it was, was
pleasant."
"Oh, mother, it is lovely, perfectly--perfectly glorious. What do you
think? They are actually coming here to live--no, not in this house,"
laughing, "but in Moor End. Irene says that her grandfather has bought
the Mill House for them, and they hope to have it done up and ready for
them to move into before winter sets in. Won't it be lovely? Oh, mother,
aren't you glad?"
Mrs. Carlyle was more than glad. She was thankful. Her mind was relieved
of a care which had increased as the days sped on. Now her girls would
have companionship, and with friends whose influence and example would be
all for good. Tom, too, would have a companion. And, perhaps, who knows,
they could share their lessons too. Mrs. Carlyle's thoughts flew on; but
her thoughts were all for her children. She had not yet considered what
it would mean to herself,--the companionship, the kind friends at hand in
case of need.
"You are very, very glad about it, aren't you, dear?" she asked, her heart
and her eyes full of sympathy with her child's gladness.
"Glad! Oh, mother. I was never so happy in my life. It seems now as
though everything is just perfect!"
"And granny? Have you given up wanting to go back to her, dear?"
A shadow fell on Audrey's happiness. "Granny was speaking about it,"
she said hurriedly, "only yesterday, and I told her I could not come.
I thought I was--I felt I ought to stay here, even after you are well
again, for there is a lot to do, and--and, mother--you don't think I must
go back, do you?"
Her voice was full of anxiety. She had little dreamed at one time that
she would ever be overjoyed at being told she could not do so; but now.
Her eyes sought her mother's face anxiously. She longed to hear her say
reassuringly that there was not the slightest need, that she could not be
spared.
But for a moment Mrs. Carlyle did not answer at all, and when she did she
spoke slowly and hesitatingly. "I hardly know, dear, what to say.
As she is at present, there is no actual need, and I am glad, for I don't
know what we should do without you here. But, well, I feel I could not
grudge her one--when I have so many, and she is so lonely. You could be
such a comfort to her, Audrey."
Audrey's face grew white and hard. "Of course," she thought bitterly,
"it was only for her to feel happy for life to seem jollier and more full
of happy prospects than ever before, and she must be dragged away from it
all."
If she had been asked what, above all else, she would have chosen, she
would have asked for just this: that Irene should come to live close by;
and she was really coming. Better still, they were all of them coming,
and life, for one brief moment, had seemed full of sunshine. "So, of
course, a black and heavy cloud must come up, and shut the sunshine out,
and darken all her happiness," she told herself dramatically.
"Audrey, dear. Don't look so unhappy, so--so disappointed. We will not
anticipate. No one knows what the future may bring. It is seldom exactly
what we hope, or dread; and if we just go on trustfully day by day, taking
all the happiness God sends us, and ready bravely to face the clouds.
We know that He will make the sunshine show through. He wants His
children to be happy, not miserable."
"I--don't know," said Audrey, doubtingly. "It seems that if ever I want a
thing very much it is taken away, or I am not allowed----"
"Audrey, darling, do not say such things. Do not let yourself ever think
it. Do you honestly believe that the great God above demeans Himself and
His Majesty and Might to annoy one of His children? That He plans to
torment you? My dear, dear child, don't get into that bitter, wicked way
of talking. It is so wrong--so insulting to your Heavenly Father.
It is so ruining to your own character, and your happiness. The mistake
that we make, Audrey, is that we want to choose our own way, and follow
it--not His. That we think we can see better than He what is for the
best, and what our future should be.
"Now, let no imaginary cloud in the future overshadow the sunshine of
to-day. Enjoy the happiness that is sent to you, and, if the call to duty
elsewhere comes, obey it as all good soldiers of Christ should."
Audrey was on her knees by her mother's side, her face buried in her lap.
"Oh, mother, mother!" she cried remorsefully, "I am not a good soldier--I
am a coward. I never want to obey--unless--it pleases me to."
"You did not want to come here when the summons came, did you, dear?"
Audrey shook her head. "No, mummy," she admitted reluctantly. "When I
came I counted the days until I could go back again."
"But you are happy here? You are glad now?"
"Oh, yes, yes," cried poor Audrey.
"You would not be happy, though, if you stayed on here, refusing to go to
granny. You would be in the place you want to be, you would be near your
friends, and be doing the things you want to do; but you would not be
happy. You would enjoy nothing."
"Is one only happy if one does one's duty?" queried Audrey faintly.
"Yes, little soldier. That is why you have been so happy here since----"
"Since Irene showed me what my duty was," said Audrey softly. She rose to
her feet, kissed her mother fondly, and for a moment stood by her side
silent, and very still.
"I--I will try," she said at last, "I will try, but--but----" Her voice
broke.
Mrs. Carlyle put her arm about her, and held her very close. "That will
do, darling. That is all God asks of any of us--just to try and shoulder
bravely the duties He lays on us."
It was just three days later that Audrey heard the news so longed for, yet
so dreaded. By the early post that morning there came several letters,
and one of them for her.
When she opened it, and unfolded the sheet of paper it held, a cheque
dropped out and into her lap. A cheque for three guineas!
For a moment Audrey held it, staring at it incredulously. Then she had
won a prize! The first prize, too! Her play had not been utter rubbish,
but the best! The best!!
The blood rushed over her face and neck, dyeing both scarlet; her hands
trembled, her heart beat suffocatingly. She turned to the letter, but for
a moment she could see nothing. Then gradually her sight cleared, and she
read: "The Editor of _The Girl's World_ has much pleasure in informing
Miss Audrey Carlyle that her play has been adjudged the best of all those
sent in; and encloses a cheque for three guineas. The Editor would be
glad to have a copy of Miss Carlyle's latest photograph, to print in our
next number."
Audrey read no more. With her face glowing with happiness, her red mane
flying behind her, she rushed up the stairs to her mother's room. At last
she could tell her secret.
Sure of her mother's interest and sympathy she burst into the room with
only the faintest apology of a tap at the door. Her father was there too,
standing by the bed with a letter in his hand.
"Oh, mother! What do you think!" Audrey's voice broke off suddenly, for
her mother's eyes when she looked at her were full of tears.
"Oh, what has happened? Father--mother--what has happened? Not--an
accident?"
Her thoughts flew at once to her brothers and sisters. "Not----!"
She could not finish the awful question. She turned so white and faint
that her father stepped across the room, and taking her in his arms,
guided her to a chair by the open window. "No, no, dear, not, thank God,
as bad as that. A letter has come from Dr. Norman to say that yesterday
granny fainted, and was unconscious a long time. She recovered, but--he
wants me to come as soon as possible, he is afraid--her condition may be
serious."
"I am never to be allowed any great happiness," said Audrey in her heart.
"If something good comes my way, something bad comes with it."
Even through her anxiety the thought would come, adding bitterness to her
trouble. The letter and cheque she held slipped from her fingers to the
floor. She would not even tell her news, she thought bitterly.
Perhaps if she showed that she did not care, Fate would find no pleasure
in being so cruel to her.
"Do you want me to go too?" she asked. She knew that her voice was hard
and unsympathetic, but she felt, at that moment, as though she could not
help it.
"No, not now, dear." The gentleness of her mother's voice brought a lump
to Audrey's throat. "Your father will go first, and see how things are.
They may need a trained nurse, or--well, we don't know; but, oh, Audrey,
Audrey, the bitter part is that we haven't the money to take him there.
We dare not draw any more from the Bank until some has been paid in, and
that cannot be for a few days yet. What can we do? There is no one we
can appeal to, no one we can confide in. If Mr. Vivian were only
here----"
But Audrey, instead of answering, was groping on the floor. Tears were in
her eyes, shame and remorse again filled her heart. After all, God was
giving her a greater opportunity, a more perfect way, of using her money,
than any she had dreamed of.
"Father," she said shyly, "I have just had this," holding out the two
slips of paper. "I came up to tell you and mother, but--but----"
The varying emotions of the morning, the joyful surprise, the excitement,
the shock which had turned her faint, the drop from the height of her
happiness to the depths of bitterness and sorrow, proved too much for
Audrey, and, dropping on her knees beside her mother's bed, she burst into
tears.
She felt her mother's gentle hand on her head, she felt her father raise
her in his arms. She heard her father, as he kissed her forehead, murmur,
"My blessed child, my God-send." She heard her mother say, with a catch
in her voice, "My Audrey, what should we do without you!"
But all Audrey could do was to sob brokenly. "No, no, no, I don't deserve
it, don't, please don't. You don't know----"
"I do know," whispered her father kindly, as he held her. "You felt
aggrieved, hurt; you came up in the full flush of your happiness,
and found us filled with selfish sorrow, wrapped in our own cares.
You thought all your pleasure in your success was spoilt. I thought only
of my trouble. Really, God was giving us both our opportunity.
Doubling your happiness, and teaching me a lesson in Faith."
"And me," said Mrs. Carlyle softly, "that under us are always His
supporting arms."
That afternoon Mr. Carlyle left for Farbridge, but Audrey's summons did
not come for a while yet.
Granny Carlyle rallied considerably, and they all began to hope that she
might be spared to them yet. But it was only a temporary rally; and Faith
and the little ones had been home but a few days when a telegram came from
Farbridge, asking that Audrey might come at once, and, instead of starting
for Ilfracombe for a week or two's stay before the Vivians left there too,
Audrey went on a very, very different visit, one that none knew the end
of, for old Mrs. Carlyle was in that state that she might live for years,
or for only a few weeks or days.
Never, in all her life after, did Audrey forget that journey on that hot
August day. The sun poured in at the window on her, the smuts came in in
showers, the compartment felt like an oven, and the hot air was heavy with
the mingled odours of blistering paint, coal smoke, and tar. At every
station at which they stopped the engine panted like an exhausted thing.
The sight of beds of scarlet geraniums glowing in the sun ever after
brought back to Audrey the sights, sounds, and sensations of that hot
summer afternoon.
But at last the journey was over, and Audrey, feeling almost as though she
was walking in a dream, crossed the well-remembered park--where the only
change was that the grass was now burnt brown, and summer flowers took the
place of the tulips and daffodils she had left behind her--and entered
once more the orderly, roomy house which was so little changed that she
might have gone out from it only the day before, except that now the
moving spirit was gone, and the silence was not restful, as of old, but
oppressive.
Phipps met her, with tears in her eyes. "Perhaps you would like to go to
your room first, Miss Audrey. Are you very hot and tired, miss?"
"I think I am," said Audrey wearily, "but that is nothing. How is granny
now, Phipps?"
But Phipps only shook her head, and the tears brimmed over. "I can't say
she is any better, Miss Audrey, and--and I won't say she is worse, I can't
bring myself to," and Phipps began to sob aloud.
"Poor Phipps!" said Audrey in a choky voice. "Is she as bad as that!"
She knew what it all meant for Phipps. If Granny Carlyle died, her home
of forty years was gone from her. For the first time in her life Audrey
realised what we all come to realise as we grow older--that the
sorrowfulness of death is not with those who go, but with those who are
left behind.
"I shall lose everything," sobbed Phipps, "everything I care for.
My dear mistress, my home--everything, and I shall never be happy in
another."
"Oh, poor Phipps!" cried Audrey, genuinely troubled. What could one do or
say to comfort such sorrow! But her sympathy comforted Phipps a little,
and she cheered up somewhat.
"If you will come down when you are ready, miss, I will have tea waiting
for you," she said as she left the room, "and after tea the mistress would
like to see you."
But, tired and exhausted though she was, Audrey could only make a pretence
of taking the meal. To be sitting alone in that big room, which she had
hitherto never known without her granny, and feeling that in all
probability she would never, never see her there again, was sufficient in
itself to destroy any appetite she had. Her thoughts, too, were full of
the coming interview. What could she say and do? Would granny be much
changed? These and a dozen other questions hammered at her brain as she
poured herself out a cup of tea. How she had once longed to be allowed to
pour tea from that silver tea-pot, and pick up the sugar with those dainty
little tongs, which granny would never allow her to touch. What a proud
day it would be, so she used to think, when she might! But now--now that
the day had come, she found no pride or pleasure in it, only a sort of
shrinking. It seemed to her to be taking advantage of granny's
helplessness--that she had no right. She was haunted by the sight of
granny's fragile, delicate hand clasping that handle, and delicately
turning over the lumps of sugar to find one of a suitable size.
"Would she be much changed?" Her thoughts flew again to the coming
interview, which she so dreaded.
Yet, after all, though sad, it was very quiet and simple. Granny lay flat
in her bed, looking much as usual, save that the face surrounded by the
night-cap frill was thinner, and gentler, perhaps, and more kind.
"Come round to the other side, dear," she said softly, as Audrey
approached her, and only then did Audrey realise that granny's right arm
and side were helpless.
She was very white as she stooped down to kiss her grandmother, and her
lips trembled.
"It is all right, dear; don't you grieve about me," granny whispered.
She was so weak she could not speak very well. "I am quite ready--
anxious--to go. I am very glad you came to me, Audrey; you have made me
very happy."
Audrey knelt down by the bed, holding her granny's hand in both hers.
"I--oh, granny, I wish I had never left you!" She pressed the fragile
hand against her cheek caressingly. "I--I didn't want to go.
I shall have home and the others always, and you only for a little while."
Her sobs choked her.
"Dear, you do not know--no one knows--how long you may have each other,
and it was your duty to go. Your mother was ill, and needed you; I was
well, and had many to take care of me. I did not want to let you go, but
I was glad afterwards, when I saw you again, I knew it had been best for
you. Keep to the path you have set your feet on so bravely, dear."
Granny's voice died away. She was too tired to talk any more.
"To-morrow," she gasped; "send nurse--now."
So Audrey, with another lingering kiss, crept softly away, to spend the
long lonely evening among the shadows in the great drawing-room, where
everything seemed to speak to her of her granny. Here was her work-table,
with her work neatly folded, as she had left it. Here was her book with a
folded piece of paper in it for a marker. She could not bear it any
longer. In her own room the pain might be less cruel.
Audrey sobbed herself to sleep that night, but before that she had made
one more resolution, with her prayers. In all the days to come, God
helping her, she would 'Leave no tender word unsaid.' She would strive
hard that these bitter memories, this reproach, should never again be
hers.
"Out of sight and out of reach they go.
These dear familiar friends who loved us so,
And sitting in the shadows they have left,
Alone with loneliness, and sore bereft,
We think, with vain regret, of some kind word
That once we might have said, and they have heard."
Audrey did not know those lines then, but they expressed the thoughts
which haunted her in those days, even in her dreams.
Early the next morning, after her breakfast, Phipps came to ask her to go
to her granny's room as soon as convenient.
"I will go now. How is she, Phipps? Do you think she is any better,
just a shade better?"
But Phipps only shook her head, and hurried out of the room with her head
bowed. Poor Audrey! Phipps had dashed all the hopes which had risen
afresh with the morning, and sent her to the sick-room unnerved and full
of fears.
But face to face with her granny, so calm and placid and content, fears
seemed wicked, out of place.
"Audrey, dear, before I have my sleep I want to say something to you in
case, later, I may not be able to. When I am gone there are certain
things which I wish you children to have. The lawyer knows--it is all
written down--but I wanted to tell you myself. I want to ask you--and to
ask the others through you--when you wear them to wear them not as
ornaments only, but as reminders; will you, dear Audrey? As reminders
to--to give your sympathy and love, while it can help, not only at the
hour of parting. That is where I have failed. I see it now, and ask
God's pardon." For a moment there was silence in the quiet room; a tear
fell from the dying eyes. Audrey's were falling fast.
Presently the weak voice began again. "To you, Audrey, I have given my
pearl brooch, and the ring your grandfather gave me as my engagement-ring.
You will value it, will you not, dear? I wish you not to wear the ring
until you are eighteen. I was just eighteen when he gave it to me.
To Faith I am giving my ruby cross and brooch--Faith with her warm heart
glowing with kindness towards the world, always reminds me of rubies.
Tom is to have his grandfather's watch and chain, and Debby is to have
mine. To Baby I have given my string of pearls." Her voice had grown
more and more feeble, and now for a moment died away. But very soon she
spoke again. It was as though she felt she had not much time, and could
not waste a moment of it. "To you, dear, I leave my work-table, too; you
loved it so when you were very little. Do you remember?"
Audrey smiled as the memory came back to her of the joy with which she had
turned it out, and dusted and rearranged it daily. But her smile changed
to tears. "Granny, granny, you must get well, and use it again yourself.
There is your work in it now, waiting to be finished."
A little flicker of pain passed over granny's face. "I shall never finish
it now," she whispered. "Whenever the end comes, one leaves many things
undone. Some do not matter so very much. It is the thought of the things
that do matter--neglected--those we might have helped, that stab one to
the heart."
With a deep sigh she turned her face on her pillow. Audrey, kneeling
beside her, holding her hand, presently laid it gently down, thinking that
she had gone to sleep, and, stepping softly to a chair by the window, sat
down to wait for her to wake and speak again.
Over in the park the children were playing gaily; the elder folk were
already seated on the seats with books or newspaper, or sewing.
How familiar it all was, how dear! Minute after minute passed, while
Audrey, with her eyes fixed on the distant hills, turned over and over in
her mind those last words her grandmother had spoken. How they rang in
her ears, as warning bells! By and by the nurse came in.
"Granny is having such a lovely sleep," said Audrey happily. But the
nurse, already at the bedside, did not return her smile. Her eyes were on
the face on the pillow, her hand on the frail hand lying where Audrey had
laid it down.
"She is," she said at last, very softly--"She was. She has had such a
beautiful wakening, dear. She has passed through the Valley of Shadows,
and is safe on the other side."