It had never before suggested itself to me that divorce was the only
solution. Divorce had always appeared to me an acknowledgment of
failure--failure of married life. When my son was taken from me I had
cherished the delusion that our differences lay buried in his grave;
that an adjustment of our married life was imminent.... Divorce! To give
him his freedom; to turn me upon the world without anchor, ballast or
compass.... A kind of terror took possession of me--not the terror of
being thrown upon my own resources for a livelihood, since I was not
dependent upon my husband for maintenance, a consideration which
prevents many women from severing a bond which has become repugnant to
them--but the terror of loneliness. I had already tasted of this
bitterness--was I now to be surfeited with it? If only Boy had been
spared to me! O, God, the pity of it all!... And yet, there was no other
way. To carry on the farce of married relationship; to submit to him,
feeling only revulsion, repugnance, was nothing short of prostitution.
And had I not already prostituted the best that was in me? Already the
corroding influences around me had begun to tell. Even John Gailbraith
had noticed the change in me and had alluded to it under the veil of
kindly intent. If I were to save anything from the wreckage I must begin
now, at once--before it was too late. I had seen women, good women,
stronger women than myself, break under the strain of neglect and
loneliness.... Well, I should not break. Pride should sustain me.... The
future ... no, I dared not yet think of the future. It made me quail and
falter in my purpose--a purpose I determined to make known to my husband
on his return.
Arriving at the studio the next morning earlier than was my custom (Will
had not yet put in an appearance and the delay but strengthened my
purpose), I found that John had not yet returned from breakfast. His
small sleeping-quarters, giving upon the studio proper, were open and,
without meaning to be curious, I paused in the doorway. A charcoal
sketch caught my eye. It was my own likeness. Scattered about the room
were other sketches in various stages of development. I turned away,
closing the door behind me. A warm flush suffused my being. I told
myself it was shame at having intruded where I had not been bidden....
The various models of my son stood about the room and beckoned me. I ran
my fingers over the little head, the pouting lips, and laid my cheek to
his in silent salutation. The flood-gates strained and throbbed,
threatening to break through.... A hand closed over mine.... I knew the
hand.... In my complete immersion of thought I had not heard him come
in.... I bent and pressed my lips upon his hand.... We stood looking at
each other. Something of the shock I felt was mirrored in his eyes....
"Margaret ... Margaret," he had said ... and I, all unyielding, had
sought the solace of his arms....
Some time later he placed a chair for me and forced me gently down ...
still quivering under the shock of revelation--revelation, not of what I
had done, but of what I _felt_! The spurious sentiment which had held me
to the past of things shook me with its last convulsive gasps....
Seated in front of me, his hands clasping mine, he read the confusion in
my mind: confusion which speech alone could dissipate....
"I want you to know what is in my mind and heart.... Doubt, a great
question over-shadows all else. I ask myself, can a woman love more than
once? Is there a love for youth, a love for maturity?... You see, I am
not sure that I really love you. I am haunted with the fear that my
loneliness, my wounded pride, my unsatisfied life have caused me to seek
consolation. And I have come to you for that consolation because I
respect and admire you. Propinquity has proved that we are companionable
and that we have much in common. But love demands something more than
companionship, respect and admiration. _You_ would demand something
more.... Whether I am prepared to give you that which you demand is the
question. As I feel now, I could not give you all the marriage relation
implies. Do you understand my scruples? I have the feeling that to go
from one man's arms to another's is nothing short of indecency. Perhaps
time will alter the perspective. But I don't know, John, I don't know!
You see I want to be honest with you. I want to promise nothing about
which I am not sure.... Then, there is your side of it. Can I give all a
man expects from the woman he makes his wife? What have I to give? The
bloom of my womanhood, the ardent passion of youth is forever gone. What
is left may not satisfy you.... It is right that you should go away at
once ... but I shall be lonely.... God and my heart alone know how
lonely I shall be...."
"Margaret, I thank you for your frankness. It only adds to my love for
you. I appreciate and respect the feeling which bids you send me away at
this time. Only don't sacrifice yourself to a prudish modesty; don't
make a fetish of the past. Conserve your tender memories, if you will,
but strip them of overvaluation.... You ask what have you to give.... Do
you believe that because the bloom of your womanhood, your first passion
and its fruition have belonged to another, that there is nothing left to
give? Shall I be giving, does any man give, what he demands of a woman
as the prerogative of his sex? You see, little woman, we are the victims
of a false education. There is one standard for woman, a different
standard for man. It is this faulty double standard which is responsible
for so many unhappy marriages. Some day this will all be changed. There
are signs even to-day of the awakening.... Rid your mind once and for
all of the spectre that the past will stand between us. Don't stultify
your womanhood with a sentimentalism which is the curse of your sex.
Life lies before you. The motherhood which your nature is crying out for
is your rightful heritage. Look ahead, dear. Be true to the best that is
in you ... and remember ... I am waiting...."
I bade him good-bye--and had lingered. His strong hands clasped mine
once more and held me there.... Mutely we looked into each other's eyes
... and thus my husband found us.... Coming in unannounced--whether
intentionally was of small moment. We did not start; instead, I think he
held me closer and met the other's sneer with a clear gaze....
"Drop my wife's hand! Drop it, I say!" Will raised his cane to strike. I
heard it snap and saw the bits in the other's hand. They clenched and
glared at each other....
"It is not necessary to indulge in heroics," I interposed.... "Suppose
we talk it over--sensibly."
As we seated ourselves in preparation for the "_pour-parler_" the ironic
humour of the situation came to my rescue. There was something absurdly
theatrical about Will's attitude: a stentorian breathing; his stride
across the room; a certain punctuated deliberation in the way he
relieved himself of hat and gloves. I had seen him do thus in "strong"
scenes on the stage, many and many's the time. I felt as if I were
waiting for a cue....
"So!" Will began after placing his chair firmly centre.... "So this is
the way you abuse my confidence in you both!... My God, where is your
sense of honour? If I hadn't trusted you so implicitly it wouldn't be so
bad ... but to deliberately strike me from behind!" He rose, strode left
centre and back again. "And you--my wife! _My wife!_ I would not have
believed it of you! I would never have believed it possible that my wife
could so deceive me.... I've been warned about this.... I've been warned
that such a thing as this might happen, but I refused to listen to
gossip ... and nobody had the nerve to tell me the truth.... It's the
same old story ... a husband is always the last one to hear of his
wife's infidelity.... Margaret! _Margaret!!!_"
He stopped and waved his hand tragically in the direction of the models
of Boy....
"How could you.... How could you!... Here under the very eyes of our
little son! Have you no shame, have you no reverence for the memory of
that sainted child?... O, my God! Woman!..."
The mention of the child electrified me ... his cheap grief was
revolting....
"Stop that! Stop your acting! I'm sick, _sick_, _sick_ unto death of the
theatre!... Haven't you one honest, sincere emotion in your nature? Play
the plain, rugged manly hero for once in your life, if act you must!...
You wouldn't believe it of your wife ... _your_ wife.... Do you think
_your wife_ is not made of flesh and blood and sensibilities like other
human beings? What right have you to expect _anything_ from your wife?
How dare you conjure with my son's name?... you, fresh from the arms of
that--that creature!..."
Will eyed me narrowly.
"O ... so you've been listening to gossip, have you? You've been
discussing me between you, is that it? No doubt our friend, here, has
done his best to put you wise, eh? I've had enough of this...."
"You shall stay and hear me out!... It may surprise you to know that our
friend, here, has not even intimated that he knew of your flagrant
liaison.... It may shock you to know that it was your wife, the
gutta-percha doll, who made the first declaration of tenderness, and I'm
glad, I'm glad that I had so much real passion left! I'm glad to realize
that after all I am a human being still, capable of feeling" ... (a
sudden weariness overcame me and left me limp and exhausted). "The
trouble is--you are so impregnated with the rottenness about you, that
you judge all by your own standard.... Let's have done with this!... Any
further discussion will be carried on in the privacy of our home.... I
am sorry ... sorry to have subjected you to this humiliating scene." My
last words were addressed to the man who, tall, gaunt and pale, looked
on--and waited. Through a blur of tears I held out my hand to him....
"Good-bye," I said and left them together.
It was dark when Will returned. I heard him softly close the hall-door
after him. He came into the room where I was lying and sat down beside
me.
"Girlie ... I have something to say to you...." His speech showed a
little thickness and I smelled the liquor on his breath. His tone was
kindly and I felt my rancour soften.
"First, don't let us lose our heads again ... it doesn't help
matters.... Gailbraith and I have talked it over ... and the kindest
thing I can do is to give you a divorce.... That sounds cold-blooded,
doesn't it, between you and me?... but it's the only thing ... the only
right thing. Gailbraith says I'm not playing fair by you; that I am
ruining your life and cheating you out of happiness which I can't give
you myself ... and I guess he's right.... I guess Gailbraith's right....
We've drifted pretty far apart--I realize that now ... but--I want you
to believe me when I say you are the only woman I have ever loved--or
ever will love. The rest are just--experiences; some of them fascinating
while they last, but none of them the real thing. No one will ever
replace you in my heart ... that's certain.... It's too bad--too damned
bad.... It's this hellish business! There ought to be a law to prevent
actors from marrying.... Now for the business end of it: I know you
won't drag in any names as corespondents. We'll fix that up later. I'll
give you a lump sum, now--it can't be as large as I should like it to
be, for there isn't much left. When my season opens I'll make you a
weekly allowance until--until such a time as you are able to dispense
with it. I'll see my lawyer--to-morrow, and fix things up with him.....
Don't you think it might be well for you to go away for a few days to
avoid the newspaper blow-up?"
I nodded. I could not speak....
"There, old pard ... don't take it so hard.... I guess that's all for
the present. I'll be at the club any time you want me....
Good--good-night, Girlie ... and God bless you...."
In the days which followed I appeared to myself like a rudderless ship
in a choppy sea. I did not see John Gailbraith again. He sailed within a
few days after the scene in the studio. In a letter written from the
boat he told me he had not forced himself upon me, knowing my wishes and
respecting them. "Be true to yourself is all I ask," the letter ran,
"and know that whatever you may decide as best for yourself that shall
I abide by."
Following the serving of the papers on Will for absolute divorce, I left
town. Those wretched days were spent on railroad trains, fast trains,
flyers. I got off one only to board another. The sense of "going
somewhere" was in keeping with my mood. When I returned to New York,
worn and relaxed, I appreciated the quiet of what once had been home....
Will had already installed himself at the club. The dismantling of the
apartment was a nerve-racking task. Memories, bitter, sweet, crowded on
each other's heels, "so fast they followed." Will had left a list of
books and trinkets which were to be packed and sent to storage in his
name. In an old trunk, buried beneath dust and grime in the bin, below
stairs, I found endless souvenirs of my married life. Photographs,
letters, my wedding flowers; press-notices, carefully preserved in a
large scrap-book; costumes I had made for Will in the early days of our
struggle; Boy's first shoe.... This inscription on the back of a large
photograph Will had given to me on the day of our betrothal: "To Girlie
from her Boy--until death do us part and even in eternity." ...
Letters, breathing hope and fears and always--love.... Damp with tears,
I gathered the symbols of the wreck and plied a match. I watched them as
they burned ... and crumbled to ashes ... ashes....
* * * * *
I sat in the rear of the dim theatre where I had slipped unnoticed,
after the lights were lowered. I had come to see him as a kind of
leave-taking. To-morrow, the open sea ... a new world.... His voice
thrilled me as before: I smiled at familiar little tricks and
mannerisms.... His features had coarsened somewhat; his figure taken on
flesh, but it was the same Will ... the same handsome lover of my youth.
The scene faded from my view.... I lived again in the past; all rancour
dead, a great tenderness and regret--regret that it should be so.
Silently I stole away, while the lights were low. "God bless you, dear,"
I whispered in my heart, "God bless and keep you, dear."
THE END
Transcriber's note:
Beside a few typographical errors, the following changes have been made:
How long with=>How long will
woman as my right=>woman at my right
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