_House of Commons, Monday, July 27_.--Quite like old times to-night.
Public business interrupted, and private Member suspended. The victim
is ATKINSON, Member for Boston; been on the rampage all last week; a
terror to the Clerks' table; haunting the SPEAKER's Chair, and making
the Sergeant-at-Arms's flesh creep. Decidedly inconvenient to have
a gentleman with pale salmon neck-tie and white waistcoat, suddenly
popping his head round SPEAKER's Chair, and crying, "Ah, ah!" "No, you
don't!" "Would you, then?" and other discursive remarks. Curious how
ATKINSON, indulging in these luxuries himself; hotly resents attempts
by others to enjoy similar exotics of conversation. Narrating his
grievances just now, he dwelt with especial fervour on one of them.
"One of the Clerks," he told the House, "when I showed him a Motion,
said, 'Oh! oh!' I said, 'Don't say "Oh! oh!" to me.'"
[Illustration: "No Hankey-Pankey with me."]
"Why not?" asked HANKEY, with that direct, almost abrupt manner that
becomes a Magistrate for Surrey and Chairman of the Consolidated Bank.
"Why not? Are you to have monopoly of this simple interjection? Are
you to appropriate all the O's in the alphabet? Is not a Clerk at the
Table a man and a brother, and why may he not, if the idea flashes
across his active brain, say, 'Oh! oh!'?"
That rather floored ATKINSON; brought him (so to speak) to his senses.
Told me afterwards he had never looked on matters in that light. Great
advantage having a man like HANKEY going round prepared at moment's
notice to take common-sense view of situation and depict it in terse
language. Sobering effect on ATKINSON only momentary. Whilst SPEAKER
was narrating circumstances on which he had based charge against him
of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for Boston was bouncing
about on seat like parched pea, shouting out, "Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No
you don't!" and offering other pertinent but fragmentary remarks.
[Illustration: THE BUSY PARLIAMENTARY BEES ON THE WING.]
"Reminds me," said Member for SARK, "of the scene in the Varden
household, when _Miss Miggs_ returns expecting to be re-instated in
her old place of predominance, near the person of _Dolly's_ mother.
You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she turns rusty, and
betrays her mistress's ability to 'faint away stone dead whenever she
had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,' _Miss Miggs_ continues,
'I never see sich cases with my own eyes. Ho, no! He, he, he! Nor
master neither! Ho, no! He, he, he!'"
So ATKINSON kept up a running commentary on observations of successive
Members, including SQUIRE of MALWOOD and JOKIM. JOKIM at one time,
startled by "Oh! oh!" sounding in his right ear as he was making
very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the folded hands he was
nervously rubbing. Situation growing embarrassing. ATKINSON popping
up with ever-increasing vivacity; his "Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!"
growing in frequency and stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow;
but supposing he won't go? Must JOKIM and the Squire, as Mover and
Seconder of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth? or would the
Sergeant-at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old
game, when BRADLAUGH and dear old friend GOSSET used to perform a
_pas de deux_ between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace?
Happily ATKINSON (still like _Miss Miggs_, as SARK insists) suddenly
collapsed.
"It is usual," observed the SPEAKER, "at this point for an Hon. Member
to withdraw."
"Oh! Oh!" said ATKINSON, "withdraw? Then I withdraw. But," and here he
dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "_I will come back._" Then,
gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth, and the Varden
household--I mean the House of Commons, dropped once more into
commonplace.
[Illustration: Nothing if not critical.]
_Business done._--ATKINSON expelled for a week.
_Tuesday._--SQUIRE of MALWOOD dropped into poetry, and was much
pleased with little exercise. Backed up JOKIM in Motion suspending
Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night, and wind
up business of Session. "We may," he observed, "apply, with a little
variation, the late Mr. MOORE's verse:--
"The best of all ways to shorten our days
Is to steal a few hours from the night."
"That doesn't scan," said CHILDERS, who is nothing if not critical.
"Of course it doesn't," said the SQUIRE, testily; "there are a pair
of feet left out. But _you_ know, TOBY, how they run. The last line
should be, 'Is to steal a few hours from the night, my Love.' Now,
theoretically, and in accordance with order, all our observations
are directed personally to the SPEAKER. Imagine what would have been
said if I had completed the quotation! I should have been accused of
frivolity, and perhaps suspended, like ATKINSON. No, Sir, I know what
I'm about, even when quoting poetry."
Mention this to illustrate the state of terrorism existing in House
just now, after blow that fell on ATKINSON. Only man who prattles on
unconscious of impending doom is MORTON. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS not at all
satisfied with condition of affairs. ATKINSON has stolen march on
him; left him nowhere. Determined to-night to pull up lost way. In
Committee on Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by
£1000; proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee
thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for themselves.
Howled at ALPHEUS continuously for space of ten minutes; then he sat
down, moving reduction in dumb show.
Pity Prince of NAPLES hadn't chosen this time for visit; would have
given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained when
he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to CLARK discoursing
about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including SPEAKER.
_Business done._--Committee of Supply.
_Wednesday._--House rapidly thinning; AKERS-DOUGLAS has hard work to
keep his men together; falling off like leaves in wintry weather. Been
a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of duty to our QUEEN and
Country kept us here unto this last.
"And now I'm off," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I don't know how
you'll get on without me, dear boys."
"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in the
smoke-room for the last cigarette.
"You see," the SAGE continued, "some lives are valuable to the
country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private
feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but RUSTEM ROOSE,
He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and I go. 'But,'
like ATKINSON and another ancient Roman (of whom you may have read in
school-books), 'I return.' In the meanwhile, take care of Mr. G. Don't
let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly endanger his health. It is
precious to all of us, more especially to some of his colleagues on
the Front Bench. I often think of what will happen when he retires
from the scene. I fancy there will be a kind of Suttee. There are
quite a lot of old wives in his political establishment, who cannot
resist, what must, indeed, be their natural inclination, the call to
immolate themselves on the funeral pyre. There's ----, and ----, and
---- ----." (Wild horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone
interested should write to the SAGE, _Poste Restante Marienbad_.)
"They could not think of lingering on the political scene after the
retirement of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the
Suttee. It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will,
moreover, make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench."
_Business done_.--SAGE goes off by the Club train. The two muffled-up
figures seen in the background of the station are emissaries of
AKERS-DOUGLAS charged with the mission of ascertaining whether he's
really gone.
[Illustration: An Idea.]
_Saturday_.--House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday at
latest; but, somehow, drifting on; Members, for their part, drifting
off; affairs reached lowest level; business practically wound up; but
House must needs sit another week in order that Appropriation Bill may
be got through all its stages, and so the Constitution saved.
Looking round the dull and deadly scene, discover WADDY, Q.C., with
legs engagingly intertwined, and the forefinger that has wagged
a verdict out of many juries resting on his massive brow. "Got a
headache?" I asked, that being the most natural thing under the
circumstances.
"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair go off for my well-earned holiday,
leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill."
"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that enthusiasm
which has so often influenced amount of damages in breach of promise
cases. _Business done._--Practically finished. TOBY, M.P., pairs for
remaining days of Session.
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