DR. CLAYTON.
Rapidly, and to me very happily, did the winter pass away, for it was
enlivened by the presence of Mr. Delafield, who was with us so often,
that it became at last a serious debate among the blacks as to
whether Cedar Grove or Sunny Bank were really his home. More than
once, too, was it whispered in the village, that little _Rosa Lee_,
plain and unassuming as she was, had stirred in the heart of the
"stern old bachelor" a far deeper feeling than Ada Montrose had ever
been capable of awakening. And sometimes she, foolish child that she
was, thought so too, not from anything he said, neither from anything
which he did; indeed, it would have been hard for her to tell why her
heart sometimes beat so fast when he was near, for though his manner
was always kind and considerate, he never spoke to her of love--never
appeared as he had once done in the summer-house, when she gave him
such silly answers!
And still, occasionally, Rosa dared to hope that her love was
returned, else why did each day find him at her side where he
lingered so long, saying to her but little, but watching her
movements, and listening to her words, as he would not have done had
she been to him an object of indifference. Not naturally quick to
read human nature, Mrs. Lansing was wholly deceived by her brother's
cold exterior, and never dreaming how in secret he worshiped the
humble girl she called her governess, she left them much together.
Why then, did he never speak to her of the passion which had become a
part of his being? Simply because he, too, was deceived. Once,
indeed, he had essayed to tell her of his love, and dreading lest his
affection should not be returned, he was the more ready to construe
her evasive replies into a belief that it was indeed as he feared.
Then, too, her shy, reserved manner, while it made him prize her all
the more, disheartened him; for not thus was he accustomed to being
treated, and with that jealousy which seems to be the twin sister of
love, he ofttimes thought he read aversion and distrust, when there
was, on Rosa's part, naught save a fear lest he should discover her
secret, and despise her for it. Added to this was the remembrance of
what Ada had said concerning her former engagement with Dr. Clayton.
True, Rosa had denied the engagement, but when charged with having
loved him she had remained silent; thus proving the story correct.
And if she loved him when a child, was it not probable that she loved
him still, married man though he was. He had heard of such things,
or, at least, he had read of them in books, and for many days Mr.
Delafield's brow was literally tied up in knots, while he tried to
solve the question as to "whether, having loved once and been
deceived, Rosa Lee could love again."
At last he decided that possibly she could, and his mind was fully
made up to talk with her upon the subject, when an unexpected arrival
blasted his hopes at once, and darkened the glimmering sunlight which
was dawning upon his horizon. It was a dark, rainy night, toward the
last of April, that I sat with the family in the pleasant little
sitting-room. As usual, Mr. Delafield was with us, and this evening
he was reading aloud from Longfellow's wonderful poem. He was just
in the midst of Hiawatha's wooing, and I fancied there was in the
tones of his voice a softer cadence as he read,
"Hand in hand they went together,
Through the woodland and the meadow,
Left the old man standing lonely
At the doorway of his wigwam,
Heard the falls of Minnehaha
Calling to them from the distance,
Crying to them from afar off,
Fare thee well, oh, Laughing Water."
Scarcely had the last words left his lips when a heavy tread upon the
piazza and a loud ringing of the bell startled us, for it was not
often that we were favored with visitors on such a night as this.
Zillah, the colored girl, hastened to the door where she found a
stranger, who, stepping into the hall, asked, "if Miss Rosa Lee lived
there."
Starting from my chair, I turned very white, for I recognized the
voice of _Dr. Clayton_, who the next moment stood before me! I
forgot the past--forgot that he had been my lover--forgot that
Richard Delafield's eyes were upon me--forgot everything except that
he had come from dear New England--had breathed the air of my native
hills--had heard the sound of my mother's voice--and had brought me
undoubtedly tidings of that mother's welfare. Springing forward with
a cry of joy I took his extended hand, nor shrank away when, with
unwonted tenderness he stooped to kiss my lips, low whispering as he
did so, "_Dear Rosa_."
Then, indeed, I blushed, for I knew he had no right to call me thus,
but the next moment it was forgotten, and with something of pride in
my manner, I presented him to Mrs. Lansing and Mr. Delafield, the
latter of whom greeted him rather coldly, and after a few words of
common courtesy, bade us good night, but not until he had learned
what, until that moment, was news to me, viz. that Dell Clayton had
been dead nearly six months! As he passed me on his way out, he
said, so low that no one else could hear him, "Fare thee well, oh,
Laughing Water," referring to the line he had last read. There was a
deep scowl upon his dark face, and as I gazed upon him, I could not
help wondering if it were thus the old man looked, when from his
lonely wigwam door he watched the departing footsteps of his daughter.
"Come again to-morrow, Uncle Dick," said little Jessie, following him
into the hall; but he made her no answer, save his accustomed good-by
kiss, and I soon heard his heavy tread as he strode down the winding
walk and out into the open field, muttering to himself, as I
afterwards learned:
"And she will follow where he leads her,
Leaving all things for the stranger."
Yes, Mr. Delafield was jealous--terribly jealous of Dr. Clayton, the
nature of whose business he readily divined, though I did not, and
nothing was further from my mind than the thought that he intended
honoring me with a chance of becoming Mrs. Clayton 2d. And yet it
was this alone which had brought him to Georgia, he taking the
precaution to send on in advance a letter, in which he had made known
his wishes, and asked for a return of the affection which, for five
long years, he said, had never known one moment of abatement, even
though another had slept upon his bosom as his wife. But she was
gone, and in her place, he would see blooming, he said, the _Rose_ he
had loved so long. Owing to some detention, this letter had failed
to reach me, hence I was wholly unprepared for the scene which
followed when, at last, we were left alone. Well skilled in the
_signs_, Mrs. Lansing had purposely retired, not long after her
brother's departure, while I, suspecting nothing, made no objection
when Dr. Clayton took his seat upon the sofa at my side. I was
talking to him of Anna, and from speaking of her, and poor Herbert's
death, it was an easy transition to Dell, of whom he spoke kindly,
nay, even affectionately, as he told me of her last days; how much
she suffered, and how gentle she became, never chiding him, in the
least, for a thing unskilfully done, but seeming satisfied with
everything, and loving him at last with a love which, had it been
earlier born, would have shed happiness over his comparatively
cheerless life. Then he told me of the little child, not yet three
years old, whom he had called "Rosa Lee," and gently pushing back my
curls, and gazing down into my face, he said, "It is a fancy of mine,
perhaps, but I love to think she looks like you, who should have been
her mother."
With all my stupidity, I understood him then, and blushing crimson, I
moved away to the end of the sofa, while he continued, "What did you
think of my letter? You received it, I suppose?"
I had received no letter, and so I said; whereupon he proceeded to
tell me its contents, a part of which the reader already knows.
Utterly confounded and powerless to move, I sat motionless, while,
with his arm around me, he went over with the past, recalling to my
mind, with a vividness which made it seem real again, the time when
first he had found me weeping in the somber old schoolroom, away to
the northward; the night when, with the soft moonbeams falling around
us, we sat together beneath the tall oak tree, while I laid before
him my childish griefs; and, lastly, the many pleasant hours we had
whiled away together, listening to the sound of the running brook,
which ran past the twining grape-vine, whose broad leaves had rustled
above our heads.
"On these occasions, Rose," said he, "did nothing ever tell you how
much you were beloved?"
"Yes," I answered bitterly, my woman's nature rousing up as I
remembered the times to which he referred. "Yes, and what did it
avail me, even though I was beloved? Ambition proved the stronger
attraction of the two, and you wedded another. You, who, now that
other has gone would talk again to me of love; but Rosa Lee is no
longer a child to be deceived, and you mistake her strangely, if you
fancy you can cast her off and take her up again at will."
Here, overcome with emotion, I burst into tears. My words and manner
misled him, for in them he saw only resentment for his former
treatment; and this inspired him with hope that the feeling I once
cherished for him could again be nourished into life. Very tenderly,
then, he talked to me, and, as I listened, a numbness crept over my
heart, for I knew he was in earnest now, and I felt that it was not
the Dr. Clayton of old--the fickle, selfish man of the world--with
whom I had to deal, but Dr. Clayton purified, and made better by the
trials through which he had passed--a noble, true-hearted, and
upright man--who now laid at my feet the love which I knew had always
been mine. Very earnestly he implored forgiveness for the wrong he
once had done me, saying that for it he had been terribly punished,
inasmuch as he had suffered far more than I. And still he breathed
no word of censure against his erring wife, who, he said, was perhaps
more sinned against than sinning, and who, when the last great agony
was upon her, had whispered in his ear, as her white, clammy hand
rested on the flowing curls of little Rose, "Her mother, I know, will
be she whose name she bears, and I am willing it should be so."
"And was she not right?" he continued, drawing me closer to his side.
"Will you not be the angel of my home, the mother of my child?"
And then again he told me how much I had been loved; how he had
striven in vain to cast me from his heart, when it was madness and
sin to keep me there; and how, when his horizon had been darkest with
want and care, there was still in the distance a ray of sunlight, the
remembrance of me, which had kept his soul from fainting. And now
that it was right for him to speak to me of love, would I not listen
and give him an opportunity to atone for the wrong he had once done
me? He paused for my reply. There was silence in the room, and I
counted each pulse of my beating heart as it throbbed with the
intensity of my excitement.
"Will not my darling answer me?" he said, and I felt his breath upon
my cheek, his lips upon my brow.
Not thus could I sit and tell him what duty bade me say. So I moved
away, and standing up before him, I said, slowly, and distinctly,
"Dr. Clayton, I loved you once, but the time has gone by, the love
has died out, and I would not awaken it if I could."
There was a firmness in my manner, a decision in the tones of my
voice, which startled him more than what I said, and with a faint cry
he too arose, and coming to my side, said, "God forgive you, Rose,
for the cruel words you have uttered, but you cannot be in earnest."
And then, with the firelight flickering over his pale face, he plead
with me "to think again, to revoke what I had said, and not to send
him away utterly hopeless and wretched. The love I had felt for him
once, though chilled and dormant now, _would bloom_ again, for _he_
could bring it back to life, and I must be his; he could not live
without me. I need not decide then, that night," he said, "he would
give me time," and again he pressed for my answer, which was the same
as before; for, much as I pitied him, there was between as a _dark
shadow_, and the substance of that shadow bore the form and features
of _Richard Delafield_!
Sinking into a chair, he laid his head upon the table, while, burying
my face in the cushions of the sofa, I wept bitterly, stealing
occasional glances towards the bowed form which, in its despair, gave
no sign of life. There was no acting there, for it was the grief of
a strong man which I saw. Without, the storm had ceased; the wind
had died away, and the rain no longer beat against the casement; but
within, there raged a wilder storm of human passions, and as it swept
over me in its full force, I cried, mentally, "Ought I thus to deal
with him? I loved him once, perhaps I could do so again. I would at
least try." And, rising up, I glided noiselessly to his side. He
did not hear me, and, for a time, I stood gazing down upon him, while
I thought of all he had suffered, and of his love for me, which I
could not doubt. The shadow no longer stood between us; it was gone,
and, strengthened by its absence, I laid my hand upon his shoulder.
He shuddered as if it had been a serpent's touch, but when I
whispered in his ear, "Look up, I have something to tell you," he
raised his head, disclosing to my view a face over which years seemed
to have passed since last I had looked upon it.
"I will try," I said, "but give me one day for reflection, and
to-morrow night you shall have your answer."
As the clouds are dispersed by the soft rays of the sun, so the
shadows passed from his brow at my words, and clasping me in his arms
he wept over me, as Heaven grant I may never see man weep again.
The fire on the hearth had long since gone out. The lamp was burning
dimly, and the moonbeams came faintly in through an eastern window
ere I bade him good night, and sought the solitude of my room, where
my resolution almost instantly gave way, for the _shadow_ was there,
and in its presence I felt I would rather die than wed a man I did
not love.
"Oh, for a female friend with whom to counsel in my need," I said, as
I nervously paced the room.
I thought of Mrs. Lansing. She was a woman--she had been kind to me
of late, and after a few moments' reflection I determined to ask her
advice. This being settled, I fell into a disturbed sleep, from
which I did not wake until the bell was ringing for breakfast. I met
him at the table, and my heart beat fast when I saw how anxiously he
scanned my haggard face.
"You are sick this morning," he said, when at last we were alone.
Taking my hand he felt my quickened pulse, and continued, "This must
not be. Calm yourself down, for I would not wish you to answer me
under all this excitement."
Soon after this he left me, going down to the hotel where he had
first stopped on his arrival at W----. As soon as he was gone I
sought an interview with Mrs. Lansing, to whom I confided the whole
story of my former love for Dr. Clayton, and of my feelings now,
asking her to tell me as a friend what I should do. I did not dare
look her in the face while I was talking, and when I had finished I
waited with downcast eyes for her answer, which was characteristic of
a woman who had never known what love was, save as she felt it for
her children.
"Do! Why, marry him of course. I should not hesitate a moment, for
'tis not every girl in your circumstances who has an offer like that.
He seems to be a perfect gentleman,--is certainly very fine
looking--is refined, polished, highly educated, and has a good
profession. What more can you desire?"
"_Love_ for him," I replied; and she continued, "Pshaw! That will
come soon enough, depend upon it. There are many happy marriages
where one of the parties had at first no particular affection for the
other, as I myself can testify. I _respected_ Mr. Lansing, when I
married him, but I did not _love_ him, and our union was, I am
confident, far happier than three-fourths of those where love is the
ruling motive, for in nine cases out of ten they grow sick of each
other as faults and peculiarities are brought to light, of whose
existence they had never dreamed. Take your own case for an example.
Suppose you had married Dr. Clayton when you fancied him so much, you
would undoubtedly have been disgusted with him by this time, whereas,
now that you know he is fallible, you can safely link your destiny
with his, feeling sure that in good time the love you once had for
him will return."
I knew there was some truth in this argument, but it failed to
convince me, and I remained silent until Mrs. Lansing startled me
with, "You do not of course love another?"
I was taken by surprise, and without a thought of the result, I
answered "I do."
"And that other?" she continued, fixing her eyes upon me.
I know not what possessed me, but a power I could not resist impelled
me to answer, "Is your brother."
She did not send me from her presence with scorn and loathing as I
thought she would. Nay, she did not even speak, but for a time stood
mute with astonishment. As I now recall that scene, I understand her
better, and I know that the truth, just as it was, dawned upon her
mind, and suggested the falsehood which she uttered.
Coming closely to me, she said, "I cannot see why it is that all my
governesses have fallen in love with my brother, yet such is the
case. I _did_ think, Miss Lee, that you were an exception, but I
find I am mistaken, which surprises me greatly, inasmuch as he has
never paid you the slightest attention, and even if he had, I do not
understand how you could think him in earnest. For years the world
has looked upon his union with Ada as sure, and though for certain
reasons I have sometimes opposed it, I am anxious for it now, and it
is well that I am, for I suppose it is a settled thing."
I held my breath for fear I should lose a single word of what she
should say next. Perhaps she was unused to falsehoods. Be that as
it may, her voice trembled slightly and she spoke hurriedly as she
said, "They are engaged, and have been ever since she went to Mobile,
and they will probably be married next autumn; hence, you see that
the love you have presumed to feel for him would be useless, even
were you his equal."
She started to leave me, but turned back while she said, "I trust
that what I have told you will be kept a secret, for Richard does not
wish to have the matter discussed."
I nodded assent, and the next moment I was alone with my sorrow,
which was far easier to bear now that uncertainty was made sure. So
long as there remained a lingering hope that my love for Mr.
Delafield might possibly be reciprocated, I shrunk in horror from
marrying another. But now that hope was swept away, for I never
thought of doubting Mrs. Lansing's word, and a kind of torpor crept
over me, suspending for a time both my judgment and my will.
"I will marry Dr. Clayton," I said, and with that decision came a
feeling of gratified pride as I thought I should thus prove to
Richard how little I cared for him!
Ah, I knew not then that the heart I coveted enshrined no image save
that of "Rosa Lee," for whom Richard Delafield would almost have lain
down his life, so great was the love he bore her. He had readily
divined the object of the stranger's visit, and the thought that it
might be successful was terrible. All the night long he, too, had
been sleepless, pacing the length and breadth of his spacious halls
and murmuring occasionally as, peering out into the darkness, he saw
the glimmering light from the windows of Cedar Grove, "Oh, Rose,
Rose, how can I give you up!"
Perhaps I am superstitious, but I cannot help fancying that as often
as these words rang out on the midnight air, the _shadow_ was over
and around me. But alas! it faded and I was left to do the rash act
I meditated. With the coming of morn, Mr. Delafield grew calm, for
he had resolved upon an interview with Rosa Lee, who, if it were not
too late, should know how much he loved her, and perhaps, (his heart
thrilled with joy as he thought it), perhaps she might yet be won
from that fancy of her childhood. But first he would if possible,
learn from his sister how far matters had progressed. He had seldom
imparted to her his secrets, but he would speak to her now, for he
could not keep silent.
She was seated at her work in her own room, when he entered, and with
a feeling of alarm at his pale, haggard face, she started up, asking
if he were ill. Motioning her aside, he said, abruptly, "It's of no
use, Angeline, to deceive you longer. I love Rosa Lee, and if it
were not for this accursed doctor, I should tell her so at once. Do
you know aught of his intentions? Has he come to seek her for his
wife?"
Mrs. Lansing had now a double-part to perform. The falsehood she had
told to Rosa made it necessary that she should tell another to her
brother, which she did more readily, for her proud nature revolted at
the thoughts of receiving her governess as her sister-in-law. So,
thinking any means excusable which would prevent so disgraceful a
catastrophe, she answered with well feigned surprise, "I am
astonished at you, brother--astonished that a Delafield should stoop
so low as to think of wedding a girl like Rosa Lee. You cannot, I
think, be in earnest; but if you are, I am rejoiced that I have it in
my power to tell you there is no hope. I have just left Miss Lee,
who has made me her confident, asking if I thought it would be
contrary to all rules of propriety for her to marry Dr. Clayton so
soon after the death of his wife. It seems he has always preferred
her, and could you have heard her tell how much she loved him, I am
sure you would have no hope of winning her, even were she your equal."
The wicked woman paused, trembling at her own wickedness; while her
brother, burying his face in his hands, groaned aloud. It was an
hour of bitter trial, for Rosa Lee alone had touched his heart, and
could he give her up just as he had found out how dear she was to
him? For a time the selfish nature of the man prevailed, and then
there came a moment of calmer reflection: if Rose loved another,
would it be right for him to mar her happiness by intruding upon her
his affection? Should he not rather rejoice in knowing that she was
happy with the man she had chosen, and if, henceforth, the world to
him was dark and cheerless, might he not occasionally gather a gleam
of comfort from knowing that no shadow was across her pathway! Thus
he reasoned, and when his sister ventured at last to say, "You will
not be foolish enough to talk with her," he answered, "No--no--of
course not;" then, with no visible sign of the fierce storm which had
swept over him, save the extreme pallor of his face, he arose, and
with a firm tread went back to his home, unconscious of the tear-wet
eyes which followed his retreating footsteps, as from her window Rosa
Lee watched him with a despairing heart and benumbed faculties.
Not again that day was Cedar Grove gladdened by his presence, and
when next morning he came as was his wont, I was the betrothed of Dr.
Clayton, who, with joy beaming in every look, sat by my side, talking
to me of the pleasure we should experience in our projected European
tour, for we were to visit the Old World, and he wished our marriage
to be consummated at once, so we could sail the last of June. In a
measure I had dealt candidly with him, frankly acknowledging that the
love I had felt for him in childhood was gone, but saying, as was
true, that I respected him--yes, _liked_ him, and if he was satisfied
with that, I would be unto him a faithful wife, hoping that the
affection of former years might ere long awake again in my heart.
And he was content to take me thus, blessing me for the utterance of
words which had made him so happy.
Involuntarily I shrank from him, for I knew I was undeserving of such
devotion, and my conscience smote me for withholding from him the
knowledge of my love for Richard Delafield. But that was a secret I
could not reveal, so I kept it to myself, and with a kind of
apathetic indifference listened while he depicted in glowing colors
the joyous future which he saw before him when I should be indeed his
_wife_. He was going to New Orleans on business, which would detain
him for three or four weeks, and on his return he asked that the
ceremony might be performed, and I go with him to Meadow Brook as his
bride.
"No, not so soon," I exclaimed. "Leave me my freedom a little
longer;" but he only smiled as he waved aside every objection and won
from me a promise that if Mrs. Lansing were willing, we would be
married there as soon as he should return from New Orleans, whither
he would start the next night.
Either by design or accident, Mrs. Lansing herself at that moment
entered the room, apologizing for the intrusion by saying she wanted
a book which lay upon the piano. Having secured the volume, she was
about leaving, when, glancing at the doctor she playfully remarked
upon the happy expression of his face, saying, she should judge his
suit was progressing, and adding that he had her good wishes for his
success. Emboldened by her familiarity, Dr. Clayton at once
preferred to her his wish that we might be made one under the shadow
of her roof; we would make no trouble, he said, as we wished for no
display, simply a quiet ceremony at which no one should be present
save herself, her children, and her _brother_!
At the mention of _him_ I started as if smitten by a heavy blow, for
I thought, "I cannot in _his_ presence give myself to another;" and I
used all the arguments of which I was mistress to induce Dr. Clayton
to defer our marriage until we reached Meadow Brook. But to this
neither he nor Mrs. Lansing would listen. Glad that I was thus out
of her way, the latter seemed unusually kind, offering to give me a
bridal party as a "testimony of her respect." Thus was I silenced,
while they arranged the matter as they pleased, it being finally
decided that the wedding was to take place immediately after the
doctor's return, as he had first proposed. So overcome and
bewildered was I with the exciting scenes through which I had passed,
that, strange as it may seem, I slept soundly that night, dreaming
towards daybreak that I stood on the deck of a noble vessel, gazing
upon a most glorious sunset, which, however, had less charms for me
than did the man at my side, whom I called my husband, and whom I
loved again as I had done long ago, when with my face buried in the
grass beneath the old grapevine I had wept over his inconstancy.
With the remembrance of that dream still haunting me, it was quite
natural that I should in the morning meet Dr. Clayton with more
cordiality of manner than I had yet evinced towards him. Quickly
perceiving the change, he said, as he kissed my brow, "My Rose is
learning to love me, I see."
And for a brief moment _I_, too, fancied that he was right--that I
_should_ love him--nay, that I was beginning to love him, when
suddenly in the doorway appeared the form of one, the very sight of
whom curdled my blood for an instant and then sent it bounding
through my veins! It was Mr. Delafield. He had nerved himself to
see me, to stand face to face with his rival, and bravely did he meet
the trial, bowing courteously to Dr. Clayton and smiling kindly down
upon me as he bade me good morning. I glanced at him once and saw
that his eyes were riveted upon the plain band of gold, which
encircled my fourth finger, confirming the truth of what he had just
heard from his sister. At last, as if he would test his strength to
the utmost, he took my hand and said, as he slowly twirled the ring,
which was rather large, "And so you are going from us?"
I could not answer, nor was it needful that I should, for without
waiting a reply he placed my hand in that of Dr. Clayton, and
continued, "As a brother commits a dear sister to the care of
another, so commit I to your care my Northern Rose, charging you to
watch tenderly over her, for 'tis not every one who winneth such a
treasure."
This was all he said; the next moment he was gone, and when Dr.
Clayton, drawing me to his side, told me how he would treasure up the
words of _my friend_, I involuntarily shrank away, for the _shadow_
was again around me, and turn which way I would, it whispered to me
of another love--another _heart_, which I fain would have called my
own.
That night Dr. Clayton left us, and the very morning after his
departure we were surprised by the appearance of Ada, who came
unexpectedly to us all. "She was tired of living with that old
fidgety Mrs. Johnson," she said, "and would rather come home." Much
as Mrs. Lansing liked Ada, she would rather she had stayed away until
I was gone, for she was in constant dread lest the falsehood she had
told me concerning her brother's engagement should in some way be
betrayed. But there was no help for it, and as one sin always calls
for another, so she must now conjure up something with which to meet
the emergency. Accordingly, Ada was told that "somehow or other I
had received the impression that she was engaged to Mr. Delafield,
and that it was as well to let me think so; for though I probably
liked Dr. Clayton well enough, she (Mrs. Lansing) fancied that I
liked her brother better, and that if I supposed there was the
slightest chance of winning him, I would not hesitate to discard the
doctor."
Very readily Ada fell in with the views of Mrs. Lansing, who proposed
further that they should continually ring in my ears the praises of
my affianced husband, of whose virtues Ada was supposed to have heard
from Mrs. Lansing; while at the same time, I was to be interested as
much as possible in the preparations for my wedding, which was to be
quite a grand affair, and to which many of the village people were to
be invited. And so the days wore on, during which I could hardly be
said to exist, so little did I realize what was passing around me. I
dared not think, for if I did, the tumult of thought which crowded
upon me seemed turning my brain to fire, and when each morning I
awoke from an unrefreshing slumber, it was always with the thought,
"What is it? This load which oppresses me so?"--then, as the stern
reality came up before me, I would bury my face in the pillow and ask
that I might die, and thus escape the living death which awaited me,
and which was now but a week or two in the distance.