Ovh! don't be talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say? An' didn't I howld on
till the heart of me was clane broke entirely, and me wastin' that
thin ye could clutch me wid yer two hands. To think o' me toilin'
like a nager for the six year I've been in Ameriky--bad luck to the
day I iver left the owld counthry!--to be bate by the likes o' them!
(faix, and I'll sit down when I'm ready, so I will, Ann Ryan; and
ye'd better be listenin' than drawin' yer remarks). An' is it meself,
with five good characters from respectable places, woud be herdin'
wid the haythens? The saints forgive me, but I'd be buried alive
sooner 'n put up wid it a day longer. Sure, an' I was the granehorn
not to be lavin' at once-t when the missus kim into me kitchen wid
her perlaver about the new waiter-man which was brought out from
Californy. "He'll be here the night," says she. "And, Kitty, it's
meself looks to you to be kind and patient wid him, for he's a
furriner," says she, a kind o' lookin' off. "Sure, an' it's little
I'll hinder nor interfare wid him, nor any other, mum," says I, a
kind o' stiff; for I minded me how them French waiters, wid their
paper collars and brass rings on their fingers, isn't company for
no gurril brought up dacent and honest. Och! sorra a bit I knew what
was comin' till the missus walked into me kitchen, smilin', and says,
kind o' schared, "Here's Fing Wing, Kitty; an' ye'll have too much
sinse to mind his bein' a little strange." Wid that she shoots the
doore; and I, misthrustin' if I was tidied up sufficient for me fine
buy wid his paper collar, looks up, and--Howly fathers! may I niver
brathe another breath, but there stud a rayle haythen Chineser,
a-grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If ye'll belave me, the
crayther was that yeller it 'ud sicken ye to see him; and sorra stick
was on him but a black night-gown over his trowsers, and the front of
his head shaved claner nor a copper biler, and a black tail a-hangin'
down from it behind, wid his two feet stook into the haythenestest
shoes yer ever set eyes on. Och! but I was upstairs afore ye could
turn about, a-givin' the missus warnin', an' only stopt wid her by
her raisin' me wages two dollars, an' playdin' wid me how it was a
Christian's duty to bear wid haythens, and taich 'em all in our
power--the saints save us! Well, the ways and trials I had wid that
Chineser, Ann Ryan, I couldn't be tellin'. Not a blissid thing cud I
do, but he'd be lookin' on wid his eyes cocked up'ard like two
poomp-handles; an' he widdout a speck or smitch o' whishkers on him,
an' his finger-nails full a yard long. But it's dyin' ye'd be to see
the missus a-larnin' him, an' he a-grinnin', an' waggin' his pig-tail
(which was pieced out long wid some black stoof, the haythen chate!),
and gettin' into her ways wonderful quick, I don't deny, imitatin',
that sharp, ye'd be shurprised, an' ketchin an' copyin' things the
best of us will do a-hurried wid work, yet don't want comin' to the
knowledge o' the family--bad luck to him!
Is it ate wid him? Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a haythen, an'
he a-atin' wid drumsticks?--yes, an' atin' dogs an' cats unknownst to
me, I warrant ye, which it is the custom of them Chinesers, till the
thought made me that sick I could die. An' didn't the crayture
proffer to help me a week ago come Toosday, an' me foldin' down me
clane clothes for the ironin', an' fill his haythen mouth wid water,
an' afore I could hinder, squirrit it through his teeth stret over
the best linen table-cloth, and fold it up tight, as innercent now as
a baby, the dirrity baste! But the worrest of all was the copyin'
he'd been doin' till ye'd be dishtracted. It's yerself knows the
tinder feet that's on me since ever I been in this counthry. Well,
owin' to that, I fell into a way o' slippin' me shoes off when I'd be
sittin' down to pale the praties, or the likes o' that; an' do ye
mind, that haythen would do the same thing after me whiniver the
missus set him to parin' apples or tomaterses.
Did I lave for that? Faix, an' I didn't. Didn't he get me into
trouble wid my missus, the haythen! Ye're aware yerself how the
boondles comin' in from the grocery often contains more'n'll go into
anything dacently. So, for that matter, I'd now and then take out a
sup o' sugar, or flour, or tay, an' wrap it in paper, and put it in
me bit of a box tucked under the ironin'-blanket, the how it cuddent
be bodderin' any one. Well, what shud it be, but this blessed
Sathurday morn, the missus was a-spakin' pleasant an' respec'ful wid
me in me kitchen, when the grocer boy comes in, and stands fornenst
her wid his boondles; and she motions like to Fing Wing (which I
never would call him by that name or any other but just haythen)--she
motions to him, she does, for to take the boondles, an' emty out the
sugar and what not where they belongs. If ye'll belave me, Ann Ryan,
what did that blatherin' Chineser do but take out a sup of sugar, an'
a han'ful o' tay, an' a bit o' chaze, right afore the missus, wrap,
'em into bits o' paper, an' I spacheless wid shurprise, an' he the
next minute up wid the ironin'-blanket, an' pullin' out me box wid a
show o' bein sly to put them in. Och! the Lord forgive me, but I
clutched it, an' missus sayin' "O Kitty!" in a way that 'ud cruddle
yer blood. "He's a haythen nager," says I. "I've found yer out," says
she, "I'll arrist him," says I. "It's yerself ought to be arristid,"
says she. "Yer won't," says I, "I will," says she. And so it went,
till she give me such sass as I cuddent take from no lady, an' I give
her warnin' an' left that instant, an' she a-pointin' to the
doore.
--_Theophilus and Others_.