BY MAC A'RONY.
An uneducated person, seeing a picture of a donkey in a field,
sees only a donkey in a field, however well it may be painted,
and I fancy very exceptional ability would be required to make
any of us think a gray donkey sublime, or believe an ordinary
field to be one of Elysian.--_Ideala--Sarah Grand._
There will be many converts to the Darwinian Theory by the time I
have taken Pythagoras Pod to his destination. They are recruiting
all along the line.
The Professor's street lecture in De Kalb in a mist was punctuated
with effusive allusions to his "obstreperous asses," which epithet
only strengthened our ill-feeling toward him, and furnished a new
incentive for Cheese's rascality. When Pod reached the middle of
an elegant burst of rhetoric, that animal, true to asinine
instinct, pushed a hind foot against the orator's stomach and
brought the speech to a finish. The afflicted one was tenderly
borne away, I know not whither, but Cheese whispered probably to a
blacksmith's where a bellows could be had with which to pump wind
into the vacuum.
The following day, my master having come to, it was decreed that
Cheese and I be taken to a smith's to have our corns pared, and
our shoes repaired. Whenever Pod has an idle moment--thank Balaam
he hasn't many!--he amuses himself by torturing a donkey. Shoes
are a nuisance, especially new shoes, and I would much rather go
barefoot as do country boys and girls.
The blacksmith, an expert cobbler, shook hands with us, with
special deference to Cheese, who was to have the new footgear,
then informed my master that if we jacks would treat him with
respect he would do what was right, but if not, he would inflict
on him what he himself had received from us. I overheard Pod
mutter as he departed that he was sure that villain Cheese was
going to kick him by proxy.
When Pod returned, that incorrigible donkey had both smiths in a
corner, and was kicking knots out of the walls. Soon that shop
appeared as if constructed of perforated cardboard, and the two
men as if they were worsted. Both men were saved, however, by Pod,
who ran to a bakery for some cakes with which he completely
subjugated the murderous brute, and enabled the men to complete
the work.
All next day we labored through mud, which made my feet feel good,
but spoiled the looks of our new shoes. That day the Professor
bought a new donkey.
"Sell him cheap, sound as a dye," said the man. Perhaps this was
the truth, but he was the funniest donkey I ever set eyes on. His
face resembled a poodle dog's, except that it was longer, and he
appeared to be a combination of crosses between South American
llama, Rocky Mountain sheep, baby camel, and muley cow, with only
a sprinkling of donkey blood. After this freak was roped to my
saddle and we had proceeded a little way, I asked, "Excuse me,
friend, but what stock did you descend from?"
"Why, live stock," said the simpleton.
The rest of us hid our faces; but I persisted, "Who's your father?"
"I never had a father," he returned. "If I did, he never showed up
in my lifetime. As for my mother, she kicked the tenderloins out
of a farmer's thoroughbred pig, in consequence of which I was left
to shift for myself, so you can't call me a shiftless fellow."
Well, the poor fellow ain't quite as bad off as Topsy, I thought--she
had neither father nor mother.
For a week back Cheese had been complaining of a weak foot, which
explains why Pod desired an emergency donkey. The heavy roads
would have taxed a dray horse. But by shifting the burden from
Cheese and myself to the new acquisition we were able to make
better time with less effort.
The sun was hot, and Poodle's long coat dripped with perspiration.
Before long, we were stopped in front of a house, where a man was
cutting the grass with a lawn-mower.
"Hay, there, Mister!" Pod shouted; "will you loan me that machine
a moment? I'll remunerate you handsomely for the kindness."
The farmer just shouldered that machine and fetched it down to the
roadside. Then my master dismounted, and whispering to the granger
something I couldn't understand, to my utter astonishment
deliberately pushed that lawn-mower almost the whole length of
that donkey's back.
I recall the incident so vividly. First sounded the noisy swish of
the mower, next the fragrant air was hazy with flying hair, hat,
man and mowing machine. A moment of painful silence followed, when
suddenly a clatter from the roof of the house indicated that the
jackass had promptly returned the machine to its owner.
Poor Pod, it looked as if he were no mower. The farmer laid him
gently on the grass, where he finally awoke, and with the aid of
hard cider and a fanning machine was restored. Three miles beyond
he caught the refractory jack that meant only to harm the
machine, he said, and not the man, and securing a slipnoose to
Poodle's tail, roped him to my saddle; next he tied Cheese to my
tail, and leaping aboard his new expedient led the way.
All at once Poodle espied two donkeys grazing in a field. "I must
say a farewell to my sweethearts before leaving," he protested,
braying and making a dash for the fence, dragging me after him. I
often wonder if he had any feeling left in his tail after that;
for while it pained me to drag Cheese, it must have caused Poodle
more pain to tow us two by resorting to such a sensitive extreme.
Had not the fence been a thorn hedge, I verily believe that that
"Samson" would have dragged us across lots to his sweethearts. I
never saw Pod so enraged.
On nearer approach to Rochelle, we stopped in front of a house
where Pod purchased a drink of milk of a woman who was passing
milk cans to a man in a wagon. Neither the man nor the woman asked
a question, much to my surprise, until we had proceeded some
distance, when to prevent a tragedy, nature asserted herself and
impelled the woman to call out: "Say, what be them thar animiles
ye-ve got, stranger?"
"Two are camels, and one is a dromedary," Pod yelled.
"Dromedary!" The woman exclaimed; and, to the man, added, "That's
a new sort of dairy I never heered tell of. Did you, Hank?"