|A TALL, pleasant-looking gentleman, with quick, restless eyes, and the
air of a man who had been in a newspaper office before, dropped into The
Boomerang science department yesterday, and asked the pale, scholarly
blossom, who sat writing an epic on the alarming prevalence of pip and
its future as a national evil, if he could be permitted to read the
_Deseret News_.
The scientist said certainly, and after a long and weary tussle got the
Mormon placque out of the ruins.
"I used to be foreman on the _Deseret News_," said the gentleman with
the penetrating eye; "I worked on the News two years, and had a case on
the _Tribune_. I've been foreman of thirty-seven papers during my life,
but my most unfortunate experience was on the _Deseret News_. I wanted
the paper just now to see if they were still running an ad. that I had
some trouble with when I was there.
"It was a contract we had with Dr. Balshazzer to advertise his Blue Eyed
Forget-me Not Perfume, Dr. Balshazzer's Red Tar Worm Buster, and Dr.
Balshazzer's Baled Brain Food and Tolurockandryeandcodliveroil. The Blue
Eyed Forget-me Not Perfume was to go solid in long primer, following
pure reading matter eod in daily and eowtf weekly. The Red Tar Worm
Buster was to go in nonpareil leaded, 192I.T.thFth98weow3mo, and repeat;
and the Baled Brain Food and Tolurock-andryecodliveroil was a six-inch
electrotype to go in on third page, following pure original humorous
matter, with six full head lines d&weod oct9tf, set in reading type
similar to copy; these to be inserted between pure religious news, with
no other advertising within four miles of the electro, or the reading
notices.
"At the same time we were running old Monkeywrench's Kidney Scraper on
the same kind of a contract. The business manager did not remember this
when we took the contract, so that as soon as we began to run the two
there was a collision between the Tolurockandryeandcodliver-oil and the
Kidney Scraper right off. I spoke to the business manager about it, and
he was puzzled. He didn't exactly know what it was best to do under the
circumstances, and he hated to lose old Balshazzer's whole trade, for he
wouldn't run any of his ads unless he would take them all according to
his contract.
"We tried to get him to let us run the BlueEyed Forget-me Not Perfume,
lapr9d&wly deod&wly 10:2t-eowtf; the Bed Tar Worm Buster, dol3 4t
da22tf aprlo-ly dol3tf, and the Brain Food and Tolurockandryecodliveroil
mchl8*ly jun4dtf&dangl8@gft>*&Sylds30tf&rsvpeod$, but he wouldn't do it.
"I displayed his ad. top of column adjoining humorous column with
three line readers and astonishers without advertising marks or signs
according to copy and instructions to foreman, all omissions or errors
to be subject to fine and imprisonment. They were to go pdq $eoy*Octp&s*
and they were to be double leaded and headed with italic caps. Still
I said it had been some time since I saw the contract and I had been
suffering with brain fever six months in jail and possibly my memory
might be defective. I would go over it again and see if I was right.
"The electrophones were to be blown in the bottle and the readers were
to be set in lower case slugs with guarantee of good faith and Rough
on Rats would not die in the house. Use Pinkham's Sozodont for itching,
freckles, bunions and croup. It saved my life. My good woman, why are
you bilious with em quads in solid minion. Eureka Jumbo Baking Powder
will not crack or fade in any climate sent on three months trial in
leaded brevier quoins and all wool column rules warranted to cure
rheumatism and army worms or money refunded. To be adjoining selected
miscellany or fancy brass dashes marked eodsyld&w*!*?--" At this moment
a dark browed man came in and told us that the young man was his charge
and on his way to Mount Pleasant asylum for the insane and that we would
have to excuse the intrusion. After subscribing for the paper and asking
us if we had heard from Ohio, he went.
The scientist said afterward that he found it difficult to follow the
young man in some of his statements and that he was just going to ask
him to go over that again and say it slower, when the Mount Pleasant man
came in and interrupted the flow of conversation.