|WE have a scheme on hand which we believe will be even more
remunerative than the newspaper business, if successfully carried
out. It is to construct a national remedy and joy-to-the-world tonic,
composed of the carefully expressed juice of our Rocky mountain tropical
herb, known as the sage brush. Sage brush is known to possess wonderful
medicinal properties. It is bitter enough to act as a tonic and to
convey the idea of great strength. Our idea would be to have our
portrait on each bottle, to attract attention and aid in effecting a
cure. We have noticed that the homeliest men succeed best as patent
medicine inventors, and this would be right in our hand.
The tonic could be erected at a cost of three cents per bottle,
delivered on the cars here, and after we got fairly to going we might
probably reduce even that price. At one dollar per bottle, we could
realize a living profit, and still do mankind a favor and turn loose
a boon to suffering humanity. It will make the hair grow, as everyone
knows, and it will stir up a torpid liver equally well. It just loves
to get after anything that is dormant. It might even help the Democratic
party, if it had a chance.
Our plan would be to advertise liberally, for we know the advantages of
judicious advertising. Only last week a man on South C street had three
cows to sell, which fact he set forth in this paper at the usual rates.
Before he went to bed that evening the cows were sold and people were
filing in the front gate like a row of men at the general delivery of
the postoffice. The next morning a large mob of people was found camped
out in front of the house, and the railroad was giving excursion rates
to those who wanted to come in from the country to buy these cows that
had been sold the day before.
We just quote this to show how advertising stirs the mighty deep and
wakes people up. We would make propositions to our brethren of the
press by which they could make some money out of the ad, too, instead of
telling them to put it in the middle of the telegraph page, surrounded
by pure reading matter, daily and weekly till forbid and pay when we get
ready.
Publishers will find that we are not that kind of people. We shall aim
to do the square thing, and will throw in an electrotype, showing us
just discovering the sage brush, and exclaiming "Eureka," while we
prance around like a Zulu on the war path. Underneath this we will
write, "Yours for Health," or words to that effect, and everything will
be pleasant and nice.
The Sage Brush Tonic will be made of two grades, one will be for
prohibition states and the other for states where prohibition is not in
general use. The prohibition tonic will contain, in addition to the sage
brush, a small amount of tansy and Jamaica ginger, to give it a bead and
prevent it from fermenting. A trial bottle will be sent to subscribers
of this paper, also a fitting little poem to be read at the funeral.
We will also publish death notice of those using the tonic, at one-half
rates.