_Aug. 17._--From the time that the queen condescended to desire to place
me in immediate attendance upon her own person, I had always secretly
concluded she meant me for her English reader; since the real duties
of my office would have had a far greater promise of being fulfilled by
thousands of others than by myself. This idea had made the prospect of
reading to her extremely awful to me: an exhibition, at any rate, is
painful to me, but one in which I considered her majesty as a judge,
interested for herself in the sentence she should pronounce, and
gratified or disappointed according to its tenor--this was an exhibition
formidable indeed, and must have been considered as such by anybody in
similar circumstances.
Not a book, not a pamphlet, not a newspaper, had I ever seen near the
queen, for the first week, without feeling a panic; I always expected to
be called upon. She frequently bid me give her the papers; I felt that
they would be the worst reading I could have, because full of danger, in
matter as well as manner: however, she always read them herself.
To-day, after she was dressed, Mrs. Schwellenberg went to her own room;
and the queen, instead of leaving me, as usual, to go to mine, desired
me to follow her to her sitting dressing-room. She then employed me in
helping her to arrange her work, which is chair covers done in ribbon;
and then told me to fetch her a volume of the “Spectator.” I obeyed with
perfect tranquillity. She let me stand by her a little while without
speaking, and then, suddenly, but very gently, said, “Will you read a
paper while I work?”
I was quite “consternated!” I had not then the smallest expectation of
such a request. I said nothing, and held the book unopened.
She took it from me, and pointed out the place where I should begin. She
is reading them regularly through, for the first time. I had no choice:
I was forced to obey; but my voice was less obedient than my will, and
it became so husky, and so unmanageable, that nothing more unpleasant
could be heard. The paper was a curious one enough--all concerning a
Court favourite. I could hardly rejoice when my task was over, from my
consciousness how ill it was performed. The queen talked of the paper,
but forbore saying anything of any sort about the reader. I am sorry,
however, to have done so ill.