You are, let us say, a young professional man in chambers or offices,
incompetently guarded by an idiot boy whom you dare not trust with the
responsibility of denying you to strangers. You hear a knock at your
outer door, followed by conversation in the clerk's room, after which
your salaried idiot announces "A Gentleman to see you." Enter a dingy
and dismal little man in threadbare black, who advances with an air of
mysterious importance. "I think," he begins, "I 'ave the pleasure of
speaking to Mr.----" (_whatever your name is_.) "I take the liberty of
calling, Mr.----, to consult you on a matter of the utmost importance,
and I shall feel personally obliged if you will take precautions for our
conversation not being over'eard."
He looks grubby for a client--but appearances are deceptive, and you
offer him a seat, assuring him that he may speak with perfect
security--whereupon he proceeds in a lowered voice.
"The story I am about to reveal," he says, smoothing a slimy tall hat,
"is of a nature so revolting, so 'orrible in its details, that I can
'ardly bring myself to speak it to any 'uming ear!" (_Here you will
probably prepare to take notes._) "You see before you one who is of 'igh
birth but low circumstances!" (_At this you give him up as a possible
client, but a mixture of diffidence and curiosity compels you to
listen._) "Yes, Sir, I was '_ fruges consumeary nati_.' I 'ave received
a neducation more befitting a dook than my present condition. Nursed in
the lap of haffluence, I was trained to fill the lofty position which
was to have been my lot. But, '_necessitas_,' Sir, as you are aware,
'_necessitas non abat lejim_,' and such I found it. While still
receiving a classical education at Cambridge College--(praps you are
yourself an alumbus of _Halma Mater_? No? I apologise, Sir, I'm
sure)--but while preparing to take my honorary degree, my father
suddenly enounced the horful news that he was a bankrup'. Stript of all
we possessed, we were turned out of our sumchuous 'ome upon the cold
world, my father's grey 'airs were brought down sorrowing to sangwidge
boards, though he is still sangwin of paying off his creditors in time
out of what he can put by from his scanty hearnings. My poor dear
Mother--a lady born and bred--sank by slow degrees to a cawfy-stall,
which is now morgidged to the 'ilt, and my eldest Sister, a lovely and
accomplished gairl, was 'artlessly thrown over by a nobleman, to 'oom
she was engaged to be married, before our reverses overtook us. His name
the delikit hinstinks of a gentleman will forbid you to inquire, as
likewise me to mention--enough to 'int that he occupies a prominent
position amongst the hupper circles of Society, and is frequently to be
met with in the papers. His faithlessness preyed on my Sister's mind to
that degree, that she is now in the Asylum, a nopeless maniac! My honely
Brother was withdrawn from 'Arrow, and now 'as the 'yumiliation of
selling penny toys on the kerbstone to his former playfellers. '_Tantee
nannymice salestibus hirae_,' indeed, Sir!
"But you ask what befell myself." (_You have not--for the simple reason
that, even if you desired information, he has given you no chance, as
yet, of putting in a word._) "Ah, Sir, there you 'ave me on a tender
point. '_Hakew tetigisti_,' if I may venture once more upon a scholarly
illusion. But I 'ave resolved to conceal nothing--and you shall 'ear.
For a time I obtained employment as Seckertary and Imanuensis to a
young baranit, 'oo had been the bosom friend of my College days. He
would, I know, have used his influence with Goverment to obtain me a
lucritive post; but, alas, ere he could do so, unaired sheets, coupled
with deliket 'elth, took him off premature, and I was once more thrown
on my own resources.
"In conclusion, Sir, you 'ave doubtless done me the hinjustice to
expect, from all I 'ave said, that my hobjick in obtaining this
interview was to ask you for pecuniary assistance?" (_Here you reflect
with remorse that a suspicion to this effect has certainly crossed your
mind._) "Nothing of the sort or kind, I do assure you. A little 'uming
sympathy, the relief of pouring out my sorrers upon a feeling 'art, a
few kind encouraging words, is all I arsk, and that, Sir, the first
sight of your kind friendly face told me I should not lack. Pore as I
am, I still 'ave my pride, the pride of a English gentleman, and if you
was to orfer me a sovereign as you sit there, I should fling it in the
fire--ah, I _should_--'urt and indignant at the hinsult!" (_Here you
will probably assure him that you have no intention of outraging his
feelings in any such manner._) "No, and _why_, Sir? Because you 'ave a
gentlemanly 'art, and if you were to make sech a orfer, you would do it
in a kindly Christian spirit which would rob it of all offence. There's
not many as I would bring myself to accept a paltry sovereign from, but
I dunno--I might from one like yourself--I _might_. _Ord hignara mali,
miseris succur-reary disco_, as the old philosopher says. You 'ave that
kind of _way_ with you." (_You mildly intimate that he is mistaken here,
and take the opportunity of touching the bell_.) "No, Sir, don't be
untrue to your better himpulses. '_Ave_ a feelin 'art, Sir! Don't send
me away, after allowing me to waste my time 'ere--which is of value _to
me_, let me tell yer, whatever _yours_ is!--like this!.... Well, well,
there's 'ard people in this world? I'm _going_, Sir ... I 'ave
sufficient dignity to take a'int.... You 'aven't got even a trifle to
spare an old University Scholar in redooced circumstances then?... Ah,
it's easy to see you ain't been at a University yourself--you ain't got
the _hair_ of it! Farewell, Sir, and may your lot in life be 'appier
than----All right, don't _hexcite_ yourself. I've bin mistook in yer,
that's all. I thought you was as soft-edded a young mug as you look.
Open that door, will yer; I want to get out of this 'ole!"
Here he leaves you with every indication of disgust and disappointment,
and you will probably hear him indulging in unclassical vituperation on
the landing.
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