|IT was very dark here in the front room, and somehow the darkness
seemed tangible to the touch, like something oppressive, like the folds
of a pall that was spread over him, and which he could not thrust aside.
And it was still, and very quiet--save for the voices, and save that it
seemed he could hear that faltering, irregular step from the rear room,
where there was no longer any step to hear.
Surely it would be daylight soon--the merciful daylight. The darkness
and the night were meant only for sleep, and it was an eternity since he
had slept--no, not an eternity, only a week--it was only a week since he
had slept. No, that was not true either--there had been hours, not many
of them, but there had been hours when his eyes had been closed and he
had not been conscious of his surroundings, but those hours had been
even more horrible than when he had tossed on his bed awake. They had
brought neither rest nor oblivion--they were full of dreams that were
hideous--and the dreams would not leave him when he was awake--and the
sleep when it came was a curse because the dreams remained to cast
an added blight upon his wakefulness--and he had come even to fight
against sleep and to resist it because the dreams remained.
Dreams! There was always the dream of the Walled Place which--no! Not
that--_now!_ Not that! Yes! The dream of the Walled Place. See--it went
like this: He was in a sort of cavernous gloom in which he could not see
very distinctly, but he was obsessed with the knowledge that there were
hidden things from which he must escape. So he would run frantically
around and around, following four square walls which were so high that
the tops merged into the gloom; and the walls, as he touched them with
his hands, seeking an opening, were wet with a slime that grew upon
them. Then, looming out of the centre of this place, he would suddenly
see what it was that he was running away from. There was a form, a human
form, with something black over its head, that swayed to and fro, and
was suspended from a bar that reached across from one wall to another;
and on the top of this bar there roosted a myriad winged creatures like
gigantic bats, only their eyes blazed, and they had enormous claws--and
suddenly these vampires would rise with a terrifying crackling of their
wings, and shrill, abominable screams, and swirl and circle over him,
drawing nearer and nearer until his blood ran cold--and then, shrieking
like a maniac, he would run again around and around the walls, beating
at the slime until his hands bled. And the screaming things with
outstretched talons followed him, and he stumbled and fell, and fell
again, and shrieked out in his terror of these inhuman vultures that had
roosted above the swaying thing with the black-covered head--and just as
they were settling upon him there was an opening in the wall where there
had been no opening before, and with his last strength he struggled
toward it--and the way was blocked. The opening had become a gate that
was all studded with iron spikes which if he rushed upon it would impale
him, and which Valerie was closing--and as she closed it her head was
averted, and one hand was thrown across her eyes, its palm toward him,
as though she would not look upon his face.
Raymond's hands were wet with perspiration. They slipped from the arms
of his chair, and hung downward at his sides. What time was it? It had
been midnight when he had risen fully dressed from his bed in the rear
room--that he occupied now that they had taken the man away to jail--and
had come in here to sit at the desk. Since then the clock had struck
many times, the half hours, and the hours. Ah--listen! It was striking
again. One--two--three! Three o'clock! It was still a long way off,
the daylight--the merciful daylight. The voices did not plague him so
constantly in the warmth of the sunshine. Three o'clock! It would be
five o'clock before the dawn came.
They had changed, those voices, in the last week--at least there was
a new voice that had come, and an old one that did not recur so
insistently. “Father--Father François Aubert--help me--I do not
understand”--yes, that was still dinning forever in his ears; but,
instead of that voice which said some one was to be hanged by the neck
until dead, the new voice had quite a different thing to say. It was the
voice of the “afterwards.” Hark! There it was now: “What fine and subtle
shade of distinction is there between being hanged and imprisoned for
life; what difference does it make, what difference could it make, what
difference will it make--why do you temporise?”
He had fought with all his strength against that “afterwards”--and it
was stronger than he. He could not evade the issue that was flung at
him, and flung again and again until his brain writhed in agony with it.
He was a gambler, but he was not a blind gambler. He did not want the
man to lose his life, or his freedom for all of life--he did not want
to lose his own life. While the appeal was pending _something_ might
happen, a thousand things might happen, there was always, always a
chance. He would not throw away that chance--only a fool who had lost
his nerve would do that. But he was not blind. The chance was one where
the odds against him staggered him--there was so little chance that,
fight as he would to escape it, logic and plain common sense had forced
upon him the “afterwards.” And these days while the appeal was pending
were like remorseless steps that led on and on to end only upon the
brink of a yawning chasm, whose depth and whose blackness were as the
depth and blackness of hell, and over which he sprang suddenly erect,
his head flung back, the strong jaws clamped like a vise. Who had
brought this torture upon him? He could not sleep! He knew no repose!
God, or devil, or power infernal--who was it? Neither sleep nor repose
might be his, but he was unbroken yet, and he could still fight! He
asked only that--that the author of this torment stand before him--and
fight! Why should he, unless the one meagre hope that something might
happen in the meantime be fulfilled, why should he stand faced with the
choice of swinging like a felon from the gallows, or of allowing that
other innocent man to go to his doom? Yes, why should he submit to this
torture, when that scarred-faced blackguard had brought his death upon
himself--why should he submit to it, when it was so easy to escape it
all! Once, that night in Ton-Nugget Camp, he had flung down the gauntlet
in the face of God, and in the face of hell, and in the face of man, and
in the face of beast. Was he a weakling and a fool now who had not sense
enough to seize his opportunity to be quit of this, and to go his way,
and live again the full, red-blooded, reckless life that he had lived
since he was a boy, and that now, a young man still, beckoned to
him with allurements as yet untasted! To-morrow--no, to-day when the
daylight came--he had only to borrow Bouchard's boat, and the boat
upturned would be found, and St. Mar-leau would mourn the loss of the
good, young Father Aubert whose body had been swept out to sea, and
the law would take its course on the man in the condemned cell, and
Three-Ace Artie would be as free and untrammelled as the air--yes, and
a coward, and a crawling thing, and--the paroxysm of fury passed. He
sagged against the desk. This was the “afterwards”--but why should it
come now! Between now and then there was a chance that something might
intervene. He had only been trying to delude himself when he had said
that in a life sentence there was all of time to plan and plot--he knew
that. And he knew, too, that he was no more content that the man should
be imprisoned for life than that the man should hang--that one was the
equal of the other. He knew that this “all of time” was ended when
the appeal was decided. He knew all that--that voice would not let him
juggle with myths any more. But that moment had not come yet--there were
still weeks before it would come--and in those weeks there lay a hope,
a chance, a gambling chance that something might happen. And even in the
appeal there lay a hope too, not that the sentence might be commuted to
life imprisonment, that changed nothing now, but that they might perhaps
after all consider the man's condition sufficient reason for not holding
him to account for murder, and might therefore, instead, place him under
medical treatment somewhere until, if ever, he recovered. He, Raymond,
had not struck the man, he had not in even a remote particular been
responsible for the man's wound, or the ensuing condition, and if the
man were turned over to medical supervision the man automatically ceased
to have any claim upon him.
But that was not likely to happen--it was only one of those thousand
things that _might_ happen--nothing was likely to happen except that the
man would be hanged. And when that time came, if the appeal were lost
and every one of those thousand chances swept away, and the only thing
that could save the man's life would be to--God, would he never stop
this! Would his mind never, even through utter exhaustion, cease
its groping in this horrible turmoil! On, on, on! His brain was
remorselessly driven on! It was like--like a slave that, already
lacerated and bleeding, was lashed on again to renewed effort by some
monstrous, brutal and inhuman master!
Yes, when that time came, and if that chance were gone, and supposing he
gave himself up to stand in the other's place, could he in any way evade
the rope, wriggle away from that dangling noose? Was there a loophole in
the evidence anywhere? If only in some way he could prove that the act
had been committed in self-defence! He had feared to risk such a plea
that night, because he had feared that his own past would condemn him
out of hand; and, moreover, however that might have been, the man lying
in the road, whom he had thought dead, had seemed to offer the means of
washing his hands for good and all of the whole matter. Self-defence!
Ha, ha! Listen to those devils laugh! It was his own hand that had tied
the knot in the noose so that it would never slip--it was he who had so
cunningly supplied all the attendant details that irrevocably placed the
stamp of robbery and murder upon the doings of that night. Here there
was no delusion; here, where delusion was sought again, there was no
delusion--if he gave himself up he would hang--hang by the neck until he
was dead--and, since he had desecrated God's holy places, he would
hang without the mercy of God upon his soul. Well, what odds did that
make--whether there was mercy of God upon his soul-or not! Was there
anything in common between--no, that was not what he had to think about
now--it was quite another matter.
Suppose, when he was forced to fling down his hand finally, that instead
of giving himself up, or instead of making it appear that the good,
young Father Aubert was dead--suppose that he simply made an escape
from St. Marleau such as he had planned for Henri Mentone that night?
He could at least secure a few hours' start, and then, from somewhere,
before it was too late, send back, say, a written confession. He could
always do that. Surely that would save the man. They would hunt for him,
Raymond, as they would hunt for a wild beast that had run amuck, and
they would hunt for him for the rest of his life, and in the end they
might even catch him--but that was the chance he would have to accept.
Yes, here was another way--only why did not this way bring rest, and
repose, and satisfaction, and sleep? And why ask the question? He
knew--he knew why! It was--Valérie. It was not a big way, it was not
a man's way--and in Valerie's eyes at the last, not absolving him,
not even that she might endure the better, for it could not intimately
affect her, there was left to him only the one redeeming act, the one
thing that would lift him above contempt and loathing, and that was that
she should know him--for a _man_.
Life, the mere act of breathing, of knowing a concrete existence, was
not everything; it did not embrace everything, it was not even a state
that was not voluntarily to be surrendered to greater things, to----
“A fool and a woman's face, and blatant sophistry, and mock
heroics!”--that inner monitor, with its gibe and sneer, was back again.
Its voice, too, must make itself heard!
He raised his hands and pressed them tight against his throbbing
temples. This was hell's debating society, and he must listen to the
arguments and decide upon their merits and pronounce upon them, for he
was the presiding officer and the decision remained with him! How they
gabbled, and shrieked, and whispered, and jeered, and interrupted each
other, and would not keep order--those voices! Though now for the moment
that inner voice kept drowning all the others out.
“You had your chance! If you hadn't turned squeamish that night when
all you needed to do was to hold a pillow over the man's face for a few
minutes, you wouldn't have had any of this now! How much good will it do
you what _she_ thinks--when they get through burying you in lime under
the jail walls!”
It was dark, very dark here in the room. That was the window over there
in that direction, but there was not even any grayness showing, no sign
yet of daylight--no sign yet of daylight. Why would they not let him
alone, these voices, until the time came when he _must_ act? That was
all he asked. In the interval something might--his hands dropped to his
sides, and he half slipped, half fell into his chair, and his head went
forward over the desk. Was all that to begin over again--and commence
with the dream of the Walled Place! No, no; he would not let it--_he
would not let it!_
He would think about something else; force himself to
think--rationally--about something else. Well then, the man in the
condemned cell, whom he had not dared refuse to visit, and whom he had
gone twice that week to see? No---not that, either! The man was always
sitting on that cursed cot with his hands clasped dejectedly between his
knees, and the iron bars robbed the sunlight of warmth, and it was cold,
and the man's eyes haunted him. No--not that, either! He had to go and
see the man again to-morrow--and that was enough--and that was enough!
Well then, Mother Blondin? Yes, that was better! He could even laugh
ironically at that--at old Mother Blondin. Old Mother Blondin was
falling under the spell of the example set by the good, young Father
Aubert! Some of the old habitués, he had heard, were beginning to
grumble because it was becoming difficult to obtain whisky at the
tavern. The Madame Bouchards were crowding the habitues out; and the old
woman on the hill, even if with occasional sullen and stubborn
relapses, was slowly yielding to the advances of St. Marleau that he had
inaugurated through the carpenter's v/ife. Ah--he had thought to laugh
at this, had he! Laugh! He might well keep his head buried miserably in
his arms here upon the desk! Laugh! It brought instead only a profound
and bitter loneliness. He was alone, utterly alone, isolated and cut off
in a world where there was the sound of no human voice, the touch of no
human hand, alone--amidst people whose smiles greeted him on every hand,
amidst people who admired and loved him, and listened reverently to the
words of God that fell from his lips. But they loved, and admired,
and gave their friendship, not to the man he was, but to the man they
thought he was--to the good, young Father Aubert. That was what was
actuating even Mother Blondin! And the life that he had led as the good,
young Father Aubert was being held up to him now as in a mental mirror
that lay bare to his gaze his naked soul. They loved him, these people;
they had faith in him--and a pure, unswerving faith in the religion, and
in the God as whose holy priest he masqueraded!
Raymond's lips twisted in pain. The love of these people struck to the
heart, and the pang hurt. It would have been a glad thing to have won
this love--for himself. And he was requiting what they gave in their
ignorance by defiling what meant most in life to them--the holy things
they worshipped. It was strange--strange how of late he had sought, in
a sort of pitiful atonement for the wrong he had done them, to put
sincerity into the words that, before, he had only mumbled at the church
altar! Yes, he had earned their love and their respect, and he was the
good, young Father Aubert, and the life he had led amongst them was a
blasphemous lie--but it had not been the motives of a hypocrite that had
actuated him. It had not been that the devil desired to pose as a saint.
He stood acquitted before even God of that. He had sought only, fought
only, asked only--for his life.
A sham, a pretence, a lie--it was abhorrent, damnable--it was not
even Three-Ace Artie's way--and he was chained to it in every word and
thought and act. There--that thing that loomed up through the darkness
there a few inches from him--that was one of the lies. That was a
typewriter he had rented in Tour-nayville and had brought back when
returning from his last visit to the jail. Personal letters had begun to
arrive for Father François Aubert. He might duplicate a signature,
but he could not imitate pages of the man's writings. And he could not
dictate a letter to-the man's _mother_--and meet Valérie's eyes.
Valérie! Out in that world where he was set apart, out in that world
of inhuman isolation, this was the loneliness that was greatest of all.
Valérie! Valérie! It seemed as though he were held in some machiavellian
bondage, free to move and act, free in all things save one--he could not
pass the border of his prison-land. But he, Raymond Chapelle, could look
out over the border of his prison-land, and watch this woman, whose
face was pure and beautiful, as she walked about, and talked, and was
constantly in the company of a young priest, who was the good, young
Father Aubert, the Curé of St. Marleau. And because he had watched her
hungrily for many days, and knew the smile that came so gladly to the
sweet lips, and because he had looked into the clear, steadfast eyes,
and listened to her voice, and because she was just Valérie, he had
come to the knowledge of a great love--and a great, torturing, envious
jealousy of this man, cloaked in priestly garb, who was forever at her
side.
His lips moved, but no sound came from them. Valérie! Valérie! Why had
she not come into his life before! Before--when? Before that night at
Mother Blondin's? Was he not man enough to look the truth in the face!
That night was only a culminating incident of a life that went back many
years to the days when--when there had been no Valérie either! But it
was too late to think of that now--now that Valérie had come, come as
a final, terrible punishment, holding up before him, through bitter
contrast, the hollow worthlessness of the stakes that, when the choice
had been freely his, he had chosen to play for!
Valérie! Valérie! His soul was calling out to her. A life with Valérie!
What would it not have meant? The dear love that she might have given
him--the priceless love that he might have won! Gone! Gone forever! No,
it was not gone, for it had never been. He thanked God for that. Yes,
there must be a God who had brought this about, for while he flouted
this God in the dress of this God's priest, this God utilised that very
act to save Valérie, who trusted this God, from the misery and sorrow
and hopelessness that must have come to her with love. She could not
love a priest; there could be no thought of such a thing for Valérie.
This God had set that barrier there--to protect her. Yes, he thanked
God for that; he thanked God he had not brought this hurt upon her--and
those minions of hell, who tried to tantalise, and with their insidious
deviltry tried to make him think otherwise, were powerless here. But
that did not appease the yearning; that did not answer the cry of his
heart and soul.
Valérie! Valérie! Valérie! He was calling to her with all his strength
from the border of that prison-land. Valérie! Valérie! Would his voice
not reach her! Would she not turn her head and smile! Valérie! Valérie!
He wanted her now in his hour of agony, in this hour of terrible
loneliness, in this hour when his brain rocked and reeled on the verge
of madness.
How still it was--and how dark! There were no voices now--only the voice
of his soul calling, calling, calling for Valérie--calling for what
he could never have--calling for the touch of her hand to guide
him--calling for her smile to help him on his way. Yes, Valérie--he was
calling Valérie--he was calling to her from the depths of his being. Out
into the night, out into the everywhere, he was flinging his piteous,
soundless cry, and God, if God would, might listen, and know that His
revenge was taken; and hell might listen, and shriek its mirth--they
would not silence him.
Valérie! Valérie! No, there was no answer. There would never be an
answer--but he would always call. Through the years to come, if there
were those years to reckon with, he would call as he was calling now.
Valérie! Valérie! Valérie! She would not hear--she would not answer--she
would not know. But he would call--because he loved her.
A sob shook his bowed shoulders. A hand in agony gathered and crushed a
fold of flesh from the forehead that lay upon it. Valérie! Valérie! He
did not cry out. He made no sound. It was still, still as the living
death in that prison-land--and then--and then he was swaying to his
feet, and clutching with both hands at the desk, for support. Valérie!
The door was open, and a soft light filled the room. Valérie! Valérie
was standing there on the threshold, holding a lamp in her hand. It was
phantasm! A vision! It was not real! It was not Valérie! His mind was
a broken thing at last! It was not Valérie--but that was Valérie's
voice--that was Valérie's voice.
The lamp shook a little unsteadily in her hand.
“Did you call?” she asked.
He did not answer--only looked at her, as though in truth she were a
vision that had come to him. She was in dressing-gown; and her hair,
loosely knotted, framed her face in dark, waving tresses; and her eyes
were wide, startled and perplexed, as they fixed upon him.
“I--I thought I heard you call,” she faltered.
All the gladness, all the joy in life, all that the world could hold
seemed for an instant his. All else was forgotten--all else but that
singing in his heart--all else but that fierce, elemental, triumphant,
mighty joy lifting him high to a pinnacle that reared itself supreme,
commanding and immortal, far beyond the reach of that sea of torment
which had engulfed him. Valérie had heard him call--and she had
answered--and she was here. Valérie was here--she had come to him.
Valérie had heard him call--and she was here. And then beneath his feet
that pinnacle, so supreme, commanding and immortal, seemed to dissolve
away, and that sea of torment closed over him again, and all those
voices that plagued him, mocking, jeering, screaming, shrieking, were
like a horrible requiem ringing in his ears. She had heard him call--and
he had made no sound--only his soul had spoken.. And she had answered.
And she was here--here now--standing there on the threshold. _Why?_
He dared not answer. It was a blessed thing, a wonderful, glorious
thing---and it was a terrible thing, a thing of misery and despair. What
was he doing now--_answering_ that “why”! No, no--it was not true--it
could not be true. He had thanked God that it could not be so. It was
not that--_that_ was not the reason she had heard him call--that was
not the reason she was here. It was not! It was not! It was only those
insidious----
He heard himself speaking; he was conscious that his voice by some
miracle was low, grave, contained. “No, Mademoiselle Valérie, I did not
call.”
The colour was slowly leaving her cheeks, and into her eyes came
creeping confusion and dismay.
“It--it is strange,” she said nervously. “I was asleep, and I thought
I heard you call for--for help, and I got up and lighted the lamp,
and----”
Was that his laugh--quiet, gentle, reassuring? Was he so much in
command of himself as that? Was it the gambler, or the priest, or--great
God!--the lover now? She was here--she had come to him.
“It was a dream, Mademoiselle Valérie,” he was saying. “A very terrible
dream, I am afraid, if I was the subject of it; but, see, it is nothing
to cause you distress, and to-morrow you will laugh over it.”
She did not reply at once. She was very pale now; and her lips, though
tightly closed, were quivering. Nor did she look at him. Her eyes were
on the floor. Her hand mechanically drew and held the dressing-gown
closer about her throat.
He had not moved from the side of the desk, nor she from the threshold
of the door--and now she looked up suddenly, and held the lamp in her
hand a little higher, and her eyes searched his face.
“It must be very late--very, very late,” she said steadily. “And you
have not gone to bed. There is something the matter. What is it? Will
you tell me?”
“But, yes!” he said--and smiled. “But, yes--I will tell you. It is very
simple. I think perhaps I was overtired. In any case, I was restless
and could not sleep, and so I came in here, and--well, since I must
confess--I imagine I finally fell asleep in my chair.”
“Is that all?” she asked--and there was a curious insistence in her
voice. “You look as though you were ill. Are you telling me all?”
“Everything!” he said. “And I am not ill, Mademoiselle Valérie”--he
laughed again--“you would hear me complain fast enough if I were! I am
not a model patient.”
She shook her head, as though she would not enter into the lightness of
his reply; and again her eyes sought the floor. And, as he watched her,
the colour now came and went from her cheeks, and there was trouble in
her face, and hesitancy, and irresolution.
“What is it, Mademoiselle Valérie?”--his forced lightness was gone now.
She was frightened, and nervous, and ill at ease--that she should be
standing here like this at this hour of night, of course. Yes, that was
it. Naturally that would be so. He lifted his hand and drew it heavily
across his forehead. She was frightened. If he might only take her in
his arms, and draw her head to his shoulder, and hold her there, and
soothe her! It seemed that all his being cried to him to do that. “Well,
why don't you?”--that inner voice was flashing the suggestion quick upon
him--“well, why don't you? You could do it as a priest, in the rôle of
priest, you know--like a father to one of his flock. Go ahead, here's
your chance--be the priest, be the priest! Don't you want to hold her in
your arms--be the priest, be the priest!”
She had not answered his question. He found himself answering it for
her.
“What is it, Mademoiselle Valérie? You must not let a dream affect you,
you know. It is gone now. And you can see that----”
“It is strange”--she spoke almost to herself. “I--I was so sure that I
heard you call.”
Why was he not moving toward her? Why was he clinging in a sort of
tenacious frenzy to the desk? Why was he not obeying the promptings
of that inner voice? It would be quite a natural thing to do what that
voice prompted--and Valérie, Valérie who would never be his, would for a
moment, snatched out of all eternity, be in his arms.
“But you must not let such a thing as a dream affect you”--he seemed to
be speaking without volition of his own, and he seemed stupidly able to
say but the same thing over again. “And, see, it is over, and you are
awake now to find that no one is really in trouble after all.”
And then she raised her head--and suddenly, but as though she were
afraid even of her own act, as though she still fought against some
decision she had forced upon herself, she walked slowly forward into the
room, and set the lamp down upon the desk.
“Yes, there is some one in trouble”--the words came steadily, but
scarcely above a whisper; and her hand was tense about the white throat
now, where before it had mechanically clutched at the dressing-gown. “I
am in trouble--Father Aubert.”
“You--Valérie!” He was conscious, even in his startled exclamation, of a
strange and disturbing prescience. Father Aubert--he could not remember
when she had called him that before--_Father_ Aubert. It was very rarely
that she called him that, it was almost always Monsieur le Curé. And
he--her name--he had called her Valérie--not Mademoiselle Valérie--but
Valérie, as once before, when she had stood out there in the hall the
night they had taken that man away, her name had sprung spontaneously to
his lips.
“Yes,” she said, and bowed her head. “I am in trouble, father; for I
have sinned.”
“Sinned--Valérie”--the words were stumbling on his lips. How fast that
white throat throbbed! Valérie, pure and innocent, meant perhaps to
confess to--_Father_ Aubert. Well, she should not, and she would not!
Not that! She should not have to remember in the “afterwards” that she
had bared her soul at the shrine of profanity. Back again into his voice
he forced a cheery, playful reassurance. “It cannot be a very grievous
sin that Mademoiselle Valérie has been guilty of! Of that, I am sure!
And to-morrow----”
“No, no!” she cried out. “You do not know! See, be indulgent with me
now, father--I am in trouble--in very deep and terrible trouble. I--I
cannot even confess and ask you for absolution--but you can help me--do
not try to put me off--I--I may not have the courage again. See, I--I am
not very brave, and I am not very strong, and the tears are not far off.
Help me to do what I want to do.”
“Valérie!” he scarcely breathed her name. Help her to do what she wanted
to do! There was another prescience upon him now; but one that he could
not understand, save that it seemed to be pointing toward the threshold
of a moment that he was to remember all his life.
“Sit down there in your chair, father, please”--her voice was very low
again. “Sit there, and let me kneel before you.”
He stepped back as from a blow.
“No, Valérie, you shall not kneel to me”--he did not know what he was
saying now. Kneel! Valérie kneel to him! “You shall not kneel to me,
I----”
“_Yes!_” The word came feverishly. The composure that she had been
fighting to retain was slipping from her. “Yes--I must! I must!” She
was close upon him, forcing him back toward the chair. Her eyes, dry
and wide before, were swimming with sudden tears. “Oh, don't you
understand! Oh, don't you understand! I am not kneeling to you as a man,
I am kneeling to you as--as a--a _priest_--a priest of God--for--for I
have sinned.”
She was on her knees--and, with a mental cry of anguish, Raymond slipped
down into the chair. Yes, he understood--now--at last! He
understood what, pray God, she should never realise he understood!
She--Valérie--cared. And she was trying now--God, the cruelty of
it!--and she was trying now to save herself, to protect herself, by
forcing upon herself an actual physical acceptance of him as a priest.
No! It was not so! It could not be so! He did _not_ understand!
He would not have it so! He would not! It was only hell's trickery
again--only that--and----
“Lay your hands on my head, father.” She caught his hands and lifted
them, and laid them upon her bowed head--and as his hands touched her
she seemed to tremble for an instant, and her hands tightened upon his.
“Hold them there for a little while, father,” she murmured--and took her
own hands away, and clasped them before her hidden face.
Raymond's countenance was ashen as he bent forward. What had that
voice prompted him to do? Be the priest? Well, he was being the priest
now--and he knew torment in the depths of a sacrilege at last before
which his soul shrank back appalled. The soft hair was silken to the
touch of his hands, and yet it burned and seared him as with brands of
fire. It was Valérie's hair. It was Valérie's head that was bowed
before him. It was Valérie, the one to whom his soul had called, who was
kneeling to him--as a priest of God--to save herself!
“Say the _Pater Noster_ with me, father,” she whispered.
He bent his head still lower--lower now that she might not by any chance
glimpse his face. Like death it must look. He pressed his hands in
assent upon her head--but it was Valérie's voice alone that faltered
through the room.
“.... _Sanctificetur nomen tuum_--hallowed be Thy name... _fiat voluntas
tua_--Thy will be done.... _et dimitte nobis débita nostra_--and forgive
us our trespasses... _et ne nos inducas in tentationem_--and lead us not
into temptation... _sed libera nos a malo_--but deliver us from evil...
Amen.”
The lamp burned upon the desk; it lighted up the room--but before
Raymond's eyes was only a blur, and nothing was distinct. And there was
silence--silence for a long time.
And then Valérie spoke again.
“I am stronger now,” she said. “I--I think God showed me the way. You
have been very good to me to-night--not to question me--just to let me
have my way. And now bless me, father, and I will go.”
Bless Valérie--ask God's blessing on Valérie--would that be profanation?
God's blessing on Valérie! Ay, he could ask that! Profligate, sinner,
sham and mocker, he could ask that in reverence and sincerity--God's
blessing upon Valérie--because he loved her.
“God keep you, Valérie,” he said, and fought the tremor from his voice.
“God keep you, Valérie--and bless you--and guard you through all your
life.”
She rose from her knees, and turning quickly because her cheeks were
wet, picked up the lamp, and walked to the door. At the threshold she
paused, but did not look back.
“Good-night, father,” she said simply.
“Good-night, Valérie,” he answered.
It was dark again in the room. He had risen from his chair as Valérie
had risen from her knees--and now his hand felt out for the chair again,
and he sank down, and, as when she had come to him, his head was buried
again in his arms upon the desk.
Valérie cared! Valérie loved him! Valérie, too, had been through her
hour of torment. “Not as a man--as a priest, a priest of God.” No, he
would not believe that, he would not let himself believe that. It could
not be so! She was troubled, in distress--about something else. What
time was it now? Not daylight yet--the merciful daylight--no sign of
daylight yet? If it were true--what then? If she cared--what then?
If Valérie loved him--what then? What was he to do in the “afterwards”?
It would not be himself alone who was to bear the burden then. It was
not true, of course; he would not believe it, he would not let himself
believe it. But if it were true how would Valérie endure the hanging
by the neck until he was dead of the man she loved, or the knowledge of
what he was, or the death by accident--of the man she loved!
He did not stir now. He made no sound, no movement--and his head lay
in his outflung arms. And time passed, and through the window crept the
gray of dawn--and presently it was daylight--the merciful daylight--and
the night was gone. But he was scarcely conscious of it now. It grew
lighter still, and filled the room--that merciful daylight. And his
brain, sick and stumbling and weary, reeled on and on, and there was the
dream of the Walled Place again, and Valérie was closing the gate that
was studded with iron spikes--and there was no way out.
And then very slowly, like a man rousing from a stupor, his head came up
from the desk, and he listened. From across the green came the sound of
the church bells ringing for early mass. And as he listened the bells
seemed to catch up the tempo of some refrain. What was it? Yes, he knew
now. It was the opening of the mass--the words he would have to go in
there presently and say. Were they mocking him, those bells! Was this
what the daylight, the merciful daylight had brought--only a crowning,
pitiless, merciless jeer! His face, strained and haggard, lifted
suddenly a little higher. Was it only mockery, or could it be--see,
they seemed to peal more softly now--could it be that they held another
meaning--like voices calling in compassion to him because he was lost?
No--his mind was dazed--it could not mean that--for him. But listen!
They were repeating it over and over again. It was the call to mass, for
it was daylight, and the beginning of a new day. Listen!
“_Introibo ad altare Dei_--I will go in unto the Altar of God.”