He was an ainshunt mariner
Wot sailed the oshun blue;
His craft it was the _Crazy Jane_
Wot was made of wood and glue.
It sailed 'atween _Westminister_
And the Gulf of Timbucktoo;
Its bulkhead was a putty one;
Its cargo--no one knew.
I've heerd as how when a storm came on
It 'ud turn clean upside down,
But I _never_ could make out as why
Its skipper didn't drown.
He was the most unwashedest
Old salt I ever knowed:
And all the things as he speaked about
Was nearly always "blowed."
One day he told me a straw'nry tale,
But I don't think it were lies,
Bekos he swore as it was true--
Tho' a big 'un as to size.
He sez as how in the Biskey Bay
They was sailin' along one night,
When a _summat_ rose from the bilin' waves
As give him a _norful_ fright.
He wouldn't exzagerate, he sed--
No, he wouldn't, not if he died;
But the head of that monster was most as big
As a bloomin' mountain-side.
Its eyes was ten times bigger 'an the moon;
Its ears was as long as a street;
And each of its eyelids--_without tellin' lies_--
Would have kivered an or'nary sheet.
"And now," said he, "may I _never speak agin_
If I'm a-tellin' yer wrong,
But the length o' that sarpint from head to tail
Warn't a _ninch_ under _ten mile long_,
"To the end of its tail there hung a great wale,
And a-ridin' on its back was sharks;
On the top of its head about two hundred seals
Was a-havin' no end of larks.
"Now, as to beleevin' of what I sez _next_
Yer can do as yer likes," sez he;
"But this 'ere sarpint, or whatever he was,
He ups and he _speaks_ to me.
"Sez the sarpint, sez he, in a voice like a clap
Of thunder, or a cannon's roar:
'Now say good-bye to the air and the sky
For you'll never see land no more.'
"I shivered like a sail wot's struck by a gale
And I downs on my bended knees;
And the tears rolls over my face like a sea,
And I shrieks like a gull in a breeze.
"Sez I, 'I'm an ainshunt old skipper, that's all,
And I ain't never done nuffin wrong.'
He sez, 'You old lubber, just stow that blubber,
I'm a-going fer to haul yer along.'
"Then he puts out a fin like a big barndoor--
Now this 'ere is real straight truth--
It sounds like a fable, but he tuk my bloomin' cable,
_And he tied it to his left front tooth!_
"In another second more, at the bottom of the sea
The _Crazy Jane_ was aground; Sez I,
'You oughter be ashamed of yerself,
It's a one-der as I wasn't drowned.'
"Then he calls on a porkeypine a-standin' quite near,
Sez he, 'Look arter this barge,'
'A-begging your pardon that's a _wessel_' I sez:
Sez he: 'Werry fine and large!'
"With one of hiz eye-lashes, thick as a rope,
He ties me on to his knoze,
Then down in a cave right under the sea
Like a flash of light we goes.
"He tuk me up to his wife, who was
A murmyaid with three tails;
She was havin' of her dinner, and perlitely she sez,
'Will you have some o' these 'ere snails?'
"So I sits me down by her buteful side--
She'd a face like a sunset sky;
Her hair was a sort of a scarlety red,
And her knoze was strait as a die.
"I hadn't sot a minit wen sez she to me,
'Sammy, don't yer know me agane?
Why, I'm the wife arter wot yer call'd yer ship;
Sure enuf, it _was_ Craizy Jane--
"The wife as had bother'd me all my life,
Until she got drown'd one day,
When a-bathin' out o' one of them there masheens
In this wery same Margit Bay.
"The Sarpint was a-havin' of his dinner, and so
She perposed as how we should fly--
But, sez I to meself, 'What, take _you_ back?
Not if I knose it,' sez I.
"'But how about them there tails?' I sez--
'On shore _them_ will niver doo;'
She sez, 'Yer silly, why, karn't yer see,
They're only fixed on wi' a screw?'
"So I tells her as how I'll go fetch the old ship
Wile she's a-unscreuing of her tails;
But when I gets back to the _Crazy Jane_
I finds there a couple of wales.
"I jist had time to see the biggest of the two
A-swallerin' of the ship right whole,
And in one more momint he swallered me too,
As true as I'm a livin' sole.
"But when he got to the surfis of the sea,
A summat disagreed with that wale,
And he up with me and the _Crazy Jane_ and all--
And this 'ere's the end of my tail."
* * * * *
Then this old ainshunt mariner, he sez unto me--
And 'onesty was shinin' in hiz eyes--
"_It's jist the sort o' story wot no one won't beleeve--
But it's true, little nipper, if I dies_,"