There are rumours of Prohibition in Scotland. We can only say that if
Scotland goes dry it will also go South.
* * *
By an order of the FOOD CONTROLLER rice has been freed from all
restrictions as regards use. This drastic attempt to stem the prevailing
craze for matrimony has not come a moment too soon.
* * *
We suppose it is due to pressure of business, but the Spanish Cabinet has
not resigned this week.
* * *
_The Daily Mail_ is offering one hundred pounds for the best new hat for
men. The cocked hat into which Mr. SMILLIE hopes to knock the country is,
of course, excluded from the competition.
* * *
A horse at Chichester has been run down by a train. Asked how he came to
catch up with the horse the driver said he just let her rip.
* * *
Despite the repeated reports of his resignation in the London papers, Mr.
DAVIS, the American Ambassador to Britain, states that he does not intend
to retire. This contempt for English newspapers will be justifiably
resented.
* * *
Mrs. LILLIAN RUSSELL, of Rockland, Mass., is reported to have offered to
sell her husband for twenty thousand pounds. It is a great consolation to
those of us who are husbands that they are fetching such high prices.
* * *
The road-menders in Oxford Street who went on strike have now resumed work.
The discovery was made by a spectator who saw one of them move.
* * *
A contemporary reports the prospect of fair weather for another three
weeks. It looks as if Mr. SMILLIE is going to have a fine day for it after
all.
* * *
A New York message states that the congregation of a New Jersey church
pelted the Rev. F.S. KOPFMANN with eggs. This is disgraceful with eggs at
their present price.
* * *
We have just heard of a Scotsman who has a pre-GEDDES railway time-table
for sale, present owner having no further use for it.
* * *
It is stated in scientific circles that the present weather is due to the
Gulf Stream. This relieves Mr. CHURCHILL of considerable responsibility.
* * *
"The length of a bee's sting," says _Tit Bits_, "is only one thirty-second
of an inch." We are grateful for this information because when we are being
stung we are always too busy to measure for ourselves.
* * *
Those who maintain that nothing good ever comes from Russia have suffered a
nasty slap in the face. A news message states that the Bolshevists have
invited Mr. SMILLIE to visit Petrograd.
* * *
"Horsehair coats have made their appearance," says _The Outfitter_. Surely
this is nothing very new. We have often seen horses wearing them.
* * *
A man who stole the same fowls twice has been charged at Grimsby. He pleads
that his bookkeeper omitted to enter them in the day-book the first time.
* * *
It is now being hinted in political circles that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE, M.P.,
has consented to bequeath his moustache to the nation.
* * *
Mr. SMILLIE was much heartened by the news from Lucerne that the PRIME
MINISTER had climbed down the Rigi in three hours.
* * *
As a result of the new rise in the price of petrol many of the middle-class
have been compelled to turn down their automatic cigarette-lighters.
* * *
Although we may appear to be a little previous, we have it on good
authority that Mr. BOTTOMLEY is already making arrangements to predict that
the approaching coal-strike will end before Christmas.
* * *
The various attempts to swim or cycle across the Channel having proved
unsuccessful, we hear that interest is again being revived in the proposed
Channel Tunnel.
* * *
It is rumoured that Councillor CLARK has recently purchased a large
consignment of Government flannel, in order to provide adequate
underclothing for mixed bathers.
* * *
A large quantity of rusty piano wire, says a news item, has been found in a
valuable milch cow at Boston, Lines. There is hope that the "Tune the Cow
Died of" may now be positively identified.
* * *
According to a sporting paper there is a great shortage of referees this
season. The offer to receive any member of this profession into the ranks
of the Royal Irish Constabulary without further qualifications is no doubt
responsible for fifty per cent. of the loss, whilst fair wear and tear
probably account for the remainder.
* * *
"It is high time," writes a correspondent in _The Daily Mail_, "that a
clearly defined waist-line should be reintroduced into feminine dress."
Others claim that as the neck-line is now worn round the waist the
reintroduction of a waist-line elsewhere can only lead to confusion.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Insurance Clerk_ (_taking personal particulars of
prospective policy-holder_). "AND WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION, SIR?"
_Artist._ "PAINTER."
_Clerk._ "WHAT SORT OF PAINTER?"
_Artist._ "SPLENDID."]
* * * * *