In a driving rain, under a weeping sky, we followed the little white
casket to the grave--the three of us. There, in the presence of only the
mole-faced grave-diggers and the man of professional black, we yielded
him up. Experience had asked, with a kind of awe, whether she should
call in a minister. I could have shrieked at the mere suggestion! A
minister? On what pretence? To mumble platitudinous euphemisms, worn
thread-bare from usage--to essay to comfort me with specious consolation
ground out like a gramophone: "Be brave, my child! He has gone to a
better world," or "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," or, again,
"You are not alone in your affliction; other mothers have suffered their
dear ones to be removed," et cetera, et cetera. Words! Words! Words!...
As they lowered him in the grave, his father held me close and, in a
voice tremulous with tears, he quoted reverently: "And from his fair
and unpolluted flesh may violets spring." ... And when the earth thud
harshly 'gainst the coffin lid, closing him away forever ... never again
to hold him in my arms--never again to feel his cheek on mine.... O,
Death! your sting lies buried in the hearts of those who stay behind ...
and then to leave him there ... alone ... in the heavy silence of the
dead ... so cold ... all unresisting, his roguish laughter hushed ...
his lips, once red, now blue and drawn ... the wax-like lids shadowed
with heavy fringe ... my Boy ... my Boy ... whose coming we had
deplored, whose little life had so entwined itself about my heart as
made a part of me--the better part.... Well ... he had not tarried
long.... Boy ... _Boy_....
In the overwhelming grief which had come to me, life appeared a void; a
vacuous, heavy-footed thing, with moments of suspended thought, a
merciful numbness of despair, a sound, a familiar sight, a rush of
memory, a freshet of tears, each overlapped the other, so fast they
followed. One of the unpardonable and most resented slights to those in
affliction is the even tenor with which the world wags on its way,
callous and indifferent. One would have it stop, take heed, upheave....
So, when Will announced that it were expedient to rejoin his company
almost immediately I felt a sacrilege was about to be committed. His
role was being played by an understudy, who, after the manner of
understudies, was neither prepared nor equal to the emergency which had
suddenly confronted him. Will urged me to accompany him, pointing out
that to remain in the apartment alone with ever-present reminders of my
loss were to nurse my grief and keep the wound always fresh
"Unnumbered cords, frail strands full fraught with pain,
That join the soul to things of time and sense."
The thought of leaving all that held the nearness of his spirit was
repugnant to me. I wanted to be alone with my grief. Gradually I came to
realize that it was for the best. Experience, too--simple, honest
soul--was shaken by the suddenness and swiftness of our loss. I decided
to send her to her home for a rest and change of scene. After all, what
did it matter where I went?... Boy was not there....
The season dragged by, drab and comfortless. Will's devotion to me was
the only ray of light in the murkiness of my spirit. Our common grief
had bridged the gulf between us. All the gentleness, the tenderness in
his nature seemed to revive. He never left me to accept invitations in
which he knew I could not share; something like the old camaraderie was
restored between us. I found a kind of balm in the thought that, if the
death of my son had been the means of bringing my husband and me closer
together, the sacrifice had not been in vain--and yet--and yet ... in
the inner consciousness of my heart I knew the truth: had I been called
upon to choose, the sacrifice had not been Boy. Truly, life is a
continuous compromise.
The season ended, we returned to New York. Because we could not afford
to move--there being the usual deficit in the family budget--we opened
the apartment. To dwell upon the resurging pain which the reminders in
my home undammed were to make fetish of my grief. Neither did I ask
Experience to return. She, too, belonged to the past of things.
Will had determined to leave his present management and seek new fields.
The company for the next season was to be curtailed and the cast
cheapened, an extended tour of one-night stands. The summer was passed
in New York, and luckily, except for periodic waves of tropical heat,
the weather was not unendurable. Will spent a goodly part of his time at
the Lambs' Club, where he said he kept in touch with the activities of
the managerial world. The season promised to be backward. Plans appeared
to be slow of consummation. The tedium began to tell on Will's nerves
and his temper, especially when he found himself suspended from the
Lambs for non-payment of dues. None of his colleagues came to his
rescue. That the theatrical profession is a fraternal organization is
another of those popular fallacies. There can be no spirit of fraternity
in an overcrowded profession.
It became expedient that Will appeal to his father for financial
assistance, a resort which he postponed as long as possible, since the
old gentleman invariably accompanied his grudging remittances with
advice, censure and no little contumely. Will could not understand why
he was not "snapped up" at once, so he expressed it. He had made good in
his last engagement, had kept himself well advertised (_vide_ the
press-agent) and it would appear that, as a natural sequence, his
services should be in demand. He commented on the statement made by
several managers, viz.: they had nothing in his line. It was evident
that in making a pronounced success in a certain _genre_ of plays he had
become identified with the one type of hero and the managers could "see"
him in no other. Managers are, with rare exceptions, an unimaginative
lot. In no other way can one explain the deluge of plays patterned on
the same type: for example, let a manager by hit or miss produce
successfully a play built around the Far West, immediately there spring
up a dozen of the ilk. Or, again, let a play of farcical construction
score a hit; the public is immediately surfeited with a run of farces.
So with the actor. Let him once become identified with heroes of
romantic drama and the manager fears to entrust him with the dress-suit
role, and vice versa.
More and more I was impressed with the ephemeral quality of the actor's
success. At best the actor's is an aleatory profession and, as in all
games of chance, the losses score highest.
It was well along in the autumn when Will signed and immediately began
rehearsals. The star was a petulant little lady who, by grace of her
marriage with a manager, had been hoisted to her present position, a
position to which she was not equal either by training, personality or
talent. For several seasons the husband-manager had invested--and
lost--large sums of money in the attempt to build up a following for his
wife. The present venture was a kind of last straw. That there was more
or less "feeling" between the couple was evinced by their frequent
_passages d'armes_ of a personal nature, at rehearsals. Accustomed as he
was to the thoroughness of the stage-management under which he had
worked during the past two seasons, Will found the hit and miss methods
of his new affiliation disconcerting and irritating. In addition to
this, the husband-manager-director had a picturesque if not a literate
command of the language. He was in the habit of standing in the centre
aisle or at the back of the theatre and shouting his directions to the
members on the stage. When, as sometimes happened, a member resented the
manager's method of criticism in no uncertain terms, that personage
would back down and with tearful, if blasphemous, appeal explain
himself. On opening nights, in response to the persistent calls from the
claque, the manager reluctantly (!) appeared before the curtain to bow
his acknowledgment--in shirt sleeves--his air of exhaustion contrasting
sharply with his jaws which worked a piece of chewing-gum like a
ticket-chopper in rush hours. It would seem that the vanity of actors is
not an exclusive attribute.
The metropolitan reception of the play and star was not one of
unmitigated joy. The husband-manager, not liking the opinions of the
press, talked back both in print and from the stage. Two ghastly weeks
in New York, playing to a papered house or empty seats, and the company
took to the coal regions. Another fortnight was spent sparring for open
time, reluctantly doled out to the weak, and the company gave up the
ghost. Obviously Will had entered upon a cycle of bad luck. I took upon
myself to look for an engagement. Not only on account of the material
consideration, but because the emptiness and loneliness of my life had
become no longer endurable. Self-imposed tasks palled. My mind refused
to concentrate upon the line of study I had outlined. "And thus the
native hue of resolution is sickled o'er with the pale cast of thought."
The career I once planned for myself had been consigned to the dump
heap of lost illusions. I could not touch the clay which once had
thrilled me with ambition.
Will went about with me on my visits to various managers. He encouraged
me in my intention and I was glad to interest him, to take him out of
himself, as it were. His run of hard luck had preyed on his nerves and
frayed his temper. There was reason for me to suspect he was drinking
more than was good for him. Finally there came an offer of a small part
in a musical comedy which had settled down for a run in New York. The
fact that I was possessed of no great amount of vocal equipment did not
preclude me from the field. The manager intimated that what I lacked in
voice I made up in pulchritude, though I recall he referred to it as
"shape." The salary was to be thirty-five dollars a week. The gowns were
furnished--those worn by my predecessor--though I was called upon to
supply my own shoes, silk hose and gloves. In reality I was to be
nothing more than a show-girl, with a few lines to speak.
Will was in front the night I made my debut. After the performance we
went to a restaurant, there to talk it over. Congratulating me on my
"getting away with it" and telling me how "peachy" I looked, he
laughingly predicted a line of Johnnies at the stage door, flowers, and
the usual perquisites of the chorus girl.... "If you weren't wise to the
game, I'd give you a few pointers," he said, ... "but" ... and here he
reached across the table and patted me on the hands.... "I reckon you're
equal to any situation, old pard.... Just sit tight until I again land
on my feet and then you can cut it out, if you like."
I did not find myself subjected to any fierce onslaughts on the part of
the Johnnies or _viveurs_ about town. Once or twice I received a note
accompanied with flowers. The former I destroyed; the latter I promptly
presented to the least pretty of my five dressing-room mates. She wore
them on the stage and made eyes at the donor, who occupied an upper box,
much to my amusement and to his confusion. I discouraged intimacies of
all kinds, with one exception. But of this more hereafter. The stage
director never attempted to chuck me under the chin or call me "baby,"
as he did other members of the cast. I had had my little run-in with him
at rehearsal when he essayed to yell at me after the manner of his kind.
I stopped short, the orchestra petered out in discord and, walking to
the apron of the stage, I modulated my voice, so that it reached him
quietly but effectively, where he stood in the back of the theatre. "Mr.
M----," I had said, "if you have any further suggestion to offer, you
will please do so in a less offensive manner. My hearing is good and I
believe I have the average amount of intelligence." There was an ominous
silence and the martinet started down the aisle. Behind me I heard a
buzz of approbation from the girls who had suffered at his hands. Just
why the bully changed his mind I never knew. At any rate the rehearsal
was continued. Later the manager chaffed me about the incident. The
manager was an undeveloped little person--as if some hereditary blight
had nipped him in the bud--distinctly Semitic in all his traits. Will
had known him from the time he had abandoned haberdashery for theatrical
management; indeed, I believe he had been a member of the manager's
first venture into the field.
One feature which stands out most prominently in retrospect was my
adaptability to my surroundings. Conditions which once had shocked me no
longer left an impression. Obviously the finer edge of my nature had
worn blunt. Things appeared to me in a kind of impersonal light. My
present path had been chosen from necessity; a part of the scheme of
things, yet a thing apart. The commonplace round of concerns and duties
went on, but life, real life, for the time being lay fallow.
Occasionally, when I caught myself dropping into the slang and jargon I
had absorbed from my fellow workers, I mused a bit and pulled myself up
with a sharp curb. But, as I have said, I was no longer disturbed or
impressed with conditions which once had sent the blood to my cheeks.
The easy familiarity between the sexes which I had thought sufficiently
deplorable in the "legitimate" branch of the theatrical profession was
in the comic opera world flagrantly increased. I have heard a
distinction made between immorality and unmorality, but I fail to
observe any slight deviation from the general result. Vulgar stories,
steeped in smut, went the rounds. Each new one was welcomed and passed
down the line. If one betrayed her disapproval by ignoring the
_raconteur_, she was laughed down and thereafter referred to as "very
up-stage." In the dressing-rooms modesty of person was an unknown
quantity. Not infrequently I found "extra" gentlemen performing lady's
maid service for one of the girls. On one occasion when I slipped on the
iron stairway leading to the stage, badly wrenching my ankle, a sturdy
stage-hand picked me up, carried me to my dressing-room, and, before I
realized what he was about, had pulled off my shoe and was in way of
removing my stocking when I protested. "O, well, if you're that fussy--"
he said as he went out....
One of the most pernicious influences to be contended against by the
girl who tries to go straight is the never-ceasing topic of "men" and
"money." The man behind the bankroll is the basis, in one form or
another, of all the chorus-girl conversations. To be picked out by a man
of means to marry, or, failing this, to be set up in a "swell" apartment
and "put it all over" the girls of her acquaintance, is the hope which
springs eternal in the chorus-girl breast. Even in hard times, when the
champagne appetite needs must be quenched with beer, she dreams of
diamonds. Standing in the wings, waiting for the cue, one hears an
exchange of banter such as this: "Heard you was at the Abbaye last
night.... Where'd you pick him up?... Say, don't you believe anything he
tells you! Henny knows all about him and he says that for a tight-wad
he's got Russell Sage skinned to death!" Or ... "I was at Morrisheimer's
to-day; they're havin' a sale of models. I gotta three-piece velvet suit
for thirty-five dollars, marked down from seventy." ... "Say! He must be
good to you. Why don't you introduce me to some of your gentlemen
friends?"
I once asked a chorus girl of considerable notoriety how she had come to
enter the profession. "O," she replied, "my folks was the poor but
respectable kind. There was a big family of us, and I, bein' the oldest,
had to help out. I didn't get much schoolin' and, after tryin' half a
dozen things like bein' a chamber maid, waitin' in a restaurant and that
kind of business, I tumbled to the fact that I wusn't bad lookin'.
That's all I had; my face and my shape, and the stage was the best place
to show 'em."
My dressing-room mates were typical show-girls; maniere, self-conscious
and always on parade. It was painfully evident they felt themselves
above the chorus, though some of them were pleased to forget the fact
that they were but recently graduated from that class.
One of these girls afterward married an English baronet. I have since
wondered what disposition was made of the baronet's mother-in-law. I
made her acquaintance in the dressing-room one evening, whither she had
come to mend her daughter's wardrobe. She was a splendid specimen of the
complaisant stage-mamma. Clad in rusty black, her portly figure bulging
from ill-fitting stays, one might mistake her for the type of
scrub-woman one sees about the large office buildings of early mornings,
but never, never would one suspect her of being the mother of this
near-Vere-de-Vere. Voluble to a point of madness, she would acquaint you
with the family history, the cause and intimate details of her husband's
untimely taking off and the great hopes she entertained for her
daughter's "getting on." Sometimes she brought with her the youngest of
her offspring, a little girl of six who had already made her debut as a
child-actress. Like all children of the stage, she was precocious and
most unchild-like. In the enactment of laws which are aimed to protect
the child-labourer, an attempt is being made to bring about an exemption
of their application to the stage-child. That the child-actor receives
better pay, that he or she works less hours and under more sanitary
surroundings than do children in other trades and professions, cannot be
gainsaid. But is the economic welfare of the child the prime and only
consideration? Is the physical protection the one and uppermost
consummation to be desired? What of the spiritual, the moral side of the
stage-child? If environment bear the strong influence on human life we
are led to believe, then should the stage-child be removed from its
infectious surroundings. The old saw to the effect of pitch and
defilement is here most applicable.
I have referred elsewhere to the exception I made in my discouragement
of intimacies. On that morning at rehearsal when I had resented the
stage-director's mode of criticism, among others who had approved my act
was a girl whose face had at once attracted me. She was pretty and of
less common type than the chorus averages. There was something
individual about her. Her appearance was neat and I had observed that
her clothes were neither so new nor so extreme as were those of her
colleagues. Also I was impressed with a quiet refinement of manner and
her usage of good English. As we became better acquainted she sometimes
waited for me after the performance and we walked together to the
underground station, where our lines diverged. Later I had asked her to
dine with me on a Sunday when Will was away on a week-end motor trip.
She appeared to enjoy the home atmosphere and visited with me in the
kitchen while I was preparing dinner. Feeling that with our reduced
income we could not afford it, I had dispensed with a servant. And as
Will rarely, if ever, dined at home, my housekeeping duties were not
onerous.
"This is what I have always longed for--a little home all my own," Leila
had remarked, smiling wistfully.... It was after dinner and we had
settled ourselves for a chat.
"Then, in the name of common sense, dear girl, why did you go on the
stage? Home life and a stage career are as antipodal as the poles."
"And yet you manage to blend the two rather charmingly," she retorted.
"Absurd! I'm not trying for a career, and as for home life ... my dear
child, it's the merest pretense. Half the time we are not at home and
the flat has either to be let or remain closed. One never knows from day
to day when the furniture will be packed off to storage."
"Yes ... I presume you are right.... How did I come to go on the
stage?... Well, I suppose it was because I wanted a career of some
kind.... I wanted to _do something_; you know how empty and shallow the
average girl's life is, with the endless round of parties, visits, fancy
work and that sort of thing. I was an only daughter, too. Father was
well-to-do and wrapped up in the affairs of the small city in which we
lived. After he died, mother thought she would like to travel. We went
abroad. It was over there that the idea of a career took a stronger hold
on me. About the only talent I could lay any claim to was music. I had
always played and sung at our home concerts and church sociables.... But
mother didn't encourage me in my ambitions. She argued that, since
father had left us comfortably fixed, why should I want to worry my head
about work? Besides, she said my first duty was to her as long as she
lived. So there it rested.... We just drifted from place to place ...
vegetating...."
"Some parents are like that," I commented.
Leila rested her chin in her palms and went on.... "After mother died I
resolved to go after that career. I returned abroad to study...." She
chuckled a little, probably, at the remembrance.... "Of course, the
_teachers_ said I had a great future ahead of me ... with application
and patience ... infinite patience. Meanwhile I must study--and pay
exorbitant prices for my tuition. The income which had been ample for my
needs heretofore did not go very far under the new regime. I found it
necessary to cut into the capital, realizing the danger of such a move,
but soothing my fears with the dream of my great future.... Well, honey,
the splendid career as you see has ended in the chorus.... And, what's
more, I'm living on my salary." She picked up Will's guitar and began
strumming on it. "What I can't understand," she continued after a while,
"what I feel most is the fact that I don't seem able to pull myself out
of it. I see other girls lifting themselves to better positions; I know
I can sing better than any one of them.... There was Miss Nelson whom
you succeeded. As soon as I heard she was to retire I went to the
manager and asked for her place. He sent me to the musical director,
who heard me sing, commented favorably and said he would report to the
manager. That was the last I heard of it until rehearsal was called and
I learned that you had been engaged.... Tell me, honestly, what's the
matter with me? Why don't I get on? Is it because I haven't any _pull_
or because--" She did not finish her sentence, but switched to
another.... "Take our prima donna for example: three years ago she was
playing a part not bigger than yours. Now look at her! My voice is as
good as hers, if not better, but I can't get them to let me even
understudy her." ...
A vision of the prima donna passed before my eye; an insipidly pretty
woman whose sudden rise to fame had turned her empty little head. Vain,
impetuous, over-keyed, already the marks of dissipation were leaving
their indelible stamp. Whenever I saw her, resplendent in sables,
dangling her jewelled gold-mesh purse, my mind reverted to a well-known
club-man's comment on virtue: "I always measure the chastity of the
unprotected female by the size of her gold-mesh bag; the larger the bag
the less the virtue."
Leila, bent on relieving her mind and heart, went on: "When I went into
the chorus it was a choice between that and Macy's. Of course I'd heard
things about the life, but I told myself that a girl who wants to can go
straight in any walk of life. I had all those copy-book maxims at the
tip of my tongue: 'Virtue is its own reward,' and 'Then let us be up and
doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn
to labour and to wait,' or something like that.... Willie Stewart--you
know the little black-eyed girl who plays next to me on the left--it was
she who gave me my first eye-opener. Seeing that I was new at the
business, she came to me shortly after we opened and asked me if I
didn't want to meet some gentlemen; that she had been asked to bring
some of the girls with her to a beefsteak party which was to be pulled
off that night. I thanked her and told her I did not care to go. Willie
squinted her eyes a little in sizing me up, then treated me to the
following advice: 'Look here, angel child, you'd better go back to home
and mother. This is no place for a minister's daughter. If you haven't
got sense enough to take a chance when it's brought to you on a silver
tray--well, all I've got to say is that you're in wrong. Managers want
the girls that are popular and the way to be popular is to mingle. Just
remember that you don't get anything for nothing in this business or in
no other, as far as I've been able to observe. It's give up--_give up
all along the line_ and it's only the foxy dame that gets what's comin'
to her, even then!'"
"Willie has a very large gold bag, I have noticed," I said.
"And a sealskin coat," Leila added. Then she jumped to her feet and
struck at the sofa pillows viciously.... "It isn't the clothes and that
sort of thing that appeal to me. It isn't the fact that I'm living in a
dingy little room and trying to make ends meet; I'd live on a box of
Uneeda Biscuits a day if I saw any hope, the faintest ray of hope that I
could win out clean, on merit alone, in the end.... Sometimes I think
I'm wrong and that they are right--"
"Leila! You don't think anything of the sort! You know you are right!
Hold on a little while longer; you're sure to win! Why, with a voice
like yours, and your beauty, I should feel so sure of winning that
nothing else would matter--and it doesn't, Leila, nothing else really
counts if you live up to the best that's in you!" I had worked myself
up to a state of enthusiasm where I almost believed my own words. I took
her by the shoulders and held her at arm's length. We looked into each
other's eyes, each trying to pierce the veil behind which are concealed
our true thoughts.
It was nearing the holidays when Will signed for the engagement which
was destined to play such an important role in our future lives. The
star was of foreign origin, with a fascinating accent and a steadily
increasing reputation for eroticism. Under the guise of "high-brow"
drama she revelled in the portrayal of abnormal femininity. Her
adeptness in "suggestive" scenes, to which she lent a startling
verisimilitude, soon gained for her a large, if not altogether
intellectual, following. Will was not altogether satisfied with his
role, but what actor ever is? I consoled him with the fact that the
salary was good and that but little of the present season remained.
With Will on the road, left to myself in the empty apartment, the blue
devils renewed their lease. And when the approach of the Christmas
season began to manifest itself in shop-windows and in holiday rush, my
heartache increased manifold. Leila and I were much together in those
days. My little friend's increasing depression, instead of augmenting my
own, acted as a spur to brighter moods. Together we made the round of
the shops or tramped through the snow in Central Park. Sometimes we
lingered to watch the young people skating on the ice; again we hitched
ourselves to sleds to the merriment of small folk. Coming home alone
from a matinee I would find myself following a party of children out on
an ante-holiday survey. Standing close to them I listened to their
prattle and eager expectancy of a visit from Santa Claus.... If the
tears came I swallowed hard. No one was near to heed. In the seclusion
of my home I fought it out alone.
It had been my intention to carry a box of flowers to the dear one's
grave on Christmas morning. Passing one day through a wretched quarter
of the East Side in search of a dilatory laundress, my steps halted in
front of a cheap toy-shop. Beside me stood a small boy, clinging to the
hand of an older girl, their eyes riveted upon the display within. With
one grimy little hand, stiff and rough from the cold, the small man
smeared the tears from his eyes and snivelled. His threadbare coat,
sizes too large for his meagre frame, his toes showing through his
shoes. The girl's face was peaked and old, as if the despair of life had
already left its stamp. There was something infinitely tender in the way
she held the boy close to her, mutely comforting his grief, her eyes
meeting half defiantly the tinselled magnet of the shop-window, her lips
compressed to stop their mutinous tremble. When at last I brought myself
to break in upon their thoughts, they looked at me like startled
fawns....
The overture was on when I rushed into the theatre that afternoon. With
Leila's help I was in time for my cue. And it was with Leila's help that
I dressed the toys and trimmed the tree and between us, late on
Christmas Eve, we toted a big basket on and off the cars, up the dingy
stairs where Maggie kept house for "me brudder" while their mother went
out to work.... It was Boy's offering, not mine....