[June, 1786.-A vacancy at this time occurred in the royal
household, from the resignation of Madame Haggerdorn, one of
the queen's German attendants who, together with Madame
Schwellenberg, held the office of keeper of the robes. The
place was much sought after, but her majesty had been so
well pleased with what she saw of Miss Burney, that she
graciously empowered Mr. Smelt to offer her this situation,
allowing her time to consider and weigh its advantages.
Miss Burney, though deeply grateful for such a distinction,
foresaw with alarm the separation from her family and the
total confinement it would occasion; and, in her perplexity
how to decide, she wrote to her friend, Miss Cambridge, in
the following terms.]
_Monday, June, 1786._
... Yesterday evening, while I was with Mrs. Delany, Mr. Smelt arrived
from Windsor, and desired a private conference with her; and, when
it was over, a separate one with me: surprising me not a little, by
entreating me to suffer some very home questions from him, relative to
my situation, my views, and even my wishes, with respect to my future
life. At first, I only laughed: but my merriment a little failed,
me, when he gave me to understand he was commissioned to make these
inquiries by a great personage, who had conceived so favourable an
opinion of me as to be desirous of undoubted information, whether or not
there was a probability she might permanently attach me to herself and
her family.
You cannot easily, my dear Miss Cambridge, picture to yourself the
consternation with which I received this intimation. It was such that
the good and kind Mr. Smelt, perceiving it, had the indulgence instantly
to offer me his services, first, in forbearing to mention even to my
father his commission, and next in fabricating and carrying back for me
a respectful excuse. And I must always consider myself the more
obliged to him, as I saw in his own face the utmost astonishment and
disappointment at this reception of his embassy.
I could not, however, reconcile to myself concealing from my dear father
a matter that ought to be settled by himself; yet I frankly owned to
Mr. Smelt that no situation of that sort was suited to my own taste, or
promising to my own happiness.
He seemed equally sorry and surprised; he expatiated warmly upon the
sweetness of character of all the royal family, and then begged me to
consider the very peculiar distinction shown me, that, unsolicited,
unsought, I had been marked out with such personal favour by the queen
herself, as a person with whom she had been so singularly pleased, as
to wish to settle me with one of the princesses, in preference to the
thousands of offered candidates, of high birth and rank, but small
fortunes, who were waiting and supplicating for places in the
new-forming establishment. Her majesty proposed giving me apartments in
the palace; making me belong to the table of Mrs. Schwellenberg, with
whom all her own visitors--bishops, lords, or commons--always dine;
keeping me a footman, and settling on me 200 pounds a year. “And in such
a situation,” he added, “so respectably offered, not solicited, you may
have opportunities of serving your particular friends,--especially your
father,--such as scarce any other could afford you.”
My dear Miss Cambridge will easily feel that this was a plea not to
be answered. Yet the attendance upon this princess was to be
incessant,--the confinement to the court continual; I was scarce ever
to be spared for a single visit from the palaces, nor to receive anybody
but with permission,--and, my dear Miss Cambridge, what a life for me,
who have friends so dear to me, and to whom friendship is the balm, the
comfort, the very support of existence!
Don't think me ungrateful, meanwhile, to the sweet queen, for thus
singling out and distinguishing an obscure and most unambitious
individual. No indeed, I am quite penetrated with her partial and most
unexpected condescension; but yet, let me go through, for her sake, my
tasks with what cheerfulness I may, the deprivations I must suffer would
inevitably keep me from all possibility of happiness.
Though I said but little, my dear Mrs. Delany was disturbed and good Mr.
Smelt much mortified, that a proposition which had appeared to them the
most flattering and honourable, should be heard only with dejection. I
cast, however, the whole into my father's disposal and pleasure.
But I have time for no more detail, than merely to say, that till the
offer comes in form, no positive answer need be given, and therefore
that I am yet at liberty. Write to me, then, my dearest Miss Cambridge,
with all your fullest honesty, and let me know which you wish to
strengthen--my courage in making my real sentiments openly known, or my
fortitude in concealing what it may be right I should endure....
_Monday Night,_
I have now to add, that the zealous Mr. Smelt is just returned from
Windsor, whither he went again this morning, purposely to talk the
matter over with her majesty. What passed I know not,--but the result
is, that she has desired an interview with me herself; it is to take
place next Monday, at Windsor. I now see the end--I see it next to
inevitable. I can suggest nothing upon earth that I dare say for myself,
in an audience so generously meant. I cannot even to my father utter
my reluctance,--I see him so much delighted at the prospect of an
establishment he looks upon as so honourable. But for the queen's own
word “permanent,”--but for her declared desire to attach me entirely to
herself and family!--I should share in his pleasure; but what can make
me amends for all I shall forfeit? But I must do the best I can.
Write me a comforting and strengthening letter, my dearest Miss
Cambridge. I have no heart to write to Mickleham, or Norbury. I know how
they will grieve:--they have expected me to spend the whole summer with
them. My greatest terror is, lest the queen, from what Mr. Smelt hinted,
should make me promise myself to her for a length of years. What can I
do to avoid that? Anything that has a period is endurable but what can I
object that will not sound ungrateful, to the honour she is doing me and
meaning me? She has given the most highly flattering reasons for making
this application, in preference to listening to that of others; she has
put it upon terms of commendation the most soothing; she is, indeed,
one of the sweetest characters in the world. Will you, too, condemn me,
then, that I feel thus oppressed by her proposal? I hope not,--I think
not;--but be very honest if you really do. I wish I could see you! It
is not from nervousness;--I have always and uniformly had a horror of a
life of attendance and dependence....