[_She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes
no further interest in them._
The VERGER. At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of you,
is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble, with
relics of St. Alb. (_An_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _snorts in disapproval._)
The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the shrine, which are
still visible, were worn away, as you see, by the pilgrims ascending on
their knees. (_The party verify the depressions conscientiously, and
click their tongues to express indulgent contempt._) The spaces between
the harches of the shrine were originally enriched by valuable gems and
mosaics, all of which 'ave now long since disappeared, 'aving been
removed by the more devout parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In the
chapel to your left a monument with recumbent heffigies of Bishop
Buttress and Dean Gurgoyle, represented laying side by side with clasped
'ands, in token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishop
used to make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the
'abit of observing that it was the honly instance in _his_ experience of
a Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. (_He glances round for
appreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to find
that it has produced a general gloom; the_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER,
_indeed, conveys by another and a louder snort, his sense that a Bishop
ought to set a better example._) In the harched recess to your right, a
monument in painted halibarster to Sir Ralph Ringdove and his lady,
erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate widower, with
a touching inscription in Latin, stating that their ashes would shortly
be commingled in the tomb. (_He pauses, to allow the ladies of the party
to express a becoming sympathy--which they do, by clicks._) Sir Ralph
himself, however, is interred in Ficklebury Parish Church, forty mile
from this spot, along with his third wife, who survived him.
[_The ladies regard the image of Sir Ralph with
indignation, and pass on; the_ VERGER _chuckles faintly at
having produced his effect._
The EVANGELICAL S. (_snuffing the air suspiciously_). I'm sorry to
perceive that you are in the habit of burning _incense_ here!
[_He looks sternly at the_ VERGER, _as though to imply that it
is useless to impose upon him._
The VERGER. No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense--on'y the vaults after
the damp weather we've bin 'aving.
[_The_ EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER _drops behind, divided between
relief and disappointment._
A PLASTIC S. (_to the_ VERGER). What a perfectly _exquisite_ rose-window
that is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose it dates from
the Norman period, at _least_?
The VERGER (_coldly_). No, Ma'am, it was only put up about thirty year
ago. _We_ consider it the poorest glass we 'ave.
The PLAST. S. Oh, the glass, yes; _that's_ hideous, certainly. I meant
the--the other part.
The VERGER. The tracery, Ma'am? That was restored at the same time by a
local man--and a shocking job he made of it, too!
The PLAST. S. Yes, it _quite_ spoils the Cathedral, _doesn't_ it?
Couldn't it be taken down?
The VERGER (_in answer to another Inquirer_). Crowborough Cathedral
finer than this, Sir? Oh, _dear_ me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave a
look at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to find
'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be 'igher
as a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appily
proportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest in
existence.
A TRAVELLED S. Ah, you should see the _continental_ cathedrals. Why,
_our_ towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some of
them!
The VERGER (_loftily_). I don't take no notice of foreign cathedrals,
Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I can say is,
I'm sorry _for_ them.
A LADY (_who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture" and an
unsympathetic_ COMPANION). _Do_ notice the excessive use of the
ball-flower as a decoration, dear. Parker says it is especially
characteristic of this cathedral.
UNSYMPATHETIC COMPANION. I don't see _any_ flowers myself. And if they
like to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?
[_The_ LADY WITH THE MANUAL _perceives that it is hopeless to
explain_.
The VERGER. The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches is
considered to belong to the best period of Norman work----
The LADY WITH THE MANUAL. Surely not _Norman_? Dog-tooth is Saxon, _I_
always understood.
The VERGER (_indulgently_). You'll excuse _me_, Ma'am, but I fancy it's
'erringbone as is running in _your_ 'ed.
The LADY WITH THE M. (_after consulting "Parker" for corroboration, in
vain_). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite _Early English_, anyway. (_To
her_ COMPANION.) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round arches
that gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
Her COMP. No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in the
_idea_.
The LADY WITH THE M. I do _wish_ you took more _interest_, dear. Look at
those two young men who have just come in. They don't _look_ as if
they'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of the
Miserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what _I_ like to see!
The VERGER. That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You can go
out by the South Transept door, and that'll take you through the
Cloisters. (_The Party go out, with the exception of the two_ 'ARRIES,
_who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment._) Was there
anything you wished to know?
FIRST 'ARRY. Well, Mister, it's on'y--er--'aven't you got some old
carving or other 'ere of a rather--well, _funny_ kind--sorter thing you
on'y show to _gentlemen_, if you know what I mean?
The VERGER (_austerely_). There's nothing in _this_ Cathedral for
gentlemen o' _your_ sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
[_He turns on his heel._
FIRST 'ARRY (_to Second_). I spoke civil enough to _'im_, didn't I? What
did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?
SECOND 'ARRY. Oh, _I_ dunno. But you don't ketch _me_ comin' over to no
more cathedrils, and wastin' time and money all for nuthink--that's all.
[_They tramp out, feeling that their confidence has been
imposed upon._
[Illustration: "What did 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?"]
[Illustration]