_Monday, June 17._--There passed, some time ago, an 'agreement' between
Mr. Crutchley and Mr. Seward, that the latter is to make a visit to
the former, at his country house in Berkshire; and to-day the time was
settled; but a more ridiculous scene never was exhibited. The host
elect and the guest elect tried which should show least expectation of
pleasure from the meeting, and neither of them thought it at all worth
while to disguise his terror of being weary of the other. Mr. Seward
seemed quite melancholy and depressed in the prospect of making, and
Mr. Crutchley absolutely miserable in that of receiving, the visit.
Yet nothing so ludicrous as the distress of both, since nothing less
necessary than that either should have such a punishment inflicted. I
cannot remember half the absurd things that passed--but a few, by way of
specimen, I will give.
“How long do you intend to stay with me, Seward?” cried Mr. Crutchley;
“how long do you think you can bear it?”
“O, I don't know; I sha'n't fix,” answered the other: “just as I find
it.”
“Well, but--when shall you come? Friday or Saturday? I think you'd
better not come till Saturday.”
“Why, yes, I believe on Friday.”
“On Friday! Oh, you'll have too much of it! what shall I do with you?”
“Why, on Sunday we'll dine at the Lyells'. Mrs. Lyell is a charming
woman; one of the most elegant creatures I ever saw.”
“Wonderfully so,” cried Mr. Crutchley; “I like her extremely--an insipid
idiot! She never opens her mouth but in a whisper; I never heard her
speak a word in my life. But what must I do with you on Monday? will you
come away?”
“Oh, no; I'll stay and see it out.”
“Why, how long shall you stay? Why, I must come away myself on Tuesday.”
“O, I sha'n't settle yet,” cried Mr. Seward, very dryly. “I shall put up
six shirts, and then do as I find it.”
“Six shirts!” exclaimed Mr. Crutchley '; and then, with equal dryness,
added--“Oh, I suppose you wear two a-day.”
And so on....
_June 26._--Mr. Crutchley said he had just brought Mr. Seward to town
in his phaeton, alive. He gave a diverting account of the visit, which
I fancy proved much better than either party pretended to expect, as I
find Mr. Seward not only went a day sooner, but stayed two days later,
than was proposed; and Mr. Crutchley, on his part, said he had invited
him to repeat his visit at any time when he knew not in what other
manner “to knock down a day or two. When he was at my place,” continued
Mr. Crutchley, “he did himself up pretty handsomely; he ate cherries
till he complained most bitterly of indigestion, and he poured down
madeira and port most plentifully, but without relief. Then he desired
to have some peppermint-water, and he drank three glasses; still that
would not do, and he said he must have a large quantity of ginger. We
had no such thing in the house. However, he had brought some, it seems,
with him, and then he took that, but still to no purpose. At last, he
desired some brandy, and tossed off a glass of that; and, after all, he
asked for a dose of rhubarb. Then we had to send and inquire all over
the house for this rhubarb, but our folks had hardly ever heard of such
a thing. I advised him to take a good bumper of gin and gunpowder, for
that seemed almost all he had left untried.”