Get money; still get money, boy, no matter by what
means.--_Ben Jonson._
Indiana swamps, woodland, corn fields and log cabins were not
unlike those of Ohio. On arriving in New Haven two hours after
dark, I was quite tired out, and I think my companions were, too.
We had tramped all day without dinner over a road alternately hard
and muddy. I would have stopped to rest at a small place called
Zulu, but the name sounded so cannibalistic that I looked to my
firearms and hurried past.
Next day I registered in Fort Wayne. After calling on the genial
Mayor, I set out to inspect the city and see what my chances were,
for I found the outlook for my delivering a lecture discouraging,
and, although for several days I had barely made expenses, did not
attempt money-making there.
Fort Wayne is notable for its great car-shops and the Indiana
School for the Feeble Minded. In the morning I boarded a car and
rode a mile and a half out of town to the latter. The large
building of brick and terra cotta, viewed in its expansive setting
of well-groomed lawn and gay parterres, presented a picture of
architectural beauty.
The superintendent welcomed me cordially, although it was not
visitors' day, and graciously showed me through the interesting
institution. Its neatness, the clock-work regularity with which
the several departments are conducted, and the great variety and
detail of the mode of instruction given the 550 idiotic inmates
were a revelation to me. Many of the advanced scholars were making
and mending their clothes and bedding; something I couldn't do, I
fear. The idiots are carefully attended day and night. Never
before did I see a natural-born bald-headed person. Here was one,
a funny-looking girl, and I was told she had several brothers,
sisters, parents, uncles and aunts, all bald from birth--a
distinguished family indeed. I wondered whether her disappointment
was as great as that of Pye Pod, who once possessed a head of
hair, then lost it. I have heard it said people who never had
money know not its value, and presume its so with their heirs.
For mortals deprived of reason the place is surprisingly quiet.
The halls are tiled, the floors of the rooms are waxed, and all
are so slippery that the inmates are unable to romp, which is
probably the reason for such stillness. Whenever they gain sense
enough to be boisterous like sane and healthy children, they
instantly fall on their craniums on the polished floor and are
rendered insensible.
I was interested in a group of little girls who were being taught
a game. One wee child with a big head--bigger than I had ever been
accredited with--was sitting in an invalid's chair with her head
resting in an iron prop, because it was too heavy for one body to
support in those hard times, and seated around in ordinary chairs
were epileptic, paralytic, cross-grained idiots, etc., so far
advanced toward health and sanity by careful training as to play a
game.
While the great object of this school is to provide the
unfortunates with a comfortable home and prevent intermarriage, a
few are graduated every year and transferred to the large farm
owned by the institution. I heard the Feeble Minded Brass Band
play; its music I thought quite equal to that of many normal bands
I had heard. The birthdays of great men (excepting that of
Pythagoras Pod), are celebrated, and birthday parties given.
The superintendent drove me back to town and urged me to fetch my
donkey out to entertain the idiots, and invited me to dine with
him. So not telling Mac about the place, I rode him to the Home,
where I found my host and his assistants ready to receive us.
"Shylock there will assist you," said the superintendent, pointing
to a hump-backed inmate.
When we got Mac to the hall entrance the circus began. Two
attendants helped Shylock boost the donkey while I guided his
head, and we managed to pitch the beast headlong into the slippery
hall, where he landed three times in succession--first, on his
knees and heels, second, on his tail, and third, on his back. I
think he imagined he was on ice, for he lay perfectly still,
afraid to move.
The hall floor was cleared, but a bunch of idiotic heads stuck out
of every doorway, and peals of hyenish laughter reverberated
through the building. Finally we got Mac on all fours, and I rode
him slowly down the hall amid the hysterical shouts and screams of
the physically strong, if feeble-minded children, and talking,
yelling and commanding attendants, all of which so frightened my
sensitive mount that he squatted down on the floor, rolled over on
his side, and brayed. Did you ever hear an ass bray in any
confined space? It is awful! These unmanageable pupils and their
overtaxed preceptors fairly went mad, while Mac yelled, "Hell is
empty, and all the devils are here!"
The hall was now a swarming, uncontrollable mass of unbridled
lunacy in human mould; romping, tumbling, fainting, and taxing the
united strength and strategy of the surprised officials to bring
order out of chaos. The jackass went into a veritable fit, kicked
the plaster off the walls, shattered an incandescent light globe,
nearly rolled on top of an idiot who took him for a pussy cat, and
brayed himself hoarse. Suddenly he leaped to his feet and ran
akiting down the tiled hall floor until it turned; then he tried
to turn, and flopping off his feet, came down on his vertebræ. As
soon as we could get him out of doors, I handed him over to
Shylock and went into dinner with the laughing superintendent. I
never want another experience like that. The disappointing feature
about the show was that probably not one idiot would remember it
over to the next day.
The following morning my party set out over a black muddy road.
Thrifty looking farm-houses, many of them of brick, were scattered
along our route, and sheep and cattle basked in the sunshine on
the south side of strawstacks, often attracting wistful glances
from my long-eared partner. Arriving at Churubusco, I put up at a
comfortable hotel near the railroad where the noisy passing trains
kept me awake most of the night, and resumed the journey next day,
after lunch.
Some four miles beyond the village we came to a new iron bridge,
without its approaches filled in. No workmen were about. A single
two-by-twelve plank was stretched from the bank to the bridge at
both ends to enable people to cross, but evidently quadrupeds were
supposed to ford or swim the stream. I tarried some moments
thinking what best to do, when presently a countryman happened by,
and helped me carry a plank from the roadside to widen the bridge
approach for my donkey to walk.
What an ass Mac was! He attempted to walk the planks sideways, and
consequently fell into the deep miry hole, almost into the stream.
I feared he had broken his back, but he escaped injury. The farmer
helped me uncinch the saddle and get Mac up the steep bank on to
the road; then we transferred the plank at the other end of the
bridge to that end and made a three-plank foot-bridge. Finally we
got Mac on to the bridge proper, and by transferring the three
planks to the other end I managed to overcome the obstacle, and
proceeded on the journey, after the loss of two hours. My hat had
anticipated the animal into the hole and was flattened by his
weight; thereafter it supported a gable roof.
Two hours after dark we came to a barn that looked roomy and airy,
and as the next town beyond Wolf Lake was so far away, I concluded
we might as well take possession of it for the night. The barn
door wasn't locked, so I led my animals in, and struck a match. No
horses were visible, but a box stall contained a cow and a calf.
Prowling about with lighted matches, I discovered a buck sheep,
hiding behind his wool in fear of my big dog. I found a measure of
grain for Mac and assigned Don to a pile of hay near the door,
then tucked myself in some straw and drew my mackintosh over my
shoulders, prepared for a night's rest.
I was almost asleep when the calf bawled; again when on the brink
of Lethe, the sheep bleated. Suddenly my restless donkey kicked a
board off the side of the barn and set Don to barking. I yelled,
"Shut up!" Again the dog barked. The next second he made a leap in
the dark, followed by a loud commotion, and at once the atmosphere
indicated plainly what kind of an animal the dog was after. I
couldn't get out of the door without running the lines, which
seemed perilous indeed. Mac kicked and brayed as he never had
before, and my dog was running round the barn trying to get away
from the atmosphere or something. And I was as busy as the rest
endeavoring to bury myself in the straw. Presently the dog and
the buck sheep went to settling some misunderstanding, fighting
like demons. The cow and calf then began to bellow in a discordant
duet, and fearing lest any moment the cow would break the bars of
her stall and enter the general fray, I dug all the harder in the
straw. All at once, amid the obscured exciting scene and above the
tumult, I detected an agonizing groan, and suspected Don was
squeezing the life out of the sheep or the calf or the nuisance;
but when it was all over and I heard the victim gasping in its
death throes, it was plain that my dog had shaken all the strength
out of our unwelcomed guest.
It was impossible for me to go asleep in that great, airy barn. I
crawled out of the straw, and got my donkey out of doors as
quickly as possible. As for Don, I felt indifferent about his
joining our company, if he proposed to be familiar. On over the
deserted highway we groped our way; the dog sneezing, coughing and
rolling by the roadside, the half-suffocated jackass breathing
hard and braying faintly for more air, and I soliloquizing
vociferously about the existence of useless creatures.
The wind blowing head on, I kept some distance ahead of Mac, and
threw mud and stones at the dog, which now seemed particularly
fond of his master, and continued my tirade against such obnoxious
things as we had lately run against.
"Every creature has some redeeming virtue," Mac A'Rony remarked
after a while. "Above all things, don't belittle the skunk; he's
the best financier in the world. He could go into the Stock
Exchange and bull the market with one scent, and all the members
together couldn't bear it." Mac was ever doling out to me
unwelcome philosophy under trying circumstances.
We reached Ligonier, a fine little town eleven miles away, the
next day in time for one o'clock dinner. Since entering Indiana I
had not made expenses; and my little reserve fund was vanishing. I
had been told that Ligonier was a moneyed town, and its people
liberal; so I tried to secure a hall for a lecture, but failing, I
spoke my piece in the street. Fully two hundred persons assembled
to hear me, and encored enthusiastically. I concluded with passing
my hat and collecting 32 cents. I talked again three hours later
on the same spot, and was rewarded with a contribution of three
cents. I think that collection for a lecture is a record-breaker.
Goshen was reached next day by 5 P. M. The Scripture speaks of
Goshen as the land "flowing with milk and honey," but as I have
been told, I am somewhat rusty on Biblical history. At any rate, I
looked forward to replenish my depleted exchequer here, if I had
to resort to extreme measures. Before retiring, I made up my mind
I was going to be awfully disappointed with Goshen. The people of
the section of country I had threaded from the Ohio boundary were
incredulous, superstitious, penurious and suspicious, and those
characteristics seemed to reach their superlative in that
particular town.
Monday dawned still and sunny--an ideal day for hanging out
clothes, but not shingles. I hung out mine, nevertheless; it was
essential to Mac's welfare and to mine, to say nothing of the
dog's.
A drummer showed deep interest in my pilgrimage, and I asked him
how he made out with his business. I had failed signally. He said
he was glad I spoke to him on the subject, and drew me aside.
"See all the thrifty-looking wagon-teams hitched on the two sides
of the Court House Square?" said he; "See those squads of grangers
standing around waiting for something to turn up? Well, every
stranger is looked upon with suspicion. If he attempts to drum up
a new business among these fossils, he is immediately branded a
'fake.' After I had made two unsuccessful trips to this section, I
vowed I would make the third one a success. A fake article sold by
a first-class imitation drummer would just about catch these
people. And ever since that day I have been unloading on them, and
reaping a big harvest. Do you see the moral?"
I said I did, and thanked him. After lunch, during which I was
accredited extremely thoughtful, I drew my friend aside and
whispered, "I have it. I'll buy some axle-grease, and mix it with
sweet oil, and sell it for eye salve!" The drummer eyed me as he
might a wonderful character, felt of my head, and said I'd win
out. At once I went to a drug-store for some pill boxes, blank
labels and perfume, and to a hardware store for axle-grease and
sweet oil; then retired to my hotel room, and mixed my "Eye
Elixir."
As soon as my magic healing wares were ready to put on the market,
I hunted up a sore-eyed tramp I had seen on the street that day,
and promising him a percentage of my receipts, got him to assist
me to get even with the folks he, too, had a grudge against. When
I was fairly started on my eloquent talk about the virtues of "Eye
Elixir," the tramp walked up with the quarter I had given him, and
asked for "another box," saying to the crowd, he'd been looking
for me all over the country and was glad to find me, for his eyes
being almost well from using the first box began to get worse when
he had no more salve, which was the only thing that ever helped
his sore eyes. He said, if he could afford it, he would lay in a
lot of it for future use, not knowing where he could get any more.
Then a boy stepped up and bought a box, and an old woman bought
two boxes, and the sales proceeded so fast when once started that
I soon sold out, and took in $7, selling twenty-seven boxes of
"Eye Elixir" besides the box I had sold to the tramp. I paid him
one dollar for his services, with which he was delighted. This
left me a net profit, after deducting the cost of making the
salve, of $4.90, paying my expenses in town and leaving me a small
balance. Then I cleared out of Goshen as quickly as possible. Oh,
Shakespeare, how truthfully you said, "What fools these mortals
be!"
I resolved that when I should return East I would go by ship
around the Horn, or by train across the Isthmus, or else choose a
trans-continental route which would give that section, honied and
milked by Pye Pod, a wide berth.