* * * * *
LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH.--The French Fleet may depend upon a
courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the "Pink" of
Politeness.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY.
_Miss Grundison, Junior_. "THERE GOES LUCY HOLROYD, ALL ALONE IN A
BOAT WITH YOUNG SNIPSON AS USUAL! SO IMPRUDENT OF THEM!"
_Her Elder Sister_. "YES; HOW SHOCKING IF THEY WERE UPSET AND
DROWNED--WITHOUT A CHAPERON, YOU KNOW!"]
* * * * *
"A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."
["Our Session began before last year was closed. It has been
a Session full of anxiety, full of fatigue. I am thankful to
agree with your Lordship in thinking that the people of this
country will recognise that it has been a Session of hard and
valuable work."--_Lord Salisbury at the Mansion House_.]
Don't talk about WEED, FINNEY, FISHER, or DALTON;
As Long Distance Swimmer our SOLLY stands first,
His wild watery way never tempted to halt on,
Undaunted by cold as by hunger or thirst.
Nine months in the waves, though, no man may enjoy;
So he's glad that at last he's in sight of the buoy.
In November last year he first entered the water,
To start on this special, most arduous swim,
It was cold, with the wind in a winterly quarter,
But winds, like the waves, have small terrors for him.
You remember accounts that the papers then gave
(Here's an extract) concerning this King of the Wave.
"SOLLY (of Hatfield), and SMIFF (who hails from Greenlands), started
yesterday (November 25), for a second attempt--the first having been
a failure--to swim from Tithes Pier to Purchase Point Buoy. It was
an unfavourable time of the year for such an unprecedented feat of
natation, but the Hatfield Champion was confident of success. He is a
perfect whale at long-distance immersions, and has been heard to talk
of 'twenty years of resolute' swimming against stream as a comparative
trifle. His 'pal and pardner,' SMIFF--more commonly known as the
Sanguine Old 'Un--was equally confident. Two boats accompanied the
Champion, in one of which was his trusty Pilot, SMIFF, and in the
other a Party of their 'Mutual Friends.' One thing, indeed, was in the
Hatfield man's favour; his lately cocky and contemptuous competitors
had been 'weeded out' by a fortuitous series of adverse circumstances,
including what SOLLY, in a spirit of cynical but excusable elation,
subsequently called 'that beneficent disease, the Influenza.' The
Irish Contingent, which not long ago looked dangerous, had become so
thoroughly demoralised by mutual hostilities and disputes between
them and their backers, that there was not a single 'Paddy' prepared
to enter the water when the signal 'gun' fired for the start. SOLLY,
therefore, had it all to himself; the performance practically resolves
itself into a trial of his skill and endurance, and the 'Scythe
Bearer' is the only enemy against whom the Great Swimmer has to
measure himself. Indeed, he covered what may be called the first stage
of his long journey with ease, and in an unexpectedly short time.
Nevertheless, it is to be feared that 'later on' he will have to
contend against cold, little or no sun, northerly breezes, &c.; the
'flowing tide' will assuredly not always be with him, and before he
gets to the end of his briny journey, even the Hatfield Wonder will
probably have 'had enough of it.'"
True prognostication! But skilful natation
Despite some "anxiety" and much "fatigue,"
Has "pulled SOLLY through" to his "pardner's elation."
Together they've plodded o'er many a league
Of big tumbling billows. See those in the rear!
They were ridden with skill, though regarded with fear.
"The flowing tide" fails him, but side-stroke and breast-stroke
Alternately serve him; fatigued but unhurt,
Like CÆSAR, he swims. "Now mate, put on your best stroke!"
Sings out faithful SMIFFY, his pilot. "One spurt,
My SOL! Two or three more strong strokes and 'tis done;
Our Long Swim, for the Buoy is at hand, and we've won!"
* * * * *
OPERATIC BIRDS.--M. MAUREL can sing but didn't wish to sing in Mr.
ISIDORE DE TRA-LA-LARA's new Opera, _The Light of Asia_. Where was
TRA-LA-LARA when _The Light of Asia_ didn't come out? M. MAUREL
seems to have said, that, if the Opera were produced this season,
he'd be blowed if he sang, and the Opera would probably be damned,
theatrically and operatically speaking. That's the Moral or MAUREL
of the story. _The Light of Asia_ mustn't be snuffed out altogether,
but it may want trimming a bit, in order to shine as brightly as
TRA-LA-LARA expects it to do next season. There's a good time coming,
and good tunes too, we hope.
* * * * *
AMENDE HONORABLE.--In making up the list of outside contributors, _Mr.
Punch's_ Private Secretary regrets having omitted the name of JOHN
HOLLINGSHEAD, the friend of the Bloomsburians, and the determined
foe of Mud Salad Market and Monopolisers. "J.H.," or, to reverse the
initials, "HONEST JOHN," will now be satisfied.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "A LONG DISTANCE SWIM."