BY MAC A'RONY.
Of all tales 'tis the saddest--and more sad
Because it makes us smile. --_Byron._
Contrary to the old saw, "Misery loves company," Damfino wished to
be alone. She said she wanted to cry, but couldn't. She had the
sympathy of us all. Only those who have suffered can appreciate
the sufferings of others. I never shall forget my profanity and
the pain that prompted it when the too considerate Prof. consented
to my electric bath.
And now, with the same kind motives oozing out of his face, he
introduced the sage brush dentist to Damfino. Dr. Arrowroot
dropped his toolchest and seizing his patient by the upper jaw
with his left hand and by the lower jaw with his right, said:
"Open up, madam," and proceeded to examine her molars.
"Locate the claim, Doc?" an on-looker asked, facetiously.
The doctor said he did, but no sooner began to dig than he was
ejected. Then the tooth-doctor called for volunteers to assist
him; every man not valuing his life responded. Two Mexicans held
the remote end of a long pole and pried Damfino's jaws apart,
while several Indians and halfbreeds braced against her sides to
prevent her from kicking and falling.
At length, Doc fastened his forceps on the ulcerated tooth, and,
grinding his teeth and wrinkling his face, yanked with all his
might. He might just as well have tried to pull a tree out of the
ground. He rested a few moments, then sent for some hay wire and a
lariat, and after wiring the lariat to the tooth, tied it to
Damfino's hind feet. We other donks were holding our sides; I
thought I would "bust." Then, when the patient was unbound--that
cantankerous donkey's four legs were roped together to prevent
further excavations in the local cemetery--there was performed the
neatest, cleverest, most thoroughly successful piece of dental
surgery that I ever heard of. That moaning "Old maid" just kicked
the tooth clean out of her jaw. And, s'help me Balaam! the root of
all that evil was three inches long.
Poor Damfino was the last to realize that the trick had been
accomplished, and kept on kicking till she threw off the lariat
and slung the molar half way through the side of the store. When
Pod showed her the tooth, she brayed for the loss of it, and as
evidence of her ingratitude, the shrew turned to me and whispered:
"Mac, since I pulled my own tooth, how can that brutal dentist
have the nerve to ask pay for it?"
"He got the nerve from your tooth, like as not," I said. "You once
told me that the Bible says, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a
tooth,'"--and in a jiffy Damfino made for that innocent,
fleet-footed tooth-doctor, before Pod could have time to settle
with him.
Before long, I was leading the troop up the sage-covered mesa in
step with Damfino's mutterings. When we arrived at Billy Jones'
ranch, Billy was leaning on the picket fence in front of his back
door. His house was once turned around, hind side foremost, by a
cyclone. He was munching pinenuts, and did not budge, at first,
taking us for prospectors. When Pod introduced himself, Billy
almost fell to pieces with surprise. Soon Mrs. Jones came out,
and Pod was almost persuaded to remain over night.
But we did not tarry. It was dark and misty; rain threatened to
descend any moment. When darkness settled, it was as black as
Egypt and almost impossible for me to follow the trail. After a
while a light could be seen through the mist; Pod said it must be
the Tibbits' ranchhouse, where he proposed to camp.
Suddenly, wwhile chuckling over a joke, we donks walked slam-bang
against a barbed-wire fence, throwing the men into a rage. Then I
leading the way, we followed the fence, turned a corner round a
barn, and finally anchored at the back door of the house. Pod
found the doorknob, and made the ranchman's acquaintance, while
Coonskin pitched the tent, unpacked and picketed us donks, then
both men gathered fire-wood with which to cook. Mr. T----, when
once assured that Pod was neither beggar nor tramp, authorized us
animals to be fed grain and hay; but his wife said it was too late
to prepare supper for the men. This did not disturb Pod for he
soon had one prepared.
My, that ranchman was close-fisted! Pod even had to pay for his
kindling wood before starting the fire. The old man was a
plain-looking ruddy-faced Englishman, as snobbish as he was
penurious, but after a time he condescended to "join" the five in
a post-prandial smoke. And not until it was pounded into his thick
cranium, that his strange guests were traveling like princes did
he affect to be hospitable.
Long before dawn, our donkey matin song awoke the natives as well
as our masters, and Pod issued from the tent, half awake, hardly
in presentable condition to face Madam T., who was splitting wood,
while the old man looked on. He now insisted on his "guests"
taking breakfast with him, and afterwards charged for the bacon,
eggs, coffee and bread double the sum charged by other ranchmen
previously. The bill for hay, grain and firewood was also
presented and paid by the amused Prof. Coonskin was rash enough to
hint to Mr. T. that by some oversight no charge had been made for
water, for our party drank lots, but the Briton said no, he'd be
generous.
He accompanied us horseback four miles, nearly to the base of the
mountain, where we turned to cross the pass, and on the way
acquaint us with the superior advantages of country life in
England as compared with the disadvantages in America, and
admitted that, while a squatter in the West, he had for
twenty-five years declined to be naturalized.
The climb over the Antelope Mountains was slow and laborious.
Across the flat valley beyond, mottled with sage and greasewood,
alkali and sand spots, rose the summits of the Kern Mountains. We
trailed through straggly groves of dwarf pines laden with cones,
full of tiny nuts, some of which the men gathered and munched
unroasted. Coonskin said they were a dandy invention, just the
thing to break the monotony of talk, for they kept the jaws at
work just the same; and they were so hard to gather and shuck that
a fellow couldn't eat too many to crowd the stomach.
The valley was about ten miles broad; we crossed it and camped at
the base of another range of mountains, near the V---- sheep
ranch. The boss was away, but his genial wife and son were holding
down the claim. They visited camp after supper, listened to the
Professor's marvelous tales, and next morning the good woman sent
her son horseback to lead us beyond the point of conflicting
trails, to the entrance to the pass to Schelbourne. As the lad
rode off we donks joined in that pathetic hymn: "One more mountain
to cross," just as a sort of parting serenade.
The trail was smooth, but in some places almost obliterated; it
was the old pony express trail of ante-railroad days. Sometimes it
was steep and we donks puffed like engines. There were the charred
stumps of the telegraph poles that the Injuns burned to annoy
Uncle Sam, and occasional ruins of stone or adobe cabins or
saloons, relics of those hot times of savages and fire-water.
Every time I saw one of them I felt dry.
By 11 a. m. we had crossed the summit and were resting near the
great stone barn of Schelbourne. It is built strong, with
sheet-iron doors and shutters, and high enough to admit a stage
coach and four. When the Injuns used to get out for a little
holiday sport, the stage, freighted with passengers, mail and
express, used to drive in at a two-forty gait; and I've heard tell
how the iron doors would shut and give the coach a friendly boost
in the nick of time to receive on their armor a hail of leaden
bullets or a shower of poisoned arrows.
On reaching the plain, I heard my master tell his valet we would
spend that night at Green's ranch. I was glad, for I was hungry;
the savory smell of the nuts the men chewed was tantalizing.
Midway the plain we were stopped to enable Pod to empty a sackful
of cones, which Cheese had threshed by his wibble-wobble motion,
and to refill their pockets with nuts. At length, we arrived at
Green's a half-hour after dark. Here we donks were fed and
watered; then Coonskin proceeded to get camp ready for the night,
while Pod made a fashionable call on Mrs. Green. And--well, he
will tell you what happened.
[Illustration: "_Coonskin and I took shelter behind our
donkeys._"]