BY MAC A'RONY.
Very good; well kissed! an excellent courtesy.--_Othello._
By the time our caravan reached St. Johns, Pye Pod was bewailing
his failure to discover the key to his typewriter's character, the
non-production of his newspaper letter, and the forfeiture of the
check it would have brought him; besides, he was borrowing trouble
by deploring his prospective desert journey ere it had begun.
"What a sleepy old hamlet in which to bid farewell to earth!" he
muttered dejectedly, as we passed the first house. "I'll bet 13 to
1 that there isn't a soul in the whole settlement to welcome us.
The great and only Pythagoras Pod, D. D. (donkey driver), passeth
through with his stately train and entereth the seared and thorny
purgatory of the desert without the perfume of a single rose to
waft to him its balm of comforting sympathy."
Suddenly a happy cheer greeted our ears in the distance. The sound
was sweetly feminine, and Pod said that to his sensitive ear the
angelic chimes swelled and died and softly returned, like the
tender notes of the nightingale in an echo vale. (Pod is often
swelled by the divine inflatus). At this time not a soul beyond
our outfit was visible, but soon we discovered in the foreground
of a kennel-shaped schoolhouse a bevy of girls, all clad in white
and garnished with flowers and delicate vines. As we drove near,
the whole band of pretty maidens, led by the tallest of them,
approached and surrounded us. I knew not whether Pod was
frightened or elated; he fell off my back in an effort to dismount
gracefully.
The pretty chieftess made a bow, and looked at the sky, and played
nervously with her skirt, and turned side-ways, and finally began
to intone her "Him of the Asinine Pilgrimage."
"Noble and valorous courtier," she began softly--and a donk of the
party brayed, "Speak louder!"--"we daughters of St. Johns, Queen
of the Desert, come to greet you with kind and admiring hearts."
(Coxey brayed boisterously, "Here, Here!") "We hail your brilliant
achievement, as the planets hail the sun"--("What a Venus that
middle one," I confided to Pod)--"Your courage, your fortitude,
your manly sacrifice of the associations of your nativity and of
the affectionate kisses of dear ones left behind you. These, we
deem, should be recognized. Therefore, having learned that you and
your stately caravan were coming by this highway and that your
trusty charger, Mac A'Rony, was still standing faithfully by you"
(I bowed at the compliment)--"and your poultroon of long-eared
cavalry"--"For Balaam's sake! What's that she calls us?" I
questioned my mute master. "She means 'Platoon,' not 'poultroon,'"
he explained--"St. Johns has befittingly chosen the flowers of her
desert garden--thirteen comely virgins--to be presented to you on
this momentous occasion. And so, in honor of your famous
exploits," continued the chieftess, composedly, "we now come to
meet the lion fearlessly in his desert haunts. Here, take these
flowers" (she handed Pod a bunch) "and wear them. They will prove a
talisman to conduct you and your party in safety to the farther
desert shore." And with the most exalted, sweet-scented nerve Pod
accepted the bokay. He smelled of it, and examined it, and then
disappointedly yet courageously replied: "I see no tulips among
the flowers, and I love two-lips so much."
"Indeed? Well, then you shall not be disappointed," said the
pretty speaker; and, s'help me Balaam! If that girl didn't step
forward and give my surprised master her two lips. And every one
of the dozen others, except the last one, gave hers too, or drown
me in an alkali pond. The last girl sensibly boxed his ears. Pod
just kissed every mouth of them, from the eldest to the youngest,
save the one. The touching ceremonies over, I rather expected my
master to respond eloquently in a few well-chosen words, but he
was speechless. "Speech!" cried Cheese, and every donkey of us
repeated, "Speech, Speech!" Then Pod found his tongue and began:
"Beautiful and spicy sage-flowers," he bungled; and the maidens'
sweet faces colored,--"I am completely overcome with this splendid
ovation. As frogs dive into a crystal pool, you have disturbed the
morbid surface of my present feelings with radiating ripples which
shall widen and cease to fade into oblivion only when I shall have
reached the desert's opposite strand. The honey you have left on
my lips shall sweeten my ertswhile bitter hours, and the milk of
your human kindness will quench my thirst when the last drop in my
canteen has evaporated. Now I must bid you all a fond and
affectionate farewell."
At once the silver-tongued orator went down the line again,
kissing each and every one of the dozen he had sampled before;
then he got into my saddle. The thirteen foolish virgins backed
sorrowfully against the barbed wire fence with handkerchiefs to
their eyes; the blushing, crimson sun hid his phiz behind the
distant mountains; a dumb weathercock tried to crow as he tucked
himself to roost on a neighboring barn; and our caravan moved on
toward the desert waste.
"A complete triumph," remarked the Professor, swelled with pride;
"but for that eldest prude who slapped my face."
"The incident points a moral," I returned. "Don't attempt to pet
every cat that purrs."