Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms
of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street
or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of
all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these
vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one
has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have
no difficulty.
An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to
take a street car, should always stand directly under a large
sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car
approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and
signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car
whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark
“Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After
this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she
should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner,
across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of
the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman
enough to stop his car.
When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the
street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the
motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark,
“I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which
the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they
don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your
number—I’m going to report you.”
After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite
end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant
seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in
front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and
gives her his place.
It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank
gentlemen who provide them with seats.
After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and
ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.”
She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this
car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next
question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be
addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.”
She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out
the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should
ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will
reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout
“Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?”
Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will
proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the
elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man
at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and
eight other male passengers will shout “YES!”
It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully
waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she
should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The
car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison
Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the
Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called
out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s
eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the
street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s
number again.
The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only
to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be
in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for
example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket
or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside
pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside
of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding
together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until
the conductor has gone stark raving mad.
[Illustration]
Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the
young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if
suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the
room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the
prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one
dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by
grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the
wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a
train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes,
after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her
into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her
until she drowns._
[Illustration]
The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an
intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a
Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their
hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the
return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed
out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this
sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without
exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room
musicale._