“Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure,
If we're not to enjoyment awake;
Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure,
Deserve not the little they take.
I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring.
And fitting and cutting by rules,
And ----- me--dear me, I beg pardon for swearing,
All that follow such fashions are fools.
For let who may be undone,
I say Life in London,
Of pleasure's the prop and the staff,
That sets ev'ry muscle
In a comical bustle
And tickles one into a laugh.”
~~334~~~
The long protracted visit to Vauxhall being at length finally arranged,
our party soon found themselves in the midst of this gay and fascinating
scene of amusement.
“These charming gardens,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “which you may
perhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, having
lately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction and
management, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificence
perhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear to
have studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well as
their own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before the
night is spent.”
“Right,” replied Sparkle, “I am not fond of far fetched descriptions,
which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in the
imagination of the author than in reality to exist.”
“At all events,” continued Tom, “the Gardens themselves are beautiful
and extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefully
illuminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never fail
to be attractive.”
~~335~~~ Our heroes rushed forward to the splendid scene of enchantment,
which had drawn forth the previous observations, mingling with the
crowds of well dressed persons, who like themselves were upon the alert
to witness this delightful place of summer amusement in the new form
which it has recently assumed: the virandas tastefully festooned with
painted canvass--the brilliantly illuminated orchestra, and the animated
countenances of the company, conspired to produce an effect almost
inconceivable, while new objects of delight were continually bursting
upon their view. The illuminated colonade newly decorated with carved
and painted flowers, fruit, and foliage, and Mr. Singleton's original
whole length transparent portrait of his Majesty in his coronation
robes, alternately attracted attention, as well as the four cosmoramas
constructed in various parts of the gardens, consisting of some very
pretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes in Switzerland, &c. In
the musical department, Sparkle was much pleased to find some of the old
favourites, particularly Mr. Charles Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well as
with the performance of a Miss Graddon, who possesses a rich voice,
with considerable power and flexibility, and of Madame Georgina, an
East Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very charmingly in the Rotunda,
accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a style which proved her to
be a most skilful performer.
But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedly
called “The Heptaplasiesoptron,” or fancy reflective proscenium, which
is placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda.
It is entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probability
originated in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and the
looking glass curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendid
exhibition is fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents a
fountain of real water illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees,
serpents, foliage, and variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placed
as to reflect each object seven times. This novelty appeared to excite
universal admiration, inspiring the company with ideas of refreshing
coolness. The bubbling of water, the waving of the foliage, and the
seven times reflected effulgence of the lamps, gave the whole an
appearance of enchantment, which sets all description at defiance.
~~336~~~ Having taken a complete circle through this round of delights,
interrupted only by the congratulations and inquiries of friends, the
appointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works arrived, when they were
additionally gratified by a display of the most splendid description,
and the famous ascent _a la Saqui_ was admirably executed by Longuemarc;
after witnessing which, they quickly retired to a box, where they gave
directions for supper. It is but justice to say, that upon this being
furnished, they found the refreshments to be of the best quality, and
supplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the London Wine Company, and
the viands by Mr. Wayte.
About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departure
from this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure and
delight.
On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell,
with information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession to
the estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without a
will. This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to none
more so than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situated
in the neighbourhood of his own residence.
“Merrywell,” said Dashall, “will become a gay fellow now, as he will
have ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never been
wanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to any
scheme to keep the game alive.”
“True,” said Sparkle, “without crossing and jostling, and if he has
his own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose
an amiable partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis
occasionally; for to live in this land of temptations, where you can
hardly step across the way without getting into error, must be baneful
in effect to a young man like him, of an ardent mind. What say you,
friend Tallyho?”
“I confess,” replied Bob, “that I entertain thoughts very similar
to yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had
sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation.”
~~337~~~ “Pshaw,” rejoined Dashall, “you are getting completely
unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in London--high life
and low life--shake the castor, tip the flash, and nibble the blunt.
Look for instance at young Lord Lappit--cares for nothing--all blood and
spirit--fire and tow--up to every thing, and down as a hammer.”
“His is a general case,” replied Sparkle, “and is only one among
numerous others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily
visible in high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want
of education of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking
and insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among
common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No,
no,--he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to teach
him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not quite
a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost without
reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written,
merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in
existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public
schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his
thesis, translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as
he is able. In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the
frailties of the living, than he does of the instructions of departed
characters. The family connections and the power of purse, with which
the students are aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license,
and to set at complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it
may be justly remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated
for the indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster
School is fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a
famous place of instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields,
where every species of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the
most depraved, are constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the
great advantages of learning the slang language, and of hearing prime
chaunts, rum glees, and kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up
style. He has likewise a fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable
penchant for the frail sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting,
bull and badger baiting, donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering,
and other refined amusements, so necessary to form the character of an
accomplished gentleman.”
~~338~~~ “Again, Harrow School is happily so near to the metropolis, as
to afford frequent opportunities for occasional visits to similar scenes
of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that the scholars do not fail
to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those delectable sciences.
“Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of
improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not
necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and
other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding
they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can
scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to
advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society.
“Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting
notoriety, Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a
youth of an aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race
course--understanding betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling,
sweating and training--know all the jockeys--how to give or take the
odds--lay it on thick, and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable
ambition to distinguish themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip
top style, and become proficients in buckish and sporting slang--to
pitch it rum, and astonish the natives--up to the gab of the cad. They
take upon themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet
noted for the appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which
they can manage the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on
driving the long coaches--'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash
along at full speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your
heads--never kill'd but one woman and a child in all my life--that's
your sort.'”
“Fine pictures of a University Education,” said Tom, “but Sparkle always
was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be
said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the
sports.”
“True,” continued Sparkle, “and, like many others, have had something
like enjoyment in them too.”
“Aye, aye, no doubt of that,” said Bob, dryly,--“but how does it happen
that you have omitted Oxford altogether?”
~~339~~~ “Nay,” said Sparkle, “there is not much difference in any of
them. The students hate all learning but that which they acquire in the
brothel, the ring, or the stable.
They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and
their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing
more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This,
however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding
there are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided,
a nobleman or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or
riches, without any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases
made and provided.
“From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly
accomplished in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their
appearance as exquisites or dandies--a sort of indescribable being, if
being such things may be called. Others take the example of the bang
ups--make themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking
flash, and mail coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them
into Abbot's preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon
the sports--though if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very
soon down upon the coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing
expenses, and walks out himself, up to snuff, and fly.”
1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.--A proof of the
power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent
Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a
daily paper:--
An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors'
Court, for having resisted particular creditors with
vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not
generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious
resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have
taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on
the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the
time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he
found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to
harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold
from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d.
each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book,
from which the following extract was read,--it is extracted
from the Parliamentary Report:--
'Law proceedings.--When arrested and held to bail, and after
being served with a declaration, you may plead a general
issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that
you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put
in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to
plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your
plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the
cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff
gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you
put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book,
which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not
put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has
received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to
search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple,
and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must
give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master
to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a
writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney
before the master, which puts him to a very great expense,
as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ
of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further
troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error
returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your
plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you
through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the
Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he
answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may
file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if
he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction,
and at the same time an attachment from the court against
him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not
answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the
Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter
costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a
copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping
it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a
special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no
more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not
like to incur any further expense, after having been at so
much.'
Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred
and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L.
10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his
own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look
out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.'
~~341~~~ “I perceive,” said Tom, “that your imagination is flying
away from your subject; though I admit the justice of your remarks, as
generally applicable to what is termed the higher ranks of society,
and that they are imitated or aped in succession to those of the lower
orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a long descriptive
conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of drawing inferences
from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile.”
“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, “I see you wish to change the
subject: however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think
more seriously, and act more usefully.”
“Upon my life you are growing sentimental.”
“Never mind,” said Bob, “keep your spirits up.”
“The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious
The bliss and delight it contains;
Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes,
Except a few torments and pains.
Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting,
Where each toper each care sweetly drowns;
Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in,
Except when we're cracking their crowns.”
By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and
taking their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of
which,--“there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “that is the celebrated Lord
Shampetre, of whose name and character you have before heard.”
“Indeed,” said Bob. “Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street,
I should have supposed him to be an old clothesman.”
“Hush,” said Sparkle, “don't be too severe in your observations, for I
have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation
upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge
it is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean
popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their
follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to
complain.”
~~342~~~ “And pray,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “where is one to be
found who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question,
and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable world
is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of a
celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say
1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do
better than give insertion to the following police report:--
PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER!
Bow Street.--An application was lately made for a warrant to
apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for
stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers.
The application was made by the mother of the accused, in
consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim
her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was
granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in,
resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the
fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the
mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother
identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to
forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to
her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her
defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own,
purchased with money given to her by her friends. In
corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a
conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for
spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the
things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and
were given up without the slightest objection when she
applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement
produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by
the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the
return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said,
he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B.
for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his
conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most
honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had
sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who
had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her
mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him;
he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of
Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious
ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen.
Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up
with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent
attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her
mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should
have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly
denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had
animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the
mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only
16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable
to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses.
Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in
most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the
following by way of elucidation.
The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late
cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an
actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great
notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of
teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for
appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don
Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose
protection she is living, or rather was living, is a
gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago
immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with
Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending
his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on
his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose
chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves,
exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low
cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of
beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing
else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is,--
what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably
commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.'
We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she
accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre,
the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his
Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's _ennui_.
~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except the
quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be about £25. per annum, or
9s. 7d. a week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and therefore
a good bargain.”
“I believe,” continued Sparkle, “there is little about him, either as to
person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time,
which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects.”
“Apropos,” said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, “do you observe a
person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat,
cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to
ascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr.
Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen,
and stable assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the
principal studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a
good driver of four in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a
mail carriage, is the _ne plus ultra_ of his ambition. He will take a
journey of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up
a mail coach, paying for his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for
their permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes
and mother o'pearl buttons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square,
wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his glass of
gin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the passengers
to get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as much
at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, and
every thing in the world.' He is, however, not singular in his taste,
for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this class,
save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent than
any person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his fore
teeth punched out, in order to enable the noble aspirant to give the
true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as to
project the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, into
the hedge on the near side of the road.”
“Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a
noble mind,” rejoined Tallyho.
“And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day,
of course,” continued Sparkle; “and as I have not had a lounge in these
Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished
with a key to characters that may be new to me.”
“There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he
has made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentleman
whose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated Sir
George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at the
Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit,
or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary
affectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the
chief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green
coat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time become
a dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew;
and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from which
is suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly
attacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at this
moment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of
defaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been
displayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances.
His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was
called the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity of
wearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to act
at all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep
moving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said,
that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Man
and Still.'”{1}
1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a
pubic-house in Oxford Road.
~~345~~~ “Why,” cried Bob, “there seems to be as little of still life
about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who is
that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, and who
appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the opposite
side--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor.”
“That,” replied Tom, “is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome
daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete
termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib for
a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediately
after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a penchant
for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; and
having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she made
her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, and
in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of never
transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission would
be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without her
host,--for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to her
proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and the
deserted though still _cara sposa_, has kept the portals of his door, as
well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since.”
At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed
young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty
shake, exclaimed,--
“Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are
there too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--going
any where--or any thing to do--eh--d------me.”
“Quite _ad libitum_,” replied Dashall, “happy to see Gayfield well and
in prime twig,--allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq.”
“You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new--can't live without
novelty--who's up, who's down--what's the wonder of the day--how does
the world wag--where is the haven of destination, and how do you weather
the point.”
~~346~~~ “Zounds,” replied Tom, “you ask more questions in a breath than
we three can answer in an hour.”
“Never mind--don't want you to answer; but at all events must have
something to say--hate idleness either in speech or action--hate talking
in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a statue.
Talking of statues--I have it--good thought, go see Achilles, the
ladies man--eh! what say you. D------me, made of cannons and other
combustibles--Waterloo to wit--Come along, quite a bore to stand
still--yea or nay, can't wait.”
“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, “it
is quite new since my departure from town; “and joining arms, they
proceeded towards the Park.
“Been out of town,” continued Gayfield,--“thought so--lost you all
at once--glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the
country--always inquire--can't live without novelty--go to see every
thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers--Irish
distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you
live in the country--can't imagine.”
“And I apprehend,” replied Sparkle, “it will be of little use to
explain; for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know
every thing.”
“Good, but severe--never mind, I never trouble my head with other
people's thoughts--always think for myself, let others do as they like.
Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. Never
ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the
celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,--the Egyptian Tomb,--the------”
Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting
prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method,
or even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to
laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob.
~~347~~~ “What is the matter,” inquired Gayfield, unconscious of being
the cause of their risibility. “I see nothing to laugh at, d------me,
but I do love laughing, so I'll enjoy a little with you at all events;
“and immediately he became a participator in their mirth, to the
inexpressible delight of his companions; “but,” continued he, “I see
nothing to laugh at, and it is beneath the character of a philosopher to
laugh at any thing.”
“Never mind,” said Dashall, “we are not of that description--and we
sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present
instance.”
“I perfectly agree with the observation,” rejoined Sparkle; “it is a
case in point, and very well pointed too.”
“Nothing could be better timed,” said Tallyho.
“What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D------d vulgar
really---quite _outre_, as we say. No, no, you ought to consider
where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a good
motive--what is the use of laughing.”
“A philosopher,” said Tom Dashall, “need scarcely ask such a question.
The superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer.”
“Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be
informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us.”
“And at least,” said Sparkle, “that is better than nothing.”
The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who
produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered
the diamond ring upon his finger--pulled up his shirt collar--and at the
same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such
means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon
his companions.
“And this,” said Sparkle, “is the so much talked of statue of
Achilles--The Wellington Trophy--it is placed in a very conspicuous
situation, however--and what says the pedestal--
TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON,
AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS,
THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES,
CAST FROM CANNON
TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF
SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO
IS INSCRIBED
BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN.
~~348~~~ “Beautiful,” said Gayfield--“Elegant--superb.” “Bold,” said
Dashall, “but not very delicate.” “A naked figure, truly,” continued
Bob, “in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and fashion,
is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of modesty
or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances,
are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were
originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not
the artist.”
“For my part,” said Sparkle, “I see but little in it to admire.”
During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his
quizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to
be highly amused and delighted.
“It affords opportunities for a variety of observations,” said Dashall,
“and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The
public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I
know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other.”{1}
1 In all probability the following remarks will be
sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much
talked of statue:--
Kensington Gardens and the Park.--From three to seven
o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an
over-How with the _élite_ of the fashionable world. The
infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female
costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the
fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day,
altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed
there.
There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages
and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the
'Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether
it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the
people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments
were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly
it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception
of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon
the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above
mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by
some of these good folks upon this giant exotic--this Greek
prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a
blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny
proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the
like!'--'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet-
faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!--I wonder they pulled the
tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a
great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre
elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony
red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband--'Do na ye
think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!'
replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he
turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away.
'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there
in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss--little girls must
not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th'
powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they
walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers,
but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to
be straddling up there without a shirt--is it Dennis?'
'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's
blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o'
this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?'
asked the other. 'Is it--what do they call it?' re-joined
Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag--'Why
they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and
away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the
German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of
the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a
handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old
woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and
lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that
she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in
order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short,
poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than
admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this
was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses
of the thing may view it with other eyes.
~~349~~~ On their return from the Park, our party looked in at
Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. Dashall and his Cousin
had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy a day's sport, and
were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a considerable sum, by
taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They therefore expected
now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of the poet, by
“uniting profit and delight in one.”
[Illustration: page349 Ascot Races]
“Yonder,” says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man,
“is H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the
late, as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at
play, with heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich
harvest. The consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine
estate of O--t--ds by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal
property have been knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's
Rooms.”
“I should have expected,” replied Bob, “that so much fatal experience,
which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful
lesson, and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent.”
~~350~~~ “Psha, man,” continued his Cousin, “you are a novice indeed to
suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated in these mysteries,
can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the powerful spell
which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this fatal passion
seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: indeed it
may be said there are comparatively but few of the great families who
are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating towards it,
in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice.”
THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1}
Air--'Oh, the Sight entrancing.'
Oh, the sight entrancing,
To see Achilles dancing,{2}
Without a shirt
Or Highland skirt,{3}
“Where ladies' eyes are glancing:
1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most
astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of
Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it
informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the
ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the
Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To
call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of
compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here
we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not
sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that
term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue
is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of
these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles
a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their
expulsion from Eden.
2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have
already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is
really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has,
with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste,
discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a
syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex-
sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when
engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired,
used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order
to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie,
however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude,
still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of
dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable
share of popularity.
3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!--It is really
entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been
displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some
have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an
abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity
(much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde
Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant
it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the
ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it
not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for
putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the
poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only
unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the
thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time
that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly
informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female
apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of
Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of
Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said
maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles
among them, and made him join his regiment.
Each widow's heart is throbbing,
Each married lady sobbing,
While little miss
Would fain a kiss
Be from Achilles robbing!'
Then, oh, the sight entrancing,
To see Achilles dancing,
Without a shirt
Or Highland skirt,
Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
Oh, 'tis not helm or feather,
Or breeches made of leather,
That gave delight,
By day or night,
Or draw fair crowds together.{2}
Let those wear clothes who need e'm;
Adorn but max with freedom,{3}
Then, light or dark,
They'll range the Park,
And follow where you lead 'em.
For, oh, the sight's entrancing,
To see Achilles dancing,
Without a shirt
Or Highland skirt,
Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has
been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting
subject during the present week, we are quite sure our
readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture,
or even faintly delineated it.
2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our
humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c.
have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex
together--at a grand review, for instance.
3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The
words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty--not
licentiousness.
~~352~~~ Having succeeded in their object, Dashall and his Cousin
pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated another day spent in
the developement of Real Life in the British Metropolis.
But still the muse beseeches
If this epistle reaches
Achilles bold,
In winter cold,
That he would wear his breeches:{1}
For though in sultry weather,
He needs not cloth nor leather,
Yet frosts may mar
What's safe in war,{2]
And ruin all together.
But still the sight's entrancing,
To see Achilles dancing
Without a shirt
Or Highland skirt,
Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate,
nay, kind--that the ladies will be equally kind and
considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the
wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation
in which he is placed.
2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his
very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was
so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of
being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip
her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable.
Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his
heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of
battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke
of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when
Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with
Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly
an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a
twinkling.
We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues
of the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen
in the Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true,
the Marchioness of C-----m's delicacy is so shocked, that she intends to
quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more modest site
can be chosen!