a soft, vacillating policy by the parent which permits a child to shirk his
duties and to escape from the natural results of his misdeeds. Through the
parent's taking upon his own shoulders the consequences of the child's
wrong-doing, the child is lured into the false belief that duty may be
shirked, responsibility set aside, and life be made to yield one sweet
round of pleasure. How will a child so trained be prepared to endure the
disappointments and heartaches of a world which compels each of us to
drink his portion of the bitter hemlock?
The other mistake is to employ unnatural or arbitrary punishments. Even the
smallest child has an instinctive idea of justice and resents anything
which he regards as unjust. On the other hand, he learns quickly the
inevitableness with which pain follows the violation of law, and how
certain is the working out of cause and effect.
Mrs. Harrison gives this admirable illustration: "The little one puts his
hand upon the hot stove; no whirlwind from without rushes in and pushes the
hand away from the stove, then with loud and vengeful blasts scolds him
for his heedlessness or wrong-doing. He simply is burned--the natural
consequences of his own deed; and the fire quietly glows on, regardless of
the pain which he is suffering. If again he transgresses the law, again he
is burned as quietly as before, with no expostulation, threat, or warning.
He quickly learns the lesson and avoids the fire thereafter, bearing no
grudge against it."
When the child scatters her toys and playthings all over the room, the
natural penalty is to require that they be gathered up and the room made
tidy; when the boy scampers across the newly-cleaned floor with his muddy
boots, he should be made to mop up the floor carefully; thus in a thousand
similar ways, the parent may train the child to observe care and order in
everything done.
Nothing is more beautiful than a large family where each child is taught to
care for and to rely upon himself, and to give a little willing service to
others. But the tired mother will remark, "Oh, yes, that all sounds very
nice, but mothers have no time to spare to eternally watch and train their
children." Hold a moment, there is a fallacy here; she ought to say, "I
have no time to spare because I failed to train the children in the manner
mentioned." In no other way can the mother save so much time as by taking a
little time at first to train the child to be neat, tidy and orderly, or
later to feel the inevitable consequences of violating law.
Instead of saving time in this sensible way, too often the mother loses
both time and the love of her child through becoming irritable and scolding
the little one for every offence committed. Nothing is worse than scolding,
a sound thrashing administered now and then is far less cruel. Nearly every
evil instinct in the child is aroused through fault-finding and scolding.
How long will it take to teach the parent, once for all, that scolding,
nagging, shutting up in the dark closets, and every other form of arbitrary
punishment arouse in the child a sense of injustice and resentment, which,
if not corrected later, will result in estrangement and loss of love
between parent and child? The child has a right to expect justice from his
parent. Only where this is found will the child develop that sense of
freedom and independence of thought and action which produce the highest
type of individual--one who is able to govern himself.
"But what shall be done when more serious offences are committed?" The
parent may well ask. In all likelihood there will be no serious offences if
the slight ones are treated properly. A mother came to me with her face
full of suppressed suffering. "What shall I do?" she remarked, "I have
discovered that my boy steals money from his father's purse." "Give him a
purse of his own," I answered, "and give him ways of earning money of his
own." It is asserted that more than half the boys sent to reform schools go
there because of theft. How many of them might have been saved if they had
been taught how to earn and to know the value of an honest dollar?
But so long as human nature is imperfect, and frailty so common, we must
expect in every family some occasion to arise that will tax the patience
and the love of the parent to the uttermost. No rule can be given that will
meet every crisis; common sense, justice, forbearance, faith and love may
be used in vain; and reproof, censure, and corporal punishment may also
fail in some supreme emergency, the only recourse that remains after all
these are exhausted is to permit the natural consequences of the deed to
fall upon the head of the transgressor.
Rule: _Parents should rarely punish the child, but should permit the
consequences of carelessness and wrong-doing to fall upon his own head.
Wisdom results from suffering pains and taking pains_.
LESSON XVII
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. Why do evil consequences follow bad deeds?
2. In what sense are nature's punishments kind?
3. What two mistakes are common in child government?
4. Illustrate how natural punishment may be employed by parents.
5. What may be resorted to in serious cases? For further discussion and
study of this subject the following references will be found helpful:
1. Chapter on Moral Education, from Spencer's "Education."
2. "Dealing with Moral Crises," by Cope, from "Religious Education in the
Family."
3. "Misunderstood Children," by Harrison.
ADOLESCENCE
_The Adolescent Period Is a Time of "Storm and Stress," When the Chief
Crises of Life Arise_
Most writers on psychology recognize in the life history of the child
several more or less distinct periods of development. The child is almost
a different being at different levels of his growth. Each period is marked
by peculiar physical, mental and moral characteristics which demand
specific treatment. So great and sudden are some of these changes that
they are sometimes likened to a metamorphosis, indicating an analogy with
certain insects as a change from the larvae and pupae stages to that of
butterflies.
Space will not permit more than a brief account of the most critical of
these periods, namely, the adolescent. This period begins at about the age
of thirteen in girls and fourteen in boys, and continues until about
eighteen. Physically, this stage starts with a very rapid growth which is
frequently doubled in rate within a single year. The girl may, in a few
months, change from a tall, angular, romping tomboy into a blooming,
dimpled young woman, bashful and afraid.
So much energy is required for physical growth that in the early stages of
this period difficult mental tasks cannot be well done. In a young man
especially, this period is marked by awkward, uncouth movements that
indicate uncertain adjustment. Frequently at this time the boy's voice
varies unsteadily from a high falsetto to a low pitch, which is most
mortifying to the youth, who is now bashful probably for the first time in
his life. The girl is suddenly very particular about her appearance, and
her clothes, and the youth for the first time delights in a starched shirt,
patent leather shoes and bright neck-ties.
The health of the individual at this time is usually good; susceptibility
to the diseases peculiar to childhood is slight, but there is increased
danger of acquiring adult diseases, and some writers claim that it is
during this time, when there are great physical disturbances, that the germ
of many adult diseases, such as tuberculosis, are apt to be implanted.
During the early part of this period it is unwise and dangerous for girls
to take part in such strenuous athletic games as basketball, or for boys to
indulge in football. Later when strength and equilibrium have been
restored, these games may be practiced without danger.
But the greatest of all changes, the one fundamental to adolescent life, is
the development of the sex instincts. Fortunate is the youth or maiden
whose parents are sensible and wise enough to instruct them concerning the
nature and purpose of these functions. Good books, such as "What a Boy
Should Know," and "What a Girl Should Know," are invaluable during this
critical time. This sudden ripening of the sex instinct is the cause of the
metamorphosis from childhood to early manhood and womanhood, and is the key
which explains the changes that characterize adolescence.
Emotionally, there is a tremendous awakening. The individual begins to feel
for the first time that he is actually alive and living; heretofore, life
has been a self-centered, matter-of-fact existence; now it enlarges and
becomes charged with intense feeling and significance. "Fear, anger, love,
pity, jealousy, emulation and ambition are either new-born or spring into
intense life."--James. All of these may be termed social instincts and they
imply a widening of the youth's horizon and include a "consciousness of
kind" that has heretofore been lacking.
Now, the youth or maiden truly falls in love; up to this time, regard for
the opposite sex has been merely a light fancy, barely skin deep; but now
it takes hold of the heart strings and plays upon them with an agony that
is truly heart rending. Who is there with red blood in his veins that does
not look back upon his first heart conflict with almost pathetic reverence?
Parents should be more concerned than they usually are over the conquest of
the heart of youth. Such affairs may carry with them consequences which are
more serious than could be anticipated.
At this time the youth or maiden is exceedingly resentful of arbitrary
restraint or punishment. There is a super-sensitiveness and a keen
self-consciousness which cannot brook harshness and coercion. Sympathy and
reasonableness must take the place of censure and punishment. Years ago I
remember seeing a father start to whip his boy who was just emerging into
the adolescent stage, a heavy stick was raised to strike, but the boy
looked his father in the eye without flinching and quietly remarked: "You
may whip one devil out, Father, but I promise you that you'll whip seven
devils in." The stick dropped from the astonished parent's hand; the boy
was never again punished by whipping.
The runaway curve for boys reaches its highest point at this time, and the
girl is likely to be insolent and unmanageable probably for the first and
only time in her life. The greatest crises of life arise at this time
because of the almost criminal ignorance of parents respecting these
revolutionary changes and also because children who may never before have
caused the parents the least trouble or heartache are now as unruly and
unmanageable as a volcano in eruption. This is the time when the youth is
driven from home by the irate father, the time when the rebellious daughter
is condemned without mercy, the critical period when most vices are begun
and most juvenile crimes committed. The parent is apt to exclaim here: "In
Heaven's name, what can be done?" Not even the wisdom of a Solomon could
answer completely; a few suggestions, however, may be offered which will
help to bridge over this critical period.
If the child has had positive training up to this time, the period of
"storm and stress" will be briefer and less severe than it would be
otherwise; but if the negative training has prevailed, there is less hope
that the storm will be weathered. The youth may be caught in the stream of
dissipation and whirled to destruction. At the very least, the parent must
expect fitful and obstinate behavior, and unreasonable action. In boys, the
beginning of the use of tobacco and liquor usually comes at this time. This
is the time, too, of sexual temptation, if not actual indulgence. The
temptation to do something startling is almost irresistible; robberies will
be planned, hold-ups thought of, abductions contemplated; the life of a
desperado entertained. The moral character seems to be in a state of
eruption.
On the other hand, his sympathies and affections may be appealed to as
never before. The parent who has made a confident of his boy or girl, who
has infinite patience and affection, and who fully senses what to except,
may, if other factors are favorable, help tide over this danger zone
without serious results. A steady chum, a little older than the boy, and a
companion more stable than the girl are a most fortunate aid to the parent.
There seems to be a brief time in the career of every youth or maiden when
the influence of his chum or companion is more potent for good or evil than
is the combined influence of parents and relatives.
The common practice of permitting the, adolescent to sleep away from home
is exceedingly dangerous. Many a youth may trace the beginning of his
degeneracy to the downward, push received when he slept away from home.
Care must be exercised also as to the kind of group he associates with; it
is too much to expect a youth to be better than the gang with whom he
consorts. During the most critical part of this critical, epoch neither
youth nor maiden should, attend parties, picnics, or social entertainments,
without a chaperon. This advice may seem radical, but if it is carried
out, perhaps for just one year, until equilibrium is restored, it may
prevent that _one act_ to which so many unfortunates attribute their
downfall.
Fortunate, too, is the adolescent who is permitted to attend a first-class
high school taught by sympathetic teachers who understand the needs of
adolescent nature. The imagination is now more vivid than it ever will be
again, the logical reason is beginning to evolve and this period is
preeminently "the breeding ground of ideas." The school more than any other
agency can keep the imagination, reason, and emotions so fully employed
that little time is left in which to indulge morbid feelings and immoral
thoughts. The school affords a moral atmosphere and gives a choice of good
associates which make it invaluable during this critical epoch. It also
disciplines the feelings and emotions and offers opportunity for emulation,
industry, and the display of both physical and mental power. In truth, the
school so occupies the attention and directs the interest that many a young
man and woman passes through this period unscathed, without ever sensing
the dangers which are escaped.
Finally, a "profound religious awakening" characterizes the early
adolescent stage. It may be doubted that a genuine religious conviction can
exist before this time; at least most writers hold that religious
conversion takes place, if at all, during this period. Previous to this
time, however, religious observance and ceremony should have become
habitual in order that conversion may be most profound. Nothing else is
more powerful than religious conviction and sentiment to reinforce good
conduct and to inhibit wrong action. Religious conviction, together with
the growth of ideals and the employment by the school of the physical and
intellectual capacities, all supplemented by parental counsel and guidance,
should insure the safe passage of the adolescent over this critical crisis
of his life.
LESSON XVIII
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. What are the physical changes that occur during the adolescent period?
2. What dangers to health are common at this time? What safeguards should
be thrown about the youth to keep him strong in body?
3. Discuss the mental, moral, and emotional characteristics of the
adolescent.
4. What is the fundamental cause of the changes that take place?
5. What may be said about religious emotions and conversions during this
time?
6. What practical suggestions would you give to help the parents guide the
adolescent safely over this dangerous period of life?
_Supplemental Studies_: At this point it will be well to take the
supplemental lessons in this book, page 133 to end of volume. These studies
are based on the lectures given by Dr. John M. Tyler. They will blend
beautifully with Professor Hall's discussion and will reinforce strongly
the study of this adolescent age.
TRAINING IN THE HOME
_Certain Phases of Training and Education Can Be Best Accomplished by the
Home_
There are four great agencies or factors concerned in the training and
education of the child: these are, the home, the school, the church, and
the state, or society. Of these, the home ought to be the most helpful
since it is the most important. The child is a part of the flesh and blood
of the parents; he belongs to them in a vital way that transcends his
relationship to everything else in the world.
The parent, then, is the natural trainer and educator of the child,
particularly during the dependent period before the age of accountability
is reached. The parent ought not to shirk this duty or attempt to transfer
it to some other agency. But at the present time there is a strong tendency
to shift more and more responsibility to other agencies, especially to the
school. Many habits which the home once developed are now left largely to
the school; religious training is turned over more and more to the Sunday
School and the church, and much more of the time of children is now spent
in social amusements away from home than ever before.
Then, too, it is certain that the old-time home is passing. It seemed to
have higher ideals and more definite purposes in life than homes now
possess; moreover, it occupied most of the time of the child and taught
him to be industrious and proficient, and to regard life with much more
seriousness than does the home of to-day. The home or the family,
therefore, is not the great superlative factor that it ought to be in
the training and education of the child.
From the first chapter of Cope in "Religious Education in the Family,"
the following is quoted: "The ills of the modern home are symptomatic.
Divorce, childless families, irreverent children, and a decadence of the
old type of separate home life are signs of forgotten ideals, lost motives,
and insufficient purposes. When the home is only an opportunity for
self-indulgence, it easily becomes a cheap boarding house, a sleeping
shelf, an implement for social advantage. While it is true that general
economic development has effected marked changes in domestic economy, the
happiness and efficiency of the family do not depend wholly on the parlor,
the kitchen, or the clothes closet. Rather, everything depends on whether
the home and family are considered in worthy and adequate terms.
"Homes are wrecked because families refuse to take home life in religious
terms, in social terms of sacrifice and service. In such homes, organized
and conducted to satisfy personal desires rather than to meet social
responsibility, these desires become aims rather than agencies and
opportunities. What hope is there for useful and happy family life if the
newly-wedded youths have both been educated in selfishness, habituated to
frivolous pleasures and guided by ideals of success in terms of garish
display?
"It is a costly thing to keep a home where honor, the joy of love, and high
ideals dwell ever. It costs time, pleasure, and so-called social
advantages, as well as money and labor. It must cost thought, study and
investigation. It demands and deserves sacrifice; it is too sacred to be
cheap. The building of a home is a work that endures to eternity, and that
kind of work never was done with ease or without pain and loss and
investment of much time. Patient study of the problems of the family is a
part of the price which all may pay.
"No nobler social work, no deeper religious work, no higher educational
work is done anywhere than that of the men and women, high or humble, who
set themselves to the fitting of their children for life's business,
equipping them with principles and habits upon which they may fall back in
trying hours and making of home the sweetest, strongest, holiest, happiest
place on earth."
The home or family is, or ought to be, the supreme institution, not only
for propagating the race, but also for the preservation and rearing of
children.
There are certain things which only the home can do, which if not
accomplished by it, will likely remain undone. The acquisition of correct
physical habits by the child is one of them. It is preeminently the duty
and privilege of the parent in the early years of the child's life to
impress habits that will make for health and strength. The first six years
are more important physically to the child than all the remainder of his
life. During this time the natural tendency to over-indulgence of the
appetite should be inhibited, and temperance should be reduced to a habit.
The other desirable physical habits already referred to should also be
acquired. Furthermore, it is the sacred duty of the parent to see to it
that the child is not handicapped through physical defects of eye or ear,
enlarged tonsils, adenoids, decayed teeth, or by any other common
imperfection which may be easily and permanently remedied if taken in time,
but which, if neglected, may cause untold suffering and contribute to
failure in life.
The home is responsible directly for training the child to be neat, tidy
and clean in person; it should also train him in good manners, courtesy,
and regard for the rights of others. It also decides whether or not the
boy shall be a brave, manly little fellow or a timid cry-baby; whether or
not the girl shall be sweet, helpful and trustworthy, or shallow, idle and
vain.
The giving of knowledge and instruction in sex hygiene at the proper time
is also a peculiar duty of parents which they must not shirk.
The chief moral virtues are also the result of home training. An obedient,
honest, truthful disposition is characteristic of a good home; a sly,
deceitful, quarrelsome nature is the outcome of improper home influence,
Moreover, the first lessons in respect for law, order and justice are
implanted by the home; improper training in these virtues leads to disorder
and license.
The home, too, must teach the first lessons in industry and impress the
child with the fact that life is made up of work as well as play. Too often
the mother, especially, makes a slave of herself for the children, waits on
them night and day, allows them to sleep late in the morning, stay up late
at night and keep up an incessant round of pleasure while she herself stays
at home and shoulders the entire responsibility of the household. How much
happier the home where each child is trained to do some particular share of
work and to take some responsibility upon himself.
The boy should be permitted to help the father whenever possible. He
should be required to do things promptly and regularly and to learn through
actual experience the amount of toil and sweat required to earn an honest
dollar.
A taste for music and reading must be fostered in the home. Every family
should have some kind of musical instrument and at least a few choice books
for children. The influence of music and good literature on the tastes and
ideals of the future man and woman is so great that it can scarcely be
over-estimated. The use of correct and fluent language is largely a product
of the home. Children imitate the speech heard at home; if this is
incorrect, meagre, or coarse, the child is apt to have the same
imperfection follow him through life.
The family constitutes a most sacred and important social unit, and because
of its intrinsic nature, it can best develop in the child the highest
personal sentiment and social virtue. Among these are affection, sympathy,
love, generosity and good will. If these are not awakened and nurtured by
the home, then there is little hope that they will be acquired elsewhere,
and the child will likely grow into a stony-hearted, selfish pessimist.
Certain religious habits and sentiments also can be impressed naturally and
well only by the family. Among these are trust in God, the beginning of
faith, regard for ceremony, love of Bible stories, respect for authority,
and above all, prayer. The individual who has not been taught at his
mother's knee to pray is likely never to develop into a prayerful man or
woman.