Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an
introduction. Introductions still play an important part in
social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by
those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing
a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_
(correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands
with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_
(correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy
(or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of
the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the
President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a
member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person
who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right
ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same
time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other
replies, “I’ll say it is.”
This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people
to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is
generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of
course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly,
so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even
sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the
two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which
you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times,
saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the
name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still
persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being
introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on
the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.
The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to
do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally
be arranged as follows:
Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any
of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social
Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence,
and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the
rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six
inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match
and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several
places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if
she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her
house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will
fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the
sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an
introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely,
you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe,
but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the
sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to
you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should
be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize,
Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but
you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is
my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you
should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing
your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her
family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave
cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the
name on the calling card is generally sufficient for
identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.
When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers,
after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to
rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions
further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper
regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire.
[Illustration]
Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table
manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the
picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His
perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of
Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his
head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little
speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized
him against even Bridal Dinners_.
[Illustration]
Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to
whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has
been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely
lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street
etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
[Illustration]
Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the
park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram.
Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1)
a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To
avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
[Illustration]
Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for
a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been
educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the
jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the
world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming
evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have
recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having
referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR?
[Illustration]
A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture
is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to
commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with
a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on
travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach
would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains
and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the
disturbance over a wider area_.