Four individuals--namely, my wife, my infant son, my
maid-of-all-work, and myself, occupy one of a row of very small
houses in the suburbs of London. I am a thoroughly domesticated
man, and notwithstanding that my occupation necessitates absence
from my dwelling between the hours of 9 A.M. and 5 P.M., my heart
is usually at home with my diminutive household. My wife and I love
regularity and quiet above all things; and although, since the
arrival of my son and heir, we have not enjoyed that perfect peace
which was ours during the first years of our married life, yet his
powerful little lungs, I am bound to say, have failed to make ours a
noisy house.
Up to the time when the incident occurred which I am going to tell
you about our regularity had remained undisturbed, and we got up,
went to bed, dined, breakfasted, and took tea at the same time, day
after day. Well, as I say, we had been going on in this clockwork
fashion for a considerable time, when the other morning the postman
brought a letter to our door, and on looking at the direction, I
found that it came from an old, rich, and very eccentric uncle of
mine, with whom--hem! for certain reasons, we wished to remain on the
best of terms.
"What can Uncle Martin have to write about?" was our simultaneous
exclamation. "The present for baby at last, I do believe, James,"
added my wife; "a cheque, perhaps, or----" I opened the letter and
read:--
"MARTIN HOUSE, HERTS.,
"_October 17th_.
"DEAR NEPHEW,--You may perhaps have heard that I am forming an
aviary here. A friend in Rotterdam has written to me to say that
he has sent by the boat, which will arrive in London to-morrow
afternoon, a very intelligent parrot and a fine stork. As the
vessel arrives too late for them to be sent on the same night,
I shall be obliged by your taking the birds home, and forwarding
them to me the next morning. With my respects to your good lady,
"I remain,
"Your affectionate Uncle,
"RALPH MARTIN."
We looked at each other for a moment in silence, and then my wife
said, "James, what is a stork?"
"A stork, my dear, is a--a--sort of ostrich, I think."
"An ostrich! why that's an enormous----"
"Yes, my dear, the creature that puts its head in the sand, and kicks
when it's pursued, you know."
"James, the horrid thing shall _not_ come here! If it should kick
baby we should never forgive ourselves."
"No, no, my dear, I don't think the _stork_ is at all ferocious. No,
it can't be. Stork! stork! I always associate storks with chimneys.
Yes, abroad, I think in Holland, or Germany, or somewhere, the stork
sweeps the chimneys with its long legs from the top. But let's see
what the Natural History says, my dear. That will tell us all about
it. Stork--um--um--'hind toe short, middle toe long, and joined to
the outer one by a large membrane, and by a smaller one to the inner
toe.' Well, _that_ won't matter much for one night, will it, dear?
'His height often exceeds four feet.'"
"_Four_ feet!!!" interrupted my wife. "James, how high are you?"
"Well, my dear, really, comparisons are exceedingly
disagreeable--um--um--'appetite extremely voracious,' and his
food--hulloa! 'frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels!'"
"Frogs, mice, worms, snails, and eels," repeated my wife. "James, do
you expect me to provide supper and breakfast of this description for
the horrid thing?"
"Well, my dear, we must do our best for baby's sake, you know, for
baby's sake," and, getting my hat, I left as usual for the office. I
passed anything but a pleasant day there, my thoughts constantly
reverting to our expected visitors. At four o'clock I took a cab to
the docks, and on arriving there inquired for the ship, which was
pointed out to me as "the one with the crowd on the quay." On driving
up I discovered why there was a crowd, and the discovery did not
bring comfort with it. On the deck, on one leg, stood the stork.
Whether it was the sea voyage, or the leaving his home, or, that
being a stork of high moral principle, he was grieving at the
persistent swearing of the parrot, I do not know, but I never saw a
more melancholy looking object in my life.
I went down on the deck, and did not like the expression of relief
that came over the captain's face when he found what I had come for.
The transmission of the parrot from the ship to the cab was an easy
matter, as he was in a cage; but the stork was merely tethered by one
leg; and although he did his best, when brought to the foot of the
ladder, in trying to get up, he failed utterly, and had to be half
shoved, half hauled all the way. Even then he persisted in getting
outside of every bar--like this. After a great deal of trouble we got
him to the top. I hurried him into the cab, and telling the man to
drive as quickly as possible, got in with my guests. At first I had
to keep dodging my head about to keep my face away from his bill, as
he turned round; but all of a sudden he broke the little window at
the back of the cab, thrust his head through, and would keep it
there, notwithstanding that I kept pulling him back. Consequently
when we drove up to my house there was a mob of about a thousand
strong around us. I got him in as well as I could, and shut the door.
How can I describe the spending of that evening? How can I get
sufficient power out of the English language to let you know what a
nuisance that bird was to us? How can I tell you of the cool manner
in which he inspected our domestic arrangements, walking slowly from
room to room, and standing on one leg till his curiosity was
satisfied, or how describe the expression of wretchedness that he
threw over his entire person when he was tethered to the banisters,
and found out that, owing to our limited accommodation he was to
remain in the hall all night, or picture the way in which he ate the
snails specially provided for him, verifying to the letter the
naturalist's description of his appetite. How can you who have _not_
had a stork staying with you have any idea of the change that came
over his temper after his supper, how he pecked at everybody who came
near him; how he stood sentinel at the foot of the stairs; how my
wife and I made fruitless attempts to get past, followed by
ignominious retreats; how at last we outmanoeuvred him by
throwing a tablecloth over his head, and then rushing by him, gained
the top of the stairs before he could disentangle himself.
Added to all this we had to endure language from that parrot which
was really shocking: indeed, so scurrilous did he become that we had
at last to take him and lock him up in the coal-hole, where, owing to
the darkness of his bedroom, or from fatigue, he presently swore
himself to sleep.
Well, by this time, we were quite ready for rest, and the
forgetfulness which, we hoped, sleep would bring with it; but our
peace was not to last long. About 2 A.M. my wife clutched my hair and
woke me up. "James, James, listen!" I listened. I heard a sort of
scrambling noise outside the door. "The water running into the
cistern, my dear," I said sleepily.
"James, don't be absurd; that horrid thing has broken its string, and
is coming upstairs."