A GIRL'S DREAMS
Helen's face was flushed as she stepped into the carriage, but she held
her head up with dignity and smiled. The curious two sides of her, was
it brain, or mind, or that perplexing inner sight? saw the wide
difference between Mrs. Van Dorn and Aunt Jane. And she liked the Van
Dorn side a hundred times better than the Mulford side. The delicacy,
the ease, the sort of graciousness, even if it was a garment put on and
sometimes slipped off very easily. Mrs. Van Dorn was never quite
satisfied. She was always reaching out for something, a pleasure and
entertainment. Aunt Jane was thoroughly satisfied with herself. She
scolded Uncle Jason and insisted that he lacked common sense, energy,
and a host of virtues, yet she often said of her neighbors' husbands:
"Well, if I had that man I'd ship him off to the Guinea Coast," though
she hadn't the slightest idea of its location. She often held him up to
the admiration of her friends, though she always insisted she had been
the making of him. And she would not admit that there was a smarter girl
in Hope Center than Jenny.
The peculiar contrast flashed over Helen. What made the
complacency--content?
"Did you have a pleasant call?" When Mrs. Van Dorn didn't feel cross her
voice had a certain sweetness. Helen thought the word mellifluous
expressed it. She was fond of pretty adjectives.
"Aunt Jane was very busy and they all set in for me to stay. The
children do miss me."
"And did you want to stay?" with the same sweetness.
"No," said Helen, honestly, while the color deepened in her cheeks. "Oh,
dear! I think I am getting spoiled, citified, and North Hope isn't a
city either," with a half rueful little laugh, yet not raising her eyes.
"She isn't of their kind," thought Mrs. Van Dorn. "And her courage, her
truthfulness, are quite unusual. She is very trusty, there is the making
of something fine in her."
"You are not fond of country life, farm life," correcting herself.
"I am quite sure I shouldn't be, and yet I like the country so much,
the space, the waving trees, the great stretches of sky. I should stifle
in a place where there were rows and rows of houses and paved streets
everywhere."
"But not where there were palaces, and villas, and parks, and gardens,
and beautiful equipages, and elegantly dressed women."
Helen shook her head, "I shall never have the chance to like or dislike
that. Oh, yes," brightening, "I can read it in a book and imagine myself
in the midst of it."
"I thought you ware planning to teach school, and save up money, and
take journeys."
"Oh, I do, and all manner of extravagant things. But I am afraid they
are air castles." For somehow the reality of her life had come over her
again. She belonged to Hope Center, not to North Hope. And maybe she
never could get over there.
Mrs. Van Dorn thought of herself at Helen's age. Where would her
ambitions lead her. _She_ had had no ambitions to rise in life. How
gladly she would have married her first common-place lover, and accepted
a life of drudgery. What queer things girls were! and how strange that
when she was tired and worn out, and almost desperate, the best of
fortune should come to her. It seldom happened, she knew. The old life
was a vague dream, she had only lived since her marriage. In a way she
coveted this girl's freshness and energy. To have someone to really and
truly love her--was there any such thing in life, to old age?
She had coveted Clara Gage with the same desire of possession. She had
persuaded her to give up home, mother, three sisters and one brother.
But she had never ceased to love them. And they had nearly outweighed a
journey to Europe. Perhaps they would. Clara was about eighteen when she
took her, this girl was fourteen. She would be more pliable, and she was
not really in love with her people. But there would be years of
training, and there was a certain strength in the girl. Sometimes they
might clash, and she did not want to be disturbed at her time of life.
Then too--there were certain adventitious aids to ward off the shadow of
coming years. Clara knew about them, and she had grown used to her.
_She_ would be getting older every year.
They were a little late at dinner. How delightful and orderly and
refined everything was! Helen luxuriated in it. And yet it was only
ordinarily nice living. Helen could see the table at home. The kitchen
was large and the table at one end, and they always had meals there
except when there was company, and often then the children were kept out
there. The smells of the cooking did not give it the savory fragrance
she read about in books. It was hot and full of flies, for the door was
always on the swing.
They were around the table, everyone wanting to tell father that Helen
had been to see them in a carriage, at that.
"Do hush, children!" began Aunt Jane, sharply. "You haven't any more
manners than a lot of pigs, everyone squealing at once. Yes, I think we
made a great mistake letting Helen go over to Mrs. Dayton's. We couldn't
well refuse an old neighbor, I know. But she's that full of airs, and so
high-headed that she could hardly talk. I don't see how she could make
up her mind to come round to the kitchen door."
Aurelia giggled. "Wouldn't it have been funny to have her knock at the
front door!" and all the children laughed.
"'Twould be a good thing to bring her back now. There's so much to do,
and fruit to put up all the time. And she'd get in a little decent
training before she went in the shop."
"She'll soon get the nonsense knocked out of her there," said Jenny.
"You needn't feel anxious about that."
"Sho, mother, that girl's good enough where she is, an' a bargain's a
bargain. She was to stay till the first of September. And when you're in
Rome you do as the Romans do, I've heard. It's natural, she should get
polished up a little over there."
"I'm as good as Mrs. Dayton, if I don't keep city boarders," flung out
Aunt Jane, resentfully. "And I've the best claim on Helen when we've
taken care of her all these years."
"I d'know as she'd earned twenty-four dollars at home," said Uncle
Jason.
"I s'pose not in money," admitted Aunt Jane, who down in her heart had
no notion of bringing Helen home. "But I feel as if I had earned half
that money doing without her."
"Twenty-four dollars. Phew! Pap, suppose you had to pay me that!"
exclaimed Sam.
"You get your board and clothes," said his mother.
So they were mapping out Helen's life, and she was thinking whether she
could have the courage to fight it out. She could not go back to the
farm. That she settled definitely.
She picked up Mrs. Van Dorn's wraps and her three letters and carried
them upstairs.
"I'm going to rest a while," said the lady. "You may come up in--well,
half an hour. Will you push the reclining chair over by the window?"
Helen did that and laid the fleecy wrap within reach, smiled and nodded
and ran lightly downstairs. In a moment she was helping Mrs. Dayton take
out the dishes to the kitchen, and then dried them for Joanna.
"Now Miss Helen, if you wanted a situation, I'd give you a good
recommend," exclaimed Joanna, smilingly.
Then she went out on the stoop, for it still wanted ten minutes to the
half hour.
Mrs. Van Dorn had taken up her letters rather listlessly. One from her
lawyer concerning some reinvestments, one from a charity for a
subscription. The thick one with the delicate superscription from Clara
Gage.
It was long, and about family affairs. They had been a good deal
worried over a mortgage that the holder had threatened to foreclose. But
her sister's lover had insisted upon taking it up, and would come home
to live. Her brother had obtained a good position as bookkeeper in a
mill. The youngest girl would always be an invalid from a spinal
trouble; Margaret, the eldest, sang in church and gave music lessons,
and thus had some time for home occupations. Mrs. Gage was quite
disabled from rheumatism at times. But now Clara felt the dependent ones
were in good hands, and she would not only go abroad cheerfully, but
gladly. Her hesitation had been because she felt they might need her at
home, or near by, where they could call upon her in illness or
misfortune. "You have been very kind to wait until I could see my way
clear," she wrote, "and my gratitude in time to come will be your
reward."
Mrs. Van Dorn felt a little pricked in her conscience. She could have
settled all this herself, and made things easy for them, but Clara had
not suggested any money trouble. Mrs. Van Dorn paid her a generous
salary. Down in her heart there had been a jealous feeling that her
money could not buy everything, could not buy this girl from certain
home obligations.
But the letter pleased her very much in its frankness and its
acknowledgment of favors. Yet her old heart seemed strangely desolate.
How could she obtain the love she really desired? For if you did favors
there was gratitude, but was that love?
Did anybody care to love an old woman? She sometimes longed to have
tender arms put about her neck, and fond kisses given. But her cheeks
were made up with the semblance of youth, her lips had a tint that it
was not well to disturb. Oh, to go back! To be fifty only, and have
almost fifty more years to live. The money would last out all that time,
even.
But here was a chance with this new girl. Clara might marry. She, Mrs.
Van Dorn, had been rather captious about admirers. It wasn't given to
every girl to make a good marriage at five and thirty. In three years
Helen would be seventeen, and with a good education, very companionable.
It would be best not to lead her to hope for anything beyond the
education, she might grow vain and be puffed up with expectations of
great things to come. Let the great things be a surprise.
There was a little tap at the door.
"Do you want me?" inquired the cheerful voice. "It is a full half hour."
"No, yes. I'll be made ready for bed if you please, little maid," and
her tone was full of amusement. "Then I'll dismiss you and lie here by
the window a while, as I have something to think about, until I get
sleepy. Bring the jewel case."
Helen was quite fascinated with all the adornments. There were dainty
partitions, velvet rooms, Helen called them, boxes in which rings were
dropped, a mound to lay the bracelets, where a tiny ridge kept them from
slipping, a hook for the pendants, and a case for the pins. The girl
placed them in deftly, as only a person who really loved them could. To
her their sparkle seemed the flame of a spirit.
Then the laces were laid in their boxes. Helen hung up the soft silk
gown, the petticoats with their lace and ruffles, the night dress was
donned and a pretty wrapper over it, the slippers exchanged for some
soft knit ones. As for her hair--perhaps she slept in it, for that was
never taken down until after the girl went away.
"Now are you comfortable?"
"Yes. Helen, how did you come by so many pretty ways? I do not believe
they abound in your aunt's house."
"No, they do not." Helen laughed in soft apology. "I think because
everything is nice and dainty here, and everybody is----" How could she
explain it.
"No, you're not quite so much of a chameleon as that. It is something
from the inside, that was born with you. And you must have the
opportunity of developing it. There child, good-night."
Mrs. Van Dorn felt suddenly in a glow. She would do a good deed, help
this girl to her true place, cast some bread upon the waters and have it
return to her presently. Three years. She hoped Helen would grow tall
and keep slim, her eyes were beautiful, her complexion clear and fine if
a little sun-burned. She had nice hands, too, now that she was taking
care of them. She was quick to see any improvement, she had adaptiveness
and a pleasant temper. She would make an attractive young woman at
seventeen, and she would owe it all to her. She _must_ love her
benefactress. Why, this was something to live for!
Helen sat on the far end of the stoop step. There were two rows of
steps. This commanded the kitchen porch, as well as the dining room.
Most of the boarders were up at the other end, where two hammocks were
slung, but this was a favorite nook of hers when she wanted to think.
Mrs. Dayton came out presently, having finished her talk with Joanna.
"Are you homesick or lonesome?" she inquired. "Was everybody glad to see
you to-day."
"The children were. I think Aunt Jane was a little hurt because I didn't
come and stay over Sunday."
"Do you want to go next Saturday? Though what we could do with Mrs. Van
Dorn I don't know."
"I think I do not want to go," Helen made answer slowly. "Oh, Mrs.
Dayton," and she stretched out her hand in entreaty, "can't you sit down
here a few moments. I want to talk to someone. I want to know whether I
am right, or wrong and ungrateful. And I have a half plan if--if----"
"What is it, child?" The girl's tone appealed to her strongly, and she
sat down beside her.
"It seems to me as if I only roused up along in the winter, and began to
study in earnest. Mr. Warfield took such an interest in me. And I began
to love knowledge, to learn how much there was of it in the world. He
thought I ought to go to the High School and study for a teacher, and
then I just knew what I should like best of all things in the world. And
since I've been here I've thought it over and over----"
"And do not know how to compass it?" There was a sound in her voice that
expressed the smile on her face.
"I have even planned for that. If you did not go away all the fall I
should ask you to let me stay and do some work, and try to even it up
next summer when the boarders come. But I've thought maybe there would
be someone else who would be satisfied with what I could do nights and
mornings and Saturdays for my board----"
The tone was breathless and had to stop. She was amazed that she could
say all this.
"My dear child! Have you been studying all this out? Well, you certainly
have a right to education when you are willing to work for it that way.
And I believe it can be compassed."
Helen squeezed the hand nearest her with a joyful eagerness.
"But there's another side to it. I didn't think of that until this
afternoon. I fancied I could go away and study and work until I came to
the place where I could earn money, like Miss Remington, and no one
would have any right to interfere. Aunt Jane thinks I know quite enough,
and has planned for me to go in the shop, Jenny has spoken for the
chance. I should just hate it! I think I should run away. I don't know
why I am different, but I am. I feel it now more than ever. Aunt Jane
doesn't want me to be like my father, and she lays the blame on
education. Oh, Mrs. Dayton, you do not think he ever did anything
absolutely wrong, that one had need to be ashamed of?"
Helen's face was in a blaze of scarlet. How many times she had longed to
ask the question.
"Why no. He had the name of being queer, and holding queer beliefs. But
he was honest as the day, and temperate, and not given to brawling as
the Bible has it. And he paid Aunt Jane for a while. I feel sure he
must be dead."
"And since then they have taken care of me. Aunt Jane thinks I ought to
be very grateful, and I do want to be. I suppose they could have sent me
to the poor-house."
"Oh, no, Uncle Jason wouldn't."
"I don't believe Aunt Jane would. But does that give them the right to
say what I shall do or be, or put me in the shop against my will, when
maybe I could earn my own way somewhere else?"
"Why no, I do not think it does. You were not even given to them. You
certainly have the right to decide some things. And if friends should be
willing to help you----"
"I don't want to be ungrateful. I don't want to be snobbish. But I like
the nice aspects of life so much better than the common things. And I
wonder now why people do not take naturally to the refinements of life.
Yet the other people are very happy in their way, too. I think Aunt Jane
wouldn't enjoy the manner in which you do things here. She would call it
putting on airs."
"Yes, I understand. The world goes on improving, advancing, making life
more kindly and gracious, weeding out the roughnesses. It is just as
honest and true, it calls for more self-control, it is as helpful. Of
course, there are selfish people with a good deal of polish, and there
are ignorant people very obstinate and disagreeable. Education does not
do everything, but it helps. And if there is an easier or better, or
more enjoyable manner of earning one's living, I do not see why one
should not aim at it, and strive to reach it."
"Oh, thank you a thousand times." Helen's voice broke from very joy. "I
kept wondering if I had the right to do what _I_ liked."
"It will take some courage. But you might try it one year. And I am sure
there will be friends to help such an ambitious girl. At present we will
not say anything about it, but don't feel troubled. I believe it will
come out right."
"Oh, how good you are!" Helen pressed the hand she held to her warm,
soft cheek with a mute caress.
It seemed to her as if she might be walking on air, her heart was so
light. And still there was a secret sympathy with her aunt for the
disappointment. Yet, what real difference could it make to Aunt Jane,
whether she taught school, or worked in a shop. She should not feel
better or grander, only more thoroughly satisfied with her lot in life.
And before she took any journeys, she would pay Uncle Jason for these
years of care since her father died. That would be her duty for taking
her own way.
"We are going to take up something solid," said Mrs. Van Dorn, the next
morning. "I am tired of frivolous novels. We will have a little history,
and learn about places and people, and what has been done in the world,
and improve our minds."
Helen looked up with a new and rather surprised interest. "There is so
much in your mind already," she returned with the admiration in her
voice that was so grateful to the elder woman. "Oh, I do wonder if I
shall ever know so many things."
"There are years for you to study in. I did not know all these things at
fourteen."
She would never have confessed how little she knew at that period.
They stopped now and then to discuss some point, but Mrs. Van Dorn was
going over several other considerations. An ordinary country girl with
the sweetest temper in the world would not have given her more than a
passing pleasure. This girl was quite out of the ordinary with her
intelligence and her quick understanding. She would love all the finer
arts of life. Her enthusiasm was really infectious. That was what one
needed when one was going down the other side of the great divide. And
she didn't really belong to anybody. Clara would never forget her mother
and sisters, and if they were ill she would want to fly to them. This
girl was not comfortable in her home, she would not sigh for it. And she
might adore her, for there was a kind of worship in her nature. To be
adored by a young girl who might have been her grandchild, the child of
the daughter she had longed for and never had.
Helen glanced up hesitatingly.
"Oh, I'm not asleep," laughingly. "I was thinking. You have a fine
voice, so strong and clear, and not aggressive. Don't you sing?"
"Oh, yes. When I am out in the fields I sing with the birds."
"But you have never had lessons in elocution?"
"Mr. Warfield taught me that the best reading was entering into the
spirit of the writer, imagining yourself in the scenes that are
described, or taking part in any conversation. And he said when I
recited that last day of school, I must be the Captains and Herve Riel,
just as if I was leading in the ships."
Her face was in a glow, her eyes luminous.
"How old is Mr. Warfield?"
Helen Grant's father had married one of his young pupils, Mrs. Van Dorn
remembered.
"Oh, I don't know, a real young man. He has only been at the Center a
year."
Mrs. Van Dorn nodded with her chin, a way she had.
"He is quite in earnest about your going to the High School?" she
continued.
"He thinks I could teach, and I should like that so much."
She flushed daintily recalling the other half secret she had touched
upon with Mrs. Dayton.
"The girl is capable of love and all that nonsense," thought Mrs. Van
Dorn. Why should she not come to love her?