HOME AGAIN
Marley, after a year or more in Chicago, found the excitement of his
first return home growing upon him as he looked out the car window and
long before the train entered the borders of Gordon County he eagerly
began watching for familiar things.
In the spirit of holiday which had come in this his first vacation, he
had felt justified in taking a chair in the parlor car, though from the
associations he had formed in his newspaper work it was more difficult
now for him to resist than to yield to extravagances. He had recalled
with a smile how in those first hard days in the freight office he had
joked about going home in a private car, and he had had all day a
childish pleasure in pretending that the empty Pullman was a private
car; he could almost realize such a distinction when he showed the
conductor the pass his newspaper had got for him.
But even if he now felt glad that he was a newspaper man instead of a
railroad man, he was quite willing to return to Macochee on any terms.
He had tried to convince himself that he knew the very moment the train
swept across the Indiana line into Ohio, and he felt a fine glow of
state pride. He held his pride somewhat in check until he heard some one
speak a name that he recognized as that of an Ohio town and then he
boasted to the porter:
"Well, I'm back in my own state again."
The porter, though ready to admit that Ohio was a pretty good old state,
was nevertheless not very responsive, and Marley saw that he would have
to enjoy his sensations all alone.
He could view with satisfaction the figure of a tolerably well-dressed
city man reflected in the long mirror that swayed with the rushing of
the heavy coach. He knew that his return would create a sensation in
Macochee, though he was resolved to be modest about it. Even if he was
not returning to Macochee in the ceremony he had dreamed of, he was
returning in a way that was distinguished enough for him and for
Macochee.
He was eager to see the old town; he tried to imagine his return in its
proper order and sequence, first, the little depot, blistering in the
hot sun of the August afternoon, the rails gleaming in front of it, and
the air above them trembling in the heat; he could see the baggage
trucks tilted up on the platform; from the eating-house came the odor of
boiled ham compromised by the smell of the grease frying on the
scorching cinders that were heaped about the ties; beyond was the grain
elevator that once appeared so monstrous in his eyes; across the tracks,
the weed-grown field; and the only living things in sight the two men
unloading agricultural machines from a box-car abandoned on a siding,
the only sound, the ticking of a telegraph instrument; the target was
set, but the station officials had not yet appeared.
Thence, in thought, he went up Miami Street; he saw the Court House and,
lounging along the stone base of the fence, the loafers whom no one had
ever seen move, but who yet must have made some sort of imperceptible
astronomical progress, for they kept always just in the shadow of the
building; then the old law office across the way; then Main Street, with
its crazy signs, its awnings, and the horses hitched to the racks, then
the Square with its old gabled buildings, the monument and the
cavalryman, the long street leading to his own home, and at last, Ward
Street, arched by its cottonwoods,--and he recalled his unfinished
verses which had taken Ward Street for a subject:
"I know a place all pastoral,
Where streams in winter flow,
And where down from the cottonwoods
There falls a summer snow."
And then, at last, the old house of the Blairs' with its cool veranda,
its dark bricks, its broad overhanging cornices, and Lavinia standing in
the doorway!
He had never forgotten the anguish of his parting that night in spring,
and he had looked forward to this return as an experience that would
expiate it, and restore the lost balance of his life. But now as he
thought of his life in Chicago, of the new scenes and associations, it
came to him that that night after all had been final; the youth who had
then gone forth had indeed gone forth never to return; another being was
coming back in his stead. He had been successful in a way which at first
flattered his pride, but a new sense of proportion had been growing in
him that had lately made him mistrust newspaper work; he had for it a
dislike almost as definite as that which used to displease him in
Weston. He was growing tired of his life as a reporter; it had so many
irregularities, so many hardships; it detached him from wholesome,
every-day existence. He longed for some calling more definite, more
permanent, a work in which he might do things, instead of record them in
an ephemeral way. He had for a while been envious of Weston's progress
in his literary efforts, and for a while he had emulated him, but he had
not been long in recognizing that he lacked literary talent.
Out of this dissatisfaction with himself he had lately gone in earnestly
to complete his law studies, which all along he had pursued in a
desultory fashion. He found some consolation in the hope that he might
be admitted to the bar in the fall, though how or when he was to get
into a practice was still as much of a problem as it had been in the old
days in Macochee. He clung steadfastly, however, to the feeling that his
newspaper work was but a makeshift; Weston and he had constantly
supported each other in this view--it was their one hope.
With thoughts somewhat like these Marley had been whiling away the hours
of his long day's journey from Chicago to Macochee. He had read
thoroughly, and with a professionally critical faculty, all the Chicago
papers, and had long ago thrown them aside in a disorderly pile. Now he
had the tired sense that his journey was nearing its end.
At last he saw the old mill-pond, and his heart leaped in affection;
then he got his umbrella and sticks, took off his traveling cap and put
it in his bag. He stood up for the porter to brush him off, and when he
had selected a half-dollar as a tip, he asked the porter to get his
luggage together, and in a conscious affectation he could not forego,
began to pull on his new gloves. They were nearing Macochee now; and
suddenly the tears started to his eyes, as in a flash he saw his
white-haired father standing on the platform, anxiously craning his neck
for a first glimpse of the boy who was coming home.
Marley's mother did not reproach him when he ate a hurried supper that
evening and then set off immediately for Lavinia's. He renewed some of
the emotions of the earlier days of his courtship as the familiar houses
along the way gradually presented themselves to his recognition; he was
glad to note the changeless aspect of a town that never now could
change, at least in the way of progress, and he discovered a novel
satisfaction--one of the many experiences that were so rapidly crowding
in with his impressions--in the feeling that here, at least, in
Macochee, things would remain as they were, and defy that inexorable law
of change which makes so many tragedies in life. Lavinia must have
recognized his step, for there she was, standing in the doorway, a smile
on her face, and her eyelashes somehow moist. Marley felt a strange
discomposure; there was a little effort, the intimacy of their letters
must now give way to the intimacy of personal contact. But in another
second she was in his arms, and her face was hidden against his breast.
"At last," she said, "you're here!"
He felt her tremble, and he held her more closely. When he released her
she put her hands up to his shoulders and held him away from her, while
she scanned him critically.
"You've grown broader," she said, "and heavier, and--oh, so much
handsomer!"
The Blairs filed in presently, and Marley had the curious sense of this
very scene having been enacted in his presence before, but it lacked the
usual baffling effect of this psychological experience, for he was able
to recall, in an incandescent flash of memory, that it was almost a
repetition of their good-bys that night when he had gone away; Mrs.
Blair was as tender, and if Connie and Chad were a little shy of his new
importance, Judge Blair was as dignified, and as anxious as ever to get
back to his reading. Marley felt once more that permanence of things in
Macochee; this household had remained the same, and it made him feel
more than ever the change that had occurred in him.
In lovers' intense subjectivity, he and Lavinia discussed this change
seriously. They reviewed their old dreams, and now they could laugh at
their defeated wish to live, even in an humble way, in Macochee.
"It was funny, wasn't it?" said Marley. "I was very young
then,--nothing, in fact, but a kid."
"Are you so very much older now?" asked Lavinia with a slight hint of
teasing in her tender voice.
"Well," Marley replied, with a seriousness that impressed him, at least,
as the ripe wisdom of maturity, "I am not much older in years, but I am
in experience, and in knowledge of life. You see, dear, you can measure
time by the calendar, but you can't measure life that way. And Weston
says that there is no calling that will give a man experience so quickly
as newspaper work. You know we see everything, and we get a smattering
of all kinds of knowledge. Weston says that is all that reconciles him
to the business; he says a man learns more there than he ever does in
college. He considers the training invaluable; he says it will be of
great help to him in literature, if he can ever get into literature--he
isn't sure yet that he can. He can tell better after his book is
published. And he says a newspaper experience will help me in the law,
too, that is," Marley added, with a whimsical imitation of Weston's
despairing uncertainty, "if I can ever get into the law."
"You think a great deal of Mr. Weston, don't you?" said Lavinia.
"He's the finest fellow in the world, and the best friend I ever had."
Marley had a curious intuition that Lavinia was a little jealous of
Weston. He immediately sought to allay the feeling with this argument:
"You see, when a man does all for a fellow that Jim has done for me, and
when you have lived with him, and shared your haversack with him, and he
with you, like two soldier comrades, you get right down to the bottom of
him. And I want you to know him, dear, I know you'll like him."
Lavinia was silent, and Marley had a fear that she might not accept
Weston quite so readily.
"He has done me a world of good," he went on. "He has taught me much, he
has corrected my reckoning in more ways than one. He has taught me much
about books; and he has taught me to look sanely on a life that isn't,
he says, always truthfully reflected in books. And besides all, if it
hadn't been for him, if he had not kept me at it and urged me on, I
think I should have been doomed for ever to remain a poor newspaper
man."
"Don't you like newspaper work?" she asked with a shade of
disappointment in her tone.
"I did, but I like it less every day. It's a hard and unsatisfactory
life, and it has no promise in it. A man very soon reaches its highest
point, and then he must be content to stay there. It's the easiest thing
for a young fellow to get a start in, if he's bright; I suppose I'm
making more money than any of the young lawyers in Chicago; but because
it is so easy is the very reason why it is hardly worth while. Things
that are easily won are not worth striving for."
"And you're going to get out of it?"
"Yes, as soon as I can. As soon as I can, I'm going to get into the law.
When Weston first began urging me to keep up my studies, and when
finally he made me go to the night law school, I consented chiefly
because I had always felt the chagrin of defeat in having been compelled
to give it up; lately, I've begun to see things differently, and I've
determined to carry out my first intention and get into the law somehow.
Of course, it's going to be hard. And one has to have a pull there as
everywhere else in these days."
Marley was silent for a moment and, Lavinia thought, a little depressed.
She watched him sympathetically, and yet she was a little troubled by a
sense of detachment. She felt that Weston was now more closely
associated with Marley's struggle than she, and she was disturbed, too,
by the disappointment of finding that his struggles were not at all
ended.
"Weston says," Marley went on presently, "that newspaper work is a good
stepping-stone, and by it I may be able to arrange for some place in the
law which will give me the start I want."
"I thought you liked your work," Lavinia said; "I thought you were happy
in it."
Marley detected her regret, and was on the point of speaking, when
Lavinia went on:
"I don't see why you can't go into literature as well as Mr. Weston."
Marley laughed.
"The reason is that I haven't his talent," he said
"I don't see why," Lavinia argued with some resentment of his humility.
"You haven't enough confidence in your own powers; you let Mr. Weston
dominate you too much."
"Now, dearest," he pleaded, "you mustn't do Jim that injustice. He
doesn't dominate me; but he is so much wiser than I, he knows so much
more. You will understand when you meet him."
"Well," she tentatively admitted, "that is no reason why you shouldn't
in time be a literary man as well as he. Why can't you?"
"Because I can't write, that's why."
"Why, Glenn, how can you say that? Your letters disprove that. Every one
who read them said that they were remarkable, and that you should go
into literature. They said you had such good descriptive powers."
Marley was looking at her in amazement.
"Why, Lavinia, you didn't show them!"
"You simpleton!" she said, with a smile in her eyes, "of course not; but
I have read parts of them to mama and to your mother now and then."
"Oh, well, that's all right," sighed Marley in relief, and then he
resumed his defense of Weston and his analysis of himself.
"Of course, I suppose I can write a fairly good newspaper story; at
least they say so at the office." He indulged a little look of pride,
and then he went on: "But that isn't literature."
"I don't see why it isn't," she said. "I should think it would be the
most natural thing in the world to go from one into the other."
"Not at all. Literature requires style, personality, distinction, and
the artistic temperament."
"I'd say you were talking now like George Halliday if I didn't know you
were talking like Mr. Weston."
"I wish you could hear Weston talk about literature," he said. "He'd
convince you."
"He couldn't convince me that he can write any better than you can."
Lavinia compressed her lips in a defiant loyalty.
Marley paused to kiss the lips for their loyalty, and he compromised the
validity of his own argument by saying:
"As a matter of fact, the law, in America and in England, has given more
men to literature than journalism ever has."
"Then maybe you can enter literature through the law," said Lavinia,
seizing her advantage.
"No," said Marley, shaking his head. "I'm not cut out for it, as Weston
is. Some day he will be a great man, and we shall be proud to have known
him so intimately. And we will have him at our home; I have many a dream
about that."
He looked fondly at her, and her eyes brightened.
"And there is another reason why I want to get out of newspaper work,"
he went on, speaking tenderly, "and that is because everybody says a
newspaper man has no more right to be married than a soldier has."
"But they all are," said Lavinia.
"Yes, they all are, or most of them."
"And I suppose it is the married ones who say that."
"Well, I know one who is going to be married just as soon as he can."
"Who is that,--Mr. Weston?"
"No, but Mr. Weston knows him, and knows his intentions, and he has
promised to be at the wedding and act as best man."
"Oh, it would be fine to have a literary man at the wedding, wouldn't
it."
They talked then about the wedding, and they found all their old
delicious joy in it. Marley said it must be soon now, though with a pang
that laid a weight on his heart, he wondered, as he thought of all the
extravagances he had allowed himself to drift into, where he was to get
the money. He could reassure himself only by telling himself that he was
going to live as an anchorite when he got back to Chicago; even if he
had to give up the pleasant apartment with Weston and go back to the
boarding-house in Ohio Street.
"How shall you like living in Chicago?" he asked. "Can you be happy in a
little flat, without knowing anybody, and without being anybody?"
"I shall be happy anywhere with you, Glenn!" she said, looking
confidently into his eyes.