A FEW MORE QUACKS.
The term quack is applicable to all who, by pompous
pretences, mean insinuations, and indirect promises,
endeavour to obtain that confidence to which neither
education, merit, nor experience entitles them.--_Samuel
Parr's Definition._
Of London's modern quacks, one of the most daring was James Graham, M.
D., of Edinburgh, who introduced into England the juggleries of
Mesmer, profiting by them in this country scarcely less than his
master did on the Continent. His brother married Catherine Macaulay,
the author of the immortal History of England, which no one now-a-days
reads; the admired of Horace Walpole; the lady whose statue during her
life-time, was erected in the chancel of the church of St. Stephen's,
Walbrook. Graham's sister was married to Dr. Arnold, of Leicester, the
author of a valuable book on Insanity.
With a little intellect and more knavery, Dr. Graham ran a course very
similar to Mesmer. Emerging from obscurity in or about the year 1780,
he established himself in a spacious mansion in the Royal Terrace,
Adelphi, overlooking the Thames, and midway between the Blackfriars
and Westminster Bridges. The river front of the house was ornamented
with classic pillars; and inscribed over the principal entrance, in
gilt letters on a white compartment, was "Templum Æsculapio Sacrum."
The "Temple of Health," as it was usually spoken of in London, quickly
became a place of fashionable resort. Its spacious rooms were supplied
with furniture made to be stared at--sphynxes, dragons breathing
flame, marble statues, paintings, medico-electric apparatus, rich
curtains and draperies, stained glass windows, stands of armour,
immense pillars and globes of glass, and remarkably arranged plates of
burnished steel. Luxurious couches were arranged in the recesses of
the apartments, whereon languid visitors were invited to rest; whilst
the senses were fascinated with strains of gentle music, and the
perfumes of spices burnt in swinging censers. The most sacred shrine
of the edifice stood in the centre of "The Great Apollo Apartment,"
described by the magician in the following terms:--"This room is
upwards of thirty feet long, by twenty wide, and full fifteen feet
high in the ceiling; on entering which, words can convey no adequate
idea of the astonishment and awful sublimity which seizes the mind of
every spectator. The first object which strikes the eye, astonishes,
expands, and ennobles the soul of the beholder, is a magnificent
temple, sacred to health, and dedicated to Apollo. In this tremendous
edifice are combined or singly dispensed the irresistible and
salubrious influences of electricity, or the elementary fire, air, and
magnetism; three of the greatest of those agents of universal
principles, which, pervading all created being and substances that we
are acquainted with, connect, animate, and keep together all
nature;--or, in other words, principles which constitute, as it were,
the various faculties of the material soul of the universe: _the
Eternally Supreme Jehovah Himself_ being the essential source--the
Life of that Life--the Agent of those Agents--the Soul of that
Soul--the All-creating, all-sustaining, all-blessing God!--not of this
world alone--not of the other still greater worlds which we know
compose our solar system! Not the creator, the soul, the preserver of
this world alone--or of any of those which we have seen roll with
uninterrupted harmony for so many thousands of years!--not the God of
the millions of myriads of worlds, of systems, and of various ranks
and orders of beings and intelligences which probably compose the
aggregate of the grand, the vast, the incomprehensible system of the
universe!--but the eternal, infinitely wise, and infinitely powerful,
infinitely good God of the whole--the Great Sun of the Universe!"
This blasphemy was regarded in Bond Street and Mayfair as inspired
wisdom. It was held to be wicked not to believe in Dr. Graham. The
"Temple" was crowded with the noble and wealthy; and Graham, mingling
the madness of a religious enthusiast with the craft of a charlatan,
preached to his visitors and prayed over them with the zeal of Joanna
Southcote. He composed a form of prayer to be used in the Temple,
called "the Christian's Universal Prayer," a long rigmarole of
spasmodic nonsense, to the printed edition of which the author affixed
the following note: "The first idea of writing this prayer was
suggested by hearing, one evening, the celebrated Mr Fischer play on
the hautboy, with inimitable sweetness, _his long-winded_ variations
on some old tunes. I was desirous to know what effect that would have
when extended to literary composition. I made the experiment as soon
as I got home, on the Lord's Prayer, and wrote the following in bed,
before morning:"
About the "Temple of Health" there are a few other interesting
particulars extant. The woman who officiated in the "Sanctum
Sanctorum" was the fair and frail Emma--in due course to be the wife
of Sir William Hamilton, and the goddess of Nelson. The charges for
consulting the oracle, or a mere admission in the Temple, were thus
arranged. "The nobility, gentry, and others, who apply through the
day, viz., from ten to six, must pay a guinea the first consultation,
and half a guinea every time after. No person whomsoever, even
personages of the first rank, need expect to be attended at their own
houses, unless confined to bed by sickness, or to their room through
extreme weakness; and from those whom he attends at their houses two
guineas each visit is expected. Dr Graham, for reasons of the highest
importance to the public as well as to himself, has a chymical
laboratory and a great medicinal cabinet in his own house; and in the
above fixed fees either at home or abroad, every expense attending his
advice, medicines, applications, and operations, and _influences_, are
included--a few tedious, complex, and expensive operations in the
Great Apollo apartment only excepted."
But the humour of the man culminated when he bethought himself of
displaying the crutches and spectacles of restored patients, as
trophies of his victories over disease. "Over the doors of the
principal rooms, under the vaulted compartments of the ceiling, and
in each side of the centre arches of the hall, are placed
walking-sticks, ear-trumpets, visual glasses, crutches, &c., left, and
here placed as most honourable trophies, by deaf, weak, paralytic, and
emaciated persons, cripples, &c., who, being cured, have happily no
longer need of such assistances."
Amongst the furniture of the "Temple of Health" was a celestial bed,
provided with costly draperies, and standing on glass legs. Married
couples, who slept on this couch, were sure of being blessed with a
beautiful progeny. For its use £100 per night was demanded, and
numerous persons of rank were foolish enough to comply with the terms.
Besides his celestial bed and magnetic tomfooleries, Graham vended an
"Elixir of Life," and subsequently recommended and superintended
earth-bathing. Any one who took the elixir might live as long as he
wished. For a constant supply of so valuable a medicine, £1000, paid
in advance, was the demand. More than one nobleman paid that sum. The
Duchess of Devonshire patronized Graham, as she did every other quack
who came in her way; and her folly was countenanced by Lady Spencer,
Lady Clermont, the Comtesse de Polignac, and the Comtesse de Chalon.
Of all Dr. Graham's numerous writings one of the most ridiculous is "A
clear, full, and faithful Portraiture, or Description, and ardent
Recommendation of a certain most beautiful and spotless Virgin
Princess, of Imperial descent! To a certain youthful Heir-Apparent, in
the possession of whom alone his Royal Highness can be truly,
permanently, and supremely happy. Most humbly dedicated to his Royal
Highness, George, Prince of Wales, and earnestly recommended to the
attention of the Members of both Houses of Parliament." When George
the Third was attacked for the first time with mental aberration,
Graham hastened down to Windsor, and obtaining an interview there with
the Prince Regent, with thrilling earnestness of manner assured his
Royal Highness that he would suffer in the same way as his father
unless he married a particular princess that he (Dr. Graham) was ready
to introduce to him. On the Prince inquiring the name of the lady,
Graham answered, "Evangelical Wisdom." Possibly the royal patient
would have profited, had he obeyed the zealot's exhortation. The work,
of which we have just given the title, is a frantic rhapsody on the
beauties and excellence of the Virgin Princess Wisdom, arranged in
chapters and verses, and begins thus:--
"CHAP. 1."
"Hear! all ye people of the earth, and understand; give ear
attentively, O ye kings and princes, and be admonished; yea, learn
attentively, ye who are the rulers and the judges of the people."
"2. Let the inhabitants of the earth come before me with all the
innocency and docility of little children; and the kings and
governors, with all purity and simplicity of heart.
"3. For the Holy Spirit of Wisdom! or celestial discipline! flees from
duplicity and deceit, and from haughtiness and hardness of heart; it
removes far from the thoughts that are without understanding; and will
not abide when unrighteousness cometh in."
The man who was fool enough to write such stuff as this had, however,
some common sense. He detected the real cause of the maladies of half
those who consulted him, and he did his utmost to remove it. Like the
French quack Villars, he preached up "abstinence" and "cleanliness."
Of the printed "general instructions" to his patients, No. 2 runs
thus:--"It will be unreasonable for Dr Graham's patients to expect a
complete and lasting cure, or even great alleviation of their peculiar
maladies, unless they keep their body and limbs most perfectly clean
with frequent washings, breathe fresh open air day and night, be
simple in the quality and moderate in the quantity of their food and
drink, and totally give up using deadly poisons and weakeners of both
body and soul, and the canker-worms of estates, called foreign tea and
coffee, red port wine, spirituous liquors, tobacco and snuff, gaming
and late hours, and all sinful and unnatural and excessive indulgence
of the animal appetites, and of the diabolical and degrading mental
passions. On practising the above rules, and a widely-open window day
and night, and on washing with cold water, and going to bed every
night by eight or nine, and rising by four or five, depends the very
perfection of bodily and mental health, strength, and happiness."
Many to whom this advice was given thought that ill-health, which made
them unable to enjoy anything was no worse an evil than health brought
on terms that left them nothing to enjoy. During his career Graham
moved his "Temple of Health" from the Adelphi to Pall-Mall. But he did
not prosper in the long-run. His religious extravagances for a while
brought him adherents, but when they took the form of attacking the
Established Church, they brought on him an army of adversaries. He
came also into humiliating collision with the Edinburgh authorities.
Perhaps the curative means employed by Graham were as justifiable and
beneficial as the remedies of the celebrated doctors of Whitworth in
Yorkshire, the brothers Taylor. These gentlemen were farriers, by
profession, but condescended to prescribe for their own race as well,
always, however, regarding the vocation of brute-doctor as superior in
dignity to that of a physician. Their system of practice was a
vigorous one. They made no gradual and insidious advances on disease,
but opened against it a bombardment of shot and shell from all
directions. They bled their patients by the gallon, and drugged them
by the stone. Their druggists, Ewbank and Wallis of York, used to
supply them with a ton of Glauber's salts at a time. In their
dispensary scales and weights were regarded as the bugbears of ignoble
minds. Every Sunday morning they bled _gratis_ any one who liked to
demand a prick from their lancets. Often a hundred poor people were
seated on the surgery benches at the same time, waiting for
venesection. When each of the party had found a seat the two brothers
passed rapidly along the lines of bared arms, the one doctor deftly
applying the ligature above the elbow, and the other immediately
opening the vein, the crimson stream from which was directed to a
wooden trough that ran round the apartment in which the operations
were performed. The same magnificence of proportion characterized
their administration of kitchen physic. If they ordered a patient
broth, they directed his nurse to buy a large leg of mutton, and boil
it in a copper of water down to a strong decoction, of which a quart
should be administered at stated intervals.
When the little Abbé de Voisenon was ordered by his physician to drink
a quart of ptisan per hour he was horrified. On his next visit the
doctor asked,
"What effect has the ptisan produced?"
"Not any," answered the little Abbé.
"Have you taken it all?"
"I could not take more than half of it."
The physician was annoyed, even angry that his directions had not been
carried out, and frankly said so.
"_Ah, my friend_," pleaded the Abbé, "_how could you desire me to
swallow a quart an hour?--I hold but a pint!_"
This reminds us of a story we have heard told of an irascible
physician who died, after attaining a venerable age, at the close of
the last century. The story is one of those which, told once, are told
many times, and affixed to new personages, according to the whim or
ignorance of the narrator.
"Your husband is very ill--very ill--high fever," observed the Doctor
to the poor labourer's wife; "and he's old, worn, emaciated: his hand
is as dry as a Suffolk cheese. You must keep giving him water--as much
as he'll drink; and, as I am coming back to-night from Woodbridge,
I'll see him again. There--don't come snivelling about me!--my heart
is a deuced deal too hard to stand that sort of thing. But, since you
want something to cry about, just listen--your husband _isn't going to
die yet_! There, now you're disappointed. Well, you brought it on
yourself. Mind lots of water--as much as he'll drink"
The doctor was ashamed of the feminine tenderness of his heart, and
tried to hide it under an affectation of cynicism, and a manner at
times verging on brutality. Heaven bless all his descendants,
scattered over the whole world, but all of them brave and virtuous! A
volume might be written on his good qualities; his only bad one being
extreme irascibility. His furies were many, and sprung from divers
visitations; but nothing was so sure to lash him into a tempest as to
be pestered with idle questions.
"Water, sir?" whined Molly Meagrim. "To be sure, your honour--water he
shall have, poor dear soul! But, your honour, how much water ought I
to give him?"
"Zounds, woman! haven't I told you to give him as much as he'll
take?--and you ask me how much! _How much?_--give him a couple of
pails of water, if he'll take 'em. Now, do you hear me, you old fool?
Give him a couple of pails."
"The Lord bless your honour--yes," whined Molly.
To get beyond the reach of her miserable voice the Doctor ran to his
horse, and rode off to Woodbridge. At night as he returned, he stopped
at the cottage to inquire after the sick man.
"He's bin took away, yer honour," said the woman, as the physician
entered. "The water didn't fare to do him noan good--noan in the
lessest, sir. Only then we couldn't get down the right quantity,
though we did our best. We got down better nor a pail and a half,
when he slipped out o' our hands. Ah, yer honour! if we could but ha'
got him to swaller the rest, he might still be alive! But we did our
best, Doctor!"
Clumsy empirics, however, as the Taylors were, they attended people of
the first importance. The elder Taylor was called to London to attend
Thurlow, Bishop of Durham, the brother of Lord Chancellor Thurlow. The
representative men of the Faculty received him at the bishop's
residence, but he would not commence the consultation till the arrival
of John Hunter. "I won't say a word till Jack Hunter comes," roared
the Whitworth doctor; "he's the only man of you who knows anything."
When Hunter arrived, Taylor proceeded to his examination of the
bishop's state, and, in the course of it, used some ointment which he
took from a box.
"What's it made of?" Hunter asked.
"That's not a fair question," said Taylor, turning to the Lord
Chancellor, who happened to be present. "No, no, Jack. I'll send you
as much as you please, but I won't tell you what it's made of."