It was an Amateur Dram. Ass.,
(Kind hearer, although your
Knowledge of French is not first-class,
Don't call that Amature.)
It was an Amateur Dram. Ass.,
The which did warfare wage
On the dramatic works of this
And every other age.
It had a walking gentleman,
A leading juvenile,
First lady in book-muslin dressed.
With a galvanic smile;
Thereto a singing chambermaid,
Benignant heavy pa,
And oh, heavier still was the heavier vill-
Ain, with his fierce "Ha! Ha!"
There wasn't an author from Shakespeare down--
Or up--to Boucicault,
These amateurs weren't competent
To collar and assault.
And when the winter time came round--
"Season" 's a stagier phrase--
The Am. Dram. Ass. assaulted one
Of the Bard of Avon's plays.
'Twas _As You Like It_ that they chose;
For the leading lady's heart
Was set on playing _Rosalind_
Or some other page's part,
And the President of the Am. Dram. Ass.,
A stalwart dry-goods clerk,
Was cast for _Oriando_, in which _rôle_
He felt he'd make his mark.
"I mind me," said the President,
(All thoughtful was his face,)
"When _Oriando_ was taken by Thingummy
That _Charles_ was played by Mace.
_Charles_ hath not many lines to speak,
Nay, not a single length--
If find we can a Mussulman
(That is, a man of strength),
And bring him on the stage as _Charles_--
But, alas, it can't be did--"
"It can," replied the Treasurer;
"Let's get the Hunky Kid."
This Hunky Kid of whom he spoke
Belonged to the P.R.;
He always had his hair cut short,
And always had catarrh;
His voice was gruff, his language rough,
His forehead villainous low,
And 'neath his broken nose a vast
Expanse of jaw did show.
He was forty-eight about the chest,
And his fore-arm at the mid-
Dle measured twenty-one and a-half--
Such was the Hunky Kid!
The Am. Dram. Ass. they have engaged
This pet of the P.R.;
As _Charles the Wrestler_ he's to be
A bright particular star.
And when they put the programme out,
Announce him thus they did:
_Oriando_...Mr. ROMEO JONES;
_Charles_...Mr. HUNKY KID.
The night has come; the house is packed,
From pit to gallery,
As those who through the curtain peep
Quake inwardly to see.
A squeak's heard in the orchestra,
As the leader draws across
Th' intestines of the agile cat
The tail of the noble hoss.
All is at sea behind the scenes,
Why do they fear and funk?
Alas, alas, the Hunky Kid
Is lamentably drunk!
He's in that most unlovely stage
Of half intoxication
When men resent the hint they're tight
As a personal imputation!
"Ring up! Ring up!" _Orlando_ cried,
"Or we must cut the scene;
For _Charles the Wrestler_ is imbued
With poisonous benzine;
And every moment gets more drunk
Than he before has been."
The wrestling scene has come and _Charles_
Is much disguised in drink;
The stage to him's an inclined plane,
The footlights make him blink.
Still strives he to act well his part
Where all the honour lies,
Though Shakespeare would not in his lines--
His language recognise.
Instead of "Come, where is this young----?"
This man of bone and brawn,
He squares himself and bellows: "Time!
Fetch your _Orlandos_ on!"
"Now, Hercules be thy speed, young man,"
Fair _Rosalind_ said she,
As the two wrestlers in the ring
Grapple right furiously;
But _Charles the Wrestler_ had no sense
Of dramatic propriety.
He seized on Mr. Romeo Jones,
In Græco-Roman style:
He got what they call a grape-vine lock
On that leading juvenile;
He flung him into the orchestra,
And the man with the ophicleide,
On whom he fell, he just said--well,
No matter what--and died!
When once the tiger has tasted blood
And found that it is sweet,
He has a habit of killing more
Than he can possibly eat.
And thus it was with the Hunky Kid;
In his homicidal blindness,
He lifted his hand against _Rosalind_
Not in the way of kindness;
He chased poor _Celia_ off at L.,
At R.U.E. _Le Beau_,
And he put such a head upon _Duke Fred_,
In fifteen seconds or so,
That never one of the courtly train
Might his haughty master know.
* * * * *
And that's precisely what came to pass,
Because the luckless carles
Belonging to the Am. Dram. Ass.
Cast the Hunky Kid for _Charles!_
--_New York World_.