_Queen's Lodge, Windsor, Monday, July 17_
With what hurry of mind and body did I rise this morning! Everything
had already been arranged for Mrs. Ord's carrying us to Windsor, and my
father's carriage was merely to go as baggage-waggon for my clothes.
But I wept not then. I left no one behind me to regret; my dear father
accompanied me, and all my dear sisters had already taken their flight,
never more to return. Even poor little Sarah.[203] whom I love very
dearly, was at Chesington.
Between nine and ten o'clock we set off. We changed carriage in
Queen Ann-street, and Mrs. Ord conveyed us thence to Windsor. With a
struggling heart, I kept myself tolerably tranquil during the little
journey. My dear father was quite happy, and Mrs. Ord felt the joy of a
mother in relinquishing me to the protection of a queen so universally
reverenced. Had I been in better spirits, their ecstasy would have been
unbounded; but alas!--what I was approaching was not in my mind--what I
was leaving had taken Possession of it solely.
Miss Port flew out to us as the carriage stopped--the youthful blush of
pleasure heightening her complexion, and every feature shewing her kind
happiness. Mrs. Delany, she said, was gone out with the queen. I
took leave of my good Mrs. Ord, whose eyes overflowed with maternal
feelings--chiefly of contentment. Mrs. Delany came home in about an
hour. A chastened satisfaction was hers; she rejoiced in the prospect
before me; she was happy we should now be so much united, but she
felt for my deprivations, she saw the hard conflict within me, and the
tenderest pity checked her delight.
It was now debated whether I was immediately to go to the Lodge, or wait
for orders. The accustomed method for those who have their majesties'
commands to come to them is, to present themselves to the people in
waiting, and by them to be announced. My heart, however, was already
sinking, and my spirits every moment were growing more agitated, and my
sweet Mrs. Delany determined to spare me the additional task of passing
through such awe-striking formalities. She therefore employed my dear
father--delighted with the employment--to write a note, in her name.
“Mrs. Delany presents her most humble duty to the queen; she found Dr.
Burney and his daughter at her house. Miss Burney waits the honour of
her majesty's commands.”
This, though unceremonious and unusual, she was sure the queen would
pardon. A verbal answer came that I was to go to the Lodge immediately.
O, my dear Susan! in what an agony of mind did I obey the summons! I was
still in my travelling dress, but could not stay to change it. My father
accompanied me. Mrs. Delany, anxiously and full of mixed sensations,
gave me her blessing. We walked; the queen's Lodge is not fifty yards
from Mrs. Delany's door. My dear father's own courage all failed him in
this little step; for as I was now on the point of entering--probably
for ever--into an entire new way of life, and of foregoing by it all
my most favourite schemes, and every dear expectation my fancy had ever
indulged of happiness adapted to its taste--as now all was to be given
up--I could disguise my trepidation no longer--indeed I never had
disguised, I had only forborne proclaiming it. But my dear father now,
sweet soul! felt it all, as I held by his arm, without power to say one
word, but that if he did not hurry along I should drop by the way. I
heard in his kind voice that he was now really alarmed; he would have
slackened his pace, or have made me stop to breathe; but I could not; my
breath seemed gone, and I could only hasten with all my might, lest my
strength should go too.
A page was in waiting at the gate, who shewed us into Mrs. Haggerdorn's
room, which was empty. My dear father endeavoured here to compose my
spirits; I could have no other command over them than to forbear letting
him know the afflicted state of all within, and to suffer him to keep
to his own conclusions, that my emotion was all from fear of the
approaching audience.
The page came in a minute or two to summon me to the queen. The queen
was in her dressing-room. Mrs. Schwellenberg was standing behind her:
nobody else present.
She received me with a most gracious bow of the head, and a smile that
was all sweetness. She saw me much agitated, and attributed it, no
doubt, to the awe of her presence. O, she little knew my mind had no
room in it for feelings of that sort! She talked to me of my journey,
my father, my sisters, and my brothers; the weather, the roads, and
Mrs. Delany, any, every thing she could suggest, that could best tend
to compose and to make me easy; and when I had been with her about
a quarter of an hour, she desired Mrs. Schwellenberg to shew me my
apartment, and, with another graceful bow, motioned my retiring.
Not only to the sweet queen, but to myself let me here do justice, in
declaring that though I entered her presence with a heart filled with
everything but herself, I quitted it with sensations much softened.
The condescension of her efforts to quiet me, and the elegance of
her receiving me, thus, as a visitor, without naming to me a single
direction, without even the most distant hint of business, struck me to
shew so much delicacy, as well as graciousness, that I quitted her with
a very deep sense of her goodness, and a very strong conviction that she
merited every exertion on my part to deserve it.
Mrs. Schwellenberg left me,--at the room door, where my dear father was
still waiting for me, too anxious to depart till he again saw me.
We spent a short time together, in which I assured him I would from that
moment take all the happiness in my power, and banish all the regret. I
told him how gratifying had been my reception, and I omitted nothing I
could think of to remove the uneasiness that this day seemed first to
awaken in him, thank God! I had the fullest success; his hopes and
gay expectations were all within call, and they ran back at the first
beckoning.
This settled, and his dear countenance all fresh illumined with
returning content, we went together to Mrs. Schwellenherg, where we made
a visit of about an hour, in which I had the pleasure of seeing them
upon very amicable terms; and then we had one more tete-a-tete all in
the same cheering style, and he left me to drest, and went to dine with
Mrs. Delany.
Left to myself, I did not dare stop to think, nor look round upon my new
abode, nor consider for how long I was taking possession; I rang for
my new maid, and immediately dressed for dinner. I now took the most
vigorous resolutions to observe the promise I had made my dear father.
Now all was filially settled, to borrow my own words, I needed no
monitor to tell me it would be foolish, useless, even wicked, not to
reconcile myself to my destiny.
The many now wishing for just the same--O! could they look within me. I
am married, my dearest Susan--I look upon it in that light--I was averse
to forming the union, and I endeavoured to escape it; but my friends
interfered--they prevailed--and the knot is tied. What then now remains
but to make the best wife in my power? I am bound to it in duty, and I
will strain every nerve to succeed.