BY MAC A'RONY.
What the devil was the good of a she-ass, if she couldn't
carry a sleeping bag and a few necessities?--_Stevenson._
Our sojourn in Marshalltown was brief. Before leaving, my master
purchased cooking utensils, so that he would not be compelled to
travel more than he ought to in a day to reach a town; now he
could cook his own meals. After going into camp the first night,
Pod fetched out the cooking tools, and having saved up a huge
appetite, went to work to get a fine supper.
"Hello! Coonskin," said he, "what do you think? We've plenty of
frying pans, but nothing to fry--never once thought of buying
grub." And three more disappointed, famished individuals I never
saw. But when to get even they ate double their usual breakfast
next morning and were charged accordingly, Pod was enraged.
We trailed through State Center, Nevada, and Ames to Boone,
arriving at midnight, May 22d; and continued on next day to Grand
Junction, where a farmer invited the men to sleep in his kitchen.
Instead of accepting, they shared with us donks the comforts of
the barn, where, after a supper, cooked at a safe distance from
the hay-stack, Pod received a delegation of gay young chaps from
town. They brought all kinds of prohibition drinks and eatables;
the popping of corks kept me awake until a late hour. And when I
complained, all I got was an invoice of corn on the ear.
The Mayor of Jefferson, during our stop, presented Pod with a
heavy shillalah that was intended as an ornament, but several
times later, persuaded to do business. The Irishman, also, as a
compliment to my ancestry, invited us all to dinner. After passing
through Scranton and Glidden, two or three interesting incidents
occurred on the road to Carroll. One night we were caught in a
shower that seemed to settle down to business for the night.
Coonskin thought he saw a barn in a meadow, so Pod sent him to
investigate. He came back soon and said it was only a double
corn-crib, built so a wagon could drive between, under a roof. All
three thought it was just the thing; it was better than tramping
through rain and mud. So we broke through the fence, and soon were
unpacked and fed all the corn we could eat. The men made their bed
in one of the big cribs of corn, the best they could with their
scant blankets, and went to sleep. Pod told me that wasn't the
first night he had spent in a crib. And I shouldn't wonder if that
were so. I said I preferred corn on the ear to corn on the feet.
It was a funny sight before the men arose. There happened to be
several holes in the inner wall, and the men had twisted and
turned about so much during the night in their dreams and to get
the ears comfortably filled into their backs, that it resulted in
Pod's head sticking out of one hole, Coonskin's foot out of
another, and Barley's seat plugging another. When Pod awoke, his
head was red as a beet; he found his feet higher than his head,
Damfino having pulled the corn out of the hole during the night.
So much did we donks eat that, before starting on the day's
journey, our stomachs ached and doubled us all up.
Then a ridiculous sort of runaway happened. A fat Irishwoman tried
to drive a gentle horse past our party. The pet stuck up his ears
and stopped a hundred feet away; Pod called to the courageous
driver to wait, and that he would send his man to lead the horse
past us. But the woman yelled back that she could manage her own
horse; so she whipped him on. To the left was a marsh deep from
the heavy rains; and the frightened horse made a dash through it,
but he hadn't run far before he stuck knee-deep, right beside us.
The horse snorted and plunged, and tried to get away, but it was
no "go." He burst the traces, and the frantic driver hollered so
that I almost "busted" too.
"Don't move your feet an inch, or you'll go over," Pod cautioned
the woman, but she took it as a personal offense, and said her
feet were all right.
"Help me and Oi'll pay yez!" she implored.
So Coonskin waded in and, tying the reins around the broken
traces, led the horse on to dry land at a safe distance. Then he
held out a hand for his pay.
"Phwat do yez want, ye poppinjay?" said the ingrate.
"You promised to pay me if I would help you," replied the valet,
soberly.
"Ah, gwan, yez crazy loot!" she exclaimed. "Dishpose of thim
hathenish jackasses, ond yez will have money ond th' rishpect of
the community."
Coonskin was watersoaked up to his waist. But before he could get
to a hotel to change his clothes, our little courier met us coming
into town, and inquired, "Hev yuse been havin' a fallin' out wid
de crazy mule?"
"Not by a blank sight," retorted the valet, in ill humor. He felt
like scaring Barley, and he did. "Two women met us down the road a
way driving a fractious horse--horse got frightened at donks--ran
away--upset wagon--both women killed--expect sheriff and posse
after us with shot guns. You weren't in the muss and are safe.
Here's my mother's address."
To say the fellow was scared half to death doesn't express it. It
was his business to gather information and pace our party out of
every town on the best road to the next. On this occasion he took
us out on the longest road to Carroll, saying he had paced us on
that road to elude pursuit.
"Dey's method in my madness, Mr. Pod," said the excited fellow,
leaping off his wheel, to better explain matters. "If de whole
blamed country's after yuse, do yuse tink I was goin' to let yuse
be catched if I could help it? We sticks togedder, we do, tru
t'ick an' thin, an' when de sheriff t'inks he is chasin' yuse one
way, we's chasin' ourselves de udder way, see?" And our courier
looked heroic. Pod said he was grateful, and slyly winked to
Coonskin, who turned his head and grinned.
At Carroll, Pod purchased some canvas for a sleeping-bag. He said
he was tired of sleeping in barns and corn-cribs and such, and if
he had a bed of his own, he would be independent. Barley sewed up
the canvas for him, to save expense, and we left town with the
patent bed.
Of course, the men were anxious to put the thing into service.
About nine o'clock, the three crawled in and soon went to sleep.
The bagful of humanity rested on the sloping roadside where the
grass was thick, their heads being at the higher end, their feet
at the lower.
We donks were up bright and early the next morning eating
thistles, when, suddenly, I heard Miss Damfino giggling. She
nodded toward the sleeping-bag, and I saw a funny sight. The seam
at the foot of the bag had been ripped by the weight of the three
bodies sliding down against it, and now six legs were sticking
out clear up to the knees, the feet turned skyward in all
directions. In a lumber wagon opposite, a farmer sat taking in the
curious sight with a phiz that would make a monkey laugh. One
couldn't tell who or what was in that bag, except for human legs.
Miss Damfino was so convulsed with merriment she just lay down and
rolled.
Now it happened that Cheese V was a droll wag, and chock full of
innocent mischief, so as soon as his eyes lighted on that row of
awkward-looking feet, he quietly strolled over to the sleeping-bag
and commenced to lick the bare soles of those sensitive pedals. In
a minute the peaceful bed looked as if hit by a cyclone. Such
yells, I had never before heard. The men's heads were down so far
in the bag that the terrified fellows didn't know which end to
crawl out of first, so tried both ends at once; and, slap bang me!
if that bag full of live things didn't begin rolling and hopping
about the highway like a sackful of oats. One could have heard the
hollaring a mile off. I laughed so hard I thought I'd die, and
Cheese, Damfino and Don were weak from the strain of their
risibles long afterward. The farmer almost rolled off the seat,
but finally he pacified his excited horse, got down, and caught
the animated bag before it jumped the fence, ripped it open, and
pulled out the dazed men. For the life of me, I thought at one
time the bag would reach the creek across the field, and drown the
men. Cheese escaped detection for his practical joke, and I, from
the way Pod leered at me all day, knew that I got all the blame.